To refuse to make 8.5YO DD anything else for dinner?

[user1488481370]

I spent over an hour making dinner tonight in a freezing cold kitchen with no heating.

DD didn’t touch hers, didn’t even try it. Demanded I make her some super noodles instead and then hit me because I wasn’t getting up to do it straight away. I told her she can go into the kitchen herself and make some toast if she’s hungry with that attitude. She’s sat sobbing and I feel awful now 😫

Yanbu

Toast is fine.

Make sure you end her day with a cuddle and forgiveness, though, not anger.

She hit you! And over something so small. She’s the one that should feel awful, not you.
I hope there are some repercussions for that.

@Idontgiveagriffindamn soft play on Thursday has been cancelled!

Unless you tried to feed her tripe or tongue for her tea YANBU
Just out of interest, what did you cook?

I would let her calm down and then talk it through. If she's sorry and can be reasoned with I'd help her make the super noodles.

What was dinner? Is it something she likes/eats normally?

That whole situation sounds whacked. She hit you? And your response was 'make some toast'? And now she's crying.

I'm hoping this isn't true.

@SniffMyFeet mince and onions with carrots, peas, mashed potato and Yorkshire puddings.

She's 8, not 3.

She's old enough to not hit and ask nicely. She's also old enough to try the food at least.

You did the right thing.

If you had got up and made her dinner, after she hit you and demanded noodles, you'd be encouraging spoiled behaviour.

She’d usually leave the carrots and mash but eat the peas, mince and Yorkshire puddings which is a pass for me.

I wouldn't have even suggested she could make toast. That's a normal meal with plenty of elements she could eat if she doesn't like all of it. To hit you and demand alternative food is very poor behaviour - is that unusual for her?

Umm….she refused food and then hit you. Unless you served up revolting slop, she can eat it. And hitting in our house means straight to your room.

She’s only 1.5 years away from the age of criminal responsibility. Don’t let her think she can get away with hitting now.

She hit you and you are feeling awful? Did she apologise at least?

@Krakenchorus would you rather I hit her back?

And don’t make her super noodles. She can eat her dinner. Hopefully you have means to reheat it.

No apologies. My parents were very harsh with me when I was a child and I think I overcompensate with my own. unfortunately this isn’t unusual and she always manages to make me feel very guilty and as though I’m in the wrong (although deep down I know I’m in the right)

You are not in the wrong, she is. I understand not wanting to be like your parents if you don't approve of their child-raising methods, but children should not be allowed to actually hit their parents without any consequences.

[quote user1488481370]@Krakenchorus would you rather I hit her back?[/quote]
Where did she say that? Is physical assault the response to everything in your home?

[quote user1488481370]@Krakenchorus would you rather I hit her back?[/quote]
Of course not but what exactly were the immediate consequences of hitting her own Mother?
Is that a usual response from her to not getting exactly what she wants exactly when she demands it.
If you have provided food she would normally eat then you don’t make anything else. Her behaviour was awful.

I wouldn’t have offered toast, I would have said she has to eat at least some of it or she doesn’t get anything else. Hitting is definitely not ok. You were right to challenge her about her attitude. I would be having a serious conversation with her about how this situation is hurtful and upsetting for both of you and how you are going to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

It sounds like there is more going on than just a poorly-received meal. You're cooking in a freezing kitchen with no heating, you must be stressed out and it sounds as though she might be as well. I would make her some toast, then sit down with her for a proper talk about how she's feeling and what led to the outburst - as part of that of course she would be sternly reminded that hitting out is never the right answer. I would probably not punish her, though. I'd be more interested in helping her understand and manage her feelings, because she's struggling to.

For me not going to soft play does not feel like an appropriate punishment for an 8 year old hitting you. It feels too lenient.
When you say it’s not unusual do you mean the hitting or the refusal to try / eat food?

Sounds like a lovely tea. How's she behaving now? Sorry, I missed the hitting bit, are you OK @user1488481370?

Does she have anything else going on that might explain the food refusal and overreaction? It absolutely doesn't excuse the behaviour but might explain it.

If you respond with "wow, you're really angry and upset about dinner. It's not ok to hit me." Try to help her calm down and be there to listen if there's anything going on.

We always offer bread to the kids if they don't want dinner (DD nearly 8 possibly has ASD and can be very hit and miss depending on how calm she's feeling) and pudding (fruit or yoghurt) is not contingent on eating main.

Sorry. It’s not your role to make alternative meals for children. You are feeding a family not one child. Children need to get that not every meal is going to be their preference and they still need to eat meals that aren’t their favourite it without a temper tantrum.

OP her behaviour is atrocious! She hit you?! This is in no way OK! You cooked her a healthy dinner and received abuse - why on earth do you feel bad? She’s the one who should be feeling awful!

In terms of how you deal, I think you’ve already got a couple of things right:

Penalty for hitting = missing soft play, so that’s good.

Penalty for not even trying dinner = she can get herself some toast if she wants, so that’s good.

Learning for the future: once she’s calmed down, tell her she was extremely rude and that violence will not be tolerated. Ask her why she wouldn’t try any of it and explain that in future she has to try at least one element, if she really doesn’t like dinner she can get some toast, but if she shouts at you or hits you, she’ll be sent straight to bed and any treats or fun activities will be cancelled for a week.

You really need to nip this attitude and behaviour in the bud.