What does MN have against money poems?

[ThanksIGotItInMorrisons]

Reading another post this morning where OP mentioned a wedding invite had a money poem in it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, given that now days many couples live together and have kids before they wed. I totally get that they maybe don’t want to make a wedding list at a store , and don’t want to end up with 5 toasters and 6 kettles etc. It’s hard to think of a gift for a couple who already have a home and everything in it... it’s much easier to give them £10, £20, whatever you can afford surely than buy something they probably already have? Personally I think it’s a nice polite way of saying this, IF you want to get them a gift. So what’s the reason that a lot of us on here think it’s the worst thing you can do? I honestly don’t understand ...
YABU it’s rude and cheeky
YANBU it makes perfect sense to me

I think the poems are awful and twee, plus it's like they know a lot of people will find demands for cash rude so they've dressed it up in as annoying a form as possible to try and sneak it through as acceptable. I think it's better to not give gift instructions but let it be known to people if you're saving for something in particular.

I'd prefer something like "we don't want to cause a family rift, but we'd like cash if you're giving a gift" because it at least acknowledges how awkward the whole thing is, in that it's rude to expect a gift but some people also want direction.

It's the tweeness of the rhyming lines.
I won't dignify them by calling them poems.
The simpering, giggliness of "look how cute we are". Ffs you're getting married. Grow up.

@WhatScratch

I’d love to know what all those who don’t want to give money have bought as wedding gifts (when there isn’t a wedding list.)

I think if there is no wedding list, money/voucher is a really sensible option. But when the guest has asked what to give, rather than a request being sent with the invitation.

I think the days of multiple toasters and cut glass are long gone.

I don't mind the poems. I don't think most people do. I want to celebrate the marriage of 2 people I presumably like and wish to give them a gift that they want and is useful. If the overriding emotion isn't love for the couple and a poem puts you that out I'd say just don't go. The wishing well is a practical idea or else someone ends up holding a bag of envelops stuffed full of money.

@IamnotSethRogan

It's just a tacky way to say something. I don't want fucking anything communicated to me through the medium of poetry.

exactly how I feel.

I dislike it because it feels like they are saying "give us money but we feel less grabby on account of writing a poem".

Asking for gifts or money in any way is just horrible.

Agree with @Eloraa. My brother and his wife recently sent one of these wank poems in their invite. They're loaded and have no need for the money anyway, but surely if people want to gift and they've said they don't want physical gifts then the obvious choice is money - something that doesn't need pointing out in a stupid poem.

I felt that I had to give a lot more than I could afford or want to give. The reply I got from my brother was 'we didn't expect that much and don't expect us to give you the same when you get married' .

Wow. Ok. So it’s not necessarily saying that if you want to give a gift we would appreciate money, it’s just that people are finding the poems awful?
I think that when you’re sending out invites, you kind of already know that people will contact you to ask what you want tho, so I can understand people
Saying we don’t want presents just your presence please. But knowing that this won’t stop people being insistent , and not wanting to outright say give me your money ( it feels wrong wrong wrong) then perhaps a little poem can say it in a nicer less grabbier way than you are able to word in a nice way?
I think it’s a bit harsh to say have a cheaper registry office wedding in your jeans instead of asking me for money for a honeymoon - many peopl will have family helping them with the cost of a wedding, specifically so they DONT have to do that.
What a minefield!

(A) MN hates weddings, both as the couple getting married and as an invitee/guest. According to received MN wisdom anything more than getting married in jeans (why always jeans) down the registry office with 2 witnesses ideally strangers pulled in from the street is hideously extravagant and showy, a total waste of money, and an enormous inconvenience to your guests who will inevitably be hungry, bored and thousands of pounds out of pocket thanks to your selfishness in inviting them. How dare you then indicate that this is a social occasion on which presents are typically given and be clear about what you might like or have a use for? Are you a monster raised in a ditch?

[B] MN hates occasions on which gifts are typically exchanged (cf adult birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines day, mothers day etc) and thinks any adult that likes or, gasp, expects to receive a present, ever, is shockingly 'grabby'. No form of gift giving whether it's home-made crafts, 'experiences', wishlists is acceptable to MN and cash-giving is the lowest of the low...

[C] The poems are always twee and shite. No beef here, that's 100% true. If someone can post an example of a cash-poem that isn't this I will doff my cap to you in awe and wonder.

[A] and [B] are illogical to me, and in my experience of the 'real world' the vast majority of brides/grooms would prefer cash as a gift and the vast majority of guests happily give it too, within their means. In fact many, many cultures around the world have always had a tradition of cash giving rather than physical presents (often with some fairly clear and well-understood social expectations of how much you should give according to your relationship with the couple) and it's way easier to navigate than our rather arcane and coy rules about gift lifts and wishing wells and poems and having to to ask a million times 'no really, what do you want?' and be told 'oh just your presence, really', when everyone knows it's rude to turn up to a wedding empty handed so you have to take a stab at whether £50 is stingy or too much for a couple where you once worked with the bride and are invited as evening only guests and everyone is mutually shamed and embarrassed about the whole exchange...

@PissedOffNeighbour22

Agree with *@Eloraa*. My brother and his wife recently sent one of these wank poems in their invite. They're loaded and have no need for the money anyway, but surely if people want to gift and they've said they don't want physical gifts then the obvious choice is money - something that doesn't need pointing out in a stupid poem.

I felt that I had to give a lot more than I could afford or want to give. The reply I got from my brother was 'we didn't expect that much and don't expect us to give you the same when you get married' .

The last person I know to have the poem were incredibly wealthy too. They actually included that they wanted to do some house renovations, so a gift of money would be appreciated. Their wedding cost at least £40k. My jaw honestly hit the floor. How they felt that was ok to say is beyond me!

Pretty much any guest with actual sense and isn't rude themselves turns up with money anyway. If you can't afford it, fair enough, but otherwise most people do. You don't need to use a stupid poem, we've told everyone no presents, we are happy that they are just coming. I imagine the majority will still give us a card and money anyway despite being told we don't expect anything, but that's just what guests do. I would still give money in a card if I attended a wedding that said no presents, unless they asked for donations to a charity (but in those cases I'd probably do both).

Asking for money towards a honeymoon or whatever is just grabby. If you can't afford it, don't have it, or maybe cut down on some crap for the wedding like save the dates, favours no one takes home, decorations no one notices, pick a cheaper venue etc.

@IncompleteSenten

In England, asking for what you want is rude.

There is a specific ritual people are supposed to follow.

You ask what the person wants.

They say they don't want anything.

You insist you want to give them something.

They insist there really is no need.

You come close to blows.

You plead to be allowed to give them something.

They suggest a 50p fork from Amazon but only if it's not too much trouble.

You show up with a £100 crystal bowl that sits in its wrapped box on the table with 20 other identical crystal bowls, ten toasters and a teapot

They write thank you letters then store the gifts for 6 years before bunging the lot on eBay and using the cash to get something they actually want.

Haha so true

They're cringey and the opposite of classy, but I don't care enough to punish the couple for it. I'd just roll my eyes and give them the money.

"perhaps a little poem can say it in a nicer less grabbier way than you are able to word in a nice way?"

The poems themselves are awful though.

I have heard of the phrase "No boxed gifts, please" being used which I think is one of the least worst ways of putting it and it is fairly clear what is implied.

It’s a dance of etiquette, as IncompleteSenten described.

@FreedomFaith

Pretty much any guest with actual sense and isn't rude themselves turns up with money anyway. If you can't afford it, fair enough, but otherwise most people do. You don't need to use a stupid poem, we've told everyone no presents, we are happy that they are just coming. I imagine the majority will still give us a card and money anyway despite being told we don't expect anything, but that's just what guests do. I would still give money in a card if I attended a wedding that said no presents, unless they asked for donations to a charity (but in those cases I'd probably do both).

Asking for money towards a honeymoon or whatever is just grabby. If you can't afford it, don't have it, or maybe cut down on some crap for the wedding like save the dates, favours no one takes home, decorations no one notices, pick a cheaper venue etc.

100% agree!

So I think guests should just be buying presents they've chosen for themselves, as a token of good wishes towards the couple. The couple shouldn't be asking for specific things/money. It feels grabby and rude to me.

But then as has been discussed you end up with a whole load of vases and picture frames, none of which are to your taste. isn't that a waste? People are going to buy presents. They generally would like to buy a present that will be used and appreciated. In that case, a list (or money) makes it much more likely they will choose something the couple would like. We had a list, when we got married 20 years ago. Of course we made it clear we would be happy not to have a gift. Guests who decided to go "off list" generally bought us a vase. We had and I am not kidding, 15 vases. I was grateful for the thought that had gone into every one, even the ones that were completely and utterly not to my taste at all. But wasn't it a bit of a waste?

Having said that I voted YABU because the poems are awful.

@IncompleteSenten

In England, asking for what you want is rude.

There is a specific ritual people are supposed to follow.

You ask what the person wants.

They say they don't want anything.

You insist you want to give them something.

They insist there really is no need.

You come close to blows.

You plead to be allowed to give them something.

They suggest a 50p fork from Amazon but only if it's not too much trouble.

You show up with a £100 crystal bowl that sits in its wrapped box on the table with 20 other identical crystal bowls, ten toasters and a teapot

They write thank you letters then store the gifts for 6 years before bunging the lot on eBay and using the cash to get something they actually want.

I think I love you @IncompleteSenten

You come close to blows.

It's basically the same procedure as when one person wants to pay for lunch. You have to approach a fight before any gifting is allowed, grudgingly to take place.

As an aside, people who got us presents (which we really didn't actually want/need/have places to put) mainly got nice stuff like a restaurant voucher or household things like a vase. TBH I'd probably rather have that stuff in some ways than the money as it reminds me of the wedding/that friend and their taste, even if it's something I wouldn't have necessarily bought myself.

One thing we did do with older family members who insisted they wanted to give something was say if there was something in particular they already owned but wanted to pass on we would love that. Many elderly rellies have too much "stuff" and always trying to offer it anyway. Got a nice painting, some cutlery and one or two other beautiful things that hadn't seen the light of day for years and are now treasured heirlooms (I don't mean valuable, just much loved).

Just googled some and they have no iambic pentameter so for that reason alone it’s a thumbs down.

I have heard of the phrase "No boxed gifts, please" being used which I think is one of the least worst ways of putting it and it is fairly clear what is implied.

Not gonna lie I genuinely read this and thought it meant they wanted you to take the gift out the box so they didn't have to dispose of the packaging. I'm a twat

Oh my god, is that what "no boxed gifts" means?

I've always found that completely confusing, like the couple have something against boxes. I definitely didn't give money, just something that didn't come in a "box".

Ask for money if you must but don't do it like a godammned child trading on cute and performing for sweets.

X-post @girlmom21

I love that people think that's a clear message, it's actually a code!

@BasiliskFace

So I think guests should just be buying presents they've chosen for themselves, as a token of good wishes towards the couple. The couple shouldn't be asking for specific things/money. It feels grabby and rude to me.

But then as has been discussed you end up with a whole load of vases and picture frames, none of which are to your taste. isn't that a waste? People are going to buy presents. They generally would like to buy a present that will be used and appreciated. In that case, a list (or money) makes it much more likely they will choose something the couple would like. We had a list, when we got married 20 years ago. Of course we made it clear we would be happy not to have a gift. Guests who decided to go "off list" generally bought us a vase. We had and I am not kidding, 15 vases. I was grateful for the thought that had gone into every one, even the ones that were completely and utterly not to my taste at all. But wasn't it a bit of a waste?

Having said that I voted YABU because the poems are awful.

But I just don't think this is the case anymore. I'm mid 30s, and (covid aside) go to on average 5-6 weddings a year. Maybe 1 or 2 mention the money poem. I've never ever heard of the others receiving loads of useless crap, definitely no vases!! You get the odd thing, but not usually from a guest, tends to be a friend of your parents, or a neighbour for example, who's not even invited but has bought you a small token. Which is lovely!

Everyone I know going to weddings now gives money, or hotel/restaurant vouchers. I don't know a single person who would buy an actual household item.

Personally, and this is just my opinion, don't come at me angry people of MN, the classy thing to do that gets around all your difficulties is say nothing at all about presents on the actual, formal invitation but have somewhere available a supplementary information sheet, whether it's online or a physical printed sheet of A4, that has useful info about the wedding on it. Things like timings, places to stay in the local area for out-of-town guests, any arrangements being made to get between the ceremony and the reception if it's not all in one place, any arrangements for people with dietary needs, anything you are doing for any children attending (a creche or party games or whatever), all that sort of thing. Somewhere down the bottom of this, have a line re presents saying very simply something like 'We are very lucky and have everything we need, and therefore please do not feel obliged to give a present, your presence at our wedding is all we ask. If you would like to give us something, a small contribution to our honeymoon would be very much appreciated but this is in no way obligatory." This gives the guests the info they are after but in the least grabby way possible IMHO...