To refuse to make 8.5YO DD anything else for dinner?

[user1488481370]

I spent over an hour making dinner tonight in a freezing cold kitchen with no heating.

DD didn’t touch hers, didn’t even try it. Demanded I make her some super noodles instead and then hit me because I wasn’t getting up to do it straight away. I told her she can go into the kitchen herself and make some toast if she’s hungry with that attitude. She’s sat sobbing and I feel awful now 😫

Ummm...no. There's a great big middle ground as a response to rude, violent, entitled behaviour that's neither 'roll over and do as she demands' or 'hit her back'.

She could have said... Mum, I know you wanted to make a nice dinner, but I really just fancy plain noodles. You could model that for her. Your response still might not have been enthusiastic, but you two could have a conversation.

This incident suggests she's not learning to appreciate that you are a human with feelings. She is not a toddler... at 8 she should get that other people have feelings. And she should never hit you.

You need to stop thinking she's a toddler with a tantrum. She's 8 years old...Sorry my mistake 8 AND A HALF years old! Sounds like a perfect case for Supernanny with how you described her.

You don't have a great dynamic going on here do you?
Do you talk to your DD about what food you're going to be eating? Hitting you because she's not allowed noodles instead of dinner isn't on. But rather than punish her for being rude - how do you think this could be improved going forward?
Could you meal plan so she has some input, but knows if it's not a noodles night - not to ask for noodles and not make a fuss?

@user1488481370

No apologies. My parents were very harsh with me when I was a child and I think I overcompensate with my own. unfortunately this isn’t unusual and she always manages to make me feel very guilty and as though I’m in the wrong (although deep down I know I’m in the right)

You need to make it clear to her that you’re in the right. Every time.

Don’t mind me asking OP but was your DD ever a witness or a victim of physical abuse?

@Avarua

Yanbu

Toast is fine.

Make sure you end her day with a cuddle and forgiveness, though, not anger.

Not sure I’d be that quick to dole out cuddles and forgiveness after being hit for not jumping up quickly enough to meet her demand for super noodles! No way!

I think the fact you feel terrible is part of the problem. That was a lovely but not experimental dinner. No reason to cause such a fuss and she was very rude, you shouldn't feel bad and you shouldn't think you should have given in. You don't get what you want by hitting your mum.

Not sure I’d be that quick to dole out cuddles and forgiveness after being hit for not jumping up quickly enough to meet her demand for super noodles! No way
Agree... unless she apologises in which case I think it's ok. As long as you have a proper chat about her behaviour.

This isnt really normal behaviour for an 8/almost 9 year old.

Can you give us a picture of what life is normally like? How does she speak to you? How does she treat you and others in the family? And how do you treat her, does she witness lots of arguments for shouting... what is the house usually like?

Um wow... my 3 year old wouldn't hit me. Being a brat is normal, hitting isn't. You can't be sobbing in the corner op, upsetting as it must be. You need to be stern- but im sort of wondering how an 8yo could hit their mum (who is most likely a very nice kind woman!)

Cancelling soft play on Thursday is a ridiculous punishment for a child who behaved badly on Monday.

Punishments should be immediate and vaguely connected.

Hit you....stopped about dinner..... I'd send her to her room for the rest of the night

If she didn't appear contrite and apologetic tomorrow I'd have a good stern discussion with her about her actions. It's OK to feel sad or cross. It's absoloutley not OK to be violent with it.

Stop spending an hour making a tea she won’t eat

Make quick healthy stuff in the week and have a special tea once or twice that takes longer

An hour is ridiculous and makes you more resentful when she acts like this

Just be careful you are not over compensating for your own upbringing and accepting the unacceptable. Hitting is totally wrong, and for me that would be sent to her room until bedtime. Then there would be a talk about behaviour, an apology from her, toast and milk and a cuddle. Soft play also cancelled.

@user1488481370

No apologies. My parents were very harsh with me when I was a child and I think I overcompensate with my own. unfortunately this isn’t unusual and she always manages to make me feel very guilty and as though I’m in the wrong (although deep down I know I’m in the right)

By overcompensating, you are raising a child who has no respect. You can be a loving parent with boundaries in place.

I have a 5 and 3 year old; I can say with absolute confidence, no matter how angry or upset they are, neither would raise a hand to me. They are still learning emotional control so both will cry, scream or storm off but they are very aware that hitting is unacceptable and would not be tolerated.

As far as the meal goes, you are completely reasonable not to offer anything else; there are lots of components to the meal you offered and as long as she could pick the parts she likes. But there is a much bigger issue with discipline which you need to consider

Did she have a snack after school, or has she waited since school to eat?

I know my DC is a different person when tired & hungry like me

Some kids just need to come in from school and have ‘kiddie tea’ at like 4.30pm or they’re absolute arseholes

It’s a pain when you want something fancier or more time consuming for yourself but to keep things simple in the week it honestly can be so much better for everyone. You can still experiment with more grown up meals eating out or at weekends

it sounds like there is background here? Had she had a bad day?

@Itsalmostanaccessory

This isnt really normal behaviour for an 8/almost 9 year old.

Can you give us a picture of what life is normally like? How does she speak to you? How does she treat you and others in the family? And how do you treat her, does she witness lots of arguments for shouting... what is the house usually like?

This ^

I’ve got a strong suspicion DD witness some sort of abuse towards OP ( my bet is from the dad) and she’s copying it.

I can’t see how else an 8 year old could think that hitting an adult solves anything (unless she’s got SN/EBD)

She is 8.5 and she hit you? Is there SEN here?

I overcompensated too for similar reasons OP , I recognise that after a lot has happened that made me realise it really did me no favours and my children didn't love or like me more for it , if anything I think it made it easier for them to not treat me too well

I get that it must have been extremely difficult and painful to have grown up with very harsh parents. However you must get over that and not overcompensate with your daughter. The behaviour she showed is really very horrible and you don’t seem worried at all, you think that you’ve been too hard on her?! She sounds like a little monster in the making and you really need to come down on this like a tonne of bricks. You don’t have that much time anymore to correct this behaviour. Is her dad on the scene? Could he help you achieving a more effective approach to discipline?

Are there other things going on? Issues with the other parent, if there is one, or at school?

You can’t let hitting go either way of course. I’d try to give a consequence that happens today and doesn’t inconvenience anyone else with my 7 yo, if he did something I considered serious such as hitting.

But I think a conversation is also in order, to get to the bottom of things.

I can't believe you seem to be minimising the fact that she hit you ... seriously why are you sitting crying, she should be straight to her bedroom .. lights off. My DS could be challenging at times but I have never been hit him him ... if he was rude or obnoxious he went straight to his room.

@Blueeyedgirl21

Stop spending an hour making a tea she won’t eat

Make quick healthy stuff in the week and have a special tea once or twice that takes longer

An hour is ridiculous and makes you more resentful when she acts like this

A special tea? It was a perfectly normal everyday tea, not lobster thermidor.

We don’t make alternate meals. We have a menu, everybody has eaten/liked meals of the menu before, you eat that or nothing basically. We don’t cook to order.