What does MN have against money poems?

[ThanksIGotItInMorrisons]

Reading another post this morning where OP mentioned a wedding invite had a money poem in it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, given that now days many couples live together and have kids before they wed. I totally get that they maybe don’t want to make a wedding list at a store , and don’t want to end up with 5 toasters and 6 kettles etc. It’s hard to think of a gift for a couple who already have a home and everything in it... it’s much easier to give them £10, £20, whatever you can afford surely than buy something they probably already have? Personally I think it’s a nice polite way of saying this, IF you want to get them a gift. So what’s the reason that a lot of us on here think it’s the worst thing you can do? I honestly don’t understand ...
YABU it’s rude and cheeky
YANBU it makes perfect sense to me

I hadn't heard of the money poems. But at my first wedding we asked for money (by word of mouth) as we were going travelling and then emigrating within months and didn't want material stuff to have to store then ship. Friends listened. Family gave all all sorts of household stuff, including heirloom crockery etc. All of which we instantly sold. I wish we had been even more direct about wanting money!

The wedding money poem is like a knitted toilet roll cover. Yes, it might look frilly and pretty, but there's still a toilet roll under there. And ironically it only draws attention to the toilet roll, as who in their right minds would put a crocheted princess doll atop their cistern?

Just have a wedding list, ffs. John Lewis will convert it all into vouchers if you want. And at least the JL etiquette toilet roll cover allows the guests the chance to do passive aggressive gifting for their money. ('Oh, look... your auntie Sheila's got us the Brabantia swing bin.")

My friend had one of those wedding lists where you can't afford anything and have to buy one from a set of twenty four coasters or something. And her invitation said "we're not accepting any gifts that are not on the list" which I felt was very rude.

My cousin asked for cash or contributions to a charity she and her wife supported. I gave them cash and made a donation.

A friend asked for a "contribution to their holiday", so we gave them some sunscreen! (Not really, gave them £50).

I'm happy to give money, it makes life much easier. I don't want silly poems though. "Presence not presents" is about as much as I can cope with.

It’s understandable that people might not want presents, so the way to deal with that is to say ‘no presents please

I agree @Eloraa It’s just bad mannered to tell people what you want as a gift up front. It’s the same as including a gift list with a wedding invitation. If people want to give presents it’s up to them and if people ask I think it’s fine to say you’d prefer cash but telling people up front is bad mannered. Dressing it up as a rhyme does nothing disguise it, it just adds another layer of naffness.

I just didn't write anything regarding gifts or money. I had one or two elderly relatives specifically call and ask. But 95% of our guests have cash in their cards and we also got a few photo frames / champagne glasses.
It's etiquette to gift something at a wedding either cash or a gift. I didn't need to spell it out and 'no gifts' would have sounded odd

I genuinely CANNOT comprehend how anyone can claim that requests for money (yes, even via a poem!) for a wedding present are grabby! It’s insane to me - every wedding I’ve been to for probably the last 15 years has asked for money and of course I’m more than happy to do so.

It’s like people get invitations from people they hate?? I get invited by people I like/love so whatever they ask for is fine by me - and it makes life so much easier!

There is nothing “grabby” or “mucky” about it at all and I would bet good money that most people who moan about it on here wouldn’t dream of saying anything in real life.

We said no gifts. Still got a lot of money, tons of bottles of champagne, some vouchers and a few random gifts anyway. Not a toaster in sight, just the one vase, and hopefully no one felt pressured!

My friend had one of those wedding lists where you can't afford anything and have to buy one from a set of twenty four coasters or something. And her invitation said "we're not accepting any gifts that are not on the list" which I felt was very rude.

This is the one time it's perfectly acceptable to not give a gift.

@maxelly

Personally, and this is just my opinion, don't come at me angry people of MN, the classy thing to do that gets around all your difficulties is say nothing at all about presents on the actual, formal invitation but have somewhere available a supplementary information sheet, whether it's online or a physical printed sheet of A4, that has useful info about the wedding on it. Things like timings, places to stay in the local area for out-of-town guests, any arrangements being made to get between the ceremony and the reception if it's not all in one place, any arrangements for people with dietary needs, anything you are doing for any children attending (a creche or party games or whatever), all that sort of thing. Somewhere down the bottom of this, have a line re presents saying very simply something like 'We are very lucky and have everything we need, and therefore please do not feel obliged to give a present, your presence at our wedding is all we ask. If you would like to give us something, a small contribution to our honeymoon would be very much appreciated but this is in no way obligatory." This gives the guests the info they are after but in the least grabby way possible IMHO...

No, to me that's just the exact same as if you were to put it on the invite. You're still detailing a preference for money.

If you were inviting people to your birthday party, would you say, I'd prefer money? No. Well unless tour 15!

The polite thing to do is to not dictate what others gift you. It's a gift. It's not your decision to make. People are free to gift you whatever they want.

@girlmom21 @BowerOfBramblee Oh OK, maybe not "No boxed gifts" then!

(There is also a poster upthread who things it is an awful way to put it, so clearly this is not the solution.)

I actually think it’s tacky to ask for anything at all. Surely the polite thing to do is wait until your guests ask if there is a gift list then say you would prefer money.
Eg last week it was my birthday. I’ve got a friend who has bought me a gift for the last 46 years. However I didn't presume she would buy me a gift this year just waited until she asked.

@BowerOfBramble

X-post *@girlmom21*

I love that people think that's a clear message, it's actually a code!

It's ridiculous isn't it. Why would anyone not just say "no gifts necessary"?

The wedding money poem is like a knitted toilet roll cover. Yes, it might look frilly and pretty, but there's still a toilet roll under there. And ironically it only draws attention to the toilet roll, as who in their right minds would put a crocheted princess doll atop their cistern?

Yes. That ^

[quote erinaceus]**@girlmom21* @BowerOfBramblee* Oh OK, maybe not "No boxed gifts" then!

(There is also a poster upthread who things it is an awful way to put it, so clearly this is not the solution.)[/quote]
Thank you for being kind to us

They make a lot of people cringe. The sort of person who likes birthday cards with twee verses inside probably won’t object, though.

IMO it’s perfectly reasonable to say that IF guests would like to give anything, cash would be very welcome, but IMO it needs to be very carefully worded, in prose, not verse.

Honestly, I've found this is a bit of a mumsnet thing? most weddings I've been to have asked for money via poetry, I can't say I have a massive problem with it, I'd rather give them what they want than crap that isn't going to get used. I'm also biased, as I hugely prefer giving a cash gift for any occasion as I just find it so much easier.

how do you know I didn't just go down the registry office in my jeans? Or whether I was actually paying for the wedding?

If I cared enough about someone to attend their wedding, I care enough to get them something they actually want - it makes no odds to me if my £50 is spent on their honeymoon/house deposit, a pointless crystal bowl or if they piss it up the wall on takeaways - its still £50 that I was happy to give as a gift and it's still £50 that I no longer have.

IMO it is snobbery, plain and simple.

Asking for money is no more or less "grabby" than asking for physical items. If I'm going to spend, say, £50 on a gift does it matter whether that is in cash, vouchers or plates? No.

Not only is it rude but they are universally the world's worst poems. Regardless of the subject matter, anyone should be ashamed to circulate such total dross.

Saying something slightly awkward through verse just makes it bloody worse.

I have no problem with a couple suggesting they'd prefer money to a gift, but the jolly little money poems make my sphincter's sphincter pucker in second hand embarrassment for them.

@RiverLola

how do you know I didn't just go down the registry office in my jeans? Or whether I was actually paying for the wedding?

If I cared enough about someone to attend their wedding, I care enough to get them something they actually want - it makes no odds to me if my £50 is spent on their honeymoon/house deposit, a pointless crystal bowl or if they piss it up the wall on takeaways - its still £50 that I was happy to give as a gift and it's still £50 that I no longer have.

I didn't. That's why I said maybe if. If I went to a fancy wedding where a lot of cash had even spent I'd find it incredibly insulting to have been asked for cash towards a house deposit

I agree with @maxelly - that's the way to do it.

I get what others are saying about waiting to be asked - but so many people DID ask we realised that was actually just giving our lovely guests another job to do/thing to worry about, so we put it in the info for those attending.

Worth saying that after we asked for no gifts, several people didn't give gifts - and that was fine too. No point saying that if you don't mean it. (Just in case anyone is reading this and wondering what to do with a wedding where the couple say no gifts)

@Cissyandflora, that sort of thing wouldn’t bother me at all. It wouldn’t have been ‘done’ years ago, but given the colossal rise in house prices now, and especially when so many people live together before marriage and often don’t need ‘stuff’, most people will understand that cash would be very welcome.

Because it’s incredibly rude and also tacky. If you expect money at least just be up front without hiding behind a dodgy poem.

The normal approach would be to just note ‘no gifts please’ on the invite. You will find most people will then slip some $$ into the card.