DH work issue

[MaybeIABU]

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

He's being incredibly selfish, especially if there's a good alternative (yes, there is, from the sound of it). And I say that as someone who spends all of my working life online (couldn't do my job without it), including calls from/to other countries, with lots of demos of how to use various things online, so quite heavy on the streaming, as it were...What if the kids have homework they need to submit on a Sunday evening or one of you needs to catch up with relatives urgently?! What on earth is he doing that the connection is going to be affected that much??

Sounds like a MASSIVE power trip.

Being confined to my room as an adult would make me utterly irrational. Then there's the issue that your children are also being confined to their room(s) too - that's not remotely nurturing.

This alone would have meant I'd have protested in the most obvious way pretty much immediately (using the sacred quiet space) - I'd have refused to be locked away like some inconvenience in my own home when there's a perfectly reasonable alternative.

The Wifi is a red herring, it's the requirement for complete obedience because of his convenience that's the issue. If your husband can't see he's being a complete arse then it doesn't bode well for your long term future. Can you honestly imagine being controlled to this extent for his convenience for the rest of your life?

If he needs quiet he needs to get his arse to the office and not expect others to give up hours of their weekend as he can't be arsed to travel.

He’s wildly, wildly unreasonable. Ridiculously so.

If he confined himself to the smallest room in the house and got his own dongle to ensure the house wifi isn't affected, then maybe.

^^
Also this! What does he expect you to do? Sit in your rooms silently with nothing to do?

I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

Cycling?

He is being massively unreasonable.
Is he always this demanding? Do you find yourself tiptoeing around him in general?

He doesn't cycle or have any hobbies that impede our family life thankfully, but he is very obsessive about his work and this particular issue caused us to have a proper row last night when we never really row about anything (we were shouting at each other, we never do that) and it wasn't resolved, then I got up this morning and left for work. So it really needs to be discussed properly later this evening and I'm glad to see that IANBU in this instance.

@MaybeIABU

He claims that if the shoe was on the other foot he wouldn't even think of asking me to do it, let alone actually ask me to (I have asked him to).

And would you even think of banishing to the bedroom for 8 Sunday evenings in a row?

If I were you, and your teens, I don't think I'd bother accommodating him. I'd want a cup of tea, glass of squash, Netflix etc.

Having said that I DID spend most of yesterday offline and very quiet as DH was desperately trying to get his covid stuff uplaoded so he could fly out for work this morning!

I'm not utterly unreasonable!

Has he said why he doesn't want to go to the office?

Once, maybe twice, or in an emergency- yes I'd accommodate it.

Every week for 8 weeks- he goes to the bloody office.

What do the dc think?

Everyone saying they could exist without internet for 3 hours is missing the rest of this. Anything I can come up with to entertain myself and two children involves being able to use the rest of the house (downstairs, board games or something else which requires interacting with the others) and making some kind of noise. He's demanding silence, full use of the downstairs of a small house, and to be the only person on the internet.

He's telling OP she and her two children need to be sitting in their bedrooms for 3 hours, unable to do homework, essentially only being able to read books or something else quietly. And that frankly is bullshit for a Sunday evening.

(yes they can also all go out for a meal and I'd personally do that if I were forced into this situation, but it would be on DH's dime)

Also: what the hell is he doing that is So Important? I'd genuinely love to know what project he's doing that your broadband can't withstand it. Also also, his conversations with Very Important People can certainly handle an "ah sorry about that, family life and I'm working from home", it's not as if we all haven't learned to deal with that over the last two years. And if they can't well he's got an office he can drive to fgs!

When my DC were 12 and 14, I needed the bloody washing machine, tumble dryer and kitchen on a Sunday evening / night. They needed WiFi for homework. And watching Sunday evening TV programmes like Dr Who / Top Gear / Downton / Call the Midwife (don't scoff) was a nice experience I shared with my DC.

And I did a Big Job that meant I needed to be on the end of the phone on Sunday evenings. I'm just not up my own fucking arse about it all. I'd have loved a wife and a nearby office.

I would say that ok rethe internet but you will be in the kitchen cooking or getting packed lunches ready.Get clothes washed ironed for the week.You will not be quiet or stop the children getting a drink,snack etc.He would be able to go to the office and not be stressed out,why would he impose these rules for 8 weeks on his family.Tell hm straight.

It's not just that though is it? It's not being able to get to the kitchen, being confined to their rooms. At a time when people will be wanting to make food, get bags sorted for the school week etc.

He is being totally unreasonable.

I agree. And it annoys the hell out of me when people say 'but I'd do the same for you' when they know that the situation will never be reversed.

The broadband thing is baffling. During lockdown ours coped with all three of us being on teams/zoom calls at the same time for hours.

If it was just the Wifi it would be fine, surely people can manage without internet access for a few hours once a week.

Have you tried to ask a 14yo to be wo Internet for 3 hours whilst being stick in the house with nothing else to do? Not even going downstairs and have dinner whilst ‘daddy is working hard not you know’?

No internet is one thing @MaybeIABU, but it’s the not going downstairs at all that is a huge issue

The broadband thing really is a red herring because (a) it's highly unlikely that it won't work for him and (b) we can use the data on our phones so I could sit on my bed and watch TikToks for 3 hours. It's the stress of it all, that one of us might make too much noise and that even though we should be able to go without food for that amount of time, if I fancy a cup of tea I can't boil the kettle! It probably is a bit petty, but as someone said upthread I just want to be able to relax on a Sunday evening and there is really nothing relaxing about this at all. We're on eggshells and it's crap.

What a selfish asshole

I have some sympathy for him - driving to and spending 3 hours in the office on a Sunday evening really fucks up the weekend. It's grim, unless you love your workplace. Plus he'd presumably have to open up and lock up, and in the dark, which he may find slightly stressful. Plus driving when you don't need to isn't a great idea, and costs money too.
I'd query why the rest of you are so dependent on the internet, having already had full use of it almost all weekend? Why don't you just watch a film on DVD together?

I don't think he realises how stressed he gets about it all and the effect that has on us. This is something I will explain to him later now that I've calmed down (a bit, I'm still annoyed!)

There is no way on earth I would ever agree to this and dh would have a total rebellion (especially as he has college deadlines himself)

sorry I meant ds would have a rebellion.

Come on everyone, you aren't fully appreciating that an Important Man had an Important Thing to do which must have Total Silence and Full Bandwidth.

Everyone else, suck it up, no one must trouble the Man while he's Working

He is behaving like a knob OP

@Storminamu yes they are the points he was making. But my point is that one person being put out instead of 3 is surely fairer? I've said many times that it's not about the internet.