Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

@justyoy

No, it wouldn't be unreasonable in the slightest.

I don't have SC, but I have frequently taken the individual DC away with me - just the two of us. They benefit from being away from one another, and from having time with me. XH did/does the same.

Not everything has to include "all the family" - and that's leaving aside the problem of paying for it (which you should absolutely not be doing for your husband and stepchild, given that you have both agreed to arrange your finances as you describe).

So you have 0 idea of the SC dynamic yet feel your anecdote is useful?

You go with your child. This is perfectly reasonable and what my husband and I do with our kids. If there is something that is prohibitively expensive for the 4 of us 1 parent takes the child to the activity/event for who is is age appropriate.

You and DS is perfect for a trip: or you 4.

Not every DC goes on every jolly with every parent, that’s madness. Especially when one parent wants to be paid for before the finances re the DC are sorted.

DH gets to finance his DC and himself, at the very least, on the hol he can afford.

@Nocutenamesleft

Oh gosh.

So if my step mother had a child and took that child whilst me and my dad were left at home. I’d be so so so sad. Especially Disney land.

Oh gosh. It reminds me of a time when something similar happened and I basically never got over it. My problem. But me and my step mother hate each other.

Did this happen because your dad couldn’t be arsed to save any money, expected your step mother to pay for everything and she said no?

Just go with your child! I think that would be lovely to have some time just you and DS. It’s you paying for it after all. X

Go on your own with your son and let him pay for the family holiday he wants, maybe then he will learn to save up.

Don’t use your money it just shows him he can get what he wants and you pay, which is quite controlling. If you didn’t have the savings (like him) what would he suggest you all do about the holiday?

My husband is the saver and I’m terrible with money, I would never expect him to use what he saves it I wasn’t contributing.

Do you care if you are being unreasonable or not? I don't think you actually are being unreasonable, go with your son and have an amazing time. It would be sad if you had gone with your dh and excluded your stepchild but as your dh isn't going I would say it is fine. I wouldn't expect you to change the whole dynamic of the holiday to include your dh and ss. What I would say is that I too have separate savings from my dh too so take no issue with this but I wouldn't want to bankroll anyone who didn't save themselves but thought it OK to use mine. Your savings don't belong to you both because he isn't sacrificing anything to put towards them. It would be different if he rarely spent on himself and his money went on mortgage, bills and the family. I think that could cause real resentment as it shows him up as being very entitled. I would discuss this if I were in your shoes.

I don't have a stepchild but I am wanting to go to Disneyland Paris with my ds and DP doesn't want to go. I have a voucher from British airways from when I had booked Florida pre covid when DP and I weren't together. I had intended it for a family holiday in Spain but I'm going to use it for its intended purpose of going to Disney as that's what the money I was given originally (that ended up in BA voucher form) was for. Go to Disney your ds and you and have an amazing time

I don’t understand why going to Disney is so different to other holidays, according to some posters. I’ve just remembered that DH took DD to Hong Kong Disneyland while they were away together. DS wasn’t the slightest bit fussed that she went without him and I doubt he even remembers now. Disney isn’t every child’s dream holiday, the SS might not even be bothered.

Given the way your family finances and holiday arrangements work, there’s a simple solution.

You take DS in term time (and really DH should be paying half of DS’s costs, but that’s not likely)

DH saves up to take himself and your stepson in school holidays.

No take your little boy and go.

When you come back have a harsh talk with your husband about him sorting his finances out because it’s not your job to financially bail him out.

This sounds like our family OP. Sometimes I took just me and my own kids away, sometimes DH came and his kids came too, sometimes DH took his kids away, sometimes they went with their mum on holidays.
If they're different ages, different schools, you can't all go on the same trips away at the same time.

I would go away midweek mid term with your DS as cheaply as possible and then go on a family holiday in the summer and your DH can start paying instalments towards his half.

DSS knows he can't come if he's at school.
If he's in year 6 won't he be going away for a week with school? Maybe you could go away then with DS.
Go away all together in the summer or whit week.

@D0lphine. I’ve no idea whether many parents who are together sometimes go on holidays alone with their children, but it’s always worked for us. We don’t do it every year, but we enjoy the one-to-one time and being able to tailor activities to just one child.

Is your husband paying anything toward this holiday for your son you have together because he seems to think it SS don’t go he’s not going, fine that’s up to him.
He still should contribute for your son anyway.

Considering you was only going with your son it’s not an issue just do what you was gonna do to begin with.

Tell him when SS and his mum go away I hope she’s gonna take your little one 😂

And I don’t get why everyone’s so upset that you want to go on holiday with your own child on your own? It’s not like it’s the weirdest thing ever, do people only do things with their partners and have no independent at all? Me and my children did so much on our own over the summer, to say trips and wk ends away, dad’s like a bit of them time too and not all families are joint at the hip.

I haven't read previous posts but quite honestly op, a four year old will not have the same experience or memories of Paris Disney at 4 as they will at 6. The trip is for the parents rather than the child.

Your step child is your step child and that is as non negotiable as bothe children being your partner's children.

If your partner wants both children to go in the school holidays he and you start a savings plan now, with equal contributions over the next couple of years.

For this year, it's Eurocamping in Brittany or something with slides, barbecues and pizza, as a family and you all enjoy it as a family.

@tilltheend99, OP would like that, but her DH won't save any money to pay towards it. Therefore she can only afford to take her own DS out of school holidays as he is only 4.

If you go in school holidays you spend so much time in queues.

@Pritty Sorry OP, but you can't take one child and not the other. Not when you're married and therefore an established family. Regardless of biology, your stepson is part of your family.

HOWEVER - Nope! You should absolutely NOT be expected to pay for it all. 50% max

DH and I often do different stuff with foster son. Friday DH took him to a 1 1/2 hour cricket net session. I stayed home. Saturday morning he took him to another 1 hour session. I stayed home. Thursday Evening I took him to do a 1 hour swimming session and sat in my car reading my book as not allowed in unless swimming with Covid protocol. Today, Sunday I took foster son to 2 hour cricket session. DH stayed home and tidied and got laundry done. Much harder/exhausting if every time FS has an activity, we both have to go. Tuesday DH will drive FS to 1 3/4 karate. I will stay home cook the dinner, throw washing in machine and do a bit of cleaning. In summer we both.like to watch him play matches and take a picnic. Something DH and I go out and FS stays home. Families don't have to do everything together all of the time.

OP is absolutely NBU to want to plan a trip just her and her son. What on earth is the problem with that? And I can't believe how many times OP's had to repeat herself.

Yes, SS might enjoy Disney too but that was never and is not the plan. In any case there's no money for that plan so it's a complete non-starter.

If dad wants to do Disney with both his children then he needs to save for it. In the meantime I see no reason why OP shouldn't have her holiday with DS now and go again as a family when DH has his money in order.

YANBU to just take your son on your own. My DH was going to take DSS away just the 2 of them in 2020 (didn't happen because of covid) but I didn't bat an eyelid about me and DS not going. If he's not in a position to pay for him and his child to go with you then that's his fault. In your situation I would take my DS with no hesitation.

I don’t get this at all.

Why can’t a mother of one take her child on holiday alone?

The father of two can also take both children on holiday alone if he so chooses and can be arsed to save for it

Both DC have a mother each who can take them away on holidays with just them if they are so inclined.

Why exactly should the OP only go on shit holidays with her DC because it might upset DSC?

Presumably DSC may go on fantastic holidays OP’s DS would want to go on, but that’s OK as DSS’s maternal family don’t owe OP’s son anything but OP must spend her life paying for getting together and having a DC with a man who had a child already from a previous relationship. And OP’s DS must also pay penitence by never ever enjoying anything amazing and fun with his mother/maternal family because it might upset his half brother. 🙄

What utter bullcrap, OP go to Disneyland with your child and have fun. Tell your H him and DSS are welcome to join you if they wish, but he’s paying and booking for himself and his older son and half of your shared child’s expenses and ticket too and you’re not moving dates as they suit you.

Go on your own with your son, tell your husband you'll go again when he's saved enough to pay for himself and his son during school holidays. There is no way you should be expected to pay for them simply because your husband won't save to do so. And keep as much finances separate as you possibly can, sounds like you'll need those savings as time goes on.

@Hagpie

You knew you had a bonus child when you met him and I think it is a bit outrageous to take one child and not your other tbh. Dad can come or not but that’s your kid too wtf?? If I was bio mum I’d give half plus money for extras or keep my kid away from you as much as possible so I knew dad and his mrs weren’t playing weird favourites.

Just catching up. But this is a gem.. 🤣so even if my husband didn't come you think I should take SS as well? And I should ask his mother to pay for that?

You're living in fantasy land. Might work for some but I can just picture my SS's mother's face if we suggested I take him on holiday without his Dad and asked she cough up for half.