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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

357 replies

qwerty1129 · 25/01/2022 15:41

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

OP posts:
Bignanny30 · 25/01/2022 18:54

I’m not sure what I think about who’s right and who’s wrong here . All I can think is what a sad world we live in when we can’t trust adults with our children. 😞

Applesonthelawn · 25/01/2022 18:55

I really wish people would be more careful when introducing a new partner to a child. My son was 7 when I got with dh and 13 when we married and he never put him to bed (he's an adult now), nor would I ever have thought it reasonable. I'm sure you know that one of the most vulnerable times in a child's life is when a new partner is introduced. You should always err on the side of caution. Yes it's really not right.

BigYellowHat · 25/01/2022 18:56

I agree with the friend. Before DH, my son only met one boyfriend and that was only for a couple of trips to the park when we’d been seeing each other ages. He was ‘mummy’s friend’ so not even any handholding and strictly no overnight stays.

ElEmEnOhPee · 25/01/2022 18:56

Do PP seriously not allow their long-term friends to read a bedtime story to their DC?

On the sofa I would have allowed it, but upstairs in my childs bedroom with no supervision? Absolutely not.

Then again, as a 21yr old woman I had to sit in a small room watching a very young close relative give video evidence because her "step uncle" had been putting her to bed when she was 9, I won't go into detail but it what happened to her was as bad as you can imagine. I suppose that would colour my view somewhat.

BurntO · 25/01/2022 18:56

I’m with your friend. He might not be weird but I think you’re lacking if you think it’s totally fine

Bakewelltart987 · 25/01/2022 19:00

If this man was abusing this child then surely the child would not ask for him to put him to bed.
I would have no problem with him reading a quick story then back down I wouldn't allow the sleeping and cuddling tho that's weird.

Hertsgirl10 · 25/01/2022 19:01

@NotQuiteHere

I think if it were a female friend putting your son to bed, nobody would mind. YANBU, it is up to you to decide.
@NotQuiteHere

Oh yea cos all women don’t have any sense and think only men can manipulate and abuse children 🙄

girlmom21 · 25/01/2022 19:01

Do PP seriously not allow their long-term friends to read a bedtime story to their DC?

No because why would they possibly need to?

If my friend was babysitting I wouldn't expect them to get into my child's bed even if they were reading them a story.

IzzyD0ra · 25/01/2022 19:02

Why can't the OP have a break from bedtime if the offer is there? a single parent doing absolutely everything all the time is exhausting so she damn well should have a break if her partner is happy to do something

Why can he not put the washing on, make dinner, mop the floor, tidy the house etc in order to give her a break instead?

LifesABotch · 25/01/2022 19:03

YABU, sorry!

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 25/01/2022 19:04

Do PP seriously not allow their long-term friends to read a bedtime story to their DC?

This isn't just reading a bedtime story.

This is reading a story and then falling asleep with an unrelated child in their bed. There's a HUGE difference - it's worrying that you can't see that, tbh.

Hertsgirl10 · 25/01/2022 19:04

@Bakewelltart987

If this man was abusing this child then surely the child would not ask for him to put him to bed. I would have no problem with him reading a quick story then back down I wouldn't allow the sleeping and cuddling tho that's weird.
@Bakewelltart987 This is very ignorant, men and women that abuse children are extremely clever in getting what they want and say things to make children think it’s their fault, their idea.

So many worrying comments on this post, these comments are why children get abused and it gets kept a secret for so long. Please be more aware for your children and safeguarding.

Scbchl · 25/01/2022 19:05

I don't see an issue with it if you are in a serious relationship with no issues or fall outs etc.

IzzyD0ra · 25/01/2022 19:06

If this man was abusing this child then surely the child would not ask for him to put him to bed

Many, many children will cling to their abuser, tricked into thinking that what is happening is ok, nice , a little secret etc.

Rocktheboat56 · 25/01/2022 19:06

It's easy to jump to conclusions and think it's weird. For all we know your DS asked him to read a story because they are bonding and because he isn't local he was tired and they both fell asleep. I once feel asleep on the stares. Not intentional but I was just suddenly incredibly tired.

I guess the danger here is that it's been 1 year. Normally 7 months in you know if the person you are with is the one or not to continue and see how things go. It does make me wonder though how he ended up falling asleep. May be make light of it and ask what happened. Say something like "That was funny that you two fell asleep". See how he reacts and what he says.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/01/2022 19:06

I allow friends - make and female - to read my younger kids bedtime stories. They sit on the edge of the bed and do it, or on the sofa in the bedroom hugged up to the kids. I have no issue with this. They don't get in the bed, but may sit on it with feet up, back resting against the wall style. All fine by me.

Long term friends, if being kind enough to babysit, would get them into Pjs and put them to bed. And that is fine. My youngest might need help to use the potty - fine.

Actually getting into the bed is slightly odd, I agree, if that is what happened.

Mummytobe93 · 25/01/2022 19:07

@Bakewelltart987

If this man was abusing this child then surely the child would not ask for him to put him to bed. I would have no problem with him reading a quick story then back down I wouldn't allow the sleeping and cuddling tho that's weird.
Do you ever hear of grooming?
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 25/01/2022 19:07

male

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 25/01/2022 19:07

@Bakewelltart987

If this man was abusing this child then surely the child would not ask for him to put him to bed. I would have no problem with him reading a quick story then back down I wouldn't allow the sleeping and cuddling tho that's weird.
This is unbelievably naive.

Groomers are very, very clever.

ImNotDancing · 25/01/2022 19:10

I don’t think it’s weird. He’s not a new boyfriend they’ve been together over a year?

My 3yo goddaughter sleeps in my bed with me when she stays over and if I was at their house at bedtime id probably put her to bed and snuggle up with her to read her story.

The only difference is I’m a woman.

Member869894 · 25/01/2022 19:11

You are either a bit dim or astonishingly naieve

ASDorNO · 25/01/2022 19:12

@Bignanny30

I’m not sure what I think about who’s right and who’s wrong here . All I can think is what a sad world we live in when we can’t trust adults with our children. 😞
Agreed
YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 25/01/2022 19:13

I think its its risky, having him putting your son to bed alone... way too many opportunities for bad things to happen. Sorry if it seems harsh but it is true. Also the level of intense relationship will lead to inevitable sadness should you split.
Maybe try and tone it down and just focus on yours and his relationship as a separate thing from your family life to see the longevity.

PheasantsNest · 25/01/2022 19:13

Totally inappropriate. Think of your child first.

FreyaMaya · 25/01/2022 19:14

It's a no from me! No man would be cuddling and sleeping next to my son after just a year or so of dating! Your son needs to be safe guarded

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