Lying mother and favouritism

[Giraffesandbottoms]

I am absolutely raging and not sure how to proceed. My mother has a golden child, my eldest brother (A). He cuts people out of his life for minor slights - currently he is not speaking to me and one other brother (B). As he is the favourite my mother basically takes him out for lunch frequently with the other brother (C) he is talking to. We all live round the corner so it’s not a proximity thing.

Anyway yesterday my mother was at my house, trying to book a restaurant for brother A and his family. Fine. today brother C was supposed to come round, but has clearly now been invited to this lunch and feels this is a “better offer” so is trying to change the time without explaining why. I messaged my mother about this and, after saying it’s not her fault C is so rude, she is suddenly saying it’s a surprise birthday lunch for C (a month before his birthday).

Obviously she’s lying to me. But even if she weren’t AIBU to have had enough of never getting invited to any lunches because of brother A?? It’s absolute bullshit, surely?

How do people deal with this favouritism?

Also I’m sorry for complicated post - too many brothers.

Dont do anything for the moment as it will all be made out to be your fault. I am you in my own family dynamic. I have been trying to meet them with the same energy they have for me. Just tell c that what time he suggests doesn't suit and you'll see him another time. Remove yourself from situations that don't make you feel good......easier said than done I find!

Also it suits them not to see it the way you do.

@Teaandtoastedbiscuits

After an exchange with him where I kept explaining I can’t do other times as I had planned around him coming at 1, I’ve basically texted C saying “is this because you’ve been invited for lunch with A and mother?”

My mother and I have had a very unpleasant exchange where she ignores in every way how unfair these lunches are and just says things like “your messages are ruining my day” “just because you’re having a fight with DH don’t take it out on me” and, my favourite “you have to ruin C’s birthday lunch!”

Unfortunately I was too late to follow your (very accurate advice). It is sad as she is a decent and involved grandmother but this is so hurtful.

YANBU to find this hurtful but she won't change

I am pleased that this post makes sense though!

Make yourself less available. None of them have your interests do they? Stop trying to be so nice!! Cook for nice people instead!!

@Santahasjoinedww

I will stop being nice for sure.

The problem is every time I pull back a bit she then makes an effort so I fall for it and soften. She is free to pop round whenever etc.

I went nc with my dm when I realised how much she negatively affected my mh. I let her back (after she flounced when I called her out) - after 10 years!! She spent a year trying to play favourites between my 3 dc (that she hadn't known previously).. I went nc again and for good. Been 10 years again. Won't be going there again.

I’m sorry you’ve been through similar @Santahasjoinedww and @Teaandtoastedbiscuits

I went NC with her before and I think it was too much but I will have to drop contact significantly and back off

Why is your mother organising lunches for a brother who isn't speaking to you at your house? Does she not know about the fall out? If she does that's pretty tackless and slightly goady behaviour. Her response to your other brother's letting you down is pretty unenpathetic too. I suspect she enjoys her children falling out.

Divide and conquer is the technique of a very dysfunctional parent. My mother was like that and as a result me and my siblings are NC, we're all NC with my mother. You can't fix this dynamic but you can take control of your part by staying out of it. Unfortunately you won't change any of the other parties and their participation in this game

@Dacquoise

Sorry, the lunch is not at my house!

I meant being at your house but organising a lunch for an estranged brother in front of you. Seems quite tackless. Why didn't she do away from you? My mother loved to rub my nose in things, ie they're not speaking to you but they're speaking to me.

@Dacquoise

100% like your mother she was enjoying rubbing my nose in it. She didn’t directly say what she was doing but made it clear “I need to see if X restaurant has high chairs” etc etc

Completely goady behaviour. A normal parent would be trying to build bridges between her children or discreetly organise to see them.

Would you benefit from joining the Stately Homes thread on Relationships? Posters on there totally understand this dynamic. I wish I could offer advice to help you but unfortunately this stuff is ingrained from childhood and almost impossible to change.

It feels crap doesn't it, being dismissed and feeling powerless?

The best thing you can do, I found, is 'neither a borrower nor a lender be'. I don't give to them, any more than I want to do, in terms of time, energy, and effort, and I don't look for any from them.

It means it's so much harder for them to get a rise out of you, and you don't resent doing what you do for them, because you only do what you want, when you want, if you want. They tend to feel frightfully hard done by, because it takes all the fun and feelings of having received fealty from you out of it - which just makes it that much more fucking fun for you!

But I'm a cold hard bitch. Finally, lol!

So difficult not to get pulled back 8n, but is this the relationship style you want to model to your dc? I think, hard as it is, I’d be pulling back from your dm. She’s playing favourites and that’s just not fair. Organising a brother’s birthday meal in YOUR house knowing you aren’t speaking to him is pretty provocative. I would actually have stopped that and told her to go home. If she can’t treat you all equally, I wouldn’t want her near my kids.

Walk away from all this bullshit for your own sanity, and however much it hurts inside, don't let in to them, they WANT to upset you so the lack of any reaction from you completely ruins it for them. Took me years to work that out for myself but the yeah whatever reaction is seriously powerful.

The thing is you say she is a decent grandmother but if she is disrespecting you then she is NOT a decent grandmother. She’s showing your children, either overtly or covertly, that you are not to be respected or listened to. What happens when they are older and she starts playing them off against you or each other?

She wont change op. Ignore if you can. My mother is goady then took it out on my kid at xmas. Tin biscuits for a teenager. I agree this goading/favourite child is lousy

@Dacquoise

It feels crap doesn't it, being dismissed and feeling powerless

Exactly this! Will check out stately homes, thank you

@Mary46

Wow that’s horrible

C came round for a bit and then had to leave to go to the lunch. He said to me “the scheduling conflict is not mummy’s fault, it’s mine”.

I looked him dead in the eyes and said “do you think it’s fair she has taken you and A to 30-40 lunches last year and me to none?”

Him “…no”

Me “do you think it’s ok to lie to me and pretend it’s a birthday party? Or to have a birthday party for you and not invite me?”

Him “…no”

Me “do you think it’s ok to come round and plan a lunch I’m not invited to at my house?”

Him “…no”

Me “and yes, by the way, when you make a commitment around coming round, you don’t then cut it short because something better comes along. But at least you came at all I suppose”.

What more is there to say? I really appreciate the posts on here as it has strengthened my resolve and made me feel for sure I am not being unreasonable, despite all her messages saying I’ve ruined her day and I’m being silly etc

Particularly upsetting her saying I’m taking my marriage troubles out on her. I won’t be confiding in her again.

Good for you for sticking up for yourself. How does your other left-out sibling handle it?

His situation is slightly different as my mother lent him a lot of money he’s refusing to pay back, so there’s a bit more of a reason why people are annoyed with him. But equally he just gets on with it all/has had to accept it.

C’s girlfriend was supposed to come round but “had the flu so was too sick”. DH has just walked past the restaurant and she’s there! What the fuck!

Seriously your mother will play favourites between your DC themselves and cousins as well. Divide and conquer is her MO.

If you aren't ready for NC really truly distance yourself. No more dropping in when she has nothing better to do or because she wants to see the DC.stop accepting the scraps she offers.