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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pay?

555 replies

Pritty · 23/01/2022 16:07

Me and DH have separate finances. I went through a really horrible time in a previous relationship financially, I won't go into all the details here but I can't bear the thought of my finances being tied to someone else ever again or not having access to money when I need it.

I'm a saver, my husband isn't. But with both contribute equally to the household so I don't concern myself with it in the main.

After the last two years with Covid I wanted to treat my son to a holiday this summer. He'd be just 4 by the time it comes around so not in school yet. Found something relatively cheap and have been speaking to DH about it.

Here's the AIBU...

My husband has a child from a previous relationship who is my step child and obviously my son's half sibling.

My husband basically wants to go in the summer holidays all together but the only way to afford this is for me to use the savings I have accumulated to do so.

It wouldn't wipe them out but it would be a big chunk of it, more than I'm comfortable with. DH would be able to contribute some but not all of the additional cost.

Adding two more people and going in the summer holidays makes the holiday triple the price (and admittedly it's a different dynamic than I'd hoped for).

DH argument is that we are a family and it shouldn't matter to me if I have to spend some of my money on his older son.

And yes it's Disney Paris Blush

OP posts:
OniferousWasp · 23/01/2022 18:25

@Peppapigforlife

Different opinion here but why don't you see if step son's mum will pay for him and cover the cost of it being in school holidays and leave your DH at home? If she doesn't want to, you haven't done anything wrong by going just you and your son.
Confused
moomee12 · 23/01/2022 18:26

Why can't DH save up and pay for him and DSS?

funinthesun19 · 23/01/2022 18:26

If DH really want DSS to go on a trip to Disney, he should start saving for it and in a few years, the 2 of them can go.

He needs to take both of his children on any holidays he goes on as he’s father to both of them. So it can’t just be the 2 of them or else only one of his children is getting a holiday with their father. He doesn’t “owe” his older child a holiday if op takes his younger one on holiday.

Both children get holidays with their own mums.
Both children should go away with their shared father.

sweepthenmop · 23/01/2022 18:29

I took each of my children for a holiday before they started school - just the two of us, no DH and no siblings. Loved every minute of them.
Of course you can take your son away.

Agree with pp that if DH goes then your DSS should go too, but that's a holiday for another time.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/01/2022 18:31

This has to cut both ways. If he wants you act more like a family, he needs to save appropriately. So he needs to open an account so you both have money for holiday / roof falling in.

So if you do it, he needs to pay you back, fixed payments over 3-6 months.

Octopi · 23/01/2022 18:33

Would DS not want his dad there? I find going on any holiday weird but each to their own, but disneyland is a special one, does he have chance to save?

stingofthebutterfly · 23/01/2022 18:33

A just turned 4 year old won't give a toss whether you're at Disney or 10 minutes down the road. Seems a lot of money for something that will be underappreciated. Book something cheaper and go as a family, stepchild and all.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/01/2022 18:34

Why did you marry him? Thats the quickest way to lose all your money.

Shinypog · 23/01/2022 18:35

It sounds like an odd set up all round to be honest, regardless of what others think it seems to be in line with what you do as a family anyway- separate finances and separate holidays. Sounds a pretty miserable way to live though, would it not be more appealing if it was always just you and your son?

soundsystem · 23/01/2022 18:35

You and DS going is absolutely fine. You, DH and DS going and leaving DSS out would be mean, but that's what not what you're suggesting.

(I have 3DC and have taken them individually for overnights/weekends so not a step-family issue I don't think.)

KatharinaRosalie · 23/01/2022 18:35

He can't have it both ways - happily spending all his money and then having his eye on your savings.

mummykel16 · 23/01/2022 18:37

@MalbecandToast

I'll get flamed for this but if you have children with a man who already had kids, you should accept that you all become a family and should take the sibling.
Agreed, it seems like punishing the child , strange marriage
Daleksatemyshed · 23/01/2022 18:39

Your money, you choose how to spend it. If your DH can't be bothered to save money to take his DC away, then that's his problem, no way should you be paying for him and the DSC just because he can't be asked.

Willyoujustbequiet · 23/01/2022 18:40

I wouldn't personally. I think Disney is a massive deal for kids and it's unfair for one child of the family to go but not the other.

It just smacks of a them and us scenario. Not what a family is really about in my view.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/01/2022 18:41

I’m sure your ds will love Disneyland and even more when he gets older. Perhaps suggest to your dh you go alone this year and he saves for future holidays to do together.

cheekychaplin · 23/01/2022 18:42

@MalbecandToast

I'll get flamed for this but if you have children with a man who already had kids, you should accept that you all become a family and should take the sibling.

Take, yes. Pay for? No. That's the SC parents responsibility, no one else's.

Youcansaythatagainandagain · 23/01/2022 18:46

Go with your DS alone. If your DH goes, then your stepson should definitely go too.

FWIW I wouldn't make a habit of this though. A friend of mine refused to pay for her husband to go on holidays as he was out of work and later didn't earn enough or save enough. She went on two holidays a year alone with their son. Her son grew up having a very poor relationship with his Dad. They have no shared memories and her son has very little respect for his father.

caringcarer · 23/01/2022 18:48

Just you and DS go. Don't let DP spoil it for you noth. Let DP know he and SC's Mum need to pay for DSC. If he starts saving now perhaps DSC can be taken at a later date. He literally can't expect to spend his own money on himself then make you spend hours on him and DSC. He is trying to control how you spend your own money.

D0lphine · 23/01/2022 18:48

Firstly the idea of "separate finances" in a marriage is so baffling. When you get married you own everything together. So he owns your savings just as much as you do. You hold all assets together- that's literally what marriage means.

I'm lecturing now but I think people focus on the romance / wedding too much and don't think of the financial side of things!

If you are going to have separate finances, I still think you should go with you, your Husband, your child and your step child.

I think you should pay for you and 1/2 your child.

I think your husband should pay for himself, his step child and 1/2 your child. (The idea being the step child his 100% his financial responsibility in this situation.)

This seems fair.

OneSolitaryCornflake · 23/01/2022 18:50

Firstly the idea of "separate finances" in a marriage is so baffling. When you get married you own everything together. So he owns your savings just as much as you do. You hold all assets together- that's literally what marriage means. no it's not. You can have a savings account in your own name and leave it to someone else when you die.

BreakingGood45 · 23/01/2022 18:53

I love the idea of you and your son having holidays just the 2 of you. I need to do more of that. Enjoy Disneyland with your son. Your OH can save up and you all can go as a family during the summer holidays next time.

Unsure33 · 23/01/2022 18:54

I think you going with your son on his own , no problem..

And to me it’s simple if your Dh and ss want to go then he pays for it .

Simples.

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 18:55

@QuitMoaning

My exH took his young children away on holiday without our son. He actually told our son, he couldn’t afford to take him as it would have to be during school holidays so more expensive.

So our son was left behind.
He was devastated and neither of us have forgotten it. I had to spend a lot of time telling our son that he was lucky as he got to go away with me and his half brothers couldn’t.

However I don’t know how to address the financial disparity in your relationship and holiday contribution as that wasn’t relevant in my scenario.

My husband isn't going without SS. The original plan was me and DS ALONE.

Like if you took your son away by himself without his half siblings. What's the difference?

OP posts:
D0lphine · 23/01/2022 18:55

@OneSolitaryCornflake

Firstly the idea of "separate finances" in a marriage is so baffling. When you get married you own everything together. So he owns your savings just as much as you do. You hold all assets together- that's literally what marriage means. no it's not. You can have a savings account in your own name and leave it to someone else when you die.
Great, well OP when you die you can leave your savings to who you want if you haven't given it to Mickey Mouse before then 🤣🤣😂

Until you die, you both own the money in savings together.

Original poster
Pritty · 23/01/2022 18:56

@Willyoujustbequiet

I wouldn't personally. I think Disney is a massive deal for kids and it's unfair for one child of the family to go but not the other.

It just smacks of a them and us scenario. Not what a family is really about in my view.

Would it fine if SS's mum took him without our son then?
OP posts:
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