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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH work issue

302 replies

MaybeIABU · 24/01/2022 12:49

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 24/01/2022 17:32

Wow. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

If he can't put up with you making regular other people in the house noise, he needs to go to the office.

3 hours of no-one else on the WiFi- I could maybe go for - if you could watch dvd or downloaded film for example. But you having to be upstairs and silent as mice for 3 hours too? Not a chance.

If it was a one-off, an important interview, perhaps.

When he's working from home the rest of the time is he as anxious about noise and WiFi connection?

IntermittentParps · 24/01/2022 17:35

I think a 3-hour digital detox out of a whole week is no big deal and if you and the kids feel this strongly about it, you probably need it! so if this was happening due to curcumstances beyond anyone's control, e.g. the phone company working on the line, I wouldn't have much sympathy.
For heaven's sake.
How many times does the OP have to say it's not entirely/really much at all about the WiFi?!

TatianaBis · 24/01/2022 17:40

This is a DH rather than a broadband problem, however if your broadband does sometimes goes slow and he needs it for work then you do need to change the broadband.

Super fast fibre optic cable doesn’t have that problem ime.

eyeslikebutterflies · 24/01/2022 17:41

OP, frame it another way for him: he will find it REALLY stressful if he has to have 'complete silence' as, without screens, two teenagers confined to the upstairs won't be quiet. They'll drop stuff, play fight, actually fight, have loud conversations... and as at that age they have zero empathy (such is the teenage brain) they also won't care that he wants them to be quiet. So, he'll have to deal with his own rising stress levels as the noise increases...

But yeah, he's being silly. If it was me, and I had to have 'complete silence' (as I sometimes do), I'd jump at the chance to be in a quiet office. As a one off at home? Maybe. For 8 weeks in a row? The person who will suffer the most in this one is actually him. Though you and your kids won't be far behind!!

Liveandlove91 · 24/01/2022 17:42

My TV runs on the WiFi so I would be telling him no chance my kids wouldn't be able to go 1 hour let alone 3. I don't think your being unreasonable it's his work why should that interrupted family home. Xx

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 24/01/2022 17:43

OP you are not being unreasonable.
OP your husband is being very unreasonable.

I don't care if he is Boris Johnson, in fact if you hadn't already described the house you live in (which doesn't sound at all like Checkers, or No. 11 or 13 Downing Street - I know he lives in a flat on the top floor of the house next to no. 10, but I can't remember which way, and neither No. 10, nor The Houses of Parliment, are ½ an hour's drive away from Downing Street), I could really have believed that he is Boris, as it sounds just like something he would say, and think reasonable. Your husband is being totally unreasonable.

Please don't even offer him every other Sunday evening to make his phone calls to important people, no-one should be more important to him than you and the children, and he has somewhere that is absolutely ideal for those phone calls - his office at work, so that is where he should be!

Please just tell him that you are not preared to argue about it anymore, you and the children will be using the TV and kitchen in just the same way as you usually do on a Sunday evening, it is up to him whether he works through the noise, or goes to his office.

OP, your husband is being very selfish
Maybe show him this thread?

NeverChange · 24/01/2022 17:46

If your children were younger, I would understand your position better but they are 12 & 14 and can easily occupy 3 hours quietly and without wi-fi.

What proposed compromise is he suggesting:-

  • can ye do 50/50?
  • can he use upstairs rather than downstairs if it's more convenient for the rest of the family
  • is he agreeing to trying one week and then reconsidering based on how he get on?

Surely there is some sort of compromise?

Hankunamatata · 24/01/2022 17:48

That's fine but he pays for you and teens to go out for tea every sunday

Eightiesfan · 24/01/2022 17:49

Absurd, what if kids need to do homework etc. He is being incredibly selfish, and should go into the office.

It might be a man thing, as my DP started working from home during lockdown, and as we do not have an office he works at the dining table in our open plan kitchen diner. The kids come back from school and are in and out of the fridge, using the microwave, chatting and generally being teenage boys. The first time he told us to be quiet I calmly told him that this was our house first so if he didn’t like it he could move himself elsewhere . Yes, I know it’s his work, but it is completely unreasonable to expect quiet let alone silence in a family home with kids.

LovedayCL · 24/01/2022 17:55

I mean, most people used to go to work (physically) five days a week, many still do. It sounds like you do too? But he can’t, once a week, to avoid inconveniencing his whole family? Do you have tiptoe around his work area the rest of the week too?

Bayleaf25 · 24/01/2022 17:58

Think I would possibly compromise and try to be out for say 3 or 4 of the Sundays. That assumes you have family locally you could visit for Sunday dinner or a one off cinema trip. The other days I would definitely think he should either go into the office or find another solution (laptop and extra screen at another local location - his family for instance).

saleorbouy · 24/01/2022 18:04

Surely you can use the wi-fi on your phone and set up a hotspot for the DC.
It's a bit unreasonable of DH can he not work upstairs while you're downstairs, if not he should head to the office especially as it's not far away.

girafferafferaffe · 24/01/2022 18:16

He'd be off to the office if it were my house. No way would this be ok. I bet you'd never dream of inconveniencing your entire family like this!

IntermittentParps · 24/01/2022 18:22

@NeverChange

If your children were younger, I would understand your position better but they are 12 & 14 and can easily occupy 3 hours quietly and without wi-fi.

What proposed compromise is he suggesting:-

  • can ye do 50/50?
  • can he use upstairs rather than downstairs if it's more convenient for the rest of the family
  • is he agreeing to trying one week and then reconsidering based on how he get on?

Surely there is some sort of compromise?

Honest to God... Are people being obtuse on purpose? How many times has the OP said it's not all about the WiFi?! And it's not just about being 'quiet' (although that, in one's own home, is Hmm enough; he says they would have to be silent and not allowed downstairs. That means no making tea/getting snacks etc, let alone the OP cooking dinner (which I wouldn't be surprised to hear her DH is expecting to be silently magicked up somehow); and prepping for Monday morning e.g. batch-cooking/packed lunches/washing/ironing/whatever else he is again perhaps fondly imagining just sort of happens.

And have you not understood what the OP says about why he can't work upstairs?

MrsBaublesDylan · 24/01/2022 19:13

I would bet my mortgage that this man finds a myriad ways to express his inner twat on a daily basis.

This will be the tip of the twat iceberg.

TheOccupier · 24/01/2022 19:15

@IntermittentParps

I think a 3-hour digital detox out of a whole week is no big deal and if you and the kids feel this strongly about it, you probably need it! so if this was happening due to curcumstances beyond anyone's control, e.g. the phone company working on the line, I wouldn't have much sympathy. For heaven's sake. How many times does the OP have to say it's not entirely/really much at all about the WiFi?!
My post makes that quite clear, though obviously not to you :)
diddl · 24/01/2022 19:24

@Hankunamatata

That's fine but he pays for you and teens to go out for tea every sunday
What if they don't all want to go out for tea every Sunday?
Frankola · 24/01/2022 19:50

He should be going to the office rather than inconveniencing everyone else for 3 hours! Selfish noodle.

WeAreTheHeroes · 24/01/2022 19:56

I haven't rtft all the way through, but would he have to cart his screens, laptop, etc to and from the office if he were to go there too?

Would it be feasible for you to take the kids out for dinner, go to th cinema, go bowling, etc instead of all huddling away upstairs whilst he's doing this project work?

ChimChimeny · 24/01/2022 20:14

God all he needs are a noise cancelling headset and a background and none of his colleagues would even know you were there

blubberyboo · 24/01/2022 20:25

Yea he’s being an arse

SEOeieio · 24/01/2022 20:55

Three hours on a Sunday evening for eight Sundays running is a lot to ask when there's an alternative!

I'd expect him to compromise and be less selfish and more realistic. You and the kids live there, too. It's a home, first and foremost, not an office where he can reasonably expect total silence and no-one wanting something to eat/drink for the whole evening. If he'd back down on the demand that everyone stay upstairs the whole time, I'd find it more acceptable, but apparently that's not an option.

The best compromise would be for him to go to the office every other week. He may not enjoy the commute, but the three other people in the family don't enjoy being sent to their rooms and told to keep quiet.

Hont1986 · 24/01/2022 20:58

Firstly it sounds like he needs to deal with his anxiety around work - fair enough to ask everyone to avoid any big downloads, but kicking everyone off the wifi in case "something goes wrong" is completely irrational and shouldn't be pandered to.

Secondly I'd be informing him that 3 hours every week for the next two months is too much, and he can work from home by all means but not expect the rest of us to be following his silly rules.

RantyAunty · 25/01/2022 00:12

If he is still refusing to go to his office, I wouldn't be accomodating him. Just go on about your Sunday as usual.

Since his WFH seems to be permanent, he needs to sort out a new office, a garden shed or something, so you can have you home back.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 25/01/2022 01:33

I have not RTFT, just the OP’s posts.

Honestly, split the difference 4 weeks you all find something to do off internet and 4 weeks he goes to the office.

Have we lost the the ability to compromise and problem solve?