Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

Because you have separate finances its ok for you to go on your own with your own child. But if things change in future you can't expect him to share his money.

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

This is a ridiculous crap argument.
If he wants to spend ‘family’ money then you both save equal shares.

@MalbecandToast

I'll get flamed for this but if you have children with a man who already had kids, you should accept that you all become a family and should take the sibling.

I agree, anyone with children from a previous relationship comes as a package and you will have to accommodate and sometimes pay for them even if you don't want to, otherwise it causes resentment as in your case, this will never change I'm afraid. You both clearly have different views on money, you a saver, DH isn't, this problem with crop up again and again. Unfortunately you've decided to have a child with him so the decision of this is a deal breaker for the future will be even harder to make

It's not really possible to have completely separate finances if you're married, he's "entitled" to a share of your joint assets.

I also think he can't take one of his children to Disney and not the other, although I understand why you'd want to.

The solution would be for you to go alone with DS as a last chance at a term time holiday.

The point a lot of posters are missing is that finances are separate by agreement because one partner is a saver and one is a splurger. It's not the mumsnet ideal of "all one pot" or "it's all family money" but if that's what's been agreed, that is what governs the holidays.

Presumably if the OP and partner were on the same page financially there would be one pot for everyone's holidays.

But the husband pisses his money up the wall so he can hardly be rewarded by OP giving him a share of her savings as well, plus in a way that means her own "share" also costs more.

So, finances are separate. So for a joint holiday OP should pay for herself and half the cost of the joint child. DH pays the other half plus full cost for himself and SS. If he can't .... he and SS won't be going.

I agree it would be different if OP DH and joint child were going and leaving SS out but why on earth would SS be "left out" of a holiday that neither of his parents were going on or funding?

I have semi separate finances with my husband (I'm frugal and he's profligate) and it works for us. Happily married after nearly 27 years.

One more thing, everything is REALLY expensive there..even a bottle of water cost a fortune (we usually bring our own). And it’s nice to be able to buy the children a little treat or to eat where they want to etc. Would he be able to pay for that for his son, or would it be you as well?

I think you should give your DH the chance to save the money to add himself and his DS to the holiday. If he can't then it's his own fault.

I don't think you should have to pay for your DSS to go, but it would be unfair to exclude him for any other reason.

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself?

I don’t think it is. I can see it being different if your DH was going too but every year I have one weekend away with only one of my children so we get one on one time. Granted they do get equal just not at the same time but I very much doubt you’d be having a one on one holiday with your DSC.
Book your trip and tell DH if he wants a family one in the school holidays you agree to that when he’s saved up half.

DH argument is that we are a family and he needs to put an appropriate amount of money into the savings to benefit his older son

There, fixed that for him.

Have read your update OP and have more understanding of your situation.

If you are used to going on holiday with your son but without your DH then I can understand why you might want this to be the same. I definitely agree that if he wants your stepson to go then he should pay for him. However it sounds as though you really don’t want your DH there regardless of your stepson?

Does the reason you want to go on holiday with only your son have anything to do with your DH having a child from a previous relationship? It sounds as though you see your child as ‘your child’ rather than your shared child.

I just find everything kind of sad. Who pay this and that, holiday without dad is normal etc, as a family. But each to their own.
I don't think you should pay for dss, but since Disney land must be the kind of place dss wants to go as well, sounds kind of mean to go only with your ds, not as a whole family.

I'm another one who's of the opinion that if you marry a man woth dc you accept those dc are part of your family.

What you are really talking about is talking one sibling on a special holiday of a lifetime while leaving the other siblings out. It is unkind.

I think the problem is the idea that, in an interdependent family unit, you can truly have seperate finances. I am not sure you can.

@QuestionsorComments

It's not really possible to have completely separate finances if you're married, he's "entitled" to a share of your joint assets.

I also think he can't take one of his children to Disney and not the other, although I understand why you'd want to.

The solution would be for you to go alone with DS as a last chance at a term time holiday.

That's exactly was planning to do from the start. Go alone with DS.

Well there are months to save so if he wants to go he can save but the real issue is you don't even want him there let alone his son. How would you feel if he said he was going to take your son to something really special but he didn't want you to go, say seeing Santa in Lapland. How would you feel?

You DH has two sons, he'd like both to go to Disneyland Paris. He'd like to go with them and he'd like to contribute nothing financially to that.

That's shitty.

Not clear from your original post, but if your son is your husband's son then I agree with him that the four of you should go as a family and accept the extra cost. If your son is just your son (DH's stepson) then I think it's fine for you to take just him away even if you all live together.
The fact that he doesn't save is a separate issue that the two of you need to address together. There's no point having separate finances if you end up paying for him.

Thinking about it, your SS might not even be particularly interested in Disneyland Paris at 10 ( possibly turning 11 this year). My two ( now 16 and 13) wouldn’t have been at that age.

@Flocon

I think if it's just you and DS that's fine

I think if it is just you and DS it is fine as I'm sure your step child's mum doesn't take your child on all holidays so as to not leave them out. If your husband went that's a bit different as he would then be leaving one of the children out. But you, as with your step child's mum, have no obligation to pay for and take your step child

@LoveMae

I think plan two trips

1, just you and DS before he starts school, you pay 100%

2, all 4 of you, in the hols, DH pays half.

winner winner chicken dinner

This is a good idea ^^

It sounds like you're clear in yourself that you want to take DS alone, without your OH or your SS, to Disneyland.

Sounds like your OH may not be bothered about your SS feeling left out if it were a UK holiday, but would feel left out if it were Disneyland.

I think the finances are a red herring possibly, and the core issue is whether you want to change plan and include your SS in the Disneyland trip. If you do, maybe you could delay it by a few months to give your OH time to save up 50% of the cost. Or if you really want it to be this summer, you could loan him his 50% and agree a repayment plan.

Given the likelihood that dss does trips and things with his own mum, I do not think it unreasonable for you to have a weekend away with yours, just the two of you.

Your hubby presumably has 8 pay cheques between now and the summer to save a reasonable contribution towards the costs of his son's holidays.
If he's keen for a "family" holiday then maybe he too should get into save mode and out of spend mode.

Yanbu and I think it’s perfectly fine to just take ds.

Dh and I pool finances and have from before we married. We also wouldn’t take the kids away without the other parent. BUT this is our arrangement that works for our family. We are both happy to have shared finances and both love going on holiday. It seems as though your dh likes split finances and not joining you on holiday when it suits, but as soon as it doesn’t suit you are expected to cough up for another 2 people. I assume when you have been away previously without dh that he hasn’t offered to pay half for your ds? So why should you be expected to foot the bill for him and his dc? Also, would he expect to be paying for spends or food or will that all come down to you too?

Just take your ds and enjoy the time. Who knows, it might encourage dh to put away some savings of his own and take his dc (although I doubt it).

@Cameleongirl we took ours at 12 & 9 for the first time. They loved it and could go on the scarier rides. I remember getting there and thinking, oh, it’s just a fairground. So much fuss and expense. Alton Towers is better and cheaper!

However it sounds as though you really don’t want your DH there regardless of your stepson?

No it's not actually that. I would be fine if DH came but he wouldn't come without SS, understandably. That would have to be in the school holidays and that just changes the holiday completely as well as the money issue being discussed.

The fact that he hasn't cared previously about SS going shows he literally wants to be "Disney" Dad to SS.... but at your expense.

I think the previous suggestion of giving him a deadline to transfer his ££ to you is a good one.... and act incredulously when he kicks up a fuss as he hasn't got it.

I have 2 DS and have been away with both of them alone.... so it's not that you're leaving your SS out.... you're going away just the two of you, like you always have.