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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pay?

555 replies

Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:07

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris Blush

OP posts:
JigglyPiggly · 23/01/2022 17:37

Christ

This is a sorry excuse of a relationship

YABU to not want your DSS to go with you

YANBU to not want to pay for them

girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 17:37

@Pritty

Doesn't sound like a family

Doesn't sound like YOUR family.

I've been away loads with DS without him.

That's different if it's a normal scenario for your family.

If he wants DSS to have a holiday he's got plenty of time to save.

ancientgran · 23/01/2022 17:37

There are 3 separate issues:
Dad not saving - well he can start
Taking stepson - dad can save
Not wanting DH with you - I find that hard mainly as when I was a child my parents almost always had separate holidays due to one of them staying home to run the business. I can remember crying on a train as dad waved us off because I wanted him to come, I can remember crying on a plane when mum waved us off, if I think back on holidays the ones that stand out are the ones where both of them were there. Might not bother every child but I'd say think about how it seems to your son.

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 17:38

But yes I do enjoy the mother and son time too so it doesn't bother me going without DH.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 23/01/2022 17:38

It's like with inheritance. My husband is leaving his share to all of his children - ours together and my step child. I am leaving my share to just our children together. Why? Well my step child has a mum of her own and will inherit her share of her assets from her. My step child's mum isn't providing anything for my children so there is no ned for me to provide for hers. Don't get me wrong, I treat my step daughter all the time. I gave her a car even. But I have no obligation to. If I had to give her everything I provide myself through my hard work for my own children, she would be better off than my own children despite me being the hardest worker of all the parents. That wouldn't be fair. That they don't get the full benefit of their parent yet my step child would get the benefit of four (she has a step dad). My children would only benefit from 2 parents. If you rationalise it that way it makes sense that step parents do not have to pay exact same to their step kids as their own kids. The other household isn't chipping in for their siblings (your kids).

girlmom21 · 23/01/2022 17:39

Although, does he pay maintenance? Is that the reason he doesn't save?

AssignedBlobbyAtBirth · 23/01/2022 17:39

Go on your own with DS. It'll be lovely in school time and your last opportunity to go when it's quiet
Your H has a cheek and obviously doesn't care when it's a different trip
Take advantage of cheaper prices and a quieter time. Tell him to save up and you can all go in a couple of years

caprimoon · 23/01/2022 17:40

I don't see anything wrong with you taking your son on your own especially out of the school holidays.

Taking your SC out of the equation, if your DH wanted to join you I'd expect him to pay half. He doesn't have savings so can't!

Money YOU have put aside is not family money IMO.

Alcemeg · 23/01/2022 17:40

Sounds like he wants to be Disney dad, but at your expense. Stick to your original plan!

Rawmum30 · 23/01/2022 17:40

I too would think on the same lines as you, OP.
Not just because you’ve been burnt financially in the past, but because if my husbands non bill money is being spent on things other than his older son, then he shouldn’t then expect me to finance him or my stepson.

It is unfortunate that your husband’s older son will miss out, but that’s not down to you, that’s down to your husband not facilitating it knowing both your finance arrangements are separate.

Is there anyway your ss had to know that you and your small son are going away, whether that’s Disney or anywhere else come to that?

If there’s no need to tell him, don’t!

Do some other pp’s who think your being unreasonable, believe your ss mother should (by the same reckoning) pay for your small son to go on holiday with her and and the 10 year old, coz your son “would miss out”?

Your husband should be putting moneys aside for situations like this.

How the hell can he expect to spend his savings as he wishes, just to have you bail him out for his thoughtlessness?

OP, go on your planned holiday with your son, have a great time, but just don’t flaunt it in front of your ss….. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t, as you come across (to me) as someone who tries to have fair consideration for others.

Ourlady · 23/01/2022 17:41

I would just go with your little one. This will be your last chance to go when it’s not the school holidays and cheaper.
Husband can save up for next year if he wants you all to go together.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 23/01/2022 17:41

GO ON YOUR OWN WITH YOUR SON. If dh wants a whole family holiday then he and his sons mother have to arrange payment between them. Not your child, no reason to take him with you and your son on holiday , that’s as weird as me taking him with my kids!

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 23/01/2022 17:41

@londonmummy1966

I think its fine for just you and DS to go - if DH goes too then his son has to come. Could you defer it until later in the year to give him an opportunity to save? Basically say "I'm going to book to go on 30th June - if you have saved up enough for you and DSS by then then I'll book for the 4 of us PROVIDED you have transferred the funds to my account by then. If not then I'll just book for me and DS to go." If he kicks up at that point just tell him that it obviously wasn't important enough for him to save up for.
This seems a fair approach
APineForestInWinter · 23/01/2022 17:41

This is ridiculous. Your stepson has two parents who can take him on holidays. If your husband doesn't plan holidays then that's his choice. Where does he draw the line, what if your son likes skiing and his son doesn't but might like to try it, you can't do that either?
If you can go to Disney during term time then do so. It'll be a completely different experience.
Apart from anything else, a 4yo and a 10yo may want to go on different rides anyway, so if all four of you went you'd possibly end up separating into two groups "we'll queue for this ride while you go on that one". Each boy may find few rides that they want to go on again and again, and they probably won't have the same favourite rides 😂

Bagamoyo1 · 23/01/2022 17:43

You should definitely go with just your DS. You need to make the most of the pre school holidays - places are cheaper and quieter - such a shame to miss out on that final chance.
Tell your DH that he can start saving now, and in summer next year you can all go together. But for this year, it’ll just be you and DS in term time.

guardiansofthegalaxychocs · 23/01/2022 17:44

Alternatively suggest he saves up and take DSS alone at a later time (and prepare your shared son about this that they’ll both get to go once and it’s his turn now).

Flocon · 23/01/2022 17:44

@LoveMae

I think plan two trips Grin

1, just you and DS before he starts school, you pay 100%

2, all 4 of you, in the hols, DH pays half.

winner winner chicken dinner

Why is DH only expected to pay half in the 2nd holiday? Why are so many people so adamant that because he is paying for his child from his previous relationship he doesn't have to pay for his child from his current one. He should have less spending money for himself as he has two children to spend on.
Darkstar4855 · 23/01/2022 17:44

Can you take your son away during school time then plan a second holiday in the holidays for all of you (with your husband paying half!). We do this - a cheap term time foreign holiday with our toddler then something UK based with both kids in the summer. Last summer we hired a caravan and my partner did go ape, cinema etc. with his son, I did toddler stuff with the little one and then we had family time in the evenings.

Tistheseason17 · 23/01/2022 17:44

Yeah - just go with your DS in term time without DH.

Your DH has a choice - he can save up and pay for himself and his other son to join you or not. He could even plan for it next year... he won't save!

As you have gone away with your DS alone before I think this is perfectly fine. A 4 yr old and 10yr old are worlds apart in terms of what they'll want to do at Disney, too.

Candyss · 23/01/2022 17:45

it is completely up to your DH to fund him and his older son. horribly unfair for you to save and him to be a spender for you to never get the benefit of saving.

Toanewstart22 · 23/01/2022 17:46

@Pritty

But yes I do enjoy the mother and son time too so it doesn't bother me going without DH.
How lovely for… YOU

What about your son?!

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2022 17:47

If I was feeling compromising, I’d find a different but equally special holiday to go on with DS (like Efteling?) this year, and plan to properly address the ‘saving for DP’ in order to go next summer.

Electriq · 23/01/2022 17:47

The answer is pretty simple really, no, you shouldn't be paying for your DH and his child, if your DH wants to come, he takes his child out of school and pays his fair share, or he saves and takes his child in the school holidays on his own.

Scottishflower65 · 23/01/2022 17:47

Go this time just you and DS. Tell DH you will be happy to go again next summer with all of you as that gives him plenty of time to save up for him, half your DS, and all of DSS costs.

TolkiensFallow · 23/01/2022 17:48

I think it’s fine to go just you and your son as a) you’re paying, b) it’s cheaper to go in term time and you might not want to go when it’s expensive and c) to make the most of it with a 4 year old you need to go in term time.

You are perfectly entitle to mum and son quality time. Not everything has to be the whole family.