Not to pay?

[Pritty]

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris

Until you die, you both own the money in savings together no you don't. Not unless it's in a joint savings account.

@Shinypog

It sounds like an odd set up all round to be honest, regardless of what others think it seems to be in line with what you do as a family anyway- separate finances and separate holidays. Sounds a pretty miserable way to live though, would it not be more appealing if it was always just you and your son?

It's not miserable at all. I've never even said we've never holiday'd together. We have! Including with SS, before and after DS was born.

I just like to go away for weekends etc.. quite a bit and have done so many a time without DH. I've been with my parents, with my friends, alone. I love it! And I love the time with my son.

He's not really a big holiday person so it's what works for us 🤷‍♀️

When you're married you become a unit. If my partner was short on money or needed help financially I'm their to help and vice versa. If i had the money i would have no problem contributing more to the holiday than my partner as they would do the same for me. Its not exactly good for family relations leaving behind your husband and the other child. Although, with respect i have no idea why your husband would not be able to save enough money to go to Disneyland Paris in 6/7 months time if he's working?

If someone ever told me I couldn't take my child on holiday, unless I also took theirs, they'd get short-shrift from me.
I'm sure his ex can take her (their) child on holiday without consulting you.

Just go without him. It might motivate him to save for potential future family holidays.

I guess my feeling is if a couple is going to have separate finances, then each pays for or saves what they want (after agreed upon 'regular' expenses are paid) according to their own priorities. Isn't that the point of separate finances in the first place? Because a couple has different priorities and/or can't agree on what to do with the 'leftover' money? If A wants to save up for holidays and B doesn't, then B doesn't go on the holidays. They didn't contribute to them, why should they benefit from them?

If A wishes to 'gift' B with a holiday (or any extra expense) and then it's up to A to decide how much they choose to spend. If B isn't happy with A's budget they need to contribute the difference. It's not up to B to dictate what or how much A spends, not even for a stepchild.

In this situation, I'd just go with my child on my own since DH can't afford to pay for himself and his child.

@Babyvenusplant

I get what you mean about the money but I think its a bit sad you didn't want your husband to go on this holiday with you originally

I think that too. We have just one DS (young adult now) and DH would have been really upset if I'd taken him to Disney Paris without him at that age. And we did go incidentally.

Would it fine if SS's mum took him without our son then?

This is not relevant as presumably SS''s mother doesn't have custodial rights of your son and your son does not spend time or have a bed there in an effort to maintain a relationship with her?

When you're married you become a unit you don't become so intertwined that you are inseparable or accountable for the others actions.

@Pritty

The stepchild should definitely go

So it would be really unreasonable for me to just want to take DS by myself?

Yes, you should accept the stepson as part of the family. Who does that going to Disney and leaving the stepson behind? Poor child 👦 YABU. Your husband or his mother should pay for him but the point is the callousness of leaving him out the trip.

@Youcansaythatagainandagain

Would it fine if SS's mum took him without our son then?

This is not relevant as presumably SS''s mother doesn't have custodial rights of your son and your son does not spend time or have a bed there in an effort to maintain a relationship with her?

Everything you've said is relevant to my husband as SS's parent. Not me. I don't have custodial rights over SS.

To me, me going away with DS on my own is no different to my SS's Mum going on her own with him.

You have separate finances. You both need to pay your way for stuff like this. This is how you've chosen to organise your finances. The trade-off of this is that your DH 'benefits' because you don't regulate how he spends his money. That means he doesn't get to tell you how to spend your money either.

If you all go on this trip:

• You should pay for you.
• Your DH should pay for himself and DSS.
• You and your DH should split the cost of your DC.

If he can't afford to do this, he can save, put it on a credit card or take out a loan.

Or you and your DC go on your own.

Would it fine if SS's mum took him without our son then?

Yes it would because your DS is nothing to do with her.

@Shinypog

Would it fine if SS's mum took him without our son then?

Yes it would because your DS is nothing to do with her.

Why is me going on holiday alone with my son any different?

To me, me going away with DS on my own is no different to my SS's Mum going on her own with him

Its odd you don't see yourself as a family unit with DH and his child though, just leave him and be alone all of the time with your son, also wouldn't need to worry about thinking about your step son- sounds like a win.

@Shinypog

To me, me going away with DS on my own is no different to my SS's Mum going on her own with him

Its odd you don't see yourself as a family unit with DH and his child though, just leave him and be alone all of the time with your son, also wouldn't need to worry about thinking about your step son- sounds like a win.

I don't want to be alone "all of the time" with my son. But I am surely allowed to enjoy some things alone with my son?

Do you never enjoy alone time with your children one on one? How sad.

I vote go for it and go with DS. Your husband needs to manage his money better, if he can’t afford it than tough. He earns the same salary as you so he can’t even say you earn more than him

@OneSolitaryCornflake

When you're married you become a unit you don't become so intertwined that you are inseparable or accountable for the others actions.

No but its not normal to go to somewhere like disneyland without one of your other young children and your husband 🤣 that definitely creates a them and us atmosphere in the household.

Yes I do, but I wouldn't do disneyland which is super exciting for a child without DH, we like creating memories like that as a family.

Sorry I didn't realise we had to do everything as a family all the time. Mustn't actually ENJOY time one on one with my child. How awful of me 😳

YANBU. You've got separate finances. You should pay for yourself and 50% for your ds. Your dh pays for himself and the other half of your ds. If he wants his other ds to come he pays 100% for him. Simple as.

What people forget is that you have gone without things, luxuries as all the bills are split and you pay for your half, to accumulate your savings. Your dh has spent his, presumably in himself or his dc, so he's already had the benefit of 'his' spare cash. I don't understand why he thinks it's acceptable to spend your 'spare cash' on him and his ds.

If you wanted to and were happy to, then great, but if it comes to a large proportion of your savings, and you're not happy, then tough shit for your dh. He should have saved some of his disposable money.

YANBU. As you said your finances are separate and you researched and planned a holiday based on what you could afford from your finances. If DH wants to arrange a different holiday he needs to contribute the money for that.

He cannot expect you to wipe out a huge chunk of your savings now if finances have always been separate. If he wants to do a family holiday, tell him you can arrange it for next summer in order for you both to save the money needed.

@Goldbar

You have separate finances. You both need to pay your way for stuff like this. This is how you've chosen to organise your finances. The trade-off of this is that your DH 'benefits' because you don't regulate how he spends his money. That means he doesn't get to tell you how to spend your money either.

If you all go on this trip:

• You should pay for you.
• Your DH should pay for himself and DSS.
• You and your DH should split the cost of your DC.

If he can't afford to do this, he can save, put it on a credit card or take out a loan.

Or you and your DC go on your own.

Completely agree with this.

I don't get all the hand wringing from others this is the set up her DH chose.

Sorry but your DH is being a bit of an entitled selfish person expecting you to pay for his son’s holiday. As a PP said it should be him paying and his ex wife. If you were feeling generous, had a special scenario (eg staying in relatives holiday home for free, windfall etc and you offered to pay or contribute to your stepson going then lovely but not using your savings when DH can’t be arsed to save himself. In fact though this wouldn’t be a dealbreaker I’d probably think hard for future with him if he didn’t resolve it and made a big deal out of you not paying.

If you were a man here the answer would be different about separate finances.

I mean if you don't even want to go with your husband of course you aren't arsed about going with your step son. I'm not sure what you're hoping for in this thread other than validation as you've made your mind up anyway !