DH work issue

[MaybeIABU]

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

@MaybeIABU

Just to be clear, this is an 8 week project so 8 Sundays in a row.

With covid restrictions etc. we are sort of limited to what else we could do but if it was a one-off I would arrange something.

We have eFibre so our broadband can't really be upgraded to any better!

What project is your dp working on ?

@YukoandHiro

YABU. Take the kids out or dinner or a film. Or encourage everyone to have some reading time. Your phones have 4G don't they? DC can use that if they're having a tantrum about connectability

Every week? Even 'nice' things like dinner, a film or quiet time are not that nice if they're your only option. And going out will get expensive over eight weeks.

It does sound like you mainly have a broadband issue tbh - or is he always this stressed about work?

Just to reiterate, this really isn't about the broadband. It's fine. DH just gets stressed about the WHAT IFs to the point we're at now, he insists everything is disconnect just in case I know this is ridiculous and I could live with it, especially since as I've said, we can use the data on our phones. So really it's not the lack of internet, its the other constraints that are the problem.

I would tell him that you wouldn’t even think about asking 3 other people to coop themselves up and forgo food and entertainment for 3 hours during one of their only days off from work/school when there is a simple alternative.

Also, does this have to happen in the evening? Is he working with a team?

I really don't want to have to go out on a Sunday evening, every Sunday for 8 weeks! I don't want to arrive home at 8:30/9pm knowing that we've to get up and begin a new week the next morning. Sunday evenings are different to every other evening aren't they? (well they are to me) Yes, I could do that. But I simply don't want to.

Yes the times are fixed, he is working with other teams and it can only happen at that time.

It's difficult to comment without knowing more about the household, I think. It's possible that DH feels that he does the bulk of the office work to bring in most of the money.
So what? They're a team. Or supposed to be.
he may feel aggrieved that on top of that he's expected to spend an hour commuting into an office on a Sunday evening. A whole hour? (well actually two half-hours, but you've cunningly added them together so it sounds like longer).

Assuming that the DCs don't really need looking after if they are teenagers, so everyone else is just chilling.
Chilling? In silence, with no WiFi, upstairs and not allowed downstairs to make tea/get food etc (never mind prepare for Monday morning), having to be really quiet?

Two people on this thread need to give their heads a wobble. Neither of them is the OP but one of them is you.

I'd tell him that you are too old to be sent to your bedroom and it isn't happening.

We have the cheapest, shittiest broadband in the known world. The two of us still managed to hold lengthy meetings at the same time last Thursday.

The only thing that has caused a problem recently for meetings has been a couple of windows updates pushing through. Which is fuck all to do with the number of devices connected - it affected the start of one meeting when I was at work as the only person on site and an ultrafast broadband connection all to myself and the servers.

Tell him to do it for 3 hours a few times and see how easy it is. You know, as a trial run so the children know what to expect.

As it’s so easy he can show you how it’s done.

I would not object to this at all. If its' an important thing that he has to do.. family can do some other things. other than using gadgets whatever.

30 minutes to drive to work and 30 minutes back is on the cusp of too much hassle when the work can be done from home. I can see your side though and his.

Can you compromise with him going into the officer every other time, so that you’re only inconvenienced 4 times instead of 8?

I and my family are so addicted to internet it drives us crazy when we lose connection even for a few minutes ha.

What did we all do before the internet.

@MaybeIABU

I really don't want to have to go out on a Sunday evening, every Sunday for 8 weeks! I don't want to arrive home at 8:30/9pm knowing that we've to get up and begin a new week the next morning. Sunday evenings are different to every other evening aren't they? (well they are to me) Yes, I could do that. But I simply don't want to.

If you suggest a nice expensive outing 8 weeks on yhe trot he might see the commute in a slightly different light I.e. he might suddenly see sense snd realise the office is a better bet.

As another poster says get him to sit in silence in a room upstairs, no access to gadgets or food and drink for 3 hours. If he can’t see that it is no fun in your own home then he is strange (and so are some posters on this thread)

As I said on a previous post - and other wfh threads - it is your home first. Yes work pays for it but doesn’t mean that it suddenly becomes an office that disrupts normal family life

Actually he has two options doesn't he?
Go to the office or stay at home and relax the restrictions he puts on the rest of the family.

Perhaps you can show him that the restrictions are the problem and have him
consider whether they are necessary and what the effect of you using the kitchen would actually be.

he says he shouldn't have to

Well no-one can make him, but it is ungracious of him not to offer.

@1forAll74

I would not object to this at all. If its' an important thing that he has to do.. family can do some other things. other than using gadgets whatever.

Have you not read the multiple posts where the OP explains how it's not just about 'gadgets'?

Your DH is being a total self-centred arse.

@MaybeIABU

I really don't want to have to go out on a Sunday evening, every Sunday for 8 weeks! I don't want to arrive home at 8:30/9pm knowing that we've to get up and begin a new week the next morning. Sunday evenings are different to every other evening aren't they? (well they are to me) Yes, I could do that. But I simply don't want to.

Perhaps this is how he feels. And on top of that he has to work for 3 hours. I'd discuss it with him and reach a compromise. Less silliness about not being able to use the kitchen or use 4d on your phones, and checking whether there really is a connection issue and what can be done about it. In our home the connection is quite weak and this kind of thing would be a risk, in terms of the connection failing.

of course he should go to his office.

is he so demanding & controlling about other matters at home?

@MaybeIABU

I really don't want to have to go out on a Sunday evening, every Sunday for 8 weeks! I don't want to arrive home at 8:30/9pm knowing that we've to get up and begin a new week the next morning. Sunday evenings are different to every other evening aren't they? (well they are to me) Yes, I could do that. But I simply don't want to.

I’d say, what are you going to do for 3 hours on a Sunday evening? Go for a meal every sunday? Because you won’t go for a walk, to the beach of whatever else you could do in summer for example.

Can he sequester himself in one room upstairs or wherever and close the door so that you and the rest of the family are able to go (quietly) downstairs in the kitchen and sitting room etc?

Yeah he should go to the office or relax his expectations a bit so you can at least use the kitchen. Sunday evenings are precious.

No way would I put up with this. Broadband aside, this is your home. It is dinner time. You need to access the kitchen and be able to relax in your space on a Sunday evening. He is working, so he can go to work.
A one-off would be fine, but eight weeks in row?
It would be a flat no from me, not negotiable, not alternating weekends.
If he still chose to work from home thinking I would comply at the last minute I'd be banging pots around in the kitchen while I danced to spotify.

If even one of those things wasn't needed then it would be somewhat doable...

e.g. if you don't need to be quiet you could do regular non screen things around the house

if you could use the TV/internet you could have a movie and pizza night

If it was just one or two weekends you could make it work.

Two months of that would totally do my head in.

I'd tell him what I was prepared to do... e.g. we will be mostly quiet and downstairs watching movies and eating pizza but I'm not staying off the internet and there might be occasional noise. Then he can choose whether he wants to try working from home or go to the office.

Hilarious.

Tell him to go to the office or deal with weekend noise in the house. You all live there, too. And I imagine your teenagers use the internet to do their homework, talk to their friends, etc

It's not a reasonable request under any circumstances.