Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

God I must be the devil. I refuse to go on holiday with my step sons as I don't have the same interests as them. Our holidays are me and my daughter (18), me & husband only or husband takes his boys. It takes allsorts. Don't be pressured into the blended family 'ideal.'

"I think it's just a different set up to others. I've always been a bit of a traveller and have taken DS away before on my own, with family, with friends etc.. whilst DH has been working."
Since you travelling with DS, just the two of you, is the norm then I don't see the problem. You're giving your son a treat before he starts school and that seems like a good idea to me.

"He's not bothered about himself. He just likes the idea of SS being able to go to Disney. If I was talking about going to Cornwall with friends for a week he'd not be arsed."
Well if he likes the idea so much, he should stop spending, save it between now and summer and take his son to Disneyland Paris. Sorted!

"My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so. ... DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son."
If 'we are a family' then Daddy should stop pissing his money up the wall and expecting Mummy to cover his shortfall. It shouldn't matter to him if he has to stop spending his disposable cash on anything-other-than-the-family-holiday-he's arguing-for.

@D0lphine

Firstly the idea of "separate finances" in a marriage is so baffling. When you get married you own everything together. So he owns your savings just as much as you do. You hold all assets together- that's literally what marriage means.

I'm lecturing now but I think people focus on the romance / wedding too much and don't think of the financial side of things!

If you are going to have separate finances, I still think you should go with you, your Husband, your child and your step child.

I think you should pay for you and 1/2 your child.

I think your husband should pay for himself, his step child and 1/2 your child. (The idea being the step child his 100% his financial responsibility in this situation.)

This seems fair.

Except her DH has chosen not to save for things like this, which he surely must have known would be on the horizon, and instead has frittered his money away and expects OP to now foot the bill for him and his son (and half their joint DS). I would be very resentful of that expectation.

How would you feel if your husband took the step child away and left your son behind.

That's your answer.

I have a stepson that lives with me so gets treated the same as my three. I never refer to him as a step son so feels weird to do it here.

Your DH can save and take DSS to Disneyland when he can afford it.

It actually makes some sense to take the children separately in any event. Due to the age difference, you'd spend most of the time doing the little rides and shows with your DS while your husband took DSS on the more exciting stuff. So you'd be split into two 'pairs' anyway. And some of the hotels are more suitable for little kids than others.

Tell your husband to pull his saving socks up and maybe at the end of the year he'll be in a position to take DSS as a pre-Christmas treat. As a nice gesture, you could give DSS a decent chunk of euros to spend in the gift shop when your husband takes him.

Don't feel obliged to pay for your step son. All this blending the family nonsense is silly.

Your husband has two children. I don't see the difference between the mother of one child taking her son away on her own without his father, and the mother of the other child taking her son away without his father. If your DH was going, then I could see how the SS and his mother might be upset, but if your DH isn't going then I don't see how they can have a problem.

The issue of whether you should or shouldn't want your DH to come with you is entirely separate IMO.

How would you feel if your husband took the step child away and left your son behind.

Well that would be wrong of him seeing as he’s dad to both children.

@AnotherSillawithanS

How would you feel if your husband took the step child away and left your son behind.

That's your answer.

I have a stepson that lives with me so gets treated the same as my three. I never refer to him as a step son so feels weird to do it here.

Given the age difference, it makes some sense for the OP's husband to take the children away separately sometimes.

I feel a lot of posters are attacking OP as they are judging the situation according to their relationship and their family dynamic.

OP has clearly stated that they have separate finances. She has also said that she has gone on holiday without husband and presumably stepson. The precedent has been set in their family, so the judgement should be based on the context of their family set up, not yours.

We have a similar setup op. Separate finances because I am a saver, dh is a spender. It works perfectly for us. However dh always has a bit of money tucked away for a family holiday so we do go away together.

I have more holidays than dh which is a perk of my job. So rather than sit at home twiddling my thumbs, I have taken dd away on my own quite a few times while dh had to work. And he paid half towards dds airfare etc.

The only thing I think you are bu for is not asking dh to cough up half of the money for ds ticket. He's going to get time at home child free and then some quality time with just him and his other son. So I have no idea what he's complaining about. He's onto a right winner and is absolutely daft for looking this gift horse in the mouth. If I were him I'd stop questioning the arrangement before you realize he actually should be contributing toward your shared ds' fare for the trip and owing you in time for all the solo child care you will be doing!!

I would stick to your original plan op.You are a traveller who wants to give your child some wonderful experiences.

If your partner wants to take his son then tell him to start saving and fund it. You cannot be expected to change dates or fund your stepson.

Hoping you go and enjoy

@funinthesun19. Why would it be “wrong”? My DH is father to both our children and he took DD on an amazing trip in Asia pre-pandemic. DS and I were absolutely fine with it. He’s now discussing taking DS on a trip when travel finally gets back to normal.
I have no idea where they’ll decide to go, DS isn’t as interested in travel as DD so it might be a couple of weeks domestically. It’s what suits them.

@Haus1234

It’s highly unreasonable to expect you to pay for your DSS when you have separate finances. I do think it’s reasonable to make it a family trip though I’m afraid, any child would be gutted to miss out on Disney (much more than any other holiday) when their sibling got to go.

I disagree a bit. We moved heaven and earth to go to Disney in California, and DS was, at 8, a bit too old to be taken in by the fakery. The rest of us could have been perfectly happy not going.

@OwlinaTree

I think if the dad went without his older child that would be awful.

If just the op and her son go that's ok.

I'm very curious.

Does the step child's mother include her child's half sibling? Would she even think twice about taking her child abroad.

I don't understand why the OP can't go on holiday with her partner and child without the stepchild tbh.

But I think you should go by yourself with your child OP.

I never understand the mumsnet approach to step children. They have their separate lives with their other parent, so it's entirely reasonable not to include them in everything you want to do with your shared child.

Go on your holiday with your ds and have a wonderful time. If your DH wants to come, then he can pay for himself. He should really pay half of your joint child's costs too, but that's a separate issue. You don't have to take DSS if you'd rather enjoy the time with just your shared child, but if you are happy for him to come, then DH can pay.

@funinthesun19

How would you feel if your husband took the step child away and left your son behind.

Well that would be wrong of him seeing as he’s dad to both children.

Since there's a 6 year age gap, I think it's fine for him to do things separately with his DC sometimes so long as there's no overt favouritism. For example, 10yo is unlikely to enjoy Peppa Pig world and 4yo will be too young for lots of stuff. Neither should miss out.

I must be an old fart but I think it is truly bizarre that you want to take your son on a holiday without your husband.

Your money, his money, separate holidays.

It doesn't sound like a comfortable home and, using my magic crystal ball, it won't be long before you both go your own ways. That said, there doesn't seem as if there'll be a lot to disentangle so that's a positive I suppose!

I would go by yourself with your DS. If your DH wants to go and take your DSS then he needs to pay for 50 % minimum if you have separate finances.

You knew you had a bonus child when you met him and I think it is a bit outrageous to take one child and not your other tbh. Dad can come or not but that’s your kid too wtf?? If I was bio mum I’d give half plus money for extras or keep my kid away from you as much as possible so I knew dad and his mrs weren’t playing weird favourites.

Can you take DSS out of school and all go together for a third of the price?

Seems like an easy win to me. Just call in sick for the week for DSS.

however, long-term there's a fundamental problem between you and your DH. Not sure why you married a man who has such a big difference in attitude to money. This is only the start of many many conversations around this topic which will end, probably in divorce.

Dear oh dear OP. You need a better match.

If he's a spender and can't save, then how can you possibly be compatible? You won't ever be on the same page, will you?

I think the main issue here is that your savings are entirely separate to be honest. I've not read the entire thread but surely some sort of shared pot (even if you want to keep the bulk to yourself) would make things easier?!

If it was you, DH and your shared child I would definitely say it's not fair on the step child but your DH should pay the extra cost if he wanted to include him. As you just want to go yourself and your DS I would say just go! If you're paying for the trip it's not really up for discussion is it. I'm sure your step child gets to enjoy trips to places with his mother that your son doesn't go too...... x

Just do it OP and tell DH you can go again as a family another time but he needs to save towards it.

Is it common for parents who are together to go away on their own with their kids without the other partner?

I've never come across this before. Not necessarily saying it's a bad thing!