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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner asked me how much money I have

375 replies

DPsavings · 25/01/2022 21:40

Should I be honest?

DP and I have been together nearly 18 months and tonight we talked about finances and how we are for credit/savings

I have no debt except a 30% mortgage on my house and about 80k in savings (which would pay off the mortgage should I wish to).
I have a decent defined benefit pension.

Don’t know why but I just feel a bit sketchy about sharing this. AIBU?

OP posts:
I0NA · 26/01/2022 00:14

Well done OP you have that rare thing at MN - a completely unanimous thread.

I hope you are listening to these wise women.

TiddyTidTwo · 26/01/2022 00:15

What's he got?

Rangoon · 26/01/2022 00:17

So you want to give basically half your house to a boyfriend of 18 months? He could break up with you after 6 months and you'd have to buy him out.

I suspect the reason why you are uncomfortable with telling him what you have is because your subconscious has picked up red flags. I assume he is living in your house because he couldn't afford a house of his own and may have no savings whatsoever. No decent man would be comfortable about getting ownership of half your house in these circumstances. Do you think he'd give you half of his house if the roles were reversed?

I am a solicitor and you cannot imagine how grasping and vindictive ex-spouses can become even if they are the one who has run off with another woman (because his wife drove him to it according to them). It seems the smaller the spouse's contribution the more entitled they feel. Women are blindsided by the change in these men who can turn in a flash when they see something "better" on the horizon.

Trust has to be earned. My husband was the most trustworthy man I met but he willingly signed a matrimonial property agreement before we married. (I am not in the UK so ours are legally binding.) It's ironclad and my separate property remains mine and our share of the house is proportional to our contributions. We've been together 30 years and I'm pleased I have never had to use it and that is as it should be.

In your shoes, I would not be in a rush to marry and I'd certainly not be potentially giving a boyfriend of 18 months half your house. If you did marry you would want to protect your house, your savings and your pension. You would need excellent professional legal advice to do this and this should be something that is not skimped on.

yellowtwo · 26/01/2022 00:27

18 months though a pandemic and lockdowns, did you meet your partner through online dating OP or how did you meet?

Winterautumn · 26/01/2022 00:28

Do NOT add him to your mortgage

Chloemol · 26/01/2022 00:37

Don’t tell him, and don’t add him to your mortgage

He can pay rent

Justilou1 · 26/01/2022 00:39

DON’T ADD HIM TO YOUR MORTGAGE. EVEN IF YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 30 YEARS!!!

Justilou1 · 26/01/2022 00:39

*ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 30 YEARS

JustKittenAround · 26/01/2022 00:46

Don’t add him to the mortgage… if he says “well it won’t feel like it’s my home” think to yourself “that’s because it isn’t, it is my property and that’s OK.”

Once I had a ring on my finger I started to disclose my worth and him in kind. I did however make it clear I’m not getting married to anyone in debt (mortgage was ok) but I’d not be spending communal money for assets that were his. I also won’t pay other debt. I paid off mine, I expect the same.

Moving in together shouldn’t involve changes in ownership.

Up to you though. I’ve been married and divorced. So I’m on extra alert. Please do take it under advisement.

DukeofEarlGrey · 26/01/2022 00:49

Absolutely DO NOT put him on the mortgage. But at the same time, I’d be tempted to fin and tell him the mortgage is huge. Then see if he’s still interested in signing up to it...!

SquarePeggyLeggy · 26/01/2022 01:01

I think you should disclose debt but not savings as that would impact a partner down the line potentially.

JustKittenAround · 26/01/2022 01:05

@DukeofEarlGrey

Absolutely DO NOT put him on the mortgage. But at the same time, I’d be tempted to fin and tell him the mortgage is huge. Then see if he’s still interested in signing up to it...!
Ohhhh you’re cunning made me smile ear to ear! 🤣
Lockdownbear · 26/01/2022 01:10

Op I definitely wouldn't be adding him to the deeds or mortgage. You can afford the house on your own so keep that 100% you.

What I would do if you are keen on him moving in is split all bills, food, council tax, power, telly, insurance etc etc 50/50.

And tell him to start saving, what he's currently paying in rent, so you can buy somewhere bigger together.

But it may well be worth while seeking legal advice, especially if your thinking marriage and children.
I know in Scotland you cannot sell a marital home without the spouses permission - regardless if they are on the deeds or mortgage.

DontBlameMe79 · 26/01/2022 01:32

Some borderline hysterical responses on this one. I can’t see any reason to be too cagey assuming he does the same. And you think he’s telling the truth.

On the mortgage, it all depends what “putting him on the mortgage” means. Does that mean he’s buying half the house from you and taking on 50% of the mortgage liability? If it does, then it depends what he pays for it - I’m assuming you’re not just giving it to him. You’d have to be ok with not having control anymore, but it’s not necessarily a financial disaster to sell half a house to someone.

As to the 80k and pension, just exchanging info on this doesn’t give him access to it. A lot of the advice on here promotes us living in fear it seems to me.

DontBlameMe79 · 26/01/2022 01:35

BTW I’d also call this one out as a made up thread to provoke outrage. Another result for OP 😂😂

ElEmEnOhPee · 26/01/2022 01:35

If you're going to have him move in at some point I would use the savings to pay the rest of the mortgage off BEFORE he moves, that way any contributions he makes to the household he can't claim he believed were payments towards the mortgage. Also don't allow him to contribute to any major work that you have done to the house.

Hont1986 · 26/01/2022 01:45

There was a thread here a few weeks ago with a woman who had moved into her boyfriend's house and he was refusing/stalling on arranging a life interest for her. The general consensus was that he was being a bastard who clearly wasn't committed and how dare he expect her to pay any money towards a property she didn't own. Good to see that the site has had such a turnaround in that time.

Exchanging info regarding your financial positions is entirely normal and sensible and I'm not sure why you think it's sketchy. You don't mention your ages or careers - having a pension and £80k in savings doesn't mean much if, e.g. you are a doctor in your 50s.

Hawkins001 · 26/01/2022 01:52

I would recommend a low profile amount

Tarne · 26/01/2022 02:01

Does he stay there when you are not? He can find out by sniffing around if he's keen to know.

Why doesn't he have a place of his own? Does he have a gambling problem? What is his credit history like? Is he a saver or spender?

Men often go for women with their own homes and are charming at first in order to get their feet under the table.

The woman is usually careful in real life but gets completely drawn in and blinkered when it comes to love.

You have been warned.

dipdye · 26/01/2022 02:14

He'll be hellish hard to kick out if he does move in.

k1233 · 26/01/2022 02:20

Moving in with a partner who has a mortgage is tricky. The person with the property is rightfully protective of what they have been paying for. The person moving in isn't having to pay rent.

I would not put him on the mortgage. I would not make him pay the equivalent of half. I'd be inclined to have him pay the going rate for a casual room tenancy - that should cover any additional wear and tear on the property and accidental damage.

When it comes to bills, he pays half of everything except house related costs eg insurance, repairs - they're 100% yours.

I've been the love blind fool who was completely taken advantage of. Don't tell them how much you make, that your mortgage is nearly paid off or how much you have in the bank. They cry poor and think you've got money, so you can pay for it. Bad bad move. Been there got the t-shirt.

I've only ever been in one financially equal relationship - and boy did he pay out on me for the above LOL As I said I was a fool.

reesewithoutaspoon · 26/01/2022 02:40

Please don't, or seek legal advice to ringfence your assets. Even if he does pay 50% towards the house to go on the deeds, if your relationship broke up you would have to sell your home to pay him off. Protect your security. It's all well and good being starry-eyed and thinking this will last forever. The statistics don't bear that out.

CliveThighs · 26/01/2022 03:10

I think if you're at the stage of thinking about moving in together it's a great idea to have at least a vague idea of each others finances. So in a way its sensible to look at earnings/outgoings and attitudes to saving/spending.

However, ask yourself why your gut is making you feel sketchy about telling him your financial position. Seriously try and figure out why this set your warning bells off. Listen to your doubts.

And for the love of all that is holy DO NOT ADD HIM TO YOUR MORTGAGE OR THE HOUSE DEEDS. My DP lives in a house owned outright by me. It is our home, now out family home, although it is most definitly MY house when viewed as a financial asset. He's never once suggested adding himself to the paperwork for it because he's aware it's my security, my house and he has no claim on it. He's aware I've left it to our DC in my will should i die...

It's perfectly possible to be in a loving committed relationship without mixing finances beyond what you're comfortable with.

Ilady · 26/01/2022 03:17

I would not put him on your mortgage or tell him how much you have in savings. I have seen men get involved with woman who have decent jobs and houses. They move into her house and start to pay rent and half the bills. Then down the line the relationship ends and he wants his share of the house/apartment. I know someone this happened to. She had saved the deposit, bought the house and had a room rented out in the house before she met him. They then moved in together and she got no legal advice before she let him move in. Her parents ended up paying him off so she could keep her house.

You have worked hard, made sacrefices and done without life's extras to buy a house not to mention having £80,000 in savings. Don't throw that away on a man you known 18 months. He might just realised that your in a better position than him. He is asking you questions to see if he is right. Then he might not have much money or savings. He could be still living with mammy or a horrible flat and your the answer to his living situation.

Bleachmycloths · 26/01/2022 03:32

Has he told you all HIS financial details? Warning bells are clearly ringing in your ears. Listen to them.