To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

[qwerty1129]

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

Sorry I agree with your friend. You should stop doing this.

Yeah I totally disagree with other posters. You know your son and your partner.

We have friends with a younger child than the rest of us. We regularly cuddle, look after and play with child and help them out. Child is obsessed with my DP and another male in the group. Other male has babysat for her and put her to bed. Nobody would bat an eyelid if it was a female friend doing bedtime op. It's totally double standards to suggest DP can't do bedtime.

Of course the normal caveats apply. Watch out for concerning behaviour etc but I don't think it's right to assume everyone is a predator out to get your children.

OP, I see nothing "creepy" about it, and I think it's a bit odd that people immediately jump to that conclusion.

My objection to it would be based more on the fact that children can become very attached to adults, and I would think that a 16 month old relationship is still very new (even though you were friends beforehand). Too new for that degree of intimacy with your child, because you have no way to know whether it will go the distance. Reading stories and playing games is fine; cuddling up is a degree of intimacy too far as this stage in the relationship. If you split up, your child will feel it like a bereavement if he has become properly attached to your boyfriend; I wouldn't have wanted this for my children when they were little.

Sorry OP. But your long standing friendship that pre dates the relationship isn't enough for me to feel relaxed about this.

He should not be settling him to bed without you. He can of course read your DS a book but as that book finishes you should be up there doing the last kiss goodnight.

@Skeumorph

And yes I'd be well on the alert at the speed at which this pattern has become established and how willing your bf is to do the bedtimes.

Your DS asks? Hear yourself - no. It's been facilitated and therefore, he asks. Really I would expect an aware and unrelated man to be very careful at overstepping boundaries. This guy certainly isn't.

Ok I'm going to do worse case scenario here... And i hope this is not thr case...

Like hell I'd let a newish boyfriend be on his own in your child's bed woth him.

If you haven't, please do a Sarah's law application on him to your local police.

If he's decent, he'll welcome this. Also ensure he's given you his correct name....

I've come across too many really very plausible men living ubder different names /dob.

They can inform if there's any offences or any intelligence on him - the most distressing child sex abuse cases was where Mum's boyfriend was 'so good' with young children and the woman had been 'friends' with him sometime before he moved in on them. Many offenders play the long game.... Very many of them are very very believable snd the ones where everyobr is deeply shocked when their pasts are uncovered.

Please dont be part of the statistics.

Sorry this is weird. I couldn't even fathom a partner of a year putting my child to bed.
Completely different if you're married or you have lived together for some years and have blended and he's a father figure to DS.. But a year? Nah.

Reading a story wouldn’t bother me, getting into bed to read the story would, honestly, make me feel uncomfortable.

I look after my nephew a couple of times a week. He’s 4 and I’ve looked after him since he was a baby so done all the nappies/helping with toilet and still don’t get into bed with him to read a story at bedtime. I sit on the end of the bed with him and then put him into bed after the story. I wouldn’t be happy with anyone only known for a relatively short time to be that involved with my own child. Rightly or wrongly I think caution needs to be taken when making these decisions, being overly cautious than not cautious enough could save a whole heap of problems.

Think you've had your answer op.

My best friend had the very same situation, her ex husband objected to her partner (of more than 5 years) sitting on the same bed as her son when he read him a story/put him to bed. It was brought up in court and solicitors on both sides agreed it wasn't a great idea, he now reads stories sitting on a chair next to the bed, and this didn't involve anything so weird as actually lying in bed with the child. Please don't get so defensive that you don't think about this properly. Protect your child sweetheart, they are irreplaceable, this chap isn't

How long until this thread goes 💥 due to the usual ‘privacy concerns’ OPs always have when the discussion doesn’t go the way they through it would….?

@Hertsgirl10 thats almost sounds like your blaming oarents for children getting abused, it can often be own family members or years long friends , even siblings There are so many ways and scenerios people don't even think of
I know thats not what you prob meant but it comes across a bit like that
Everyone has to try and make their own judgements on the people around them and sometimes they are wrong unfortunately, its maybe knowing red flags to look out for , knowing your child , teaching older children what is acceptable or not and millions of things really , mothers have not known their own kids fathers have been abusing before
We also don't know op house set up, all doors could be open and a small
House so can hear everything ,,her dp may of been sat on a chair in the room etc
But i mean some on here are saying they would never let a parter put their child to bed even after 10'years etc , but if you have gone on to have more kids with them surely you have to trust them by then as much as you can trust anyone ??

Your friend is being ridiculous.

It’s not a big deal.

StIll sad at some of the comments, so sad that people have to be so wary of others because there’s so many bad people out there, that we can’t trust anyone and there are equally as man ( more I like to think) good people out there.

My DD is 19 and I still don’t introduce her to anyone I’m seeing, I had a very unpleasant stepfather and so I’m perhaps unusually strict about that - friends in a similar situation definitely think I am.

I do think it’s sad that every man has to be viewed as a potential abuser though - on the face of it this guy could be kind and genuinely fond of the child but how can you be sure?

I would say though OP, I’m not sure you get the most balanced or realistic view asking on here, MN is extremely black and white as you’re no doubt aware.

I was in foster care and at age 7 and a bit, the man would ‘put me to bed’ (I had to sleep on their sofa in living room) and molest me. I would be supervising this situation, at least.

@WoodSageandSeasalt It might be sad but it’s sadder to not do that, get it wrong, and destroy the child’s life.

I honestly think if the BF was doing shit, he'd have saved it for another night. Obviously this is no guarantee. But do we really want to live our lives dictated by perverts? What about a normal life?

My mother repeatedly let her 'new boyfriend' put me to bed, didn't think anything of him being in bed asleep with me, now I have kids the same age I was when various things happened I wonder what the fuck she was thinking.

I left home at 15 after years of abuse that I blame him and my mother for and have no relationship with her (he's dead thankfully).

Its too much at all let alone too soon. Your child needs to learn where boundries are from you, and letting some random man who doesn't even live with him sleep in his bed is not a healthy boundary.

Its not even about just this guy, what if you split, in another year there's another guy and ds wants him to put him to bed. What would your justification for saying no be because this boyfriend does it. What if he goes for a sleepover and he thinks it's normal for the friends dad to jump in bed?

Protect your son.

@Alcemeg

I honestly think if the BF was doing shit, he'd have saved it for another night. Obviously this is no guarantee. But do we really want to live our lives dictated by perverts? What about a normal life?

We're not living our lives dictated by perverts. We're being cautious putting children in vulnerable positions with them.

Well, most of us are.

Your friend is rightly concerned. I think it’s odd that, even if your son is comfortable with it, that your partner thinks it’s ok to sleep in the same bed with your son. Even if it’s entirely innocent, he’s leaving himself and you open to serious allegations. What if your friend is freaked out enough to report this onwards?

Your friend is right, it’s not appropriate behavior, your son may ask for a bed time story but that’s not the same as then cuddling up in bed together, I’d be very worried about this and would stop it.

*@Bakewelltart987

‘If this man was abusing this child then surely the child would not ask for him to put him to bed.’

Ever heard of grooming?

‘But do we really want to live our lives dictated by perverts? What about a normal life?’

Wow 😞

Tell you what, let's accept nothing short of barrier nursing standards.

Also as a pp said, it’s teaching your son that it’s ok to let relative strangers get into bed with you, if you think it’s ok then what message is that giving him?