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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner asked me how much money I have

375 replies

DPsavings · 25/01/2022 21:40

Should I be honest?

DP and I have been together nearly 18 months and tonight we talked about finances and how we are for credit/savings

I have no debt except a 30% mortgage on my house and about 80k in savings (which would pay off the mortgage should I wish to).
I have a decent defined benefit pension.

Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?

OP posts:
Lampzade · 26/01/2022 04:08

Op, please listen. Do not add him to your mortgage . Do not lend him any money. Do not invest in any business that he may have.
As another poster suggested , if he wants to buy a home with you he should bring his share of the deposit and then you can buy another home together

Bogeyes · 26/01/2022 04:08

Why does he want to know! Bloody nosey and none of his business. He must be planning something. Be careful.

DontBlameMe79 · 26/01/2022 04:24

@Lampzade

Op, please listen. Do not add him to your mortgage . Do not lend him any money. Do not invest in any business that he may have. As another poster suggested , if he wants to buy a home with you he should bring his share of the deposit and then you can buy another home together
What’s the difference between this and him buying half of the existing house? End result in both cases is they have a shared house that they both contributed to.
DontBlameMe79 · 26/01/2022 04:25

@Ilady

I would not put him on your mortgage or tell him how much you have in savings. I have seen men get involved with woman who have decent jobs and houses. They move into her house and start to pay rent and half the bills. Then down the line the relationship ends and he wants his share of the house/apartment. I know someone this happened to. She had saved the deposit, bought the house and had a room rented out in the house before she met him. They then moved in together and she got no legal advice before she let him move in. Her parents ended up paying him off so she could keep her house.

You have worked hard, made sacrefices and done without life's extras to buy a house not to mention having £80,000 in savings. Don't throw that away on a man you known 18 months. He might just realised that your in a better position than him. He is asking you questions to see if he is right. Then he might not have much money or savings. He could be still living with mammy or a horrible flat and your the answer to his living situation.

I found out what a “reverse” was on another thread yesterday and blow me if this post didn’t pop up. So obviously a reverse.
Reflections2021 · 26/01/2022 04:38

No!

Graphista · 26/01/2022 05:42

Hmm hobo sexual ?

Crap love rat style con man?

What we betting?

truthfullylying · 26/01/2022 05:47

Pm in case the op ever returns

coodawoodashooda · 26/01/2022 05:48

@CliveThighs

I think if you're at the stage of thinking about moving in together it's a great idea to have at least a vague idea of each others finances. So in a way its sensible to look at earnings/outgoings and attitudes to saving/spending.

However, ask yourself why your gut is making you feel sketchy about telling him your financial position. Seriously try and figure out why this set your warning bells off. Listen to your doubts.

And for the love of all that is holy DO NOT ADD HIM TO YOUR MORTGAGE OR THE HOUSE DEEDS. My DP lives in a house owned outright by me. It is our home, now out family home, although it is most definitly MY house when viewed as a financial asset. He's never once suggested adding himself to the paperwork for it because he's aware it's my security, my house and he has no claim on it. He's aware I've left it to our DC in my will should i die...

It's perfectly possible to be in a loving committed relationship without mixing finances beyond what you're comfortable with.

This is incorrect. I thought i had this situation but legally he was entitled to so much.
Bananarice · 26/01/2022 06:21

Wow, at the response. There is nothing wrong with protecting your money, but don't let money stop you from moving with your dp. Yes, seek legal advice first and take steps to protect yourself. But don't

Bananarice · 26/01/2022 06:23

Sorry breastfeeding ds3 and he pressed post. If you want to move your dp in your house, then do so. Just seek legal advice first.

UserError012345 · 26/01/2022 06:35

No no no. Please don't do it. Make sure you're smart about protecting it going forwards.
Even if you're to marry. That is your money.

Shoxfordian · 26/01/2022 06:36

It’s better to buy something new jointly imo as it’s a fresh start for you both

IncompleteSenten · 26/01/2022 06:49

Did he volunteer his own financial information?

I would not share my financial information with a boyfriend, just about to move in.

At this stage all that needs to happen is he pays half the bills.

If you want to at some point add him to the mortgage then ring fence what you've already put in.

My advice would be different if, for example, you were married, or you had a child together and he gave up his job to become a sahd, but right now, your finances are none of each others business and it's a case of a straight 50/50 of household bills, minus mortgage which you pay in full so he has no claim on your house.

Juniper68 · 26/01/2022 06:52

Ditto what others have said. No way to adding him to the mortgage.

daretodenim · 26/01/2022 06:52

OP, would you consider giving him £40,000? Half of your savings?

That would be cheaper than adding him to your mortgage.

jeaux90 · 26/01/2022 06:59

Look the best thing a woman can do is what you've already achieved. Financial independence.

Don't ruin that.

Twinkleylight · 26/01/2022 06:59

Don't add him to the mortgage as it'll give him rights to your property & there's no need to do this. Speak to a solicitor about protecting your assets and ring fe cing your savings.

You can charge him for minimal utilities bills etc but not anything that gives him rights to your house should you split. You're not married so your property should stay in your name alone as you've paid for most of it.

I would let my house out and rent a separate property with my partner so he can't claim my house should we split.

NinaDefoe · 26/01/2022 07:00

Don’t add anyone to your mortgage.

maddy68 · 26/01/2022 07:01

If you are concerned about sharing money issues are you certain this is a long term relationship? If you get that vibe you definitely don't trust them and may be an indication of other red flags

Iwonder08 · 26/01/2022 07:04

We have no idea what is his financial situation, OP never mentioned it. It is entirely possible he is trying to understand both sides and make decisions about living together/getting married. Perhaps he has savings that would cover a half of the house hence the question about mortgage, perhaps he is a higher earner and wants some reassurance that OP won't sponge off him. Not every man is a cock lodger.
However I am sensing OP doesn't want to share the details, so she probably shouldn't.. Generally speaking it is a sensible thing to do to have a very clear understanding about financial on both sides before marriage is on the table

sweetbellyhigh · 26/01/2022 07:07

It's like anything, trust your instincts. If you don't feel comfortable then don't do it.

pinkfondu · 26/01/2022 07:10

Why would you add him to your mortgage?

Dubgirl1212 · 26/01/2022 07:10

Do not tell him about the 80k savings. Myself and DH are together 22 years, very happily married, 4dc,no issues. I have 16k saved that he knows nothing about. My parents seperated when I was 12 and my mother had nothing saved, had to work 3 jobs. She aways told me to have my own secret stash. I have other savings that DH knows about just not the 16k which I keep adding too.

My two sisters also have secret savings too.

MazzleDazzle · 26/01/2022 07:12

How long have you known him?

18 months into a relationship is still quite early. I would not be putting him onto your mortgage. What happens if it goes tits up?

Tal45 · 26/01/2022 07:18

You've told us about your money OP but how much money/assets is he bringing into the relationship? Is it just you with anything? You're doing really well for yourself, don't risk that.