Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

Could you give your DH the option of saving to pay for himself and his DS?

My dh's father goes on holiday every year with his new wife and dc. Dh and siblings have never been invited to go. He is an adult now so could pay for himself but when he was younger, he couldn't. He would never say to his dad but he feels shunted out of the family since his df remarried. I think either just you and ds go or you all go. Disney particularly though, I think it would be nice for both dc and dsc to go.

Definitely go with your son on your own it will be so much nicer not in school holidays. It’s your savings DH is not involved.

If he wants a family holiday he saves. None of this guilt tripping - you married a man with children or how would you feel if it was yours. Why should your DH and his your DSS have a holiday at your expense, not shared expense at all.

So in the past you were with someone who was irresponsible with money and I'm guessing took yours? And now you're with another partner who rather than be sensible and save some cash would rather fritter it away and now he wants something, he wants your cash. It all sounds a bit similar and I wonder if you need to try and line up your views on money to make this relationship work?

YANBU at all. DSS has two parents, you are ot one of them. If DH wants his son to go he should the child's mother to contribute, not you!.

Yes DSS should go, bit not at your expense se x

Don't be tricked into thinking if he pays for himself and his one DC it is fair.

@KissKissButtCheek

YANBU at all. DSS has two parents, you are ot one of them. If DH wants his son to go he should the child's mother to contribute, not you!. Yes DSS should go, bit not at your expense se x

Bit unfair on the child's mum tbh it's shit all to do with her.

@Toanewstart22. In my limited experience ( as I only have two children), they love having one-to- one time with a parent. The child has your undivided attention and of course, you usually end up doing exactly what they want, especially on holiday. 😄 No having to decide whether it suits everyone, it’s their choice. I spend plenty of time alone with my DC, as does DH. We don’t need to be family unit all the time.

Are you in a rush to book? If you can I would give DH a couple of months to save the money for him and DSS, but if he can’t it’s not your position to pay considering he has inputs the same amount into the household expenses as you and has access to the same spending/ saving money as you. If he’s chosen to fritter his money away that’s on him.

@Isntitironic1

Different dynamics I guess? My dp would be gutted if I organised a holiday without him and vice versa, everyone's different though 🤷‍♀️

If he doesn't like to save, I'd ask him how he plans to sort out spending money for him and your stepchild. I'd also advise the only feasible way you are spending your savings on their tickets is if he pays you back in full for the cost. I don't do separate finances with my husband, but all too often on here you see posts from couples who do separate finances where the husband is trying to pull some cheeky fuckery with the wife's money so stand your ground and make it very clear what would be acceptable or unacceptable.

My exH took his young children away on holiday without our son. He actually told our son, he couldn’t afford to take him as it would have to be during school holidays so more expensive.

So our son was left behind.
He was devastated and neither of us have forgotten it. I had to spend a lot of time telling our son that he was lucky as he got to go away with me and his half brothers couldn’t.

However I don’t know how to address the financial disparity in your relationship and holiday contribution as that wasn’t relevant in my scenario.

“DS and I are going now when it’s cheap and outside term time. If you want all of us to go together in the summer as well, then we start saving for it together. You should ask DS mum if she would also like to make a contribution.” Say that to him and see what he says - otherwise he’s just sponging off you. It’s his responsibility to ensure he can cover his child’s costs. There’s nothing to stop you buying him a ticket as his birthday present and one as his DS birthday present if you were going to buy them each something anyway. Then he could pay for flights and have a joint budget for meals or something.

No, I wouldn't pay. You are obv entitled to go on hols with just your child. Furthermore, if your DH feels that strongly, he's welcome to plan and finance another trip once his funds are in place. Any emotional blackmail about his other child "missing out" is his issue, not yours.

Could you not pay and give your DH the chance to pay you back each month which can be delivered straight into your savings account?

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son

I am with your DH on this.

I get that you have a previous bad experience but 'his' and 'her' money and now 'his' and 'her' holidays doesn't sound like a family to me. In a family you pool your resources, together.

You could use this as a opportunity to get DH to commit to saving regularly.

@QuitMoaning

My exH took his young children away on holiday without our son. He actually told our son, he couldn’t afford to take him as it would have to be during school holidays so more expensive.

So our son was left behind.
He was devastated and neither of us have forgotten it. I had to spend a lot of time telling our son that he was lucky as he got to go away with me and his half brothers couldn’t.

However I don’t know how to address the financial disparity in your relationship and holiday contribution as that wasn’t relevant in my scenario.

But that's not what is happening here.

The OP is taking her son on holiday alone. The husband isnt coming. He isnt treating the children differently at all. He wont save for a holiday so his child with OP wouldnt get a holiday from him. His child with his ex also doesnt get a holiday with him. The child with his ex will go away with their mother. This new child can also go away with his own mum.

Nothing to do with the husband. Nothing to do with the stepchild.

Hard to choose which button to press.

1. I agree with pps that if you are with someone with older children then it's important to include them as part of your family, so that would be a YABU. But

2. If it's just you and ds that's different from if it's both parents going and excluding the stepchild. I think it's fine to just have a mum/child break sometimes, so maybe YANBU.

3. I'd find it very hard to be with a man who had a very different attitude to money to me. If he has another child HE is the one who should be saving and making sure you can afford to include his other son. It's different if he can't afford to save, but the impression I got is that he could afford to save, just chooses not to? In that case he's the one BU.

So I think you need to get 3 sorted out, or this is going to cause problems on a regular basis. Either agree that your savings are for you to allocate as you see fit, or he needs to agree to save too.

I think on balance YANBU, but it shouldn't be a regular thing because the other child is part of the person you married and is your son's brother, so going forward he needs to be included.

No way I’d wipe out my savings for this (also separate finances here).
I’ve taken my DC away before when I was a SAHP and DH didn’t have enough annual leave. It was great! Kids asleep in the evenings, me in the bath, watching what I wanted on tv etc. highly recommend.

Can you give him the figures and dates by which he has to come up with the funds by or is it simply not going to happen? If it’s the latter, book it for you and DS. He has the same disposable income and the same opportunity to save. The fact he doesn’t is his choice. He can’t have it both ways.

@ittakes2

I think your step child is a separate issue - I am fascinated you are in a partnership where you weren't planning on taking the father of your son to Disneyland Paris with you.

This. Why would you want to go without your DH? Surely it’s a family trip, more so than most holidays.

All the people bleating on about you being a family.

Op has said she’s been on a few holidays just her and her DS over the past few years.
If her husband was THAT ARSED about time together as a family on family holidays, he would have saved up by now for at least one of these holidays, surely?

I think your obligation ends with inviting them. You are very kindly offering to pay for your own son (and not asking him for 50%). You definitely should give him and his DC the opportunity to come but should not be footing the bill. You paying for half the trip (you and DC) is more than enough for him to pay for the other half. You are saving him half a DC cost.

Just book it. You won't get another year at this price.

If it's the two of you I can't see how anyone can object. And I take my kids loads of places without my husband. I get more leave and work part time so it's much easier for me. It will be really lovely time just the two of you.
I'm sure your step child went away before starting school. I don't see why you should miss out.
Compromise that you both save for a family holiday next year

I wouldn't take a 4 yearold to Disneyland Paris, they won't enjoy it half as much as when they are older. I would suggest by age 8/9 they will be able to enjoy the majority of the rides.
Why not make a plan to go in the future with both DC's give DH a chance to save and contribute.
At 4 years old a trip to a good beach would be more suitable.

@St0rmTr00per

I think your obligation ends with inviting them. You are very kindly offering to pay for your own son (and not asking him for 50%). You definitely should give him and his DC the opportunity to come but should not be footing the bill. You paying for half the trip (you and DC) is more than enough for him to pay for the other half. You are saving him half a DC cost.

Oh thank goodness! I don't get why there are so many people suggesting 50/50 would be a fair way to split it!