Family staying after new baby

[Carey55]

Just had DD (3 weeks old) DS is 3. In laws coming to stay for two weeks, I think this is too long and would prefer a week or at most 10 days. My hormones are all over the place so quite prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable.

Not unreasonable
Completely unacceptable - unless they are both totally saintly , was your ask and they are travelling half the world on foot to get to you . Even then.....
who had this idea ?
what on earth are they going to do ?
what about your family?
have they any clue about a small baby ?

You just talk to your DH and set some boundaries . Unless you happen to have a vast house they should stay only a few nights and then decamp somewhere else . Also they need to be prepared to take themselves off for day trips and for lunches and dinners out , shop and cook for you and behave like absent house guests ...
it isn’t a good idea . They should wait at least a month before visiting unless they can do it for a couple of hours

Loads of guests or any guest with a newborn? Sheer hell! Put your foot down, OP. You're just adjusting to your new bigger family'

Has dh booked the time off work…or does he simply leave his parents with you and bugger off every day?

It depends. If you want them to stay its a great thing. If you don't then its a cumbersome hindrance. You are not being unreasonable if you don't want them to stay for 2 weeks.

After my first I didn't want anyone staying in the house and guests had to stay in hotels.

After my second I invited my MIL to stay for a 3 weeks to help me out. I'd had a section and DH had to be away from home.

My god, you are a saint to even think about 7-10 days, I would start getting hives at the thought. It’s unreasonable of them to expect to stay for that long, even without a baby.

My in-laws invited themselves to ours for Christmas when DS18 was born. They were excited as it was first DGC but instead of the 2 days we agreed to they arrived the day I came home from hospital (22nd) and stayed until after the new year. I was in tears the whole time as I had stitches and was in a lot of pain. Then on Boxing Day FIL took it upon himself to invite his brother, SIL, nephew and nephew’s girlfriend round - I had never even met any of them before. As a first time mum I was struggling to breastfeed as FIL was super proud of the fact he could put DS to sleep, so my boobs were full to burst. I was so furious that they hijacked my and DP’s bonding time, that when DS2 arrived DP was told that if his parents arrived me and the kids were going to stay with my mum.

Just say No

If you can’t get out of it, prepare, prepare, prepare. Give them a list of jobs and keep them working the whole time. “I’m so glad you’re here. I really need the helpa” - shopping, laundry, vacuuming, making meals and cleaning up. That’s why they’re there.

Who, just who, thinks it’s appropriate to spend that long with a new baby in the house?

Just say No, I made the mistake of having inlaws stay when I had Ds2 - nearly broke me - I felt so awful with hormone swings that I serously considered calling the Samaritans. Get them to stay in a hotel, b+b, if they must stay just a few days and preplan lots of reasons for them to go out. You need to be able to slob on the sofa, hold your baby without having to talk or do anything else for anybody else (except perhaps other DC).

I recently had DS. My biggest regret is that I had so many visitors staying . My DH whilst lovely had no idea how much stress it caused me . Thinking about it now I had a c- section and I was back home 3 days later feeling I had to be up abs dressed and checking we had clean towels/ stocked fridge / was everyone happy / etc . I look back now ( DS is 12 weeks ) and I honestly think I was running on pure adrenaline . For the first 4 weeks I didn’t feel I got to just lay around and stare at my gorgeous baby . I was delighted when everyone packed up and left . No offence , but I wasn’t ready for it and it was too much .
I’ve already decided that next time , people may come for a visit a week after baby is born or if they want to stay over due to having to travel they can stay in a hotel
And pop back the next day. Then I will be having 2 weeks peace .

Thinking back now it was ridiculous. My baby was passed from aunt to aunt to uncle , 7 cousins , step children , my parents , parents in law etc . The birth was during a half term so everyone just came at once . Never again !

I was afraid of appearing rude but now I would confidently explain that I need time as a family unit to bond and for me to recover. Also with c circus it is way too risky.

Good luck xxx

You're upset because it's an awful prospect. Not because of your hormones.

Meh. My MIL, with whom I didn't get on particularly and spoke no English, arrived the day I got home from hospital with DC3. She stayed for 2 weeks. It was fine. She helped out and I didn't care whether she thought the house was well-kept etc or not. I sometimes think people on here think the world has to stop when you give birth.

Your husband doesn't get a say at all, he hasn't just carried and birthed a baby.
It's your decision.
I understand that having your own mother there is completely different from an IL for most mothers and everyone should understand and respect that.
I second everyone saying if they live far away they need to get an airbnb/local premier Inn and they need to ask each day that they are due to visit if its still OK or if you'd prefer to rest unless they are going to take baby for a walk in the pram or do some housework.
Why do so many people have unwanted visitors after the birth? I would never impose on new parents it's time for them to find their feet as a family of 3, 4 or more!

No no no no and no!

Lol, they wouldn’t be allowed for a night at my house. Put yourself first op, and do not feel bad

@FinallyFluid

Mine came for a month, yes you heard that a month, never lifted finger and when the tension started to build went home, (not before the month was up, whatever would people think) and told my brother that they didn't feel very welcome.

My heart had failed postpartum, following a few days of investigations and in the space of an hour three consultants came into my room, told me it was permanent, that I would be on life long medication and by the way you can't have anymore children.

And they didn't feel welcome. >

Do yourself a favour and say no.

Oh my days, that's shocking all round. Hope you're ok now x

Why do they even want to stay for a fortnight? Who wants to stay a fortnight in someone else's house?

Unless they live on another continent it is very unreasonable to expect to stay in someone else's home for that long unless you are exceptionally close and all really want to be together. To do so when someone has just given birth is ridiculous. Three or four nights max, then show them the door OP!

The OP clearly says she think it’s too long, so all the posts saying how great it was whether mum/dad/whoever stayed are pointless.

I think you need to tell your dh they’ll have to stay in an Airbnb or hotel, @Carey55. Whose bonkers idea was it?

Tell them you are not ready for visitors yet and you’ll let them know when you are. YRNBU

This thread has made me feel vindicated.

My baby is due in mid-June and my parents want to travel and stay at my house for THREE WEEKS in July. I do live overseas so I know they can’t pop over for a weekend but I really really want some time with just me, baby and husband.

When I balked at the idea, they looked really hurt and made me feel like a right cow. Proper guilt trip.

As an added sting - my husband is currently deployed with the military and will miss almost the entire pregnancy. We need time without other people. I hate that I’ve been put in this situation of either hurting their feelings or putting up with a situation I’m really not comfortable with.

OP I really feel for you!

" I hate that I’ve been put in this situation of either hurting their feelings or putting up with a situation I’m really not comfortable with"

Do not put their feelings above your own.

If you can't put yourself first when you've just had a baby then when the hell can you?

I'm sure as your parents they probably think that they won't be in the way in fact will be helpful & watch baby so that you can shower etc, but it's not about that is it?

But tbh I think most of us manage to get up & shower with a newborn.

Even do the odd bit of housework!

I just wanted to be able to do what I wanted at my own pace & not have to think about anyone else.

Establish breastfeeding without thinking might someone else walk in.

Just be able to think of me & what I wanted to do & how & when.

It's obviously hard as they need to stay-but trying to make you feel guilty-that's awful & would really make me dig my heels in.

You are about to become parents-that's what's happening.

It happens to make them Grandparents-but that's not the main event here!

Good Lord 2wks is way too long. 1 week absolute max

It is immaterial what your husband thinks. He won't be a few weeks post partum - and I assume he'll actually not be there in the day times as he'll be back at work, so it would just be you and them for hours and hours for days and days? Just say no. It's a massive risk for postnatal depression, aside from anything else. "No, I don't want to host your parents for a fortnight. Not ever, actually, but especially not when I'm still trying to get to grips with a newborn. I'm willing to have them here for XYZ."

Any updates OP?

I 100% would not allow this to happen.

Put your foot down and tell your partner you are not ready for visitors or people to stay over. I can only imagine how stressful it would be having people in your house with a new baby. No time or space to get to know your newborn.

Obviously I can't speak for you, but I didn't bond with my eldest and I think a large part of this is because we spent the entire first 3 weeks of her life with visitors over all day, every day. I couldn't get to know her & it affected my breastfeeding and also my confidence with her.

I would speak up now. Or they can book a hotel or somewhere else to stay. It is absolutely not fair on you at all.

Two weeks is a very long time to have house guests. Will they muck in and help with food shopping, cooking, cleaning and ironing. Or are they expecting to be "guests" and cuddle the baby and you do all the housework?
I'd want a max stay of 3-4 days. Make your husband explain to them that it's too much at the moment