Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

Of course you can go on holidays with your son, just the two of you.

You are paying for it and go and enjoy it.

Your stepson will be going on holidays with his mom without your son in the future, it’s the same thing.

The problem is your husband, he sounds difficult. All the best.

If dss's mum takes him by himself it softens the blow. I think the issue is Disney. Could you agree to look into doing s family Disney trip in a couple of years if DH sets up a SO into a savings account?

Most have said YBU, mainly for the fact it’s Disney in this scenario if it was a weekend away, Cornwall etc then not as big a deal but posters are telling you it’s unfair because kids dream of going here. It’s baffling me why you can’t/won’t see this, which is why I ask why you’ve posted

"Most" have not said that, and it's baffling to many of us that you can't/won't see that most, or any kids but her own wanting to go to Disney is not OPs problem to solve.

Yes it will cost more but that’s your husbands responsibility, and as others have said he can get a loan or a credit card to pay his sons contribution.

Dh will have to fork out

I think you should pay for you and 1/2 your child. I think your husband should pay for himself, his step child and 1/2 your child. (The idea being the step child his 100% his financial responsibility in this situation.)

All these glib 'the DH will have to...'. It's fairly clear that he can't/won't. Which is why the OP has the problem in the first place.

OP please stop focussing on the few posters who are saying you're an evil step mum, and listen to the majority who say it's fine for just you and DS. And have a lovely time.

The set up in general is a bit different to how most people treat a family with a stepson and a biological son. I think with most families/parents they don't make such a point of there being a difference once they're married. They try not to treat their biological son and their stepchild differently.

But as to the holiday, I understand that Disney is expensive. DH and SS shouldn't come if he can't pay his half.

Is there any way you can pay for it (if stuff needs to be booked) and he could pay you back in installments before you go? And/or he needs to start saving towards the holiday.

I think this is a lovely idea, just go away with you and your son. Amazing memories for you and DS!

As you have said before, you go away all the time so the location is nothing to do with DH or SS... he only cares because it's Disney and that is very sad!

By the sounds of it, the op has been away a number of times with her son, without her DH or SS. This should be no different. Just because it’s Disney, her DH now thinks he and SS should go as well. Perhaps he should save up himself then.

IMO it is perfectly ok for you and your Ds to go away together, paid for by you.

The other alternative is to go en famille with DH snd DSS, BUT in that case DH pays half. Actually more than half because he should pay for himself, his son and contribute to the cost for your joint child.

He has no business expecting you to pay for him, his son and also all the costs for your Ds.

So many people either misreading or misinterpreting the OP, or more likely projecting.

If he wants his son to go at an expensive time he needs to save up for that
I do think all holidays should include both kids especially something really exciting like Disney if it was a long weekend at in wales maybe ok just the two of you but not Disney

How old is your step child and what is he likely to feel about you going to Disney ?

By the sounds of it, the op has been away a number of times with her son, without her DH or SS. This should be no different. Just because it’s Disney, her DH now thinks he and SS should go as well. Perhaps he should save up himself then.

Exactly. If he was so bothered about family holidays and inclusion then he’s had around 3 years of opportunities to save some money and enjoy a family holiday with op. Like you say it’s just because it’s Disney and now he’s trying to use the “we’re a family” card. They were a family last year when op went but that didn’t urge him to save for this year did it?

So he spends his money on whatever but then expects you to pay for their holiday.

Time to give your head a wobble.

@Iloveacurry

By the sounds of it, the op has been away a number of times with her son, without her DH or SS. This should be no different. Just because it’s Disney, her DH now thinks he and SS should go as well. Perhaps he should save up himself then.

That sounds exactly it.

I think it’s really nice going away just the two of you.

And of course it would be lovely for your SS to come. But your husband needs to pay his share.

Op absolutely no way to pay for your stepchild your dh pays you go and enjoy your holiday let him reflect on his financial duties not expect you to pay

[quote aSofaNearYou]@DreamTheMoors OP paying half still leaves her very out of pocket, though. She'd be paying more for the summer holidays, and she'd be paying all of the cost of their shared child.[/quote]
Ah, I see your point.

Still, to expect his wife to rock up and pay for the whole holiday for the four of them infuriates me.

He can, at the VERY LEAST, come up with half, which is certainly not asking much at all. How can he not be embarrassed by his behaviour? I think he must be very used to her paying…

I’d forgotten about the summer rates and not taken into account at all that he should be paying for half their son’s portion as well. Thanks.

YABU

To settle and have children with someone so shit

You'll always have this issue, I hope you know that

Reading this I think the issue is money not your step son. Which I understand - having been in the place where if I was doing anything as family I paid for everyone whilst my ex who was well able to contribute didn't !
This is what needs resolved as it will cause bigger issues - hence I am single - by choice !

@DreamTheMoors Completely agree with you!

Oh gosh.

So if my step mother had a child and took that child whilst me and my dad were left at home. I’d be so so so sad. Especially Disney land.

Oh gosh. It reminds me of a time when something similar happened and I basically never got over it. My problem. But me and my step mother hate each other.

I assume stepson doesn't live with you.

No, it wouldn't be unreasonable in the slightest.

I don't have SC, but I have frequently taken the individual DC away with me - just the two of us. They benefit from being away from one another, and from having time with me. XH did/does the same.

Not everything has to include "all the family" - and that's leaving aside the problem of paying for it (which you should absolutely not be doing for your husband and stepchild, given that you have both agreed to arrange your finances as you describe).

@aSofaNearYou

Most have said YBU, mainly for the fact it’s Disney in this scenario if it was a weekend away, Cornwall etc then not as big a deal but posters are telling you it’s unfair because kids dream of going here. It’s baffling me why you can’t/won’t see this, which is why I ask why you’ve posted

"Most" have not said that, and it's baffling to many of us that you can't/won't see that most, or any kids but her own wanting to go to Disney is not OPs problem to solve.

Sorry by most I meant from those replying. I just think that’s sad, really sad. It doesn’t surprise me we have such dysfunctional adults, dysfunctional relationships and dysfunctional societies with that type of opinion. Of course there’s a million other things that add to that to, but when it comes to blended families, it’s a shame that there’s so many posting in here recently who seem To be doing their best to be the opposite and failing to see the poor children involved who are being shaped by selfish adults along the way. I just couldn’t do that to a child of the family unit I CHOSE to be a part of. But…that’s just me 😬

[quote aSofaNearYou]@DreamTheMoors Completely agree with you! [/quote]
@aSofaNearYou

That might be a first - thanks.

He should ideally pay for his dc, but even if he can't you should go all together, because, yes, you're a family.

@Pritty YANBU

If DH wants his son, your SS to come then he can pay can't he? If he doesn't want to pay/can't pay well that's a shame, maybe next time then right?