To think that my friend is being ridiculous?

[qwerty1129]

DS is 5, 6 next week and I've been with my boyfriend for over a year but he doesn't live with us yet, he stays over a few nights a week and he always puts DS to bed when he does (DS asks).

On Saturday, my friend was here and so was my boyfriend. Boyfriend went to put DS to bed and I was with my friend, he had been a while so I went upstairs and he was asleep with DS cuddled up to him so I let them sleep.

I told my friend and she said it was ‘weird’ and I shouldn't let DS get attached to boyfriend as he isn't his real dad and he sees his dad (only once a month, sometimes not at all so he sees boyfriend more often).

Aibu here or is my friend being ridiculous?

I think on this one, an outsiders view is a bonus. Your friend is just looking out for you both and they are right, this really is not appropriate to be happening.

@cjpark why would an engagement ring make a difference if you think they haven't dated long enough a ring makes no difference
Gosh many people have a child with someone they barely know and then co parent
Yes you have to be careful but trusted friends and family sometimes end up being the bad ones too, many have been abused by their own fathers even
So many will leave with a babysitter or nanny , we have to risk assess all the time really

@qwerty1129

We've been together for 16 months and before we into a relationship he would occasionally come on days out with me and DS.

He didn't offer to do bedtime, DS always asks him for a story whenever he's over. I don't think he fell asleep on purpose and he did come back downstairs when he woke up

If you’re counting the relationship in months your being utterly irresponsible to allow this level of involvement

You don’t know this guy at all! your friend is right.

I know you think we’re all unrealistic and unreasonable old goats, but some of us have been through situations with horrible men pretending to be nice ones and we only have one job when it comes to kids… protect them.

Scale this relationship right back, get your friend to babysit and go spend time with this guy away from your son. You’re risking a lot for the sake of your convenience

I agree however that the cuddling is a bit much as the emotional attachment from the child’s point of view could become very strong, whereas your relationship with this man may not last…

Your bf of 1 year was snuggling up with your son in bed whilst you were downstairs? Thats insane!! Your poor son how inappropriate, what are you teaching him here exactly? Why are there no normal boundaries? Why the hell is your bf in bed with your son?!! I cannot get my head around that.

No, this cannot be real.

Really sorry but this is too creepy. Lolita vibes (the plot of the book by Nabokov) sorry if that is too awful to fathom but it seems that you don’t imagine what could possibly go wrong.

Some of the replies on here really show that some parents just aren't capable of making the right decisions for their children.

Have you even thought what your child might be learning about appropriate boundaries?

ABSOLUTELY NOT OK!!!!!!.
Your friend is completely right ,you are putting your child at risk of all sorts. It's weird very weird and if I knew you I would 100% be reporting to social services.

Grim. Can't believe a few people on this thread agree with you OP.

I wouldn't trust a boyfriend of that long with the keys to my house never mind unsupervised access to my child, but then lots of women are happy to move their partners in after 5 minutes so not sure why this post has shocked me so much to be honest.

@Alcemeg I don't assume all men are predators. But I still don't allow them to get into bed with my child.

I agree with most on here. I think it's great that your son has a good relationship with him and they seem to have a strong bond. However, why is he doing the bedtimes every time he's over? Why aren't you putting your own child to bed? It's weird all round. And to just leave him up there long enough for him to actually fall asleep ? In the early evening? Very odd. He shouldn't be doing the whole bedtime routine every time, there's a big difference between him reading your son a story and him doing the whole bedtime and then getting into bed and cuddling till they are both asleep.

Wouldn’t be for me and my children, I don’t think weird is the right word but for me it takes a lot to trust anyone with my children and especially after 1 year you don’t know him that well.

I feel like I have stumbled into a parallel world mumsnet… I can’t find anything wrong with the situation as long as both OP and her child are comfortable with it!

I'm sorry but I'm going to go against the grain here. OP trust your gut. If nothing feels off here to you then I wouldn't be worried - especially as you were friends with your BF before you were a couple.

@PenOrPencil

I feel like I have stumbled into a parallel world mumsnet… I can’t find anything wrong with the situation as long as both OP and her child are comfortable with it!

Totally agree

I think everyone is being very dramatic.

Everyone is talking like you've let Gary Glitter do the bedtime routine.

Ok 16 months isn't very long, but it's also not a few weeks either.

Some people wouldn't be ok with this level of involvement yet and that's absolutely their call and that's fine. But you obviously know him and trust him enough to allow him into your home and into your child's life. A partner that is happy to be involved in parenting is a positive thing, a lot of people would run a mile if they were being asked to do bedtime and read stories etc.

I think people are being way over the top making suggestions about why he fell asleep and didn't go back downstairs, questioning boundaries and consent. The bloke read a story and fell asleep. It isn't a crime.

I would be wary just because if the relationship doesn't work out it will be very hard on the child, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy family life together.

@PenOrPencil

I feel like I have stumbled into a parallel world mumsnet… I can’t find anything wrong with the situation as long as both OP and her child are comfortable with it!

The child is 5 - them seemingly being ok with still isn't enough.

Sorry OP, another YABU here. Way too soon.

It is completely inappropriate. You are waaay to relaxed about it. Your friend is right

@Kittykat93

I agree with most on here. I think it's great that your son has a good relationship with him and they seem to have a strong bond. However, why is he doing the bedtimes every time he's over? Why aren't you putting your own child to bed? It's weird all round. And to just leave him up there long enough for him to actually fall asleep ? In the early evening? Very odd. He shouldn't be doing the whole bedtime routine every time, there's a big difference between him reading your son a story and him doing the whole bedtime and then getting into bed and cuddling till they are both asleep.

*Why aren't you putting your own child to bed * Why can't the OP have a break from bedtime if the offer is there? a single parent doing absolutely everything all the time is exhausting so she damn well should have a break if her partner is happy to do something.

I can’t see a problem with it.

a single parent doing absolutely everything all the time is exhausting so she damn well should have a break if her partner is happy to do something.

Being a single mum doesn't mean you get to drop the ball when it comes to safe guarding just because you're exhausted! I'm also a single mum and would have LOVED a break sometimes, but I wouldn't risk my sons well being to have that break.

Your friend is right and a good friend to bring it to your attention.

The majority of the time partners are fine and well chosen. However it is no harm to be aware of the statistics.

A child living with both biological parents is at low risk of low.
The risk is 10x greater if living with one parent and 20x greater of that parent has a partner.

Main risk range is 7-13 with girls 5x more at risk than boys.

@KeepYaHeadUp

And the drip feed about him being a friend before you were in a relationship changes nothing.

Depends on how long that friendship was for, surely? If it's a long time, the DC may have already known his all his life.

Do PP seriously not allow their long-term friends to read a bedtime story to their DC?

@diddl

Asleep with Op's son cuddled up to him does make it sound as if they were both in bed.

If so, the fact that he thought that this OK would have me not seeing him again.

Yy . OP shouldn't be letting it happen but the bf shouldn't be putting himself in that position either. The fact that he did - and that he may have been taking advantage of OP being distracted by her friend -is a massive red flag.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. This is your life and your relationships, with both DS and your boyfriend.

Yes, if it doesn’t last, it will be a massive wrench for DS but I’m guessing that you have taken that into consideration when you made the decision to introduce them and let your boyfriend stay overnight and therefore become part of your family unit.

Only you know all three involved in your family - how serious you are and how committed. I knew with my OH within three months that neither he nor I were going anywhere without each other and we’re still together over a decade later. With others, I was with them for years and was not comfortable meeting their children as there was something not quite right.

The sad truth is, you could be with someone for five, ten, twenty years and they could walk away at the drop of a hat so I don’t think anyone can really say there’s an appropriate minimum amount of time before introducing your children to your SO. Trust your gut.