DH work issue

[MaybeIABU]

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

Lots of people suggesting he works upstairs so that we then have the 'living' space in the house. This isn't possible unfortunately. His work setup is complicated with lots of screens etc. We have no spare bedroom and simply don't have the space for all his stuff in our bedroom. We could make the space, but chose not to because he often works late and then I wouldn't be able to go to bed! But generally him working downstairs is fine. We can potter around in the kitchen and living room, obviously we are conscious of him working and wouldn't make ridiculous levels of noise etc but it is usually absoultely fine. It really is just this Sunday evening thing (which might be more than once a year but not all the time) and so for that reason he thinks we should suck it up. But for me, it's hugely disruptive and stressful and I don't want to suck it up. Does that make me a total bitch? (prepared to hear that yes, it might)

I understand that it's stressful for him and obviously if he had no alternative, you'd have to stay out the way (though I'd expect him to be appreciative of his family supporting him like that).
However, he has an office half an hour away and is refusing to use it. He expects 3 people to be inconvenienced for 3 hours so he doesn't have to do a half hour commute. What would he do if you refused to go upstairs and put a film on? Surely he'd then just go to the office?

Wifi aside, how can his job be so important that you are not allowed to boil a kettle during these calls? The other people on the call will know there is a pandemic and that he is working from home. Having a family that live with you in the dwelling where you are doing the call on a Sunday night is not unreasonable or something to be ashamed of. It's not like he's calling from a brothel or prison and doesn't want the other people to know his circumstances. We have seen the interiors of all sorts of Famous People's houses on TV over the last two years, and nobody thinks anything of it. If there were the sound of a kettle or voices in the distance, I am sure that, however important his business or the people he is talking to, nobody would take him less seriously. My DH has done lots of Important Calls from home and people just get on with the odd occasional bloop in the background (animals or small children appearing, etc). It's life.

Why doesn't he want to go to the office? It seems so much simpler!

I'm not convinced by what you've said about this - in terms of why he says you need to disconnect. I am a software developer and I have worked from home. What specifically does he require - is it the download or upload capability? How does he connect to the internet in the house - via wifi? Why not plug straight in to the router via a cable? Is the device he is using the bottleneck in the chain? Navigate to the routers internal page and look at the devices that are connected and look at the throughput figures - my old laptop is a lot slower than my newer iPad devices. Is he uploading or downloading large files? Really - if your home network is not up to it he should be doing it at work - and if he is handling large files - is he taking them from a possibly insecure home network back into the work environment - any business with any sense would take a very dim view of that? Is he using a VPN? Devices like internet radios, mobile phones, Amazon Firestick, internet enabled TV's etc will all use some bandwidth. I could be wrong but personally I think he's fobbing you off with a rather weak story. What is the issue? Downloads or uploads failing or is there a real-time processing requirement - something that times out? IMHO - he should be doing work from the office especially if the network and internet connection at home are affecting his ability to work - if the work is so important what happens if the network lets him down and the work is not done? It doesn't make enough sense to me. I am a real-time embedded software developer FWIW.

@MaybeIABU

You have over 97% agreeing with you - that pretty conclusive
You are not being a bitch and YANBU

@moredogsthansense

I agree. Both DH and I have to attend board level meetings regularly and occasionally a child makes an appearance, the doorbell rings etc. Life continues and no one cares.

Unless he’s presiding over court hearings (doubtful on a Sunday evening) he’s being ridiculously precious about his work.

Why does he need all the internet? He is being a weirdo. I would carry on as normal.

I work from home. My sons a gamer and streams. We can both use the internet for streaming/zoom at the same time. We have a fairly decent fancy sky broadband package.

If I’m worried about connection I ensure my computer is wired straight into the router rather than using WiFi. I’ve only done this once in two years when I was delivering a paid workshop as I was using the recording for a course afterwards.

I also use headphones to keep noise down at my end for family and means I’m not being distracted by every noise at home.

I have a decent mike and shield so it’s aimed to pick up me - not everything in home.

I’m sorry but not allowed downstairs etc. Nope. That’s his problem. I might agree to keeping noise down. But I’m still going to scroll internet and get myself brews.

How about every other weekend can be done at home if he relaxes his ‘rules’.

If I can manage to run all my zoom calls and screenshare at home on WiFi whilst living with two streaming/gaming lads - then he can crack the fuck on and chill out. Or bog off to the office.

I would ask him to spend 3 hour upstairs on a Friday night, silent and with no devices. See how he likes it.

How often does he go to the office?

If it's all above board, why is going to his workplace unthinkable for him?

Stop following the no internet rule. It's stupid and I bet it barely makes a difference. If he doesn't like it he can go to the office.

@MaybeIABU

If you and your kids can’t go for 3hrs a week without Internet you have bigger issues to worry about. Watch a film, read a book… I agree with this to an extent, but 3 hours is quite a long time and not being able to access the kitchen from 5:30pm to 8:30pm on a Sunday is a right pain to be honest. We can't watch a film, the only TV in the house is downstairs and we can't use it when he's working on this particular project! To be fair, we can use the data on our phones instead of the WiFi so we're not cut off or anything, but not being able to just be on a Sunday evening is crap. Or maybe I'm overreacting because I'm pissed off about it. Which is why I wanted the vote, to see if it's me.

On this update he's even more unreasonable.

Sod that for a game of soldiers, but then my DH wouldn't have expected us to do this

"He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. "

The solution is that HE gives his head a wobble, and goes in to his office to do this work. Expecting you and two teenagers to "stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet" while he does his Big Important Work - what the hell is he thinking? No. Just no. He goes in to his office.

[quote MaybeIABU]@Storminamu yes they are the points he was making. But my point is that one person being put out instead of 3 is surely fairer? I've said many times that it's not about the internet.[/quote]
It's difficult to comment without knowing more about the household, I think. It's possible that DH feels that he does the bulk of the office work to bring in most of the money.
We don't know what the facts are. But if for example DH works 60 hours a week and you work 35 hours a week, he may feel aggrieved that on top of that he's expected to spend an hour commuting into an office on a Sunday evening. Assuming that the DCs don't really need looking after if they are teenagers, so everyone else is just chilling.
There are then arguments about who does most cleaning / ferrying the children / filling in forms for school, etc. but maybe this is how your DH sees it.
Just speculating, obv, don't shoot me.

@Storminamu

I have some sympathy for him - driving to and spending 3 hours in the office on a Sunday evening really fucks up the weekend. It's grim, unless you love your workplace. Plus he'd presumably have to open up and lock up, and in the dark, which he may find slightly stressful. Plus driving when you don't need to isn't a great idea, and costs money too. I'd query why the rest of you are so dependent on the internet, having already had full use of it almost all weekend? Why don't you just watch a film on DVD together?

I used to work somewhere where I regularly had to go in at weekends. The drive was at least 40 minutes each way, and frequently I had to unlock and/or lock up in the dark. I didn't love it, but with what were then two small children it was just much more practical than being at home. Having to work at the weekend was stressful, having to drive in to do it and lock up was really the least stressful part of it.

If I had to do something that was dependent on good internet access and everyone around me being quiet, I suspect also that doing it in the office would be less stressful anyway.

He's rather entitled isn't he. Why the hell does he think he has priority over everyone else with the entire downstairs of the house?! I also WFH, complex set up, multiple screens, limited space, no spare rooms. I have often had to demonstrate projects, and host Q&As about them, to a global audience. This means that I have had to ask my DDs and DP to please stay silent(ish) in the living room for an hour on a weekday.

I would never even consider banning them from the rest of the downstairs, especially not for 3 hours! Nor would I boot them off the internet. If my meetings were a regular thing, and on a weekend no less, I would definitely be going into the office if I needed it that quiet.

Absolutely ridiculous for him to expect to monopolise your home for that long, on a regular basis.

The broadband is more likely to be impacted by traffic on the network on a Sunday evening at peak consumer times rather than you all using the internet at home in your house. He really would be better using the business technology provided at work where traffic prioritisation is given to business connections who pay more.

He’s being a dick.

How and when does anyone cook or eat dinner, given that he's occupying the kitchen at dinner time?

Do you have a big late lunch, or an early tea or something? Is that what you'd be doing normally?

Tell him to buy some noise cancelling headphones. If they don't work well enough for him, then off he trots to the office next Sunday.

Fuck that. Of course he goes to his office - it’s only half an hour away for goodness sake. There’s not a chance in hell I would agree to his demands as they are totally unreasonable!

YABU. Take the kids out or dinner or a film. Or encourage everyone to have some reading time. Your phones have 4G don't they? DC can use that if they're having a tantrum about connectability

It does sound like you mainly have a broadband issue tbh - or is he always this stressed about work?

He's been working from home full time since the beginning of the pandemic, so would only be going to the office for the few hours on a Sunday for this particular project. He would have to open up and close/alarm the building, he'd be there on his own and he'd have to commute - but he's perfectly capable of doing all that, and accepts that is the case, but says he shouldn't have to. I say he should! And so do 97% of you lot

@Storminamu "It's possible that DH feels that he does the bulk of the office work to bring in most of the money."

I do get what you're saying, but I still don't think that would excuse it. If the above is the case, then he needs to give his head a wobble about this. Or he needs to have a seperate talk about division of labour if he feels it unfair.

In my case, I bring in the larger part of our income, and I own the house, DP has no share. But this is his home too, and my DDs, and we're a team, so I do not assume I get to monopolise the house whenever I want.