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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying mother and favouritism

151 replies

Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 09:11

I am absolutely raging and not sure how to proceed. My mother has a golden child, my eldest brother (A). He cuts people out of his life for minor slights - currently he is not speaking to me and one other brother (B). As he is the favourite my mother basically takes him out for lunch frequently with the other brother (C) he is talking to. We all live round the corner so it’s not a proximity thing.

Anyway yesterday my mother was at my house, trying to book a restaurant for brother A and his family. Fine. today brother C was supposed to come round, but has clearly now been invited to this lunch and feels this is a “better offer” so is trying to change the time without explaining why. I messaged my mother about this and, after saying it’s not her fault C is so rude, she is suddenly saying it’s a surprise birthday lunch for C (a month before his birthday).

Obviously she’s lying to me. But even if she weren’t AIBU to have had enough of never getting invited to any lunches because of brother A?? It’s absolute bullshit, surely?

How do people deal with this favouritism?

Also I’m sorry for complicated post - too many brothers.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 23/01/2022 16:51

@Giraffesandbottoms

I also don’t want to just go LC without making it clear I know they’ve lied.

OP they KNOW they've lied and excluded you. They don't actually care and are all looking after their own interests- eg staying "In" with the people who are not being left out in the cold.

You initiating anything at all will be seen as abusive and "unfair" by them. After all, how can they possibly be in the wrong? Also your mother and the golden child will get a frisson that you've been hurt by their actions.

Step way back, keep your own counsel and be as unavailable (including mentally) and distant as you can manage. As someone upthread said, 'grey rock' the heck out of them. Strength to you my dear. 🌹

watchingrnfire · 23/01/2022 17:34

So why can't your mum arrange lunches that include you and c. Or just with you, as mother daughter.
I don't know how you've managed to keep contact with her, if my mum had continually done that, I would've gone no contact and told her fully well why

watchingrnfire · 23/01/2022 17:38

I think say to C that your very disappointed that he told a big lie to your face when his gf was at the lunch so clearly not sick! You don't need to tell him your dh saw.
C will cover it up with more lies, but let him. Don't bother with him either. What kind of brother is he, if he can't be on your side and tell his mother to also invite his sister as it's not fair. A good decent brother would do that.
Seems like they all just care for themselves

watchingrnfire · 23/01/2022 17:41

I actually feel really angry on your behalf. Seems like your the only daughter of the family? It's disgusting that you've been treated this way not just by your mother but also your brothers.

Let your mother have the time of her life with her sons, let her know where you stand in all of this, as why should she get the benefit of using you when it pleases her. What kind of mother is she that she hasn't even attempted to build bridges amongst her children

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 18:03

Honestly I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes - it’s all just so inexplicable. I’m just horrified by the whole situation. I know it sounds stupid but the unfairness of the lunches literally only just dawned on me this morning. Just like it’s absurd she hasn’t just invited everybody and told A to come or not come rather than acquiescing!

I will Google grey rock.

Lying mother and favouritism
OP posts:
Dacquoise · 23/01/2022 18:15

As @Newestname002 said, they are all part of a dysfunctional entangled mess that doesn't tolerate honesty or integrity. My brother threw me under the bus continually until he went NC with our mother. Suddenly it was all about aunts and uncles and cousins being important despite ignoring me for ten years whilst he was part of my mother's in crowd.

Turned up on my doorstep. I waved him away. My finest moment after decades of being the family scapegoat. Op may not be ready for full NC but the penny is dropping. I sincerely hope you get to the point of 'meh' indifference to your family. It's so liberating.

firstworldproblems88 · 23/01/2022 18:27

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@Santahasjoinedww

That’s a great response[/quote]
No. It really isn't. The simple fact is they don't care about you or your feelings. You're thinking in your head that if someone made comments to you that were similar it would hurt your feelings. They are not you. They do not care. You can convey your hurt a thousand times. You will be the drama queen. You will give them something to talk about amongst themselves to reinforce the fact it's you at fault. Step away. Do not engage. You will not get what you want. Ever.

firstworldproblems88 · 23/01/2022 18:28

@Giraffesandbottoms

Honestly I feel like I’m losing my mind sometimes - it’s all just so inexplicable. I’m just horrified by the whole situation. I know it sounds stupid but the unfairness of the lunches literally only just dawned on me this morning. Just like it’s absurd she hasn’t just invited everybody and told A to come or not come rather than acquiescing!

I will Google grey rock.

They do not care. Step away. Disengage.
subsy1 · 23/01/2022 18:46

@Giraffesandbottoms

His situation is slightly different as my mother lent him a lot of money he’s refusing to pay back, so there’s a bit more of a reason why people are annoyed with him. But equally he just gets on with it all/has had to accept it.

C’s girlfriend was supposed to come round but “had the flu so was too sick”. DH has just walked past the restaurant and she’s there! What the fuck!

I hope you "popped round" with chicken soup, care package and were shocked to find that she was not home? And perhaps called Brother C to check whether he knew where she was.
NumberTheory · 23/01/2022 18:47

Grey rock is a good technique, especially if you need practice at enforcing boundaries. But if you find it a bit too rigid, another thing I’ve seen recommended on here that seems a bit more workable with families is [https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill medium chill] which might also be worth looking into.

NumberTheory · 23/01/2022 18:48

Sorry, clickable link medium chill

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 18:54

@NumberTheory

Thank you - will read!

OP posts:
Iputthetrampintrampoline · 23/01/2022 19:04

OP I say this not to be harsh but maybe to shake a bit of realism into you. Non of this is healthy, non of this is normal, People will only treat you as you allow them to and whilst this is going on you are not living life,you are enduring and existing from one drama and sset of blatent lies to another, Most relationships are based on respect and honesty and decency you have non of those here sadly,The one thing I am going to say now will hurt you and I am so sorry but i think you need to understand just one thing,it may make your decision as to how to move ahead just that bit easier I am sorry before I say it though,Do you seriously think they are giving you any thought good or bad kind or mean any thought at all whilst they are sat stuffing their faces together? Do you think they care about you,your husband or your kids one iota? Because if they did life wouldnt be this hard or this hurtful. The only person who can stop this is you,You need to build a life that doesnt include these people,You need and deserve to be free and happy, I couldnt exist like you do and neither should you,These people have proven you to be of so little worth that they feel they can lie,cheat and manipulate you to their own ends without a second thought and get away with it, Its way too toxic, I am so sorry but you do deserve so much more than this,They bring nothing to the table except upset,they know this,they dont care and they will carry on treating you like utter rubbish as long as you let them be in your life, Be a good person be kind to you find peace without them ,it can be done and you deserve way more kindness than this, I am sorry x

UniversalAunt · 23/01/2022 19:37

@Giraffesandbottoms

‘ Sorry, the lunch is not at my house!’

There you have it.
An OP slightly got wrong end of stick, & you apologise for something that is a misunderstanding, it is not your fault, you are not apologising.

There’s being polite & there is being the default one to blame.
You are too used to grabbing the stick of blame, & your family find this convenient. But it does not have to be like this for you.
It sounds like your DM is a mistress of Fear, Obligation & Guilt (FOG) & she likely was brought up in a difficult family.

Disengaging & ‘grey rocking’ are techniques that will help you, no need to go completely NC at this stage. Other posters can drum up links to useful resources - my potatoes are almost done & must hurry off to the kitchens.

Have you worked out how A has your mother hooked? How does C manage his place in this family drama? Does he mind being the ‘spare to the golden heir’?

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 19:42

Have you worked out how A has your mother hooked? How does C manage his place in this family drama? Does he mind being the ‘spare to the golden heir

I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, to be honest. C was very bullied by my abusive father growing up and is damaged and was picked on by A badly and my mother to some extent. I think he is so thrilled to be involved now that B (and I) are out of favour that he is clinging to that. No idea why A is the golden child!

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 19:43

Thank you for all the support snd advice btw I really appreciate it

OP posts:
SisterAgatha · 23/01/2022 20:09

Hey OP, just seen your reply to your brother. Tbh I would let go of the idea that there is anyway you can ever get them to understand your feelings or point of view. They have an idea that this behaviour is ok and accepted and any behaviour to the contrary is seem as an aggressive attack on their dysfunctional integrity and they will make you out to be the bad guy.

There is nothing you can say that will change them.
There is nothing you can do to change them.
You cannot change anyone else, only your response to them.

Don’t argue this one. Quietly let it be the thing that woke you up and enabled you to walk away and heal yourself. Your DM sounds exactly like mine. I went NC and had various attempts at contacting me ranging from undying love to blazing attacks. I never engaged and felt the most free that I ever had. Expect your family to be petty as fuck about you going NC. After all they feed off the secrecy and sneakiness of leaving you out. I guarantee their lunch won’t be anywhere as delicious when they know you don’t give two shits.

Good luck Flowers

Mary46 · 23/01/2022 20:10

Shocking op. Favouritism is awful. My dad pandered to my mum so she not used to word no. My friends mothers dont behave like this. But it sounds same as your situation the golden child lol.

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 20:24

@SisterAgatha and @Mary46 thank you. It’s vey hard as I want explanations and logic but there is none. Like I don’t understand the exchange with my brother. I don’t get it. It’s hard to accept that though!

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 23/01/2022 20:34

I think sadly that whatever you respond in a message it sounds like they will share/show it too each other with the 'oooo look at this now!' And use it to build the drama and 'other' you even more.

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 20:52

@MichelleScarn

You are correct, sadly

OP posts:
Mary46 · 23/01/2022 21:00

Was it always like this op. I found there is no logic with these people. My mother plays the elderly card now. It is draining. Grey rock gives good tips with these situations

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 21:08

@Mary46

She was always like this but for sure as we have grown into adulthood it’s become worse. I think it’s just because I’m the one she knows is just “there”. She can’t pop round to my brother’s due to sister in law. She hasn’t been able to stay with them and bathe babies etc due to sister in law. Whereas with me it’s been very much whatever she wants she knows she will get. So there, I am massively taken for granted.

But then again when I went NC For 6 months you would think maybe she would have learnt to appreciate more but actually it doesn’t seem like it. I don’t want to go NC and my children do really love her and I don’t want them asking for her all the time and not seeing her but I can’t go on like this/don’t see a solution for all the reasons everyone is saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 21:13

@Mary46

My mother will also play the elderly card btw when it suits her, despite not being particularly old! She’s also always very “stressed” and everything is always “too much” despite the fact she’s a lady of leisure

OP posts:
Mary46 · 23/01/2022 21:18

Small short visits I think op sure it would drag u down. My siblings find it tough too but she wont change as elderly