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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH work issue

302 replies

MaybeIABU · 24/01/2022 12:49

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

OP posts:
ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 24/01/2022 13:25

Are you going to show him this post op? I think he’s being completely selfish and unreasonable. He’s inconveniencing the entire household because he refuses to go to the office. That’s really low. Especially when you’ve got young kids.

skyeisthelimit · 24/01/2022 13:27

YANBU if it is for 8 weeks in a row. Maybe compromise and he goes to the office alternate weeks or something, but it is too much for 8 in a row.

Why does he need so much bandwidth? You should be able to stream something to watch on a laptop if you have one.

PotBelliesGiveGoodLoving · 24/01/2022 13:28

I'm surprised that people cannot survive without broadband for a few hours a week.

RosesAndHellebores · 24/01/2022 13:29

Large teams meetings can take up a lot of band width. Therefore he needs to upgrade the Internet package or go into work. I suspect he's doing something on the side that work don't know about.

In any event when ours were small Sunday pm/early evening was prime homework time and even 15/20 years ago the internet was needed.

ChargingBuck · 24/01/2022 13:29

if we adhere to his conditions

Surprise us, OP.

DH has form for being the sole setter of conditions for the household, no ..?

Quartz2208 · 24/01/2022 13:29

Yes he is being massively unreasonable to demand total silence, no one downstairs and complete control of the WiFi. He is expecting you to do what exactly?

Because he has choices - he either works around you being downstairs, on the tv and using the WiFi or he goes to the office.

Or he goes upstairs and just asked for the WiFi (which actually isnt that hard going).

I would say to him tonight he needs to go and sit upstairs for 3 hours with no access to the downstairs and no access to wifi and remaining completely quiet. Then after he has done that to chat about compromising on this.

Original poster
MaybeIABU · 24/01/2022 13:31

I suspect he's doing something on the side that work don't know about. This is absolutely not the case! It's all above-board. The needing to have full bandwidth is a thing for him, as he's particularly worried about something going wrong while working on this. The reality is that mostly likely nothing will go wrong but still he is being super cautious. Which I know is a bit OTT.

OP posts:
Newcastleteapot · 24/01/2022 13:32

Is he supporting Sunday trading ?

Tell him to go to the office - for security reasons, and your sanity !

TheKeatingFive · 24/01/2022 13:32

I'm surprised that people cannot survive without broadband for a few hours a week.

Who says they can't? 🙄

They don't want to at a time of someone else's choosing.

Original poster
MaybeIABU · 24/01/2022 13:34

DH has form for being the sole setter of conditions for the household, no ..?

To be fair, that's not really the case. It's just this particular issue that we unfortunately can't see eye to eye on.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 24/01/2022 13:34

An evening, once, I'd be ok with this, but expecting you and two children to do nothing except sit in silence with a book each for three hours, nope, bugger that.

DoYouWantDecking · 24/01/2022 13:35

Tell him to fuck right off to the office now. Lazy git. Making you all restrict your behaviour - three of you- to save HIM a little drive. SOD THAT.

Cantleave · 24/01/2022 13:35

@Shoxfordian

Yanbu but I’d be fine with this as I’d just read a book
So would I if it was only me, but it isn’t only me it’s the kids too, which makes it completely different!
Original poster
MaybeIABU · 24/01/2022 13:36

Again, it's not so much the broadband for us. As I said we could use the data on our phones. We could read a book or knit or play scrabble or any number of things (only one TV in the house and it's in the living room). But we can't go downstairs and have to stay quiet. Maybe it's not that big a deal but it feels like it to me!

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 24/01/2022 13:37

@Jedsnewstar

If you and your kids can’t go for 3hrs a week without Internet you have bigger issues to worry about. Watch a film, read a book…
If you can't read the opening post, you have bigger issues than your compulsion to make patronising & ill-informed swipes at OP.

I'm assuming you missed the part where DH demands his wife & kids remain in total silence, & are not allowed downstairs?

The 3 hours isn't the problem.
Living with an entitled dominator is the problem.

SunshineCake1 · 24/01/2022 13:37

He is unreasonable.

He goes to the office only he is inconvenienced.

He tries to dictate then three of you are inconvenienced.

Obvious what the right thing to do is.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 24/01/2022 13:37

The 'off the broadband' bit isn't the issue is it really. It's the i am man, prioritise my needs bit that's the problem.
Frankly, I wouldn't engage with it.

DappledThings · 24/01/2022 13:37

@PotBelliesGiveGoodLoving

I'm surprised that people cannot survive without broadband for a few hours a week.
It's not just that though is it? It's not being able to get to the kitchen, being confined to their rooms. At a time when people will be wanting to make food, get bags sorted for the school week etc.

He is being totally unreasonable.

Hugasauras · 24/01/2022 13:37

No way he needs the bandwidth for video calls when you have fibre. Nonsense.

DressingPafe · 24/01/2022 13:38

The loss of the internet wouldn’t bother me, but being “banished” upstairs every Sunday evening would! Especially if you work too. Sunday evening is that last few hours before the hectic week starts again. It’s time to either relax or get those last few tasks done. Not to sit on your bed feeling annoyed!

He either needs to go to the office or, if you’re feeling generous, do the every other week thing a pp suggested. Then you only have 4 weeks of it.

I wfh permanently but I have a desk in my room so it doesn’t encroach on anyones space. It’s better for me as it’s peaceful and I can leave it all at the end of the day and go downstairs. Doing work at home isn’t fair if it impacts on the rest of the family so much.

OVienna · 24/01/2022 13:38

So let me get this right:

  1. for three hours on Sunday evening - during dinner time - you have no access to your kitchen as well as no access to the internet?
  2. You work full time too - your 12 and 14 yr old children are either doing homework (where they may need the internet) or also need down time too.
  3. this is going on for 8 wks and he won't even consider splitting the time by going into the office on a rota of one weekend in, one weekend off.

Okay....

IntermittentParps · 24/01/2022 13:38

He can jog on.
The most egregious part of this IMO is that he could so easily just go to his office. Half an hour away! And conditions would be ideal there, with, I assume, highly reliable WiFi as well as quiet.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 24/01/2022 13:38

@MaybeIABU

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I'd like a straw poll to check if I need to give my head a wobble. I don't want to go into the details of what DH does work-wise, it would be too outing.

DH has a piece of work that he has to do for a couple of months on a Sunday. He says that do to this he has to have complete silence, as he is on and off calls to important people. He needs us all off the broadband so that he has the full bandwidth for his work use. So me and the DC (aged 12 & 14) have to disconnect from WiFi, any devices that use the WiFi around the house are disconnected (Alexas, TV etc) Our house is quite small, so basically this means that he is downstairs for the 3 hours this takes and we have to stay upstairs with no WiFi and aren't allowed downstairs and need to keep really quiet.

He could go to his office which is half an hour away. There, he would be completely alone with no threat of interruption or noise etc full use of the internet and phones and general peace & quiet. He insists that I'm being very unfair asking him to go to the office when he could easily do it from home, if we adhere to his conditions, saying "it's just 3 hours on a Sunday evening". My argument is that it's THREE HOURS ON A SUNDAY EVENING!! For 8 weeks in a row. It's such a complete pain the arse and I'm sick of it. Yes, I could take the kids out for the few hours but where to on a Sunday evening? I suppose I just don't think it's fair that 3 of us are completely inconvenienced for 3 hours every Sunday when it could just be one person slightly inconvenienced (by having to travel, everything else he'd still have to do anyway)

So, AIBU to ask/expect him to go and do this work in his office every Sunday?

He should go to his office. Every Sunday for 3 hrs is a nuisance.
Hugasauras · 24/01/2022 13:39

And it's crap. He can go in a bedroom upstairs, close the door and let everyone else have the rest of the house. I WFH in evenings and life just carries on because I make sure I'm the one shut away!

rainbowstardrops · 24/01/2022 13:42

He's a selfish, unreasonable arse!!!

Why on earth does he think it's ok for three people to be silent upstairs for three hours for eight weeks, when he could go to a perfectly good office set up with everything he needs?!!!!

I wouldn't be asking him to go to the office, I'd be telling him!!!!