Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should provide snacks?

258 replies

FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 15:47

Ex collecting dc for his weekend. The arrangement is we take turns in doing the journey so one time I will take them both ways, the next time he will. He sees them one weekend a month (his choice - he was offered more)

When I do the journey I deliver them to and collect them from his door. When he does I have to drop them to and collect them from the station because he doesn't drive and won't collect them from school or their club. It's annoying but I don't mind because it's easier for the children. Also I will not have him come to or near my house due to past abuse.

He is demanding that I provide them with snacks and drinks for the journey to his house. He thinks this is reasonable because I have the children most of the time so I get the child benefit etc for them. He doesn't work and has to pay for the journey to get them and bring them back. He has apparently asked 3 different people who all think it's reasonable for me to provide food for the journey and not him.

AIBU to think he's a dick?
WIBU to send the dc with no snacks?

I don't want the dc to suffer, but I also want to maintain proper boundaries because ex is a 'give and inch and he'll take a mile' kind of a guy.

OP posts:
OneSolitaryCornflake · 24/01/2022 17:20

That's not even half a pot noodle per child

ClassicsBelle · 24/01/2022 17:20

He’s not fit to be a dad. Trying to get you to provide snacks for when he has charge of them. And he doesn’t work or drive or want to see the children except one weekend a month. So everything’s on his selfish terms. I don’t think I’d trust him with the children at all considering you mentioned past abuse.

His friends are as awful as he is. He’s trying to manipulate you with the tactic “everybody agrees with me that you’re and you should or should not be doing .

Caterina99 · 24/01/2022 17:22

I’d just send them with something because pick your battles and all that. I agree you shouldn’t have to, as presumably you provide all snacks the alternate month when you drive them to his house.

I’d personally deliberately pick something cheap and boring so that my kids still whined for chocolate. Carton of supermarket juice and a banana. Done.

I wouldn’t send their actual refillable water bottles as they would never be returned!

Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 17:22

The CMS is what it is and is what he can apparently afford.
I don't really care but I do resent him telling the children that he gives me money to clothe and feed them, goes on about how his paying it means I should pay for xyz on his time, etc. I also suspect that he may be working cash in hand but I don't really give it any brain space since a I can't do anything about it. He spent about £1000 on them at Xmas and is planning several foreign holidays for them, though that may all turn out to be pie in the sky which goes poof at the crucial moment.
Obviously I never say anything negative about him to the dc, and I stand up for him when they are moaning (if they're not being reasonable in their moans - sometimes they are). I reserve my rants for private chats with my friends and family and threads on here Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 17:23

@ChargingBuck

He has apparently asked 3 different people who all think it's reasonable for me to provide food for the journey and not him.

Has he indeed.
They are probably entirely fictitious flying monkeys.
Even if they are real, I don't think you have to pay any attention to the opinions of people who are more worried about an extra £5 in a father's pocket than his responsibility to feed his own kids.

I'd probably suck it up, frankly.
Because arguing the toss is giving your ex some kind of tiny thrill, power over you, & a rope to keep pulling. So I'd drop that rope..
Possibly not without a snarky remark, but depending on circumstances, you're probably better off presenting Grey Rock face to him.

I do try to grey rock and mostly succeed. Thanks
OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 24/01/2022 17:24

"How do people not know this?" - why would they unless they were divorced / separated parents? Its so shockingly bad that people with no experience probably don't imagine for a moment that that can be right. It may be legal to pay £7 but there's a massive difference between legal and right. The OP hasn't mentioned disability or caring responsibilities for anyone else so why the fuck ISN'T he working and providing some sort of sensible maintenance. As with so many things, the OP will likely suck it up and do what he wants so that the kids don't go without and he "wins". And yes it sounds petty but when you have lived this shit and you do basically all of the parenting and then you still have to do it on their time, it stings.

trunktoes · 24/01/2022 17:25

Well if you are putting them in the train you do the snacks and vice Versa but seems a bit of a big deal over a few snacks

cherryonthecakes · 24/01/2022 17:26

@OneSolitaryCornflake £7 for all children

Toanewstart22 · 24/01/2022 17:26

How old are the children?

RedCandyApple · 24/01/2022 17:26

£7 a week no matter how many kids it's for? Or £7 per child?

No £7 a week no matter how many children they have. £7 for all of the children not each, i was “awarded” the same from my ex and also have 4 children.

Lalala1 · 24/01/2022 17:27

[quote Ponoka7]@saraclara, cm is taken as a percentage. If he's on benefits, then that what he can afford.[/quote]
Cm isn’t taken as a percentage if he’s in benefits it’s £7 a week total! regardless of how many children and “that’s what he can afford” are u serious?Shock the amount for a nrp on benefits is disgraceful! The DWP take more off their benefits for advance payments or council tax arrears monthly than they do for their children! That can definitely afford more than £1 a day!

Sorry OP went off topic Grin but it really pppps me comments like this

cherryonthecakes · 24/01/2022 17:27

I mean £7 is the total payable regardless of how many kids and mothers.

XmasElf10 · 24/01/2022 17:27

Morally he should but I’d imagine in reality it’s you or no one. I’d provide the snacks because I wouldn’t want my kids to be hungry but I’d stick a few more pins in his voodoo doll whilst I was at it!

MangoBiscuit · 24/01/2022 17:27

He is, of course, responsible for providing food while they are in his care, so he is being a dick to expect it.

However, as many other posters have pointed out, it's not worth the aggro, especially because he's a dick. Could you possibly find out his LEAST favourite biscuits, or anything that he absolutely will not eat, hated crisp flavours maybe? and send those?

So yeah, I would send snacks, but I would probably be a little petty about it, and give myself a laugh. Grin

cstaff · 24/01/2022 17:28

So basically he is asking you to pay back what he has given you in child maintenance. Fuck me.... he really is a tight ass git. It is good that you can just brush it off. Otherwise that would just mess with your head completely.

Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 17:28

@trunktoes

Well if you are putting them in the train you do the snacks and vice Versa but seems a bit of a big deal over a few snacks
I mean - it's not really a big deal. I sent him a text saying he could bring snacks for them and he's sent multiple texts telling me why I ought to provide them. I haven't responded and have asked on here. I've not made a big deal about it, just asked for advice/opinions.
OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 24/01/2022 17:29

Who moved to be 2hrs away from their main base?

If someone with parental rights decides to move so far from their kids it's up to them to facilitate contact and all that entails.

That said, I would have sent them with a snack anyway, so would not be in the position of it being argued over. It's a small snack for 1 journey a month.

Heartofglass12345 · 24/01/2022 17:29

Yeah I bet his friends think it's you who should be providing the snacks if they're anything like him. He is a useless dad and the kids will realise that when they are old enough. It's so shit that you're meant to facilitate everything while he gets to play the doting father once a month(!!!!)
He needs to bloody bring something with him to give them on the train!

saraclara · 24/01/2022 17:32

@RedCandyApple

of course it’s legal, if he doesn’t work it’s £7 per week how do people not know this?
How WOULD people know this if they've never had any involvement with them (or know anyone who has)?
Wiredforsound · 24/01/2022 17:32

Can you give them something they like but he hates the smell of, just for kicks? Something like marmite sandwiches and celery? I’d love that, but my DP would spend a train journey gagging if he had to sit next to me eating that!

Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 17:33

@TheOrigRights

Who moved to be 2hrs away from their main base?

If someone with parental rights decides to move so far from their kids it's up to them to facilitate contact and all that entails.

That said, I would have sent them with a snack anyway, so would not be in the position of it being argued over. It's a small snack for 1 journey a month.

I haven't not sent them with a snack - this is the first time he will collect them. I have always delivered them before. He demanded that I bring snacks - I said he should, and he has sent multiple messages telling me why I need to, not him.

I moved because he was a violent abusive arse and it was best for the children. Court have agreed that moving was reasonable and that he is entirely responsible for all costs of contact on his time.

OP posts:
Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 17:34

@Wiredforsound

Can you give them something they like but he hates the smell of, just for kicks? Something like marmite sandwiches and celery? I’d love that, but my DP would spend a train journey gagging if he had to sit next to me eating that!
Ha ha - he does hate marmite but sadly the dc wouldn't enjoy marmite sandwiches. Also I don't hate the other people in the train...
OP posts:
KittyTail · 24/01/2022 17:36

Well, isn’t he the last of the big spenders? I wouldn’t engage in this conversation with him at all. Once you hand your children over to him at the station, they’re in his care and they’re his responsibility.

quiteathome · 24/01/2022 17:36

He sounds useless. And from what you have said you are not being unreasonable.

However I would probably just provide some fruit and water and possibly a cereal bar or similar- and just ignore it for now. Just to make the kids lives easier.

ChargingBuck · 24/01/2022 17:37

I don't really care but I do resent him telling the children that he gives me money to clothe and feed them, goes on about how his paying it means I should pay for xyz on his time, etc.

That is hard to take OP.

Depending on when you feel it is age-appropriate, you can counter this manipulative, self-serving bullshit though.

So long as you keep a neutral, factual breezy tone, you could just 'confirm' it back to the DC. "Yes, just like daddy says, he gives mummy money for you, it's £7 every week."

If you feel this could be done judiciously, it would let them work it out for themselves, at their own pace.
Flowers