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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pay?

555 replies

Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:07

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris Blush

OP posts:
Youcansaythatagainandagain · 23/01/2022 19:12

Everything you've said is relevant to my husband as SS's parent. Not me. I don't have custodial rights over SS.

Yes but why bring the comparison of your SS's mother taking your son on holidays with her family? Your son doesn't spend time living with your DH's ex whereas your SS does spend time living with you and his father?

To me, me going away with DS on my own is no different to my SS's Mum going on her own with him.

You are separating and breaking up a family unit. She isn't as your son doesn't live or stay with her.

I know from many many conversations with my friend who prefers to holiday alone with her son that she sees absolutely nothing wrong with holidaying alone with her son. Her son grew up having a very poor relationship with his father. He's now in his twenties and there is such a lack of respect shown to his father, its actually incredibly sad to see. My friend says this is all due to his father who didn't earn or save enough to accompany them on days out or holidays. To this day, she is blinkered in seeing she played a big part in this by excluding his father from normal family occasions.

Howshouldibehave · 23/01/2022 19:12

I’d go and just take your son.

Your DH can’t decide to not save himself, but then just dip into your savings for stuff he fancies!

narcdad · 23/01/2022 19:12

Op I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting to go alone with your son (and husband if he wants). Me personally wouldn't want to take a step child with me on every family holiday with my child. Especially as I had to pay the additional cost.

Gonnagetgoing · 23/01/2022 19:13

If your DH offered eg via a document to borrow the money off you and pay you back I’d agree. Why does he want stepson to go to Disney Paris now? Is it because he’d be jealous (SS) if he couldn’t go and you and your DC and DH did go?

Croissantly · 23/01/2022 19:13

@Lolamento

If you were a man here the answer would be different about separate finances.
If the thread was about a bloke wanting to go to disneyland without his wife he'd be handed his arse on a platter! Let alone anything about step children.
CollieCali · 23/01/2022 19:13

YABU

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 23/01/2022 19:14

DH was like this when we first got together, even when I earned less I always saved more. Friends used to think it was odd we'd split restaurant bills and say I owe you for such and such, but frankly I wasn't subsidising his spendy ways when I was making sacrifices/decisions to save or have money for trips etc. This was before we were married and pre DC. Now he's better but if it's in his bank he still spends it, we have a joint account that all bills come out of (I contribute more but same proportion of income, I now out earn him and not because he doesn't work hard). We then put money in various saving pots and have exactly the same personal spends. It means he can fritter to his heart's content and I have a little separate savings pot just for me, so occasionally will splurge on something I want, go away for the weekend with just friends etc.

In your scenario the ONLY way I would accommodate his wishes would be with the caveat that from now on you pay x amount extra each month and that goes into a joint savings pot for joint expenses, it doesn't have to be as much as you save now and you could still have your own pot too. It would have to be clear what that money could be used for and it was not for his spending whims.

Nowayoutonlydown · 23/01/2022 19:15

In that case, I'd view it less as not wanting to take your step child, but more that you don't want to take your partner and pay his way, which is reasonable.

He needs to meet his cost of going, then if you're happy to do so, split the cost of the step child attending.

What I would say is, if you're going in term time, you'll not only br saving money, but saving time in queues, and extra faffing with finding somewhere to eat/drink. You'll lose a certain amount of freedom in your day with higher park attendance.

He needs to figure out if he can work with the dates you want to go, especially with SCs school term dates.

I love Disneyland paris, and it's a great time...

If you do choose to go when your partner has asked, look into annual passes, and hotel deals, and maybe he could even drive and ferry over.... can save a huge chunk.

In 2019 we had APs, and it cost us less than 4 days tickets would have cost, we had 5 trips over, costing about £400 each time we went for hotel, fuel, ferry and spends... really hoping for another annual pass when my baby is born, and hopefully the travel stuffs a bit more certain

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 19:15

that definitely creates a them and us atmosphere in the household. they don't have to do everything together. They are a them and an us. Their "unit" is the 4 of them, but also dad and DSC are a unit and dad and his two children are a unit and mum and DC are a unit and mum and dad and DC are a unit. "Blended families" are more like an evolving Venn diagram than one solid lump. And that's ok.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 23/01/2022 19:16

Is it because he’d be jealous (SS) if he couldn’t go and you and your DC and DH did go?

Of course the SS would be hurt if his Daddy went to Disneyland with ONE of his children.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 19:16

Does DH even like Disney?

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 23/01/2022 19:16

Also Disneyland Paris is rubbish and expensive, take him to Efteling

aSofaNearYou · 23/01/2022 19:17

@Shinypog

To me, me going away with DS on my own is no different to my SS's Mum going on her own with him

Its odd you don't see yourself as a family unit with DH and his child though, just leave him and be alone all of the time with your son, also wouldn't need to worry about thinking about your step son- sounds like a win.

It isn't odd at all.

It isn't an appealing prospect because of scenarios exactly like this. She probably would be more keen to be fully entwined with him if he didn't have significant expenses he would not be careful not to burden OP with.

That's the reality in a lot of step families. If you have kids and you are irresponsible with money so those expenses would end up your partner's, then it's quite likely people will be willing to be with you but not in the fully enmeshed way we see in some nuclear families.

Batoutofhell70 · 23/01/2022 19:17

You should go. A Disney trip won't be fun with both due to the age difference. SS won't want to go on the same rides as DS. You can't fit everything in as it is let alone with 2 different aged groups.

If your DH wants his DS to go on hols he needs to save. I take my DD away all the time with a friend because SS is waaay older. He's had amazing holidays before we Dane along so I don't feel guilty. Your DS shouldn't miss out

C152 · 23/01/2022 19:17

Why does he think you should pay for a family of 4 to go on holiday? If he wants to go all together, I don't think that's such a big issue, though you are right it will change the dynamic of the holiday; but if everyone goes, the cost should be split 50:50.

There's nothing wrong with wanting some time alone with your DS, doing something fun; just as there's nothing wrong with your DH doing the same at another time, or one or both of you having breaks away alone.

Also, you shouldn't feel guilt tripped into not using your money on other people. You have separate finances. If your DH refuses to save, then he doesn't get to go on expensive trips.

LethargicActress · 23/01/2022 19:18

As you want to go on your own without your DH, there is no problem whatsoever.

If your DH were to go on holiday, especially to Disney with only one of his children, then you’d both be very much in the wrong. But if your DH isn’t going then he has the perfect opportunity to spend some one on one time with his older son. If he wants a family holiday, then he should be motivated to provide that without you having to say you’re going away alone first, and he shouldn’t be expecting you to pay for it all.

funinthesun19 · 23/01/2022 19:18

@Youcansaythatagainandagain

Would it fine if SS's mum took him without our son then?

This is not relevant as presumably SS''s mother doesn't have custodial rights of your son and your son does not spend time or have a bed there in an effort to maintain a relationship with her?

Of course it’s relevant.

Neither woman is a parent to the other woman’s child. They are both well within their rights to do whatever ever they want with their own respective children without thinking about the other child.

Cameleongirl · 23/01/2022 19:19

@Pritty

Sorry I didn't realise we had to do everything as a family all the time. Mustn't actually ENJOY time one on one with my child. How awful of me 😳
Yes, @Pritty, there’s a definite undertone from some posters that those of us who don’t always holiday as a family unit are weird and have poor family dynamics! It’s simply not true, at least in my family. We treat our children as individuals and have taken trips with them alone that interest them. As well as family trips. all together. It’s completely fine.
MrsLargeEmbodied · 23/01/2022 19:22

i think you should be able to go, just you and ds, to disney for the weekend
keep it low key
out of season

Undertheoldlindentree · 23/01/2022 19:22

You (just you), go with your son as it fits the finances/savings and holiday situation this year. Your DH can do something fun with his son in the school holidays.

Meanwhile you can start planning and saving for a joint trip for all four of you in the school holidays next year. Eurocamp or similar with waterpark and day trip to Disney?

aSofaNearYou · 23/01/2022 19:22

@Lolamento

If you were a man here the answer would be different about separate finances.
Only if there was an imbalance where one party wasn't working to look after the kid. I'm guessing that isn't happening here.
BoredZelda · 23/01/2022 19:25

I hate to break it to you, but if you wanted to be not tied by finances then you shouldn’t have got married. Because you are now financially tied whether you pretend to be or not.

Not at all. Savings can be exempt from divorce settlements.

And even those that aren’t, when I’ve used my savings to set up in my new property in the event of a split, they won’t be there as part of a settlement. It makes absolute sense for people to have their own savings accounts separate from family finances.

BoredZelda · 23/01/2022 19:27

If you were a man here the answer would be different about separate finances

Only if you were a man, secreting away money in an offshore account simply because you wanted to avoid it going to your spouse in the event of a divorce.

Otherwise the answer would be the same.

Blue09 · 23/01/2022 19:29

I think you’re being incredibly selfish tbh. You have two children in your family regardless of whether you like it or not. The holiday you have planned is a dream holiday for children, why on earth would you opt to leave a child in your family out of that??
Yes it will cost more but that’s your husbands responsibility, and as others have said he can get a loan or a credit card to pay his sons contribution.

You’re hiding behind the not to pay question when really you don’t want your stepchild to go with you. That’s what this is really about.

Your son is also not your possession, I’m sure he would love the holiday but why wouldn’t you want to share those precious moments with his dad as well??

I was a stepchild and being left out is not a nice feeling. Stop being selfish and be the adult here. Don’t leave children in your family out.

2022success · 23/01/2022 19:29

YANBU at all OP and I don't know why you are getting a bad time over this.

It's a shame DSS father cannot be arsed to save enough money to take him on holiday, but it's absolutely nothing to do with you.

I would take DS on your own. Perhaps this might be the wake up call DH needs to stop being so selfish?