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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should provide snacks?

258 replies

FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 15:47

Ex collecting dc for his weekend. The arrangement is we take turns in doing the journey so one time I will take them both ways, the next time he will. He sees them one weekend a month (his choice - he was offered more)

When I do the journey I deliver them to and collect them from his door. When he does I have to drop them to and collect them from the station because he doesn't drive and won't collect them from school or their club. It's annoying but I don't mind because it's easier for the children. Also I will not have him come to or near my house due to past abuse.

He is demanding that I provide them with snacks and drinks for the journey to his house. He thinks this is reasonable because I have the children most of the time so I get the child benefit etc for them. He doesn't work and has to pay for the journey to get them and bring them back. He has apparently asked 3 different people who all think it's reasonable for me to provide food for the journey and not him.

AIBU to think he's a dick?
WIBU to send the dc with no snacks?

I don't want the dc to suffer, but I also want to maintain proper boundaries because ex is a 'give and inch and he'll take a mile' kind of a guy.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 24/01/2022 19:20

snacks aren't needed

you might find its him that wants the snacks...

twat

Anna10309 · 24/01/2022 19:20

@Clymene

I'd send them with snacks and tell them their dad is too cheap to feed them
Don't do this! Don't put your kids in the middle and make them feel bad. That would be incredibly petty. Just pack them an extra snack if it's a very long journey.
AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2022 19:26

@FinestChicken

They are doing a sports class beforehand so will prob be hungry.
It may be petty but would they have time to have a sandwich & drink with you before catching the train? If you drive from sports to the station I'd have them eat it in the car. I'd rather have them eat with me than hand him over a bag of snacks.
VeganVampire · 24/01/2022 19:26

Give them a post sport snack and drink while they are with you on the way to the station. He can have the empty wrappers.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 24/01/2022 19:31

Can you have food in the car ready so they can eat on the way to the train station. That way they're fed, but you're not doing as you're told.

Dimondsareforever · 24/01/2022 19:34

He should provide. But I guess he doesn't. So unfortunately you will have to for the sake of the children.

SonicStars · 24/01/2022 19:38

Obviously he's wrong, he should be feeding the children when in his care. No one agrees with him, he's being an arse.

But as others say it's not really about that. I would send them with full water bottles, snacks and a little note or picture with the snacks each time to make them smile and remind them of how lovely mummy is.

JollyAndBright · 24/01/2022 19:39

Meh, I’m petty.

I’d take the kids sandwichs and crisps to eat in the car between school and the station and give them just a drink to take on the train.

There’s no way I would let him ‘win’ the snack demand, but I would make sure the kids didn’t go hungry.

steff13 · 24/01/2022 19:43

@SarahBellam

Can you get them jacked up on Haribo and sherbet Dip-Dabs? Maybe a can of Red Bull each?

THIS IS A JOKE BEFORE ANYONE STARTS.

I was going to suggest a can of Coke and a chocolate bar each. Get them all hopped up on caffeine and sugar for the visit. 😂
willstarttomorrow · 24/01/2022 19:50

@38SonicStars love the note! Remember when DC was not a teenager and how this made her smile when she had a lunch box. I am going to out a post-it in her planner for tomorrow and I know it will make her happy (although she will deny this it and tell me I am really sad).

Gardenista · 24/01/2022 19:50

This is about controlling the OP - and him being a lazy parent. I agree give an inch he will take a mile, and the next step will be asking for a contribution to his travel costs. With 4 children presumably the oldest ones have some measure of what he is like and who is actually there for them. If possible I'd give them their snacks in the car, rather than handing him a bag.

It doesn't surprise me at all that he asked OP for plasters for the children, he's a deadbeat lame excuse for a father but the contact is for the children's benefit.

My ex husband pays no maintenance but asked me for a contribution to his travel costs to see our child - the best he can manage is 90 minutes in pizza express a couple of times a year before it's all too exhausting for him, can't even manage a monthly video call but I bite my tongue as the contact is for her benefit. She's 6 and has already noticed with no prompt from me that other divorced dads do school pick ups/ have their children overnight - I don't need to say anything negative about him - she's worked it out for herself as I'm sure OP's kids have too .

OP - if he complains to the children he gives you so much money for them then tell them it is 25 pence each per day. Your oldest will know exactly how far that will stretch..

2lilcherubs · 24/01/2022 20:02

if it were me, knowing he is likely to be a arse about it. then i would reply "of course i would send them with a snack. I am their parent and i know if i cant trust any one else to provide for and parent them"
or something to that affect.

Then money allowing, let them pick a snack they will be excited about or give them tubs and share between some pringles, small biscuits, some fruit, cocktail sausages etc some picnic like they would love.

then send them armed up with a new mag or tablets/activity books or whatever that will have them literally ignore him the entire journey.

But my sure the kids know it was my who got them their treats

Darbs76 · 24/01/2022 20:12

Of course he’s being unreasonable. He doesn’t provide hardly any maintenance so of course he shouldn’t expect you to provide snacks. I’d send something basic, water and fruit or biscuits but let him know you’ve asked (insert number of responses who said you shouldn’t pay on here) and they all said he should pay. Even if he was providing £300 a month maintenance he should be paying for their food on his time

gumball37 · 24/01/2022 20:26

You should show up with 7.50 for each kid and say "here's the maintenance your dad pays for the month, you can use it to buy snacks for the trip".

Summersdreaming · 24/01/2022 20:38

I'd give them 25p each in an envelope labelled Daddy's snack money - Saturday or whatever day it is, but I'm extremely petty Grin

KurtWilde · 24/01/2022 20:51

@gumball37

You should show up with 7.50 for each kid and say "here's the maintenance your dad pays for the month, you can use it to buy snacks for the trip".
Please don't do this, it's not fair dragging the kids into it.
Rach000 · 24/01/2022 20:59

What a useless idiot. Bet his mates just agreed as they are either as useless and thick as he is or they didn't want to agree with someone like him.
You should just reply after while of ignoring him and just say yeah of course no problem with providing my children with water and snacks.
Like the idea of messy snacks. Those milkshakes that always get spilt 🤣

Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 20:59

I won't. At one point he actually asked me to tell the children that he gave me money each month for them. I said I wouldn't because it wasn't fair on them, and pointed out that the older ones would certainly ask how much even if I had agreed. Strangely he never asked me again. Now he talks to them about it in such a way as to make them think he is paying out lavish amounts and I keep schtum while silently grinding my teeth. I will never drag the children into his stupid games.

OP posts:
GeorgiaGirl52 · 24/01/2022 21:02

I would send snacks for the sake of the children....
However...
I would also respond to his emails demanding snacks and keep copies of the correspondence.
Dear Pathetic Loser:
I received your multiple requests that I send snacks for the children on their trip. I am sending snacks as I do not want my children going hungry. As you can only afford 25p per day for child I understand how difficult it must be for you to feed them on their monthly visit. Next month before their visit perhaps you should take a trip to the local food bank in your town and provide them with food for the 48 hours they will be with you. Snarkily yours, ExWife

jelly79 · 24/01/2022 21:10

I feel rage for you!! How dare he think that you should drive h to e DC to him and when he has to do a journey they are given a packed lunch. He absolutely should be prepared for what they need on the journey that he is in their care.

He provides nothing else by the sounds of it!

TheOrigRights · 24/01/2022 23:52

You know OP, in time your kids will work it out for themselves and know who they can rely on and trust and be the parent.

Try and rise above it and do keep in mind that you can go back to court to change the CAO if he continues to make things difficult. Representing yourself is not too expensive.

I was (am) disgusted when my ex started using our youngest son as a pawn, and transferred his abusive behaviour towards him.

At 12 he no longer sees his father (we went back to court). I never wanted that, and maybe it will change in time, but for now it's easier for him (and me).

I'd make the snack and include a little note for each child (nothing emotionally charged, just a little joke or drawing).

Good luck, it's just so bloody draining.

saleorbouy · 25/01/2022 00:04

Oh my.... the kids must feel so special when their parents are arguing over who's going to give them some crisps and a drink. Poor things, you'd think dad would be more excited to have them.

Notimeforaname · 25/01/2022 00:23

Dear Pathetic Loser:
I received your multiple requests that I send snacks for the children on their trip.I am sending snacks as I do not want my children going hungry.
As you can only afford 25p per day for child I understand how difficult it must be for you to feed them on their monthly visit. Next month before their visit perhaps you should take a trip to the local food bank in your town and provide them with food for the 48 hours they will be with you. Snarkily yours, ExWife

This is the best fake email I've seen on mn yet. Smile I like this 🤣

EeeICouldRipATissue · 25/01/2022 01:42

@sofiegiraffe
I'd send them with snacks regardless (whilst quietly cursing their dad for being useless), purely because I couldn't relax knowing my kids might be hungry or thirsty on a journey.
Same, would rather they be comfortable, I'd be too busy worrying otherwise!
@clymene
I'd send them with snacks and tell them their dad is too cheap to feed them
Hope this is a joke, regardless of how useless their Dad is it's not fair to drag them into it.

Original poster
FinestChicken · 25/01/2022 06:34

@saleorbouy

Oh my.... the kids must feel so special when their parents are arguing over who's going to give them some crisps and a drink. Poor things, you'd think dad would be more excited to have them.
Again - I'm not arguing, I sent him one text message suggesting that actually he ought to provide snacks since they'll be with him, I have not responded to his multiple subsequent messages. The children have no clue and I will not be making them aware though I can't control his behaviour.
OP posts: