DH work issue

[MaybeIABU]

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

Wtf is wrong with him? How is he wired up so that he can even imagine that this is reasonable?

The only hesitation I have declaring you to be entirely reasonable in expecting him to go to the office is ... is the office heated on a Sunday evening? I am completely dysfunctional in an unheated office so would want to WFH but otherwise he can't set those levels of conditions on a weekend evening.

Him going to the office every other Sunday hasn't been discussed, but is probably a good compromise. However, him telling me that he doesn't see any problem with it and acting all offended that I expect him to go to the office makes my blood boil and makes me less inclined to bend at all! Which isn't really very grown-up is it

It’s not just broadband though it the hiding upstairs. 2 teens have a shower normally op would wash & dry towels but she can’t get to washer. She wants to make soup for work tomorrow but soup maker is noisy. 12 year old pipes up he needs home ex ingredients for tomorrow - he can’t go rummaging in cupboards. 14 year old realises it’s rugby match tomorrow and boots are muddy - polish is in kitchen. Op is knackered and just fancies watching tv at 7.30pm lying on sofa eating biscuits. Packed lunches to be made. Yes you can plan and do earlier but that’s encroaching further into family sunday.

Not being able to go into the kitchen would do my head in more than the wifi.
At the very least he needs to take himself off to a room away from the shared areas of the house. Then I might agree to every second Sunday.
Then after that, you have options to keep the kids off wifi - a dvd movie, a board game, puzzles, a walk, go out for hot chocolate are all possible to help.

Part of the deal with WFH is that the wifi might be iffy, and family may intrude (especially if you’re working in family space during what would normally be non-working time). If that’s not acceptable to him and his Very Important People he needs to take his arse to the office.

Another vote for him going to the office, at least for half the time. He also needs to get over his fear that the internet will not cope. That is so unlikely in 2022, especially given you have a fibre connection.
We are not even on fibre but still manage to stream a film, gaming, online apps for work and zoom all at the same time.

Yanbu , a one off fine and actually I wouldn’t mind for 3 hours once a week but not the dc and tbh why should they . He’s being a dick inconvenience you all and it really pisses me off when it’s said if shoe was on the other foot cause like hell would he be happy to keep off the Wi-Fi for 3 hours every week and find something to keep the dc entertained. Tell him no go to the office .

It being over tea time is the thing which would annoy me the most I think!

I would say to him tonight he needs to go and sit upstairs for 3 hours with no access to the downstairs and no access to wifi and remaining completely quiet. Then after he has done that to chat about compromising on this

Can you pose this to him?. If he's not prepared to do it how can he expect you to!

I'd be saying "OK we will go ice skating/ bowling/cinema/whatever and then going for pizza/chinese/ something else yummy, uou consort your own dinner to mske sure you are left in peace". If he doesn't like that, tough.

he needs ALL your bandwidth? Is he hacking the Pentagon? And complete silence for the important people? Its not the Pentagon, its the White House I'd be telling him to get over himself and get out the door to his office.

@MaybeIABU

Him going to the office every other Sunday hasn't been discussed, but is probably a good compromise. However, him telling me that he doesn't see any problem with it and acting all offended that I expect him to go to the office makes my blood boil and makes me less inclined to bend at all! Which isn't really very grown-up is it

well it doesn't sound like he is being a grown up either with his sooooo important job and his sooooooo important people

Your first paragraph I thought yes it is reasonable if he needs to do this for work. Then I read the second paragraph and you are not being unreasonable if he can go into the office.

When you banish him upstairs for 3 hours give him a list that needs doing - I’d be upstairs annoyed thinking of all the stuff I needed to do.
Why can’t he work in bedroom?

I actually think everyone being off the internet together from 5.30 to 8.30 sounds like a great idea. I wish more kids were unplugged that way, periodically.

However, as you've said, it's not just that: it's the need to be silent, unobtrusive, and tucked away.

I say that you compromise in some way: either it's an every-other weekend thing or he moves his stuff to a different part of the house so that you can enjoy the common areas with your kids. He doesn't get to monopolize the house, cut off all wifi, and demand silence during family time.

It's all very odd that he thinks he can't trust the internet. If the internet went down in the area as ours did last week, then he would be in the same position. I cannot understand the need for everyone to be offline for him. Is he doing a dynamic document? If so then he just has to save it on something like one drive and regularly save so it doesn't get lost.
I believe he should go to the office so the household can run as normal. If you do agree to this dictatorial ridiculousness then he should sit in the bedroom so everyone else can move about. It's beyond selfish for him to ban everyone from the kitchen all evening.

We have 4 people on Teams/syste,s working from home including 1 in IT.

Are you sure your broadband is that poor?

Absolutely ridiculous request. If he needs absolute silence and 'full bandwidth' for his Very Important Job then he needs to go to the office. Completely selfish performance working. I think I'm more annoyed about it than you OP!

Being restricted to certain parts of the house is unfair, it's a home first. Was slightly different balance during lockdown when travel to the office wasn't permitted. This is just a preference not to travel by DH.

My kids are young so we could easily survive without internet for a few hours but presumably teens homework is all online these days so it's totally unreasonable for the family to have to structure their entire weekend to avoid any internet use for 3 hours Sunday evenings.

I would agree to 2 or 3 weekends but not all 8.

My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row.

Seconding anyone who says maybe as a one-off but 8 weeks in a row?

No.

Wtf is he actually doing btw?

If it was just the Wifi it would be fine, surely people can manage without internet access for a few hours once a week.

The having to stay upstairs is a little more of an issue, potentially. Depending on what your home is like.

You could maybe consider going out for a swim or skate that night?

Or agree to try it once and then see how it goes.

He can't do it easily from home though can he? It takes extra effort from 3 other people - i.e. 12 hours extra effort from the rest of the family to save him the one hour travelling.

I'm guessing he must be much more important than the rest of you, for this to be a fair trade.

Sorry - 9, not 12 - bad maths!!!

No way. The internet ban is bad enough but being confined to upstairs for 3 hours is ridiculous.
I would be telling him he either works around the whole family or he goes to the office. He's being a selfish arse!