Family staying after new baby

[Carey55]

Just had DD (3 weeks old) DS is 3. In laws coming to stay for two weeks, I think this is too long and would prefer a week or at most 10 days. My hormones are all over the place so quite prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable.

My PIL stayed for weekends every 5 weeks or so but in a B&B as we were always treated like guests at their house. My Mum on the other hand would come and stay at ours but she was a roll her sleeves up, make you a cup of tea, put your laundry on, take the toddler to the park type of person. Huge difference.

YANBU - as the person who's just given birth, it's entirely YOUR call who comes to stay, and for how long. Your DH has to respect your wishes on this.

Whether or not women want family staying so soon after the birth is an entirely personal preference that;s so dependent on circumstances - mainly, how well you get on with them and whether they'll be helpful (or a liability).

My mum and dad cam to stay for 3 weeks not long after my son was born - but they live a 12 hour flight away, and were incredibly helpful and supportive... took care of the cooking, cleaning and washing. DH had just returned to work after paternity leave and I was very grateful to have company in the house and be waited on hand and foot.

Anyone less helpful would not have been welcome!

This is a recipe for disaster.

I genuinely don't understand people who think it's a good idea, to stay for two weeks, when there's a new baby. Who will be doing the preparation for their stay? Will they be sitting back, expecting everything done for them?
If 'hubby' thinks it's great, is he going to be there with them?

Regardless, it's not a good idea. Surely it's a time when you need to be able to rest and relax, insofar as possible, with a new baby and an older child.

You couldn’t be being less unreasonable!

I credit - at least in part - the visit we had from my in-laws when my oldest was three weeks old for the fact I developed crushing PND and PNA. I had serious birth injuries and was struggling with BFing and bonding - and we were taking them out to National Trust properties so they were entertained, my DH was cooking three course meals for them, I couldn’t breastfeed in the same room as them, my MIL kept giving unwanted and plain stupid advice (like telling me the safe sleep guidelines were nonsense and I should put the baby to sleep on his front)… it was horrendous.

If you aren’t comfortable with it, stand your ground.

YANBU. Like PP say, it depends how they make you feel and how much they muck in.
Having said that, my parents and in-laws live hrs away too but always stayed in B&Bs when the DC were born. They would come over during the day. MIL was brilliant at helping out, shopping, housework, minding older DC.

You need to speak to your partner and get him on board. Good luck!

Only permit this if your inlaws will be extremely helpful and don't have to be asked to do stuff. And if you are happy to be looking far from your best around them and are also happy to have your breasts out (assuming breastfeeding) in front of them. Otherwise, no they have to stay elsewhere and that will be a shorter stay most likely, because they'll be paying for their accommodation.

YANBU. In between recovering, feeding, health visitor/checks. It will be all too much.

Absolutely not on.

Jeezo, no way. Even a week is too long. If they are coming from far away and must make it worth it, they can get a hotel. Put your foot down on this one right now

Hotel.

And ring before they rock up on any given day.

And take your toddler to the park/dog walk/anywhere every afternoon.

And organise a takeaway for dinner.

YANBU. A couple of nights at most.

My parents are local

Well that's lucky - you can go there to get some peace and quiet.

Is your DH having 2 wks off work to entertain his family?

@Carey55

Thanks. DD will be 6 weeks when they arrive. Hubby thinks it will be great. I’m feeling very emotional about it all. My parents stayed for a few days but they were looking after our toddler whilst I was having DD. My parents are local, hubby’s are 6 hours away.

Is your hubby taking the two weeks off to look after them , since he thinks it’s great ?

And He will be doing the shopping / cooking / washing / cleaning for that two weeks ?

And he won’t complain if you are up in your bedroom / in the bath / visiting your mum etc for some of that time? Because he doesn’t get to decide what’s “ great “ for you.

I've noticed in a lot of threads like these, the DH has decided in their wisdom to invite people to stay and thinks that because the invitation has already been issued, it can't be withdrawn or altered in any way.

It most certainly can and by you if DH is mealy mouthed about it.

There may be wittering about how offended everyone will be and so now you have to just put up with it. But consider how offended you are by them deciding they can just come and do this without even asking you.

Tell them unapologetically that you've thought about this proposal and it doesn't suit you, but they are welcome to do xyz (what ever compromise you think you can live with) I say this as someone who had difficult births and difficult inconsiderate relatives and wished there was someone to tell me this.

I can't tolerate any houseguests for longer than two nights - it doesn't matter how much I like them.

Unless you live in a large house, that can very comfortably entertain guests, and your PIL will be a real help (physically and emotionally) there there is absolutely no way I would entertain this.

I think it's alot, when I've visited my kids when there have been new GC I stay in a hotel as I think it gives everyone a bit of space. Two weeks is long even if you're in a hotel but maybe with a six hour journey they think it isn't worth it for a short visit.

Have you even got enough room that it is workable?

Depends on the distance, my parents came for 2 weeks but it was intercontinental

Are they coming to help or do they expect to be waited on?

MIL came for a week when DD was born, but she cooked and cleaned and was very supportive and helpful.

Two weeks because they live six hours away? NO FUCKING WAY.

Honestly I would say two nights maximum, and they can go to a hotel for the rest of it. I think you should get total control over who you have in your home for at least the first month.

Congratulations!

Two weeks is too long even if they do tons of babysitting and cooking. One week with you and one in an Airbnb would be a good compromise. Do they even want two weeks with two little ones? I know my DM gets stressed by my nephew and niece after a week (baby and 3 year old).

It should be entirely about what you want and/or need at this point. You can't be unreasonable in this, even if you only wanted them there for half an hour. That's your choice when you've just had a baby.

I had my inlaws here for 2 weeks a few weeks after DS was born but that was because I was happy to have them here. DH was off to keep FIL entertained and MIL would happily run around like a headless chicken to make sure me and DS were pampered to within an inch of our lives, without being pushy! But that's me. If you feel differently then what you say goes.

We had my MiL for two weeks after baby 2 but she was helpful and a welcome additional adult to run around after the toddler. It should be your decision.

OMG, I wouldn't even want my own family staying that long, let alone in-laws just after you've given birth! If you feel it's too long, then it's too long. Presumably they are coming to "help" you, so they should be understanding and fine if you tell them, e.g., actually, I would love you to come, but let's make it a week.

A weekend is plenty at that time. If in a hotel then a four day weekend. A week is a long time, a fortnight is insane.

A week ? You’ve just had a baby they shouldn’t be staying at all and if they have to I would say two days maximum.