To refuse to make 8.5YO DD anything else for dinner?

[user1488481370]

I spent over an hour making dinner tonight in a freezing cold kitchen with no heating.

DD didn’t touch hers, didn’t even try it. Demanded I make her some super noodles instead and then hit me because I wasn’t getting up to do it straight away. I told her she can go into the kitchen herself and make some toast if she’s hungry with that attitude. She’s sat sobbing and I feel awful now 😫

It is so important to set boundaries with kids, and actually with eldest/elder siblings even more so because it sets the standard for reasonable behaviour for the whole family. It sounds like you have a lot of guilt around the rest of your family life, and are not giving your eldest your full attention. In the short term it might be easier to parent less and be more permissive, but taking a little bit of time to set and enforce boundaries now pays dividends later, and for the younger kids too. If you let it be acceptable for her to hit you, then her siblings will follow suit. It's up to you what those boundaries are and what the repercussions are but I would suggest that any violence needs to be responded to as a minimum, and that the repercussion needs to be more immediate than cancelling soft play which is days away. This could be sending her to her room, or taking her screen time away, or something along those lines.

I say that as somebody who, due to my eldest having ASC and also leaving an abusive relationship I had a lot of guilt and did not parent my best, let my DD get away with some violent behaviours and things like that, when actually what she needed was to know that she was safe and secure, and that's what rules do for kids. It is not good for them to have the power in those situations, it is better for them to know that a) you love them no matter what but b) the behaviour is not acceptable, will not be tolerated and will be responded to with some kind of consequence. It amazes me that since changing my parenting methods I now see my children become so much more confident and emotionally balanced with hardly any violence/aggression. I felt guilty when I started being stricter and saying no, putting in more boundaries. But it turns out it's exactly what they needed.

@Ponoka7 he had come down from his place of work specifically to have shout at our children for playing in their own garden because it was distracting his girlfriend from working at home. We didn’t anticipate that he would be coming back at all. My SIL (who also live in close proximity with her DC’s - we get on) was telling BIL what she thought of him as I was getting the DC’s into the house. All of them overheard what he said. It wasn’t like it was a conversation/confrontation that we knew was going to happen. You can’t shield them from everything.

I believe it's actually more important for children who have been in situations which have been confusing or abusive, which have upset their idea of right and wrong and where they have been around people who perpetrate, normalise or justify violence. It's important to un-blurr those blurred lines of what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. It sounds like her emotions are heightened, she is anxious and has a lot going on and is in a new environment and her family composition has changed recently, as well as changes at school and questions about morality and her family. This is not a recipe for a happy settled stomach to eat a balanced meal, either, so this may be contributing to how wrought meal times have become. However, the way you change that is by making your home a consistent environment of calm and clear communication. To make meal times somewhere where everyone knows what is expected of them. So having meals at the same time every day, having a menu of regular meals, and perhaps having a planned 'back up' eg. If you don't like the meal there is bread or toast as an alternative. Then you can prioritise the unacceptable behaviour of violence for now, whilst giving her the opportunity to start to recover from her trauma.

Is she getting any support from school or anywhere else? She may benefit from extra emotional support through the school, or counselling externally.

We had no choice growing up it eat what your given.

I know you didn't want all your effort of cooking in a cold kitchen for an hour to go out the window. But the fact is she doesn't like the meal enough not to eat it. I'm sympathetic towards both of you. If she does this a lot you'll need a dietician. But toast for dinner? That's not substantial enough. From her perspective you're giving up on her needs because you can't be arsed anymore which is fair enough and then fobbing her off with toast. I know you were resentful towards her but you were bitchy to her bcause she didn't like the meal. At the end of the day she just didnt like it. Maybe that's why she's sobbing because you treated her like shit just because she didnt like your food

@HRMtheQuern

I know you didn't want all your effort of cooking in a cold kitchen for an hour to go out the window. But the fact is she doesn't like the meal enough not to eat it. I'm sympathetic towards both of you. If she does this a lot you'll need a dietician. But toast for dinner? That's not substantial enough. From her perspective you're giving up on her needs because you can't be arsed anymore which is fair enough and then fobbing her off with toast. I know you were resentful towards her but you were bitchy to her bcause she didn't like the meal. At the end of the day she just didnt like it. Maybe that's why she's sobbing because you treated her like shit just because she didnt like your food

How did OP treat her like shit?

@Fatgalslim
'I told her she can go into the kitchen herself and make some toast if she’s hungry with that attitude.'
because the OP has fobbed her daughter off with insubstantial 'dinner' - toast because of her 'attitude' when the truth is the OP can't be arsed after spending an hour in a cold kitchen and wants to get back at her daughter rather than being caring and loving and understanding over the fact that she doesnt like the food that much (enough to wind her daughter up enough to hit her) because shes too busy thinking about what she did for her daughter and how her efforts have gone out the window

@DreamTheMoors

My mum had an “eat it or wear it” policy.

To even think of hitting her would’ve gotten me knocked into the the next week. Wow.

And Mum was always right, because mums always are. Especially to little children, whether they really are or not. Because they’re MUM.

I could have written this about my Mum! Hitting your mother is not acceptable. We had no choices in what we ate, we just ate it. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this OP. I think you have been very reasonable.

[quote HRMtheQuern]@Fatgalslim
'I told her she can go into the kitchen herself and make some toast if she’s hungry with that attitude.'
because the OP has fobbed her daughter off with insubstantial 'dinner' - toast because of her 'attitude' when the truth is the OP can't be arsed after spending an hour in a cold kitchen and wants to get back at her daughter rather than being caring and loving and understanding over the fact that she doesnt like the food that much (enough to wind her daughter up enough to hit her) because shes too busy thinking about what she did for her daughter and how her efforts have gone out the window[/quote]
Fucking hell, that's all a bit of a stretch! Who's pissed on your chips today?

Well the OP is writing because of her daughters attitude and im explaining why shes got one

@DreamTheMoors

My mum had an “eat it or wear it” policy.

To even think of hitting her would’ve gotten me knocked into the the next week. Wow.

And Mum was always right, because mums always are. Especially to little children, whether they really are or not. Because they’re MUM.

This is complete nonsense & scary to read

Mums are not always right. We are humans, with all the flaws that entails. Getting it wrong at times and admitting it, then addressing it, is modelling good behaviour for DC.

I agree there needs to be really clear consequences for hitting you. Going to her room to think about her behaviour is a good idea, followed by a conversation about what happened & why.

Regarding the food, did she know that's what you were making & was happy to eat it? She usually likes most of it, you said.

If so I would have been firm about her having some, but if not, that's the end of dinner. I wouldn't provide any specific alternatives. Equally, I wouldn't just tell her to go into the kitchen & get herself toast.

I think you need to create some positive interactions with her, following what sounds like quite a tough time for her. Don't cancel soft play.

If my child hit me they wouldn't be getting anything that evening including toast. They would be going hungry to bed.

[quote HRMtheQuern]@Fatgalslim
'I told her she can go into the kitchen herself and make some toast if she’s hungry with that attitude.'
because the OP has fobbed her daughter off with insubstantial 'dinner' - toast because of her 'attitude' when the truth is the OP can't be arsed after spending an hour in a cold kitchen and wants to get back at her daughter rather than being caring and loving and understanding over the fact that she doesnt like the food that much (enough to wind her daughter up enough to hit her) because shes too busy thinking about what she did for her daughter and how her efforts have gone out the window[/quote]
Your children must be spoilt brats.

@EarringsandLipstick

Lol nonsense and scary? To you maybe. Not to most normal kids with normal mums.

That “sensitive” mum was on tv, not in real life. Not in the 50s & 60s.

My 6 year old is fussy at times. The things I know he really doesn't like I'm happy to take away, for example mushroom. I know he will eat casserole or bolognese etc but would obviously rather just have pizza or nuggets.

On those nights when we have more sauce based meals that he is not a fan of always, I know he may complain I give him an extra small portion and leave it up to him to eat it, I tell him he has until bedtime to eat the small amount and it's up to him if he eats it or not and he doesn't have to eat it. However if he doesn't eat the small amount by bedtime he won't be getting any cereal or snacks instead. He does try to negotiate but it's such a baby size amount (a desert spoon of rice and casserole) I just don't engage to the whining and I've had the old little punch or kick. I finish my meal and busy myself with something else. It's my job to give him a decent balanced diet but his job to eat it and most of the time he will. I am slowly giving him slightly bigger portions on those meal nights (he gets healthy snacks after or extra veg and some plain chicken or cheese) But he has to eat what is provided minus the obvious dislikes to get anything else. It is slowly working although it's taking about 3 months but he is getting a taste for spice as well now so slowly I'm building up his palette. I would say it's your job to provide you dd with a healthy balance meal and it's up to her to eat it. I wouldn't be making different meals but maybe compromise and give a small amount and something extra after. That way hopefully she get used to eating what the family eats together. Most of us know we can't have your favourite food every night if it's not very healthy, kids need to learn this to.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky
You can't just neglect your child for outward behaviour

[quote DreamTheMoors]@EarringsandLipstick

Lol nonsense and scary? To you maybe. Not to most normal kids with normal mums.

That “sensitive” mum was on tv, not in real life. Not in the 50s & 60s.[/quote]
What are you talking about?

If that's how your mum was in the 50s & 60s, then I'd like to think we've moved on a bit. Tho even then, that idea of omnipotence & using fear to dominate children wasn't normal. Just because some people did it.

I make mistakes with my kids all the time. I try to acknowledge them, apologise and deal with them. You know the way we ask kids to?

You have some very odd ideas of normality.

@EarringsandLipstick

Stop overreacting. You don’t know me. I posted something about MY MUM.

If you’re different, well, good for you. You’ve got no business criticizing ANYBODY else. In particular, strangers on the internet, whose one post you’ve read.
Criminy. Lighten up.

She HIT you?

That would have been straight to bed with no tea from me. Let alone toast and cuddles!

Has she seen a child counsellor to cope with the behaviour of her in-laws and Dad? And COURSE she has seen/heard it. That's why she is mimicking it.

This little girl needs some help to deal with the abuse she witnessed. Has she seen anybody/have you spoken to school?

The fact your kitchen has no heating is neither here or there, that isn't your daughters fault.

You say she usually eats the meal but not carrots and mash? Why did you put them on her plate? Do you eat food you don't like OP?

With regards to hitting. I would have sent her to her room, until she had calmed down. I'd then speak to her about why that behaviour is not ok and how it made you feel. She cannot hit you, that is not ok. Please don't feel bad, parenting is hard and we all have days where we feel rubbish.

Blimey you need to nip this behaviour in the bud OP, or she could land herself in serious trouble in adolescence if she escalates. Hitting your parent aged 8 is not normal at all. I understand she’s had a bit of a tough time, but I think you need to take this very serious and get some support to get some discipline and order at home.

SeriousLY I mean

My youngest used to get into awful moods about food and dinner time, until about 7. She is now diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, autism etc. After a power battle over the dinner table most evenings, I started getting her to help with making dinner. This worked for us, and made her feel proud about her contribution to the dinner table. Also led to discussions about food choices, and biology. Gave her chance to talk to me as we peeled and washed up. No food drama now, but it did take time to manage a kitchen around a child with anger and sensory issues. No magic solution to what you are dealing with, but something to consider?