DH work issue

[MaybeIABU]

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

Could you swing a small TV for your bedroom to use for movie night for the duration of this?

I wouldn't be adhering to his rules at all. If he doesn't like the noise/lack of bandwidth he needs to go somewhere else.

YANBU
He should go to the office, yes it is a faff for him but it is not fair to except you to stay upstairs. I saw your PP and I agree, this would be the issue for me, not being in the living space.
Considering most people don’t have the spare cash for a garden office, going into the office is the only sensible option.
For perspective my DP has worked from home since start of pandemic, he does have important calls and regularly has to work weekends due to being on call but he would never impose restrictions on us to basically stay out of living space due to his work. And this is with us being used to having to be quiet when he’s got important calls.
He’s being unreasonable.

@Askingforfriend

Could you swing a small TV for your bedroom to use for movie night for the duration of this?

Maybe she could use one of the kid's bedrooms as a makeshift kitchenette too!

Would he be taking public transport? Is he afraid of the Covid risk?

Hes punishing your family for him having to work. "If I can't do what I want neither can you".

Jeez - there's no way I'd be that selfish in his position. I'd go to the office and let everyone at home get on as normal.

@MaybeIABU

He doesn't cycle or have any hobbies that impede our family life thankfully, but he is very obsessive about his work and this particular issue caused us to have a proper row last night when we never really row about anything (we were shouting at each other, we never do that) and it wasn't resolved, then I got up this morning and left for work. So it really needs to be discussed properly later this evening and I'm glad to see that IANBU in this instance.

When you discuss this properly later, I would be making it very clear that you absolutely will not be skulking around upstairs for 3 hours every Sunday, and neither will your children.

This is your home, your downtime and you will be getting on with doing what you normally do on a Sunday evening, whether that's ironing your work clothes, helping with homework or watching TV.

If he can't work at home with normal family life going on, he needs to stop being unreasonable and go to the office.

Is your broadband that crap? I’d not be creeping about in silence, it’s Sunday. If he has to have silence he can go elsewhere

YANBU
He’s just got lazy and sees the house as more his territory because he doesn’t have to commute anymore - or at least atm.

Don’t compromise. He should fuck off to the office. Think of the example you’re setting to your kids. The big man must have the house and quiet!

What happens during school holidays?!

Also, worth pointing out to him that his anxiety about it has a detrimental effect on the whole household, and he needs to manage it better.

The suggestions of portable tv and dvds are bonkers when there’s a big tv with Netflix on downstairs. They all lie in a row in bed? Snacks ready on side in lieu of their evening meal as no one can enter kitchen. One wants a cold can of pop from fridge - no sorry get some water from bathroom sink.
Is he getting overtime? I’d seriously look into a office shed. We have a separate converted double garage as DH’s office - I see people stood admiring it. If we sold know I’d make sure estate agent put in big letters about office as I’m sure lots of people are fed up of wfh encroaching on family life.

WTF - just get him to go upstairs and get a work issued "Dongle" so he is using a remote internet VPN rather than the home WIFI. He needs to get a grip - you cant send everyone upstairs for 3 hours expecting them to be quiet with no WIFI

Just read your updates. He’s been working from home all this time so it’s not like he needs a break from work commute. Therefore he should go to the office the 8 Sundays if he’s so anxious about his surroundings.

My solution would be to just act normally but quietly, you and your children, while he’s working those days, everything will be fine, and he’ll see he’s been too draconian in his demands.

Does the room in which he works have a door? If so, he is being ridiculous. If not, still go about your business (quietly) no matter what he says.

So basically since he works from home and he speaks to ‘important people’ you and your children have to be quiet pretty much all the time? I can see why you’re fed up with his latest demands.

He needs a room with a door on it, that could be the solution.

@Dixiechickonhols

The suggestions of portable tv and dvds are bonkers when there’s a big tv with Netflix on downstairs. They all lie in a row in bed? Snacks ready on side in lieu of their evening meal as no one can enter kitchen. One wants a cold can of pop from fridge - no sorry get some water from bathroom sink. Is he getting overtime? I’d seriously look into a office shed. We have a separate converted double garage as DH’s office - I see people stood admiring it. If we sold know I’d make sure estate agent put in big letters about office as I’m sure lots of people are fed up of wfh encroaching on family life.

Hilarious visual!

The work shed sounds great.

8 weeks?!##fuck that!!

he kindly needs to fuck off to the office. Hes a big boy with a job, i am sure he will be able to manage

Sundays are precious before busy weeks happen from monday!

he is being very unreasonable!

You don’t really need to be silent though, that’s him spouting nonsense.

He needs proper headphones to block noise and a microphone. Door closed, job done. Watching television at a moderate level or cooking and eating dinner won’t disrupt him with those.

I am curious how you’ve managed school hols etc - is he just banishing you all upstairs no wifi for these Sunday sessions.

He needs to upgrade the broadband

Yanbu.

I would suggest a 50/50 compromise doing alternate weekends. On the weeks that he’s home you can do Cinema, meal out, read, bath, visit friends/family etc.
on the weeks he’s at the office you can do as you please at home.

He really does need to appreciate what an inconvenience it is for you all.

Do you normally have problems with your broadband? this is ridiculous

He is being selfish his demand of having sole use of downstairs for 3 hours on your chill out evening when he could go to the office instead is ridiculous.

Who wants to be confined to their bedroom at the time in the evening.

Thats a Big Fat No from me. NOPE

I think a 3-hour digital detox out of a whole week is no big deal and if you and the kids feel this strongly about it, you probably need it! so if this was happening due to curcumstances beyond anyone's control, e.g. the phone company working on the line, I wouldn't have much sympathy.

But your DH does sound pretty arrogant and selfish to inconvenience all 3 of you when there's an easy alternative. Does he have form for putting himself first? Does he also eat all your chocolate, or use all the hot water?

"But for me, it's hugely disruptive and stressful and I don't want to suck it up. Does that make me a total bitch?"

Well let's see.

If only there was some kind of compromise to be had.

Or failing that, somewhere he could go where he wouldn't have to worry about broadband & he could be assured of absolute silence.

Oh if only he had an office just a short drive away that he could use...