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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should provide snacks?

258 replies

FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 15:47

Ex collecting dc for his weekend. The arrangement is we take turns in doing the journey so one time I will take them both ways, the next time he will. He sees them one weekend a month (his choice - he was offered more)

When I do the journey I deliver them to and collect them from his door. When he does I have to drop them to and collect them from the station because he doesn't drive and won't collect them from school or their club. It's annoying but I don't mind because it's easier for the children. Also I will not have him come to or near my house due to past abuse.

He is demanding that I provide them with snacks and drinks for the journey to his house. He thinks this is reasonable because I have the children most of the time so I get the child benefit etc for them. He doesn't work and has to pay for the journey to get them and bring them back. He has apparently asked 3 different people who all think it's reasonable for me to provide food for the journey and not him.

AIBU to think he's a dick?
WIBU to send the dc with no snacks?

I don't want the dc to suffer, but I also want to maintain proper boundaries because ex is a 'give and inch and he'll take a mile' kind of a guy.

OP posts:
educatingrati · 24/01/2022 17:04

Personally if the children are leaving my home I'd do them a snack and a drink. I would expect it to be reciprocal, and for him to send them back with a snack and a drink.

Caveat it depends on total length of journey from leaving house A to arriving at house B. A journey under 90 mins I wouldn't have thought they'd need anything unless a very hot day, and then I'd send water. Longer that 90 mins yes a bit of fruit and a drink.

Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 17:04

At court he was told he was responsible for costs of children while they were with him. I did choose to move away because I had a restraining order against him at that time. I needed to be far enough away that he couldn't get to me without significant effort. He is better in that respect now.

Thinking about it, a longish time ago he came to my town to take dc to an event and complained about the cost of said event and complained that I hadn't contributed to the cost of it (he chose to take them) and requested I provide packed lunches for dc because event was so expensive. I did so 'for the dc' and then he turned up with huge amounts of unhealthy shite and the packed lunches came back untouched.

I think it's about control and I suspect that he will end up bringing 'superior snacks'. I'll send them with some fruit 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 24/01/2022 17:04

@Marmelace It was a question for the OP who can choose to ignore it if she wishes.

Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 17:05

@greyspottedgoose

So does he provide snacks for the car journey home when you collect them?
No 😂😂😂
OP posts:
hibbledibble · 24/01/2022 17:05

He should provide snacks for his contact time, but in the interest of keeping peace, and not leaving the children hungry, then it would be prudent to provide something.

Marmelace · 24/01/2022 17:06

[quote LizzieMacQueen]@Marmelace It was a question for the OP who can choose to ignore it if she wishes. [/quote]
Still small minded and idiotic though!

Original poster
FinestChicken · 24/01/2022 17:07

He pays £1 per day cms - for 4 dc. 25p each per day.

OP posts:
saraclara · 24/01/2022 17:10

@FinestChicken

He pays £1 per day cms - for 4 dc. 25p each per day.
Goood grief.

I honestly don't understand how this sort of thing can come about. Fortunately I've had no need to have anything to do with the CMS, but seriously. I just don't understand this.

ElftonWednesday · 24/01/2022 17:10

What he contributes barely pays for a snack, does it?

He should buy them on the way, but if he is unlikely to I'd send them with snacks to be on the safe side, annoying as that is.

Ponoka7 · 24/01/2022 17:11

Usually the person who decided to move, soaks up the costs of contact happening. You should be providing the snacks and not look for pettiness. Is he genuinely out of work and struggling financially?

AcrossthePond55 · 24/01/2022 17:11

Since he's a 'take a mile' type, I'd probably time a meal or a good-sized snack for just before handing them over for the journey to his house. That way they won't get hungry and you aren't technically 'complying' with his demands.

If it's just that he'll complain to them that you didn't provide them with a snack, let him. I'd tell the DC that providing snacks is the job of the parent who has the children at the time. When they're with you, you provide food. When they're with him, he provides food.

Dixiechickonhols · 24/01/2022 17:11

When they are in his care he should provide for their needs inc food and drink.
Like you say he could bring a snack and drink for them. He sounds an absolute idiot. You think he’d want to get them something nice if he only sees them once a month. As though child benefit is feeding and clothing them.
I’d probably provide something if you know he won’t so they don’t suffer but keep record of his messages in case you need it for court.
On a positive spin at least he’s not giving them loads of sugary junk.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 24/01/2022 17:11

@FinestChicken

He pays £1 per day cms - for 4 dc. 25p each per day.
How is that even legal
Ponoka7 · 24/01/2022 17:12

@saraclara, cm is taken as a percentage. If he's on benefits, then that what he can afford.

ProudThrilledHappy · 24/01/2022 17:12

@FinestChicken

He pays £1 per day cms - for 4 dc. 25p each per day.
He sounds like a prince among men OP. Everytime he asks these ridiculous things of you it must just break your heart that you are not together anymore Grin On a serious note take the moral high ground and take comfort that as the kids get older they will probably see more and more how feckless he is in comparison with you.
nitsandwormsdodger · 24/01/2022 17:12

If you don’t want to give in to abusive man could you stop at macdonalds and make sure they are feed and have bottle of water

Thighdentitycrisis · 24/01/2022 17:13

My absent parent asked for money for food when I went to stay after not seeing them for over 5 years!

I found out when I read letters saved by my resident parent after they died. It still bothers me today

I would feed them before they go in your situation

LizzieMacQueen · 24/01/2022 17:14

@Marmelace Fucks sake, I was commenting that in similar circumstances this is exactly what happened. Court ordered. So I thought it may be useful to the OP or indeed anyone reading the thread.

Marmelace · 24/01/2022 17:15

[quote LizzieMacQueen]**@Marmelace* Fucks sake, I was commenting that in similar circumstances this is exactly* what happened. Court ordered. So I thought it may be useful to the OP or indeed anyone reading the thread. [/quote]
OK, if you say so.

LuaDipa · 24/01/2022 17:16

Yanbu but I would do as you have suggested and send snacks, only so the kids don’t have to deal with his complaining.

I’d also be tempted to ask if his friends are also feckless fathers that only provide the bare minimum for their children. I’d also tell him that you have done a similar survey with your Mumsnet friends and we all think he’s a twat who should be ashamed to make such a ridiculous request.

itwasntaparty · 24/01/2022 17:16

25p a day?! Fucking hell I'm speechless, somehow that is almost worse than nothing.

RedCandyApple · 24/01/2022 17:16

of course it’s legal, if he doesn’t work it’s £7 per week how do people not know this?

ChargingBuck · 24/01/2022 17:19

He has apparently asked 3 different people who all think it's reasonable for me to provide food for the journey and not him.

Has he indeed.
They are probably entirely fictitious flying monkeys.
Even if they are real, I don't think you have to pay any attention to the opinions of people who are more worried about an extra £5 in a father's pocket than his responsibility to feed his own kids.

I'd probably suck it up, frankly.
Because arguing the toss is giving your ex some kind of tiny thrill, power over you, & a rope to keep pulling. So I'd drop that rope..
Possibly not without a snarky remark, but depending on circumstances, you're probably better off presenting Grey Rock face to him.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 24/01/2022 17:20

@RedCandyApple

of course it’s legal, if he doesn’t work it’s £7 per week how do people not know this?
£7 a week no matter how many kids it's for? Or £7 per child?
cherryonthecakes · 24/01/2022 17:20

CM is for when the kids are with you. He should be paying for everything during his time in top. His friends say that he isn't being unreasonable because they speak to him face to face and may believe that you're one of those single mothers taking it in from maintenance and benefits 😂

I would pack some water and snacks so the kids aren't hungry and thirsty but he should be providing this. How hard is it to add a few extras to your shopping for the journey? The bar is way too low for non resident parents