Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

No take your son unless your husband pays for himself and older kid. Don't see why your saving and he's not but expects you to pay for the extras.

I also think step child should go, but you definitely shouldn't have to pay extra for them. Dh will have to fork out and in future I probably wouldn't tell Dh how much you have in savings.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you taking your ds away. If your dh wants to join you with his son then he and your dss mum should be paying.

I know several families that holiday with their kids alone for various reasons. It's fine. Go and enjoy yourself!

I am taking my two kids on holiday without their dad in a few weeks and we're married with no step/half/blended family issues. It just worked out that way as I was able to book a cheap term-time holiday around my more flexible working pattern and the fact the kids don't go to school.

It seems a shame to limit fun activities because one parent can't come - are stay at home parents expected not to do anything fun with their pre-schoolers during the day because their partners/older children/step or half siblings can't come?

@Blue09

I think you’re being incredibly selfish tbh. You have two children in your family regardless of whether you like it or not. The holiday you have planned is a dream holiday for children, why on earth would you opt to leave a child in your family out of that?? Yes it will cost more but that’s your husbands responsibility, and as others have said he can get a loan or a credit card to pay his sons contribution.

You’re hiding behind the not to pay question when really you don’t want your stepchild to go with you. That’s what this is really about.

Your son is also not your possession, I’m sure he would love the holiday but why wouldn’t you want to share those precious moments with his dad as well??

I was a stepchild and being left out is not a nice feeling. Stop being selfish and be the adult here. Don’t leave children in your family out.

Wow you’ve completely misread the whole situation 😂

Good grief! People are either totally unable to RTF or unwilling to get the drift because they’re out to troll…
Go to Disney with your child. If he’s that keen then he can forego some of the crap he spends his money on, save up and take SS over summer holidays. Sounds like he could do with some father/son alone time to bond anyway.

I’ve noticed your DH hasn’t suggested saving money of his own, or borrowing it from you. It’s just assumed that you will happily hand it over. That would be a no from me.

I remember being younger. My family could only afford haven holidays and butlins because my mother paid for the holidays and my shit father spent his money. So not to be unfair to my elder brother (dads first child) my mum just paid for us all to go caravan.

My elder brother however would go Orlando every year curtesy of his mother and stepdad. Of course his mother didn't think of us? His half siblings so I used to moan that my mum shouldn't care either

So because my shit broke abusive father made my mum feel bad for not being able to afford my older brother coming if she wanted to take us abroad we got stuck with a few crappy holidays that turned to 0 holidays after we turned 9.

Life isn't fair.

@Hagpie

You knew you had a bonus child when you met him and I think it is a bit outrageous to take one child and not your other tbh. Dad can come or not but that’s your kid too wtf?? If I was bio mum I’d give half plus money for extras or keep my kid away from you as much as possible so I knew dad and his mrs weren’t playing weird favourites.

He's not her kid at all, you won't get anywhere acting ridiculously shocked over something that is obviously not true.

"That's your kid too wtf??", honestly...

@Youcansaythatagainandagain

Everything you've said is relevant to my husband as SS's parent. Not me. I don't have custodial rights over SS.

Yes but why bring the comparison of your SS's mother taking your son on holidays with her family? Your son doesn't spend time living with your DH's ex whereas your SS does spend time living with you and his father?

To me, me going away with DS on my own is no different to my SS's Mum going on her own with him.

You are separating and breaking up a family unit. She isn't as your son doesn't live or stay with her.

I know from many many conversations with my friend who prefers to holiday alone with her son that she sees absolutely nothing wrong with holidaying alone with her son. Her son grew up having a very poor relationship with his father. He's now in his twenties and there is such a lack of respect shown to his father, its actually incredibly sad to see. My friend says this is all due to his father who didn't earn or save enough to accompany them on days out or holidays. To this day, she is blinkered in seeing she played a big part in this by excluding his father from normal family occasions.

So in your opinion I should never go away with my son without my husband and step child?

We have been and will again all go away together. I don't see why I can't do things in between those occasions with my son.

I'm allowed to just be a mother to my son in the same way my SS's mother is to him. That's my point. I'm not saying DH should come and leave SS behind, that I could understand would be hurtful. But I won't be told that I can't just be a mother separately to my only child on occasion.

No, his child so it’s his problem!! Go with your little boy… you have worked hard and saved hard enjoy it without any guilt ☺️

Eek tricky because the step child will no doubt be upset to be left out.

But NO you should not be paying the bill of the holiday.

I don't know?! 🤷‍♀️

Husband is totally wrong expecting you to pay though.

Wow some of these comments 🤦‍♀️

OP did not say they were going away as a family and leaving SS behind.
Yes it is absolutely normal that you can leave your OH at home and go on holiday with your children.
If OP husband can’t save and chooses to spend his money on himself, why do some of you think OP should pay for the holiday?
OP hasn’t said at any point that she has a problem with SS, maybe some of you secretly have SC issues.

Lastly if OPs OH wants to join on holiday he should absolutely put the difference in however I’m in the camp of taking your son in term time (quiet, less queues), also summer holiday in Disneyland can be a nightmare, you’re hot and sweaty and it’s a lot of walking. Maybe suggest to OH that he can come and bring SS but the date you have chosen is the date you are going and SS will need to be taken out of school. Failing that go with your son and arrange a family holiday in summer holidays when your OH has had chance to save up

@thegirlwiththelongblackhair

I remember being younger. My family could only afford haven holidays and butlins because my mother paid for the holidays and my shit father spent his money. So not to be unfair to my elder brother (dads first child) my mum just paid for us all to go caravan.

My elder brother however would go Orlando every year curtesy of his mother and stepdad. Of course his mother didn't think of us? His half siblings so I used to moan that my mum shouldn't care either

So because my shit broke abusive father made my mum feel bad for not being able to afford my older brother coming if she wanted to take us abroad we got stuck with a few crappy holidays that turned to 0 holidays after we turned 9.

Life isn't fair.

This is very important reading for anyone that can't see any further than the "but it's sad for the step child to be left out" angle. There are often other things at stake and needs to be balanced, other people can be negatively affected by the situation, it isn't all about the one person.

@Pritty

Sorry I didn't realise we had to do everything as a family all the time. Mustn't actually ENJOY time one on one with my child. How awful of me 😳

OP why is it you’ve posted in the first place?

Most have said YBU, mainly for the fact it’s Disney in this scenario if it was a weekend away, Cornwall etc then not as big a deal but posters are telling you it’s unfair because kids dream of going here. It’s baffling me why you can’t/won’t see this, which is why I ask why you’ve posted

I think you should go away with your son. Then agree a savings plan that both you and your DH pay in to for a future family holiday for all four of you.

I think it’s odd that you would want to go to somewhere like Disney without your DH - it’s generally seen as a massive Thing for a young child, that both parents want to be part of - it’s not really comparable to a week in Cornwall is it?

That being said, 100% you shouldn’t have to pay for SS.

Maybe plan for summer 2023 so your DH has time to save for both of his children and you go somewhere else with DS this summer.

Just go with your son. This isn't about the money - a quick getaway with your son is ideal. It's about the timing and the type of holiday - as pointed out - what a 4 year old wants and a 10 year old is very different! I've done Disney with a 4 year old and it was great - they took in the sights, met with the characters and just enjoyed the space (cos we went during term time!).

You won't get this chance again - I have quite big gaps between some of my kids and as such we don't always holiday together but that doesn't make us not a "family".

I hope you go and enjoy Disney with the innocence that your 4 year old has.

your husband is the reason you are even in this situation.

it isnt your fault or responsibility to facilitate him and his older child going away if he does not want to save. I really dont understand why you should miss out by being a saver and then not be able to benefit from it. and presumably you are paying for your son to go all by yourself? so DH would not be contributing towards either children if you did end up paying the extra?

interesting...being a step parent doesnt mean you take over the role of the actual parent - he has his mum and dad and his dad should be in charge of things like this if your finances are separate.

aSofaNearYou - this isn’t the scenario here though is it? OP can afford to and it’s not disadvantaging the other sibling….they’d all
Still go to Disney not settle for elsewhere.

@D0lphine

Is it common for parents who are together to go away on their own with their kids without the other partner?

I've never come across this before. Not necessarily saying it's a bad thing!

In my experience it was common. We regularly had weekends away with just our dad or mum and even without our siblings. Usually based around age suitably of the activities. We still had family holidays and did not fall apart as a family unit as some have suggested here.
I think pretty much all my friends families did the same.

@Mummy1232016

aSofaNearYou - this isn’t the scenario here though is it? OP can afford to and it’s not disadvantaging the other sibling….they’d all Still go to Disney not settle for elsewhere.

If she happily gave away most of her savings, yes. Her not wanting to do that is important too.

[quote Cameleongirl]@funinthesun19. Why would it be “wrong”? My DH is father to both our children and he took DD on an amazing trip in Asia pre-pandemic. DS and I were absolutely fine with it. He’s now discussing taking DS on a trip when travel finally gets back to normal.
I have no idea where they’ll decide to go, DS isn’t as interested in travel as DD so it might be a couple of weeks domestically. It’s what suits them.[/quote]
It’s not wrong if the father considers both children at some point no. But that’s not what the other poster was getting at.
She was comparing a mother of one to a father of two. That’s not a fair comparison. Op is allowed to go on holiday with her son without then ever thinking about when she will then take ss away. But the father should think of both children.

Yes go, perhaps he will learn the value of saving.