To not want to DP a percentage of my business..

[purpleroses100]

This is a complicated one...been with DP for 2 and a half years. When I met him, I was new to a niche and exploring it. He was already in the field and that along with many other things was part of the attraction for both of us. He was teaching others how to do this niche but on a very small scale when he met me. I've got marketing and a lot of working history and was also a uni lecturer so have formalised the teaching and structured the curriculum and just made it better as well as built out marketing.

After a while, I started teaching too, it made sense. However, my business took off more as I do more to promote. I've guided him through this and supported but I can't do it for him and he hasn't met me halfway. He's a bit bitter because I'm getting more clients in and wants a commission out of every client I get as I'm 'competiton'. My view on this is that you don't charge your partner commission you are happy that they are able to pay their bills and care for their children - especially when they are also helping you with your business and helping it to scale. I also feel like if he's charging me for his help, I should then be able to charge him for my marketing/business support - he doesn't really agree with this but agrees that he does need help with that. I have to do a lot of work with these clients and his workload doesn't increase the more clients I get so why get a commission?

We are 100% financially separate. I live alone and he stays more than half the week but doesn't pay bills or anything. He will get food and contributes for food shop but I don't feel like this is enough.

Because of that, I'm feeling resentful about commission thing I feel like as he is wayyyy better off than me with less outgoings, and wants to build a future with me, he shouldn't be charging me...I recognise the value he brings it don't feel like he recognises or values what I bring - because he hasn't engaged with it properly but has seen the results I get by doing what I've tried to get him to do.

I don't know what's right or wrong in this situation. I'm feeling more resentful everyday. He's a lovely guy in all other aspects but finances is a big deal for me. I was made redundant last year so this is what's allowing me to survive!

AIBU? Am I selfish?

@purpleroses100 You actually sound like a strong independent woman. You just need to believe it.

I would actually invoice each other for time/services at standard price. Keep business separate from relationship. I wouldn't have him over half the week for no contribution either.

Time for fair boundaries & stop letting him take advantage. Believe in yourself!

This is so frustrating to read! Please don’t go into a joint business with him.

It’s strange that you say that in every other way he is great. It’s as if because this is centred around business, it means you don’t think it reflects what he’s like as a partner.

The rest of us think that he’s a self aggrandising tightwad, and there no cure for that.

I agree with PPs you need to separate your business altogether not for financial reasons but to keep your personal relationship going, and obviously seek professional support in the future elsewhere. The whole set up sounds too complicated atm.

I wonder will he separate business side completely for the sake of your personal relationship? His answer will show you if he’s such a good partner.

You think that if he hears this from a councillor, then he might see sense. Like you think it’s reasonable that he would value a stranger’s opinion more than yours?

[quote purpleroses100]@hakunamata

The amount I'd have to charge him to make it worthwhile for me, he wouldn't pay. I haven't been able to find him someone who can do it as a reasonable price and where I wouldn't have to spend hours teaching them the basics.

His business/marketing skills aren't that great tbh..he has great ideas but can't implement them whereas I can...

We've actually had an idea for a joint business that ties in with what we are doing but I'm hesitant to actually start the business as I think he will want more % than me or half but I'll be doing most the work....

I want him to win and do well....but this commission he wants from he really uninspires me to go out of my way for him anymore [/quote]
So he doesnt want to pay the required amount to get an experienced person to market his business? He views you as cheap labour?

If you have used anything of his IP in your business, then anything your business does that is derived from it - even if over time it is unrecognisable, is based on a license that he sets the terms of.

This would be true IF that's how it was set up, but the dp had no concept of this, there was no licence. There was no suggestiong that OP should pay a training fee or a mentoring fee. There was no suggestion of a transactional business model - until he saw how succcesful OP is.

You are in effect a franchise - and you do need to pay him commission or whatever other terms he sets - your job is to do the whole business, but you have to pay for the license & he can stop licensing to you as well.

That's not what has happened here. In a franchise the dp would have established the business model, the marketing materials, the branding. In fact the reverse of this has happened. OP has taken a product idea and developed it into a much more marketable product.

I have to say in a situation like this I’d be tempted to say that from now on, I will seek expert advice somewhere else (pay for it whatever, like any other business).
I’d also tell him he needs to find his own support re marketing. (And yes it will cost money. Up to him to decide if his business is worth it!)

Actually, now that you have given more details about the businesses, I am not sure that he doesn't have a point that his contribution to your busines is greater than your contribution to his business.

He did most of the work developing the curriculum that both your businesses sell, the core of your businesses. It's his IP. You are selling his product. His IP is the business. Your contribution to his business was to help him sell the product but you have done more to further your own business selling his product in direct competition with him. It's all very well saying that your market is women but that is 50% of his market. You have benefited more from this. You will continue to benefit from his curriculum for free but he won't continue to benefit from your marketing expertise and he has been paying for it, albeit at a reduced rate.

You say you could have done it yourself but he has saved you a huge amount of time and money. It would have taken you much longer to learn about the field and develop your own curriculum and training materials rather than just improving on his, especially if you needed to work to support yourself while your developed the business idea. I would guess that helping him develop his business also gave you useful contacts that you wouldn't have had before.

He was an idiot to let you use his curriculum for free and train you but I assume he did it because he cared about you and thought you were a partnership (in life, not business) with a long term future so it would benefit both of you. Partners wouldn't normally set up in business in competition with each other.

If you had combined your skills together as business partners, it would have been better for the business and for both of you. You don't technically owe him anything from a business point of view. It was his mistake to let you use his IP. Morally, as his partner, it's not great.

I imagine that he is kicking himself that he didn't hire someone to do your work. Then he would have owned the improvements you made to the curriculum and he wouldn't have set up a direct competitor selling an identical product in exchange for some help in business development for a couple of years.

Didn't read the entire thread.....

In my life, I've noticed that men often think that whatever they are doing is much much more important/ skilled than anything the woman is doing

So my dad would be in the garage, doing something, but would ask my mum to bring him something from the house. Even though she was in the middle of baking bread for the week, or cooking dinner. Didn't matter- his man-stuff was more important.

I've seen this many times in my own life, as an adult. We see it all over the MN boards in some version.
Woman is working/ looking after children/ has a hobby etc, but those things must take a backseat to their Much More Important activity.

This is the same. You brought skills, expertise, but they are not as valuable as his.
It isn't about work

Thanks @chesirecat99

I've thought about that before...he has taught me stuff 100% - however, there was no curriculum before me, there was no structure, I went an research more and created the educational format and curriculum we both use now.

Because we are partners, it complicates stuff as I if it was business it would be clear cut. He teaches other people this info and any one of those people could start teaching themselves and pay him their normal rate and he would be done the wiser.

Ideally we would have been in business together but that idea never came up in the start...now I love what I do, the business encompasses all my past experience too which is why I'm doing better- along with him not promoting himself like I advise and support him with..

Then just say you taught me £x and I paid for it like everyone else. I have let you have all the materials I developed afterwards for free.

I am not paying you a penny more you don't expect it of anyone else you've taught so why do you expect it from me?

Put it back on him to justify why he treats you worse than every other paying customer he has taught.

I encourage him to hire someone to help but he doesn't know how to find someone and they'd prob charge more than he's willing to pay.

And going forwards, I've changed the model as it no longer works for me. I won't need his help going forwards. I'm also helping him to implement this new model and creating all materials for him also so he will have more time to himself also.....

I give a lot to him but sometimes I feel like he fights it either because he is lazy or thinks he knows best...then gets resentful that I'm getting clients......It's so frustrating for me because I can't do it all for him and then I'm not working on my business and that's what pays the bills and looks after me and my kids

Stop helping him OP. Why should you do all the graft here?

Just tell him to run his own Fing business his way and you'll run yours and you are not paying commission anymore.

You have paid him in your time and assistance a thousand times over but he is so ENTITLED he still wants more.

He is not kind and supportive he's lazy, entitled, selfish.

I'm going to have the talk with him this evening and lay it out...be my relationship partner or business partner (not that it's a partnership atm!)

Something has to change as I'll start losing respect for him and then we are deffo doomed!

He’s not getting you clients though, is he? He’s not actively finding you new clients.
Otherwise he’d do it for his own business which isn’t successful.
So commission is bullshit.
Stop discussing it. Just say you should both charge each other for work done from now on, and draw a line.
And don’t spoon feed him your idea and materials either, not free of charge.

He doesn't want to live together because he doesn't want to pay half (and risk losing it)

But he wants to stay half the week and not pay anything.

Has he suggested chipping in for costs while he's there? Or was he too busy thinking of reasons you should be giving him money.

[quote purpleroses100]@mangobiscuit - no he hasn't help with leads or emails - that's all me.

His help has been to teach me stuff initially when I was still new to the subject and he's there if I have questions from clients that I'm not so experienced in.

I'm very good at what I do and I've taught myself a lot - beyond what he taught me. As I created the curriculum and teaching materials this added to my knowledge ans I've grown my own network in this area...[/quote]
This sounds like the person who gives a writer an "idea" for a book, then expects the writer to give them half the profits, despite not writing or publishing it themselves.

I don't think you should be business partners. I think that would be a disaster. You keep talking about how much stuff you do for him to the detriment of your own work and family, so becoming partners would not resolve that issue, it would exacerbate it. It sounds like it's better if you stick to keeping your businesses separate. Don't ask him for stuff BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY STOP "FIXING" HIS BUSINESS WHEN HE NEITHER ASKS YOU TO NOR WANTS YOU TO!!!

I don’t think this relationship has a future if you’re bickering like this over who owns what money after 2.5 years together. I think you’d be better off working on your business alone and leaving him to it.

@purpleroses100

I'm going to have the talk with him this evening and lay it out...be my relationship partner or business partner (not that it's a partnership atm!)

Something has to change as I'll start losing respect for him and then we are deffo doomed!

I'm not sure that it will be possible to sustain a personal relationship if you are working in competition.

It isn't easy to sustain a relationship in business with your partner (I speak from experience) but it could work. You would have to be on equal terms and set out who would do what, not think in terms of who is contributing the most value, only that the amount of time working is equal, and be working for your joint benefit as a couple for it to work. I wouldn't do it if you aren't absolutely 100% committed to the relationship and confident you have a future together. You also need a plan for the business if you split and can't work together any more that you are both happy with and that is legally enforceable. That won't be easy...

Just coming on to say absolutely don’t offer to be his business partner.

He doesn’t know how to run a business, is doing a poor job of it, and can’t see correct practice when it’s presented to him.

He would not be a sensible choice of business partner - you’d be better off paying the commission until you change your setup.

Spoke to him. It was a disaster. He said I'm his competition and thinks a commission of every client is necessary. He said it's his IP that I've taken and I'm trying to get him out the picture and only I earn from it.

Ultimately we both feel how we feel and this has been a reoccurring issue between us. I don't feel like he's in it for the long haul and he doesn't see me as his equal. He can keep the commission but won't be getting anything else from me going forwards.

Thanks girls :-(

If he wanted commission, he should have agreed that with you up front. He only wants it now because he's jealous your business is doing so well. And apparently doesn't seem to value anything you actually bring to him as part of this relationship.