Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

Go and take your son, will be more special just you 2. You can always go again in the future and DH can pay for himself and his child. I’m so sick of people saying that when you get with someone with kids you become a family no you don’t . It’s a bonus but that other child isn’t yours and if anyone should pay for it then it’s the mother or father and their other parent.

@Pritty

And admittedly whilst the money is the "main" issue. I would just love to go DS and I.

You weren't even wanting your husband to go? Just you and your son?

Well I think that's fine then. It's not an issue of the step child being left out, it's not a "family holiday", it's just you and your son going away together during term time.

I would absolutely just go.

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself?

personally no i dont think it is really , but then this is the problem of being a step parent , you will always have it thrown in your face that he has children and they cant be left out of anything

You tell him you can only afford to take DS .
If HE wishes to join the trip he needs to fund it.
Keep telling him that your not stopping him going he has TIME to save up to join you.

YANBU, if he wants to go he needs to pay. Especially cheeky considering you were planning on it being just you and DS.

If he wants a family holiday, he should stump up half the cash for it.

I think it is fine for you to go with your son... what wouldn't be fair is if the 3 of you went and left the stepchild behind.

@BoredZelda

If he wants a family holiday, he should stump up half the cash for it.

Why only half?!

It's absolutely NOT unreasonable for you to take your own child on a solo holiday. Your stepchild has a mother who likely does the same for him.

In a family you pool your resources, together.

Which would be great if that were the case. But it isn’t. OP isn’t complaining about using some of her money on a family holiday, she is complaining about using only her money on a family trip. Why should only she pay for her husband and his child to go on holiday? Why isn’t he paying half?

I’m a SM.

Before my DS started school, I took DS on trips just the two of us and DH, DS and I had a holiday in the June.

We also took a school holiday trip each summer with the DSS too.

So IMO, you do not have to take the steps on every trip but you do need to take them on some holidays.

@Pritty
I've only read your posts.. I agree 100% that you should have a trip away alone with your DS...especially since this is the norm for your family.
It's quite annoying when you make plans and then someone jumps on the boat and wants to take over and essentially change the entire trip.( additional people, change of dates of trip, change of dynamic, more than double the cost since DH and DSS will eat lots more food, souvenirs)

With you being away, your DH should look at this time as a chance to do something special with his older DS..just the two of them. Camping, hiking, a trip to the theatre..whatever activity that his youngest DS isn't quite old enough to do( an activity that would change the dynamic if younger son was included in)

We have 3 DC and both DH and I have separately done trips away alone with each of them...it allows each child to have much needed alone time with each parent.
If your DH and DSS go to Disney with you and DS, DS is probably going to end up having to tag along to activities that DSS wants to do instead of getting the chance to enjoy all the experiences in the park meant for younger children. The only way to remedy this is for you to take DS to do the things meant for his age group and DH to take DSS to experiences meant for older people...so you essentially it wouldn't be having much of a "family" experience anyway.

If DH really want DSS to go on a trip to Disney, he should start saving for it and in a few years, the 2 of them can go.
Have a great trip!

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself?

I do think it would be rather cruel to leave your stepson behind. He hasn’t done anything to be excluded - that lies solely on his dad.

I also think your DH needs to PAY HALF OR THE TRIP IS RENEGOTIATED.

As in, you go somewhere where DH can afford or DH comes up with half the money to afford Disney Paris.

FAIR IS FAIR. It most certainly isn’t your responsibility to fund the vacations just because your husband can’t manage his money.
He can pony up or figure out HOW to pony up.
End of discussion. You go where he can afford to pay half, disappointing as it may be to miss Disney (this time). Perhaps he’ll surprise you and come up with the funds — from somewhere.

If he refuses, THEN YOU TAKE YOUR SON TO DISNEY PARIS. ALONE.

This will continue until you stop it from continuing.
I’d certainly put my foot down now while the children are relatively young, or you’re in for a lifetime of this grief.
But a kid shouldn’t suffer for the sins of the father.
When they ask, say, “Ask daddy. He can explain better than I can.” Make him take responsibility for his own [lack of] actions.
I absolutely HATE someone trying to guilt me into something. He comes up with his half for Disney or he comes up with his half for someplace else.
That’s it.
Put up or shut up.

@Havehope21

I think it is fine for you to go with your son... what wouldn't be fair is if the 3 of you went and left the stepchild behind.

NO ONE HAS SUGGESTED ALL THREE GOING AND LEAVING SC BEHIND

Op just wants to take her DC alone without DH and SC since she's footing the entire bill and he wants to contribute 0.

However lots of people have said either go as a family or not at all. Basically you chose this life you now must pay for anything nice twice over because your partner is a sponge under the guise of fammmmilllyyy

ICK

How mental to want to do something nice for DC, saving up the money for it and then getting it ruins by some haphazard twit who can't save money but happy to sponge of his wife and dictate not only when they go, but who with and that the bill increasing dramatically doesn't matter as he's not footing it.

And everyone's backing this thought process. Mental

Why only half?!

Oh FGS! Or whatever appropriate percentage depending on what ratio his salary is to hers or however else they feel is equal given OP said they contribute to the household equally

That better?

You could delay the holiday and save together for it.

I hate to break it to you, but if you wanted to be not tied by finances then you shouldn’t have got married. Because you are now financially tied whether you pretend to be or not.

Anyway to your situation, if you and your son go away then there is no issue at all. The issue is with your husband, he cannot be the parent that goes to Disney with one child and not the other, it is irrelevant that you are paying for it, the other child will not see that or care even if they do. If you want your husband to go then ideally you would jointly find a way to take the other child. You don’t want to do that, fine, but you would have been better marrying a man with no other children as you are always going to have this complication.

Strange that you want to holiday without your dh never mind the dsc. Tell him to take a holiday in the summer holidays with both his dc and you will stay home.

@BoredZelda

Why only half?!

Oh FGS! Or whatever appropriate percentage depending on what ratio his salary is to hers or however else they feel is equal given OP said they contribute to the household equally

That better?

Yes much. Its really important to acknowledge he doesn't get off paying for DC Just becuase of DSC

I get that you have a previous bad experience but 'his' and 'her' money and now 'his' and 'her' holidays doesn't sound like a family to me. In a family you pool your resources, together

I don’t think it’s as simple as looking at it like that. OPs DH has prioritised spending his money on what he considers to be important. If he doesn’t consider family holidays to be important why should op and her ds miss out. Op has prioritised saving her money so she is now in a really good position to fund something lovely with her child.

Surely he realised that holidays would come along - how did he think that would be funded? He has had his fun with his money frittering it away. There’s no way op should pay for the sc and dh to go. Be a lesson for him to stop wasting his money and save a bit of cash.

@DreamTheMoors OP paying half still leaves her very out of pocket, though. She'd be paying more for the summer holidays, and she'd be paying all of the cost of their shared child.

I think it's a bit sad that you don't want your sons dad to go on a family holiday. Finance wise he should be paying his share even if this means he has to pay you back before/after you go.

Nothing wrong with only you and DS going. That way your DSS won’t feel left out and DH doesn’t have to come. Such a shame your DH hasn’t cared enough to save but this is where you are now.

It's so funny how a man can demand OP pay or take his child,
Why isn't a parent allowed to treat their own child.
Oh yeah right he is jealous OP can save,

I’d get a quote for you and ds, then a quote for you all in the school holidays and tell your dh he pays the difference and saves for at least 50% of the spending money. If he refuses then go without him. Hell would freeze over before I funded this out of my own savings if I was in your position.