To refuse to make 8.5YO DD anything else for dinner?

[user1488481370]

I spent over an hour making dinner tonight in a freezing cold kitchen with no heating.

DD didn’t touch hers, didn’t even try it. Demanded I make her some super noodles instead and then hit me because I wasn’t getting up to do it straight away. I told her she can go into the kitchen herself and make some toast if she’s hungry with that attitude. She’s sat sobbing and I feel awful now 😫

I agree with @inheritancetrack

Jesus, stop being a doormat and start enforcing some boundaries.

Kids don’t cope well without boundaries, they need to know what limits are need to have emotional and disciplinary structure.

My kids wouldn’t even dream about raising a hand to me and haven’t since they were about 4. And they sure as shit wouldn’t demand I make them super noodles.

By behaving so passively, you’re creating an absolute monster of a human. There is a massive difference to raising kids firmly but fairly and with love, and letting them rule the roost because you’re afraid to say no.

I had dysfunctional upbringing and left with food issues. I ways asked my kids what they fancied to eat and cooked accordingly which I know a lot of people wouldn't agree with but I really can't eat anything I don't like so don't see why my children should have to eat something they don't like. I still do it and they are all adults. None of them have ever tried to hit me no matter what their age. Not trying to make you feel bad at all but could I suggest you communicate with your daughter and find out what she fancies eating before you cook and perhaps involve her in the process of cooking. Also at some point let her know calmly how upset it made you when she hit you. 💐

I'd not have offered toast after she hit me. She'd go straight to her room and stay there until morning. If she's hungry, well that's just tough. That's the consequence of not eating her dinner and hitting her mother. If she wants to turn on the waterworks she can do that in her room too.

You're not in the wrong. If you make her something else this behaviour will continue. Unfortunately I know this from experience! The only way is 'this is what we're having for dinner'. It's perfectly reasonable to cook her dinner, and not make her a second dinner because she had a tantrum. Nothing to feel guilty about. Stick to your guns.

@NuffSaidSam

I would let her calm down and then talk it through. If she's sorry and can be reasoned with I'd help her make the super noodles.

What was dinner? Is it something she likes/eats normally?

This approach would just teach DD that tantrums get her attention, then get what she wants, and that you don't mean what you say.

The hitting thing is unacceptable so cancelling the soft play is a good idea.
Regarding the dinner, mine were terrible at dinner time never wanted what I cooked and both wanted something different. They both have school dinners now and they get a choice of three different meals at school, at home they have a "tea" something on toast or bagels/ sandwiches. It works so much better this way for everyone :)

I would totally refuse. She hit you?! Dinner doesn’t even sound unpleasant. My mum used to make me liver, tongue sandwiches, meatloaf

We’ve recently had to move house thanks to violent and aggressive behaviour from our in-laws. The DC’s didn’t witness any of the violence as such but they’ve been glared at, shouted and sworn at and had their toys damaged/defaced. BIL also has a criminal record for GBH against DP (DD’s dad) which happened before DD was born but was fetched into conversation recently when BIL was confrontational with DP and said ‘I only hit you because you gave our mother a black eye,’ which was completely false. DD was very upset by this and asked me if it was true to which i told her it wasn’t, otherwise daddy would’ve had the conviction not her uncle.

I can honestly say DP has never raised a hand to myself or our children and if he ever did we’d be gone the same hour!

The attitude from DD isn’t new, the hitting out is. She’s always been strong willed but up until last year I’d have always said she wouldn’t hurt a fly.
I’ll be honest and say I don’t always deal with things in the best way with her. We have two other very young children, I’m often rather fraught, still haven’t properly unpacked and have a tendency to yell when I’m overwhelmed (this is usually after several attempts of being calm and trying to explain things nicely) but I definitely don’t help the situation at times.

The school DD attends has also had a major change round (they’ve changed buildings completely) and she’s really struggled with this, usually she wouldn’t bat an eye about it.

You need to set some boundaries here op. Dinner is dinner, eat a bit of everything on the plate. If you wanted noodles you should have said so and noodles on their own is not a balanced meal.
When she hit you she should have been sent to her room until she apologised. Then you can talk and listen about how she felt, how you felt, why she didn't want mince, etc.
It's not being harsh to expect some respect from your child and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Let her sob until she apologises for hitting you and makes her mind up to eat her dinner.

I think your update is really helpful OP. Sounds like your DD is struggling with lots of changes. Maybe she's trying to wrest a bit of control back.
Lots of love and reassurance, plus reinforcing that hitting you is not the way ahead. Find some ways she can take back choices and have a little bit more autonomy.

No wonder DD is showing signs of aggression if she has been exposed to abuse from adults (in laws , uncle).

You and DH need to sit her down and explain that violence is not an answer to anything, and if she’s struggles with emotions I’d recommend child psychologist or therapy.

There's a middle ground to be found between too lenient and too strict and nobody is perfect- however your daughter physically striking you is just beyond the pale. You honestly might benefit from some therapy if possible and even a parenting course to give you strategies to deal with your kids. I'm not criticizing you I'm just giving you suggestions. Your daughter needs some help and I think you should approach her school and see if they can provide counseling-all this change in her life is causing stress and ineffective coping on her part-sending you a hug cause I was assaulted a couple times by my SN son and it's a horrible feeling and a lonely place to be.

There is no way I'd permit her to make herself toast. I do sometimes make spicy food I tell the kids in advance they can just try some of and then have bread, but that's very rare. If you've made a child friendly meal, she can either eat it or skip it. Unless there's some other issue, she won't starve.

I think you need to think calmly about your reactions when your DD behaves likes this.

It’s definitely not ok for her to hit you, there was enough of a variety of food there for her to at least eat some of it.

However she’s also a child and needs to be taught how to manage her emotions better in future. Punishment on its own won’t help her to develop those skills.

I would suggest that you explain to her how her actions made you feel. Talk to her about your expectations for her behaviour. You also need to ensure you model that behaviour yourself.

In our house we have a chalkboard on which I list the meals for the week. The children can see at a glance what we are eating so no disappointment. They know that some meals they’ll love, others they aren’t so keen on, but they are expected to try and eat something and I won’t be making anything else. At a last resort they can have bread. If they want to suggest meals or help to cook that’s fine.

However I feel there may be bigger issues going on with your DD possibly related to the other incidents you have listed.
Mealtimes are often a flashpoint because they are one of the few areas of their lives that children have control over. Plus, they know that food refusal will get a guaranteed emotional reaction from their parents!

So -
Outline expectations of behaviour, and model them yourself
Outline mealtime rules and stick to them.
Think about what might be triggering this behaviour.

I also think that you should always hug before bed no matter what else has happened.
Don’t drag things over into the next day. You deal with it, then put it behind you and say tomorrow is a new day for a fresh start.

Thank you all. I ALWAYS hug and kiss her and tell her I love her before she goes to sleep. No matter what.

I do think the posts on here have been harsh. I didn’t want to say anything but will since your update.

Children don’t generally hit out at this sort of age unless there is some underlying cause or boundaries issues. My dd hit me on a couple of occasions when she was about 7, perhaps 8. Dh made it known it was totally unacceptable. Incidentally one of those was also around food as she is fussy and has some mild sensory issues around food. She also has a lot to deal with due to my poor health, which is why it was necessary for dh to step in.

It sounds as if your dcs have had a lot of change and very poor role models from extended family. Yes, it wasn’t nice of your dd to hit. But she’s learning on no uncertain terms that her behaviour isn’t ok. Moving house and school changes will have brought a lot of turmoil. It’s understandable that she is looking to find some control in other aspects of her life.

My mum had an “eat it or wear it” policy.

To even think of hitting her would’ve gotten me knocked into the the next week. Wow.

And Mum was always right, because mums always are. Especially to little children, whether they really are or not. Because they’re MUM.

Consequences for hitting should be immediate. (Bed/time out, removal of the thing she wanted me the noodles)

Discuss the behaviour, why it is unacceptable, how it would make you feel and what she could have done instead. ( Find this works well with one of mine)

Given the background, I would be less harsh and take her some toast /reoffer tea after an apology and she has asked appropriately. She needs reassuring after all the big emotions and upheaval that you still love her whilst also holding the line that hitting is unacceptable. Is is quite young to be managing these emotions but as previous posters have pointed out she has to learn by the time she is ten or is in deep shit.

Work on prevention. Teach appropriate ways to express emotions. Get yourself sorted regarding your past. Read up on appropriate discipline, maybe take a parenting course to find that middle way. Help her get through all these changes by giving her more support.

Consistency is crucial. That includes discipline too. Keep to a routine, familiar food, easy healthy food. Cut yourselves some slack and you can support her more too.

She hit you?

She's 8.5 not 2.5 she obviously knows that you don't hit people. If I were you I would focus on what's going on there rather than the food thing.

At that age she's not going to starve herself. Perhaps there's something else going on here which is making her behave in that way.

Fucking autocorrect.

Ie the noodles not me the noodles.

Your updates change things. She's had a lot of change and upheaval and is feeling insecure. Also, hitting is not an ongoing issue and a new one so agree with PP to put a stop to it before it escalates.

Agree with @BlackeyedSusan for finding way to prevent and looking at other strategies and definitely agree with you in making sure they always go to bed knowing they're loved no matter what has happened in the day

She refused to eat, hit you and you're the one that feels bad. No don't allow this behaviour please! If you discuss meals that she likes then do a set menu for the week so she knows what to expect..if mine ever hit me or behaved like that they'd be in their room for the rest of the night with toast.

You should have put everything in your OP. Most of the suggestions aren't appropriate for a child struggling as she is. The ones advocating you knocking her into next week and leaving her hungry would get services involved. You've underestimated what your in-laws behaviour has done to her. There's been a level of harm. You need to talk to her and listen. She needs to know that your love and protection isn't going to change. It's disgraceful that the conversation took place in her hearing, what were you thinking? Why is your BIL around your DD? You've got to start safeguarding her. She's a confused, frightened child. Involve her in meal planning, make things fun. Still give boundaries that make her feel secure. It's a shame that soft play was cancelled, you'd have all had fun together and it sounds like you needed that. But it's done.

Sounds like OP needs to take a second look at certain things. It is not OK for your daughter to react like this. She’s only going to get bigger and things will get worse without some necessary changes.