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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should provide snacks?

258 replies

FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 15:47

Ex collecting dc for his weekend. The arrangement is we take turns in doing the journey so one time I will take them both ways, the next time he will. He sees them one weekend a month (his choice - he was offered more)

When I do the journey I deliver them to and collect them from his door. When he does I have to drop them to and collect them from the station because he doesn't drive and won't collect them from school or their club. It's annoying but I don't mind because it's easier for the children. Also I will not have him come to or near my house due to past abuse.

He is demanding that I provide them with snacks and drinks for the journey to his house. He thinks this is reasonable because I have the children most of the time so I get the child benefit etc for them. He doesn't work and has to pay for the journey to get them and bring them back. He has apparently asked 3 different people who all think it's reasonable for me to provide food for the journey and not him.

AIBU to think he's a dick?
WIBU to send the dc with no snacks?

I don't want the dc to suffer, but I also want to maintain proper boundaries because ex is a 'give and inch and he'll take a mile' kind of a guy.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/01/2022 18:36

@FinestChicken

We meet at the station where I hand the children over to him to take on train then bus to his house. I suggested that he should bring snacks for them on the journey with him and he and apparently his friends think this is unreasonable of me.

I will send them with snacks so that they aren't hungry.

You not providing them won't make him change his stance. So well done for just getting on with it.

He's an arse, but you already know that

BSideBaby · 24/01/2022 18:37

I will not have him come to or near my house due to past abuse.

Not sure I'd be wanting to send DC to stay with him (snacks or no snacks) but presumably you must trust him on some level OP? Would he really let his DC go hungry though? Maybe if you don't send snacks he'll learn to work out how to deal with these situations himself?

Nanny0gg · 24/01/2022 18:37

@AutumnAlmanack

Why on earth do children need snacks and drinks on a short car/train journey?
Aren't your kids hungry after school? Mine were always starving.
PonyPatter44 · 24/01/2022 18:37

I would just send a carton of juice and a banana each. Thats good fuel if they've just been swimming or whatever, fits the criteria of snacks, and takes one more weapon out of Dad Of The Year's arsenal.

He is a sad case, OP, but you know this. Just keep not responding to his pitiful little digs, and enjoy the peace and quiet on your one weekend a month. Kids aren't stupid - over time they will realise who is there for them and always has been.

crosbystillsandmash · 24/01/2022 18:38

My dc had to regularly travel by train with their feckless, maintenance dodging Dad.
I always sent them off with a little train bag with snacks, drinks, tissues etc

Yes, he should have done it but one thing I learnt quickly was to ignore what a huge unreasonable twat he was and do what was best for my dc!

RedCandyApple · 24/01/2022 18:38

@BSideBaby

I will not have him come to or near my house due to past abuse.

Not sure I'd be wanting to send DC to stay with him (snacks or no snacks) but presumably you must trust him on some level OP? Would he really let his DC go hungry though? Maybe if you don't send snacks he'll learn to work out how to deal with these situations himself?

She said it’s court ordered so not much of a choice on sending them
BSideBaby · 24/01/2022 18:40

She said it’s court ordered so not much of a choice on sending them

Apologies. I missed this.

ChubbyMorticia · 24/01/2022 18:41

I'd feed the kids before dropping them off.

And I'd quote the part of the court order that specifies that all expenses of visitation are to be covered by him.

My reasoning is, next he'll be demanding you pay for the train tickets, b/c he's broke and you get the child benefit.

Stick to the court order as strictly as possible.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/01/2022 18:42

There’s a difference between not squabbling in front of children and not lying. If they pipe up dad says he pays money say yes 25p a day. Even fairly small children know how much things cost eg your school lunch is £2 or a freddo is 25p in sweet shop etc.

kittensinthekitchen · 24/01/2022 18:43

@LoisLane66

Do t be ridiculous OP. They will be hungry after 2 hours? Good grief. What do they do at home, graze all the time? Breakfast lunch dinner are the only meals and maybe supper if weekend and staying up later. If they have a decent breakfast with you at say, 8am or whenever, then they don't need snacks at 10.30 or 11 o'clock. They can wait till dad does lunch fgs. Anything else is overeating and they'll end up snacking all their lives.
LOLZ

Have you ever even met a child? Grin

Georgeskitchen · 24/01/2022 18:43

He sounds a dick. Tell him tooit his hand I his pocket!!

Luredbyapomegranate · 24/01/2022 18:44

I was going to say, yes he's a dick, but life is too short, suck it up.

However, if he spent a grand on them at C'mas he must be working cash in hand, so I'd be a bit less inclined to. I doesn't sound as if he'd let them go hungry? Just moan about it? In which case let him moan.

Musicalmistress · 24/01/2022 18:44

@MayThePawsBeWithYou

YABU to send your poor children on any journey without a drink and a snack
With their father who also has responsibilities as a parent?!?
Dguu6u · 24/01/2022 18:49

Sorry you have to deal with this and the abuse in the past. You’re not unreasonable, but probably best to ignore his rant and just give snacks. Some fruit or a bag of something for each so he can’t take any for himself

PurpleNebula84 · 24/01/2022 18:49

@Baystard

Were it not for the other passengers I'd have said that this calls for some egg mayo sandwiches OP...
🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh, I'd soooo do this - and maybe some tinned salmon too 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Yes,.the passengers might suffer for that journey, but it'd be dad getting the stink eye lol 😂😂😂
Lalala1 · 24/01/2022 18:53

[quote Ponoka7]@Lalala1, yes but those payments would come to an end, CM is ongoing. It doesn't do the children any good if the nrp can't have access because there is absolutely no money left. It's part of a wider picture of women being left in the shit with children, but the ruling is proportional to income when benefits are the only source.[/quote]
Wether they come to an end or not is irrelevant if they can afford to take out a dwp loan for example and pay it back at £60/70 a month then surely the are in a position to afford more than £1 a day! Are you honestly saying you believe a NRP on benefits is fine providing £7 a week to help raise his children no matter how many that is?? Confused
No one expects a NRP on benefits to provide a huge amount or even close to the amount they morally should but £7 a week wether it’s 1 child or 10 is abhorrent imo and in this OPs situation out of that £7 he wants her to buy snacks!!

Think you should go check a benefits calculator online and pretend to be a single person and see what amount they actually get unemployed it’s not plenty but it warrants affording more than £1 a day for their kids that cms say they are only to pay! And that’s not including the ones who are on higher benefits so more money than a single able to work person or the ones that work cash in hand.

I think your views are ridiculous anyone that looks at a NRP only providing £1 a day for kid/kids because they are on benefits and thinks that’s acceptable “because they can’t afford more” is imo not thinking of the kids

willstarttomorrow · 24/01/2022 18:54

OP- I think you have already answered your own question. He is a controlling arse and this is his way of continuing to have some control and of course he is being unreasonable. I get this in my line of work all the time, a parent, sometimes both, who get fixated on 'point scoring' over tiny issues rather than working together to meet the children's needs. Unfortunately one or both will never have that level of insight and hours of my time is spent managing complaints from both sides that I favour the the other and when I am just trying to stop friction around handover etc. I am a frontline CP worker for God's sake!

It sounds like you are well aware of this and you will do the right thing. For your own mental health you need to accept he will be an arsehole about stuff like this and shrug it off as the bigger person. Of course you should not have to but it is working and getting under your skin. You will not change him and he will continue to look for things to undermine you.

Send snacks rather than indulge him with the arguement he wants, then when he complains about the clothes you send, just do not get into an arguement about it, just send which ever crazy demand it is (within reason). I know it feels like giving in and to him but he only wins when you get pissed off. It is not easy but try to adopt the mindset he is a crazy, obsessed individual and take the high road. If you really want to piss him off, a lack of reaction and him seeing you give no shits and have moved on will do it. Good luck!

Regina70 · 24/01/2022 18:54

I don't get his logic. When you drop the kids you provide drinks and snacks for the journey. When it's his turn to pick them up he needs to get organised. You are already helping by dropping them at the station for his convenience. Is he trying to get out of feeding them that night? What are the kids up to when with him for the weekend then? Do they eat? Obviously if he is struggling financially you will have to step in, poor kids can't be left hungry or thirsty but what a rubbish attitude ...

Beseen22 · 24/01/2022 19:02

I'd get that Nutella breadstick dip and go that they always end up covered in but kids love, a messy cream cake, sour cream and onion stinking pringles and milkshake without a sports cap that has to be watched the whole way on a train before the kids inevitably knock it over. Then I'd hand them it just before they got on the train and say "here you go kids, mum bought you a special treat for the train" and I wouldn't pack wipes because he didn't specifically request it or poll his loser friends to see if you should be providing it. Then I'd go home and enjoy some peace and quiet while quietly knowing the kids are buzzing that you let them eat messy stuff and he's raging because of the mess while stuck on a train. But I'm passive aggressive AF.

KurtWilde · 24/01/2022 19:03

@crosbystillsandmash

My dc had to regularly travel by train with their feckless, maintenance dodging Dad. I always sent them off with a little train bag with snacks, drinks, tissues etc

Yes, he should have done it but one thing I learnt quickly was to ignore what a huge unreasonable twat he was and do what was best for my dc!

I agree with this and have had to do the same for my DC. Exh is useless but that's not their fault. It's about them at the end to the day.
SarahBellam · 24/01/2022 19:10

Can you get them jacked up on Haribo and sherbet Dip-Dabs? Maybe a can of Red Bull each?

THIS IS A JOKE BEFORE ANYONE STARTS.

TwuntyFriend · 24/01/2022 19:10

I think you're getting unnecessary grief here OP - mainly from posters who haven't read the entire thread.

For what it's worth - you're not BU. He's an arse and a shit excuse for a Father. You're doing an amazing job with the kids and facilitating everything without letting them know what a twunt he really is.

I would provide a snack or two but purely for the kids sakes.

MzHz · 24/01/2022 19:17

Asking 3 people is bollocks, classic abuser…

ProudThrilledHappy · 24/01/2022 19:17

@SarahBellam

Can you get them jacked up on Haribo and sherbet Dip-Dabs? Maybe a can of Red Bull each?

THIS IS A JOKE BEFORE ANYONE STARTS.

Actually I think this is genius 🤣 obviously don’t do it though…
diddl · 24/01/2022 19:18

What a shame that kids have to see such fathers.

Hope they soon get wise to him & don't want to bother with him.