Who should provide snacks?

[FinestChicken]

Ex collecting dc for his weekend. The arrangement is we take turns in doing the journey so one time I will take them both ways, the next time he will. He sees them one weekend a month (his choice - he was offered more)

When I do the journey I deliver them to and collect them from his door. When he does I have to drop them to and collect them from the station because he doesn't drive and won't collect them from school or their club. It's annoying but I don't mind because it's easier for the children. Also I will not have him come to or near my house due to past abuse.

He is demanding that I provide them with snacks and drinks for the journey to his house. He thinks this is reasonable because I have the children most of the time so I get the child benefit etc for them. He doesn't work and has to pay for the journey to get them and bring them back. He has apparently asked 3 different people who all think it's reasonable for me to provide food for the journey and not him.

AIBU to think he's a dick?
WIBU to send the dc with no snacks?

I don't want the dc to suffer, but I also want to maintain proper boundaries because ex is a 'give and inch and he'll take a mile' kind of a guy.

When you’re dropping them off - you provide the snacks.
When he’s dropping them off - he provides the snacks.

Surely this is just common sense!

Does he like to play petty games to get one up on you often?

@Tillsforthrills

What’s more important? Who’s right or wrong or making the journeys pleasant for your children?

That's not fair.

@CallMeK

Yes, you are a mother and should make sure your kids have snacks and drinks ffs. This is soooo petty. I can't even believe this is a question.

Wow - he is their father and they will be with him? I mean I've already said I'll send him with something but I'm petty for asking and he's not? ok

@WonderfulYou

When you’re dropping them off - you provide the snacks. When he’s dropping them off - he provides the snacks.

Surely this is just common sense!

Does he like to play petty games to get one up on you often?

Very much so

@Clymene

I'd send them with snacks and tell them their dad is too cheap to feed them

Please don't say what *@Clymene* said OP. I am not saying that you should lie to your children and tell them how wonderful their dad is, but I think it is very important that neither parent denigrates the other. In fact when you do have an honest chance to say something good to them about their father eg that he loves them very much (hopefully), please do so. As they get older they will be able to judge for themselves just what sort of man he is, but children should always be helped to feel loved by, and incredibly important to, all the adults in their families (except in cases of abuse obviously).

Send the snacks OP, your ex is not important so who cares what he thinks, even if he thinks he has got one over on you. You know the truth, and sadly I don't think it will take your DC very long to work it out for themselves.

He sounds a right twat, well done for getting rid.

I would send them with a disposable water bottle (reusable can be £££ and I'd never get them back) and some boring fruit snacks. Nothing good that he would want to tuck into. That way the children have something if they need it and you've done your bit to make their journey better which is probably quite stressful for them if he is moaning about you to them.

Wow, he really is a stone cold loser, isn’t he?

@FinestChicken

We meet at the station where I hand the children over to him to take on train then bus to his house. I suggested that he should bring snacks for them on the journey with him and he and apparently his friends think this is unreasonable of me.

I will send them with snacks so that they aren't hungry.

You weren't being unreasonable to expect him to provide snacks for a journey HE is on with the kids, no. Can you imagine being on a journey with the children and expecting someone else to provide snacks?! If he is very poor I would help him out. He sounds like a dick though.

Poor kids. Hate seeing parent squabbles like this.

At court he was told he was responsible for costs of children while they were with him.

I would stick with this.

Another way of looking at it is - you'll give in that you provide snacks, what next.

He is controlling and abusing that, and is using kids to get to the soft spot you have - your kids not suffering.

Unless they are getting to the station hungry I would just give them water and tell him to provide food. If they are hungry for the duration of that journey is not the end of the world. They won't starve.

@FrownedUpon

Poor kids. Hate seeing parent squabbles like this.

The children are entirely unaware.

Hard boiled eggs and pickled onion monster munch would be entirely reasonable.

@Lalala1, yes but those payments would come to an end, CM is ongoing. It doesn't do the children any good if the nrp can't have access because there is absolutely no money left. It's part of a wider picture of women being left in the shit with children, but the ruling is proportional to income when benefits are the only source.

Once they are with him, he pays for their food and drink.

I wouldn’t send the snacks. He’ll moan about you whatever you do, you won’t be protecting the children from that, just playing in to his martyr complex.

But also - Unless they are really young or doing something strenuous before they get on the train, a two hour sit down journey between meals shouldn’t need snacks. That’s more about shutting them up because they’re bored on the train. He could probably do just as well with a pack of cards and an engaging attitude.

The children will only become aware if I send them with no snack and he either abused me for not providing one in front of them, or abuses me to them for not providing one, or refuses to get them something because I 'should have provided it'

None of those things would be my fault, but as I have already said I will send them with a snack for their sake. I am asking for views about this on MN precisely to avoid any 'squabble' with ex as that would be giving him what he wants.

I hate this kind of sneering response designed to make anyone posting for advice feel really small and stupid.

Sorry - that was in response to Frownedupons squabbles post

The fact he is thinking of snacks means he WILL give them snacks if you don't, OP.

Don't take on more load / mental load.

Be firm.

coodawoodashooda

Tillsforthrills
"What’s more important? Who’s right or wrong or making the journeys pleasant for your children?"

"That's not fair."

It is. The journey to their fathers is long because the OP chose to move.

They are doing a sports class beforehand so will prob be hungry.

In these circs I would stop discussing with him and do it for the kids. He sounds extremely difficult and I would stop expecting him to be a father. Send them as if you were sending them to stay with some fictional childless useless relative.

So yes, send a snack, send clothes, send everything. Do not pretend he is doing it, if he had anyself-respect he would want to do it, but he doesn't. In time they will see what is what but for now focus on reducing their stress. Bollocks to him, you're not doing it for him.

If he only manages one weekend a month as a parent I would be telling him to move his lazy arse and collect them himself whilst providing snacks.

@Ponoka7

coodawoodashooda

Tillsforthrills
"What’s more important? Who’s right or wrong or making the journeys pleasant for your children?"

"That's not fair."

It is. The journey to their fathers is long because the OP chose to move.

The OP ‘chose’ to move because her ex is abusive and unpredictable.

But sure, ignore that critical part.

Choosing to move away from an abuser isn't much of a choice.