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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to DP a percentage of my business..

233 replies

purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 11:03

This is a complicated one...been with DP for 2 and a half years. When I met him, I was new to a niche and exploring it. He was already in the field and that along with many other things was part of the attraction for both of us. He was teaching others how to do this niche but on a very small scale when he met me. I've got marketing and a lot of working history and was also a uni lecturer so have formalised the teaching and structured the curriculum and just made it better as well as built out marketing.

After a while, I started teaching too, it made sense. However, my business took off more as I do more to promote. I've guided him through this and supported but I can't do it for him and he hasn't met me halfway. He's a bit bitter because I'm getting more clients in and wants a commission out of every client I get as I'm 'competiton'. My view on this is that you don't charge your partner commission you are happy that they are able to pay their bills and care for their children - especially when they are also helping you with your business and helping it to scale. I also feel like if he's charging me for his help, I should then be able to charge him for my marketing/business support - he doesn't really agree with this but agrees that he does need help with that. I have to do a lot of work with these clients and his workload doesn't increase the more clients I get so why get a commission?

We are 100% financially separate. I live alone and he stays more than half the week but doesn't pay bills or anything. He will get food and contributes for food shop but I don't feel like this is enough.

Because of that, I'm feeling resentful about commission thing I feel like as he is wayyyy better off than me with less outgoings, and wants to build a future with me, he shouldn't be charging me...I recognise the value he brings it don't feel like he recognises or values what I bring - because he hasn't engaged with it properly but has seen the results I get by doing what I've tried to get him to do.

I don't know what's right or wrong in this situation. I'm feeling more resentful everyday. He's a lovely guy in all other aspects but finances is a big deal for me. I was made redundant last year so this is what's allowing me to survive!

AIBU? Am I selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 16:50

@mumofone2019 you summed it up well!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 23/01/2022 16:51

@purpleroses100

And just to make it clear, he 100% adds value and he is much more knowledgeable than me in this. However, the business side he is not so good in and I don't feel like he understand that both parts are essential to a successful business. He's very fixated on the fact that 'he brought the table' so should get a commission - but the business/marketing side is what gets the clients in but he doesn't value that as much, I don't think....
Is there any reason you didn't ever want this to be a proper formal business partnership as you're in the same field?

It seems a weird setup all round

Bringsexyback · 23/01/2022 16:51

Honestly I just bloody pack up his bits and bobs stick them in a box outside and block him he’s a cheeky fucker and it’s his loss not yours

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 23/01/2022 16:52

There’s a surprise.

See them running shoes I mentioned…?

If he wanted commission he should have asked for it at the outset. But he was fine as long as you were helping him. And paying to keep him half the month.

Be glad he has shown his true colours before you went into business with him or married him.

Best wishes for your business.

Nanny0gg · 23/01/2022 16:54

@purpleroses100

Spoke to him. It was a disaster. He said I'm his competition and thinks a commission of every client is necessary. He said it's his IP that I've taken and I'm trying to get him out the picture and only I earn from it.

Ultimately we both feel how we feel and this has been a reoccurring issue between us. I don't feel like he's in it for the long haul and he doesn't see me as his equal. He can keep the commission but won't be getting anything else from me going forwards.

Thanks girls :-(

Whilst I think he is a freeloader from the home situation and I don't know why you've accepted it all this time, I can see why he might think you've stolen his original idea and cut him out.
ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 16:56

I was asking would she have to pay someone else if she didn’t use him?…

She's said upthread that she is considering hiring another mentor, @Honeyroar.

For what it’s worth, my husband has helped out in my new business no end over the last few months and hasn’t expected a penny. But I will have to employ someone to do it in the near future as I can’t expect him to keep helping forever.

That's nice.

OP's partner, however, expects her to pay for his help.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 16:59

@Turkey98

There is just one bit that is concerning OP - you indicated that your business is independent of his, but you have used his IP and improved upon it.

If I have read this correctly, then YABU.

If you have used anything of his IP in your business, then anything your business does that is derived from it - even if over time it is unrecognisable, is based on a license that he sets the terms of.

You are in effect a franchise - and you do need to pay him commission or whatever other terms he sets - your job is to do the whole business, but you have to pay for the license & he can stop licensing to you as well.

If you were a Burger King franchise and then decided to leave and use their IP as the basis of your own business model, then you would be in hot water as well.

If on the other hand he has freely given you information and advice but you have developed everything yourself from scratch - then that is different.

She paid him for consultancy - as have others businesses he consults to.

So she's not ripping off his IP, just as his other clients aren't.

GabriellaMontez · 23/01/2022 17:01

Not sure why he considers it his IP. You were both already in the business. You didn't steal his invention. As you said in your OP he's bitter.

I'm in the same business as DP. We both have enough work and manage to pass some between us ocassionally. Sometimes help each other out at events. It's good for us both. We each give a leg up.

I also suggest running shoes.

Original poster
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 17:01

@randommess "If he's your best relationship seems like your previous ones were awful and likely abusive."

They were....

Lots of stuff to think about here.....thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 17:08

@nanny0gg

We'd only been together a few months when this started...I fell into it, I wasn't planning to start a business around it. I had a failed business at the time and then found I loved what I was doing, I was informally teaching people anyway and then started a social media account around it and it grew from there....we never sat down and fleshed it out and how it would work...

OP posts:
CerealKiller22 · 23/01/2022 17:23

You don't pay commission to your competition just because you happen to be doing well in the same market. That is not how business works, even between 2 'friendly' competitors.

You've both given each other a lot of support here, but for some reason he appears not to grasp what you are sharing with him, whereas you seem to be thriving off what you've learnt and are reaping the rewards for your efforts. His lack of business skills is not your fault and you shouldn't be held accountable for it.

Gas he offered to pay you commission on all the extra clients you found him? Doubt it, he is being a CF.

JamieNorthlife · 23/01/2022 17:30

OP, he only had 2 clients and now has 50??? So, he was not running a successful business when you met him. Has he paid you for all the advice, help and white label copies you gave him?

He is deluded, lots of people have business ideas but cannot implement or start businesses that give a return.... He had a hobby, not a business.

One more thing, he may be confused about how IP works. IP is not the same as a registered patent.

You learned a skill, changed, updated, improved it and have a completely targeted audience. You are not his competition.

What would he do if others start working on this same business?

He cant charge his previous student's commission in retrospect. So why is he charging you?

He can update his terms of business and have a non compete clause for all future contracts. Until there anyone that learns can use the knowledge and improve the service/product.

It seems that you put in a lot of hours and you don't owe him anything. you need to reflect if you want to carry on with this relationship. He seems insecure and unreasonable.

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2022 17:30

All this talk of ‘IP’ - can you clarify, OP, exactly what you’ve used that could count as intellectual property?

Intellectual Property covers inventions via patents, trademarks to protect brands, or copyright for written or artistic work.

It doesn’t protect ‘ideas’.

Unless you’ve been using his word-for-word copyrighted text, or his trademarked brand of training, or whatever, it’s probably not IP…

ButtockUp · 23/01/2022 17:30

As well as counselling I'd seek advice re Intellectual Property too.
It can potentially be a legal minefield. ( Says someone who knew someone who had legal issues regarding this issue.)

AffIt · 23/01/2022 17:31

I would draw a line under this now, and use an external vendor/consultant (and pay them accordingly) for any ongoing support you need.

Ensure that you aren't explicitly reusing any of your DP's IP without express permission (I assume there is nothing in writing about reuse/reproduction).

I learned a hard lesson some years ago about mixing business with family/relationships: basically, it rarely ends well. Keep these things separate.

Newestname002 · 23/01/2022 17:31

@purpleroses100

Spoke to him. It was a disaster. He said I'm his competition and thinks a commission of every client is necessary. He said it's his IP that I've taken and I'm trying to get him out the picture and only I earn from it.

Ultimately we both feel how we feel and this has been a reoccurring issue between us. I don't feel like he's in it for the long haul and he doesn't see me as his equal. He can keep the commission but won't be getting anything else from me going forwards.

Thanks girls :-(

A shame, OP, but this was very much in the cards given how resentful he's been, despite his not taking your good example or advice on strategy or marketing and lack of admission that you've helped him increase the number of his clients from 2 to 50. He's pretty much taken all you've given him so far (including the comforts of your home) and still resents you for it.

I hope you will really consider having a complete break from him, both of the business side and the emotional side, and restructure your own business more independently. And also to consider if there's any future with him at all.

Then take some personal professional therapy for yourself if that's at all possible, to talk through how your past relationship(s) have affected this one and how you can avoid this situation again in the future. Good luck OP - I really think you'll do well in the future for yourself and your children. 🌹

candycane222 · 23/01/2022 17:31

I think maybe he was cross with himself for not having achieved what you achieved, but putting in the graft like you suggested was 'beneath him' so he managed to convince himself that his input to your business was so valuable, that in fact your business kind of was his creation anyway, so clearly in his mind, he should be earning a slice. This way he managed to maintain the fiction in his own mind that your success was down to him, and money came to him from you on the strength of his marvellousness (and of course any day now his business is going to take off too, not that he needs to do those annoying efforty marketing things you have been going on about.)

This way he gets to tell himself he is not lazy, that actually he has set up a valuable business( the one that you run) so your success is his, and his ego can remain plump and undented. Anyhow that's mh interpretation of events. Though it looks as though that may all be academic by now...

Hawkins001 · 23/01/2022 17:33

Offer him to contribute more to your bills and living costs then see if he is happy for you to use the profits instead,

But bottom.line, it's business sink or swim, he needs to do more, not expect you to top up his lack of profits.

mumofone2019 · 23/01/2022 17:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 17:50

He did most of the work developing the curriculum that both your businesses sell

Er ... he didn't.
OP redeveloped & rebranded her own business model, for her niche women-only company.

She also rebranded his: on the strength of her expertise, his business grew from 2 clients prior to her input, to 50 after.

He also offers the same advice/consultancy/mentoring to other businesses. However - he's not chasing those businesses for commission.

It's almost as if he thinks his romantic association with OP means he can exploit her goodwill ...

I would guess that helping him develop his business also gave you useful contacts that you wouldn't have had before.
Again - nope.
OP's expertise is in getting the contacts. She has won him exponentially more new clients than he had without her branding & marketing acumen.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 17:52

@RandomMess

Then just say you taught me £x and I paid for it like everyone else. I have let you have all the materials I developed afterwards for free.

I am not paying you a penny more you don't expect it of anyone else you've taught so why do you expect it from me?

Put it back on him to justify why he treats you worse than every other paying customer he has taught.

Spot-on, Random.
ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 17:57

And going forwards, I've changed the model as it no longer works for me. I won't need his help going forwards. I'm also helping him to implement this new model and creating all materials for him also so he will have more time to himself also.....

The first bit is great Purple.

But for the love of dog, stop doing the second bit!
He's taking you for a mug.

He possibly doesn't even acknowledge to himself that he's mugging you off.
If he's still screwed up about getting taken for a ride (says he ...) by his previous partner, & is so arrogant & entitled he believes his input is more valuable than yours, & so obtuse that he doesn't see the need to contribute to the costs of his part-time cocklodging ... it's easy to see that he thinks he's justified.

That's not good in either a biz partner OR a romantic one.

ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 18:04

@purpleroses100

Spoke to him. It was a disaster. He said I'm his competition and thinks a commission of every client is necessary. He said it's his IP that I've taken and I'm trying to get him out the picture and only I earn from it.

Ultimately we both feel how we feel and this has been a reoccurring issue between us. I don't feel like he's in it for the long haul and he doesn't see me as his equal. He can keep the commission but won't be getting anything else from me going forwards.

Thanks girls :-(

He's got such a fucking cheek.

What's a complete marketing overhaul & rebrand if it's not Intellectual Property? Why does he think marketing agencies are so wary at pitches, & cover themselves in legalese to prevent IP infringements?

Of course he's not in it for the long haul.
He's a user.
Everything he said to you above is projection.
He's ripped you off for marketing, gained 48 clients from it, & is accusing you of angling to "get him out of the picture"?

I so hope you sack him off.
He's a drain on you - & you are doing far too much for his business, for either nothing, or minimum wage. Please stop accepting his double standards.

Original poster
purpleroses100 · 23/01/2022 18:05

@chargingbuck it's literally that. There was no educational resources at all. I wrote and researched everything and made it something that could benefit us both - just have to be rebranded - which I did for him too. It would cost him thousands to do what I did for him - built websites, branding, business coaching - list goes on.

I've told him to pick, me or the commission - and no further business help from me in the future. I feel a relief from this as now I feel like I can go 100% without feeling apologetic for my success.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 23/01/2022 18:07

He can keep the commission but won't be getting anything else from me going forwards.

Keep the commission?!
Why?
He hasn't earned it, he's just browbeaten you into paying commission on your clients, while convincing you that there isn't even a case for him paying you commission on the clients you won him.

Apologies OP, I don't want you to feel harangued!
But please find a good counsellor, & sort out how you came to be the person who is giving so much, & receiving so little.