Family staying after new baby

[Carey55]

Just had DD (3 weeks old) DS is 3. In laws coming to stay for two weeks, I think this is too long and would prefer a week or at most 10 days. My hormones are all over the place so quite prepared to be told I’m being unreasonable.

Absolutely not the time for guests.

Of course you are not in a position to be providing a hotel service when you have Just Had A Baby.
Is your DH a complete fuckwit? Perhaps explain it so A Man can understand.
Ask DH if he had just pushed the baby out through his knob and then needed to get his balls out all the time to feed his baby and was constantly leaking shit uncontrollably through his bum hole, how would he feel about YOUR parents coming to stay for 2 weeks, oh and you'll be at work.....

Well good luck with this!
I hope they are helpful PILs hands on DGPs who respect your wishes

I can't help but think "nooooo not 2 weeks!" Can they not book alternative Accomodation and stay a couple nights only with you?

Your DP isn't the one that will be home with them.
I would never invite myself for two weeks to my adult DCs place. Certainly not after a baby. I would ask and listen to any future DGC's mum what she thinks would help.

So many of us are at this.

If you don't want it then please speak up!! It's precious time bonding with baby and introducing baby into new family so everything needs to be about what you feel is helpful or not.

Oh Christ no!

MN needs a YADDDDDDDNBU button just for this!

But congrats on the new arrival

one night would be too much for me.

and I really like my husband's family.

he needs to understand your point of view

I would have loved help as had no one at all - apart from DH who was out a lot- but up to you.

This is essential parents/baby bonding time, and it's private. You need quiet, peaceful, relaxed time together for the attachment to develop, not to be distracted by feeling the need to host guests and have your attention split. Plus you're still healing, your hormones need to settle, routines need to grow. This is private time - they should respect that. They may say they're coming to help - but you're already agitated by the idea, which isn't ideal ...

They are only 6 hours away - why do they need to come for a fortnight? Are they likely to be helpful guests, who want to genuinely roll their sleeves up and assist, by taking your toddler out, and helping with the cooking? Or are they the type of guests who think they are helping by hogging the baby all day whilst you run round making them food and drinks and scrubbing the house?

Will your H be at home throughout this period of them being there? Or is he going to disappear off to work every day, leaving you at home with the ILs?

As someone who has a 4 week old baby I’m just shouting this so it’s crystal clear that YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT BEING UNREASONABLE

@Clarkey86

As someone who has a 4 week old baby I’m just shouting this so it’s crystal clear that YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT BEING UNREASONABLE

I’m jealous. My youngest baby is 14.

Depends... Where are they coming from and when? My in-laws stayed with us for 2 weeks when our first was 5 weeks poles and it was awesome to have them around so I could offload and sleep/shower. I generally fed in the other room or under a feeding blanket and because I wasn't tied to her 24/7 I was less stressed and well rested to get my through the next leg. Just another perspective on it

Hell no!!

Put your foot down and say no. If they want to visit and see the baby they can stay at a hotel.

Your husbands being a dick here.

Well if dh thinks it'll be great he can run round after them, making food, washing up, food shopping, making beds etc. it's a hard no for 2 weeks for me.

I could maybe cope with a week if they would genuinely help, like looking after the toddler, cooking and clearing up after themselves, but if they expected to be guests then dh would have to seriously pitch in and they'd have to stay in a hotel

Dear god no. We had relatives who wanted to stay for a couple of nights when DD2 would have been 6 weeks old. We said no, sorry, and they stayed in an airbnb down the road. It was fine and much less stressful. A 2 week stay seems a bit much even when you haven't just given birth. I can't believe anyone thought this was a good idea.

It totally depends on the type of people they are surely?

We live overseas so had a stream of visitors for 2 weeks at a time after DSs were born but my parents and in laws are magic.
Helpful, kind, did everything around the house I didn't know I wanted them to do, made me endless cups of tea and toast, cakes, walked the dogs, bought the shopping and made dinners, kept us stocked in wine/beer, cooed at the baby whilst I showered, and so on.

I never felt like they were intruding but then they are kind helpful people (and we had the space).

If they're not like that then they should definitely stay in a local premier inn and give you the space you need. You definitely SHOULD NOT be rushing to be the "host". Youre recovering from birthing a human and should be relaxing and recovering, not dicking around trying to accommodate them and their daily requirements.

No bloody way. You need to say 'NO' very firmly. Your DH has no clue whatsoever. I would be apoplectic with rage if my DH did this to me.

When I had my 2nd DC, my DP (who live 4 hours away) stayed in a B&B around the corner for about 4 days.
They usually stay with us when they come down but even they had the emotional intelligence to stay in a B&B with a young baby.

"Hubby thinks it will be great."

Course he does!

They are only 6hrs away-2/3 nights would be fine.

2weeks-I thought that they must be flying in from somewhere!

Will your DP be at home all the time they are visiting?

Willhe be cooking, cleaning, making cups of tea, amusing them while they are visiting?

Will he make sure you get uninterupted time to feed, sleep, chill out with your new child while they are visiting?

Will he make sure you don't feel as though your home has been intruded upon whilst they are visiting?

Will he put your comfort, your newborn child, first whilst they are visiting?

If the answer to any of those is no, then he needs to have a rethink and quickly!

That’s too long even without a baby in the picture in my view! I wouldn’t have coped with this when I had a new baby, let alone a toddler and a new baby. I actually can’t believe anyone would be so clueless as to even suggest staying with someone who’s just had a baby. Just so bizarre.

Threads like this make me realise how lucky I am to have both a DM and a MIL who waited on me hand and foot after my kids were born. Both live some distance away and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to tell them they couldn’t visit when the babies were born. Thankfully they made themselves useful!

OP context is everything. If you think they will help look after you, keep your toddler entertained, keep you fed and watered, etc and generally make life easier then say yes. If not, then say no.

I disagree about people staying in a hotel, for me it makes things harder. Always wondering what time guests will appear, are they staying for dinner or not, they feel like a guest rather than family so make themselves less at home and therefore more hard work for hosting. But I appreciate others feel differently and it’s so dependent on the characters of the individuals.

My PIL's arrived to stay within 24 hours of 2 of my 3 being born. It didn't bother me. They were excited and I get on well enough with them. It was nice for the other children to have some attention too, as I was rather preoccupied with the baby. I have never understood babymoons and the like. I've always agreed with the philosophy that it takes a village etc.

However, if you aren't comfortable with it, or if you just feel it's too long, it is entirely your prerogative to speak out now. Far better to be honest than to feel resentful and invaded at such a vulnerable and emotional time. Perhaps the arrangement could be flexible, depending on how the birth goes and how you feel?

@Carey55

Thanks. DD will be 6 weeks when they arrive. Hubby thinks it will be great. I’m feeling very emotional about it all. My parents stayed for a few days but they were looking after our toddler whilst I was having DD. My parents are local, hubby’s are 6 hours away.

Will he be entertaining them?

Will they be any help at all?

You YANBU. They are!! Totally and utterly unreasonable for anyone to expect to stay for one night without your wholehearted blessing but 2 weeks!! I'm angry FOR you! Your DH should recognise what you have been through and nip this in the bud. You need time to recover physically and emotionally. The last thing you need if houseguests. Unbelievably selfish and inconsiderate. Sending hugs

I wouldn't like it but if they are coming to help you, ie housework, shopping, cooking, it might be worth it to give you a break.

When our kids were born we lived on one of the Scottish islands. Quickest way is to fly, for mu mum and mil it was 2 flights.

When I had dd1, we got home from hospital on Wednesday and my parents (dad and stepmum) arrived on Friday night for the weekend. I wanted my dad to be the first to meet baby as he brought me up, and my lovely stepmum. They could only stay 3 nights due to work, and they were awesome when they were there.

My mum came for a week after that and cleaned the house top to bottom (which made me feel a bit inadequate but hey, the house was clean!). I didn't even have to make a drink. Dh went to work while she was with us. Then mil came for a week (we genuinely had no gaps!) and she did prioritise holding dd1 "for me" over other things, but she did cook and she took dd in the night for a bit so o could sleep (I was ebf but baby was snuffling in her cot and keeping me awake!).

I think if people are coming to help - and really are going to muck in and really help - then it's ok. We were lucky with our parents, though mil was a bit miffed she was last to come. She came first 2 years later when ds was born.