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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying mother and favouritism

151 replies

Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 09:11

I am absolutely raging and not sure how to proceed. My mother has a golden child, my eldest brother (A). He cuts people out of his life for minor slights - currently he is not speaking to me and one other brother (B). As he is the favourite my mother basically takes him out for lunch frequently with the other brother (C) he is talking to. We all live round the corner so it’s not a proximity thing.

Anyway yesterday my mother was at my house, trying to book a restaurant for brother A and his family. Fine. today brother C was supposed to come round, but has clearly now been invited to this lunch and feels this is a “better offer” so is trying to change the time without explaining why. I messaged my mother about this and, after saying it’s not her fault C is so rude, she is suddenly saying it’s a surprise birthday lunch for C (a month before his birthday).

Obviously she’s lying to me. But even if she weren’t AIBU to have had enough of never getting invited to any lunches because of brother A?? It’s absolute bullshit, surely?

How do people deal with this favouritism?

Also I’m sorry for complicated post - too many brothers.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/01/2022 08:00

Just awful @swirlycupcake, but you sound as if you are in a good place.

Accepting you can't change how people behave is a great thing, very freeing.

Realising that all YOU can change is how YOU react and what you accept, is the pathway to a calmer, more peaceful life.

Of course there is sadness and regret that things aren't as you would like.

But stepping away from pouring salt continuously on an open sore definitely gives a different perspective and the beginnings of a chance to heal.

Allowing yourself to be treated badly continuously is awful for your self worth and MH, in my opinion.

Flowers
Mary46 · 27/01/2022 09:21

I agree no changing. It was a build up of nobody taking her away think she thought I was her diy for house stuff too. She was told a party for kids was not the place for this. She was gunning for a fight. My husband wont help her as she difficult. But billy posts are good u cant change it. I visit but its on my terms now. As u say its hurtful.

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 27/01/2022 10:17

She was gunning for a fight

Isn’t it funny how when they are gunning for a fight it’s only ever with us? Not the golden children….

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/01/2022 10:34

@Giraffesandbottoms

She was gunning for a fight

Isn’t it funny how when they are gunning for a fight it’s only ever with us? Not the golden children….

Because they are NOT nice people, just bully's.

I think society rear us to expect kindness and fairness from parents and when it fails to materialise, some can turn the feelings inwards and see it as a personal failing, when it really isn't.

Its 100% THEIR failing.

If you can change your pathology on this point and accept it, it is SO freeing.

This is THEIR failing and you can't control it, but you CAN control how you allow it affect your life.

Flowers
Noisyprat · 27/01/2022 10:45

My Mum had golden child favourite1 and my Dad had golden child favourite2. I am not golden and, like you have been blatantly lied to. When I questioned it was denied, their memory fails them when it suits.

I had some counselling which didn’t help so I worked out what was best for me to protect myself. Basically I am emotionally distanced, everything is surface level. I don’t expect anything and make it subtly clear that they now can’t expect anything from me. Evidently they never have anyway (ha ha). Some would call it selfish, I call it self preservation.

Mary46 · 27/01/2022 12:39

The less attention these people get) but of course op its hurtful. Im envious of those with easy parents. I find her very entitled

ApathyMartha · 27/01/2022 13:25

I had the first grandchild. I asked for a day a week childcare and it wasn’t forthcoming. Fair enough and I sorted out a childminder. My brothers kids - can’t do enough for them, childcare provided and my mum has given him tens of thousands of pounds all of which has been pi**ed up the wall. He is very much ‘oh woe is me, the world is against me’, when I’ve worked for everything I have but apparently I’m the lucky one. Even though I’m still the one who she comes to to complain about things I am now directing her back to him - she’s supported him - only fair he supports her right back 😎

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/02/2022 09:27

Just wanted to update the thread. I ceased much of the contact with my mother; no texting, no replying to “friendly texts” etc. She wanted to see my children once a week for 2 hours which I allowed at her place without me there. This went on for a few weeks. She then mentioned to me IN FRONT OF the children that she wanted to see more of them. I sent her a very calm message from my house later explaining I didn’t want to discuss in front of them but now she had raised it I was extremely hurt about the exclusion and her enabling my brother. That even if she wanted to pander to him she could have alternated family lunches with his family and other siblings and my family snd other siblings.

Usually she would have responded with nasty vitriol but didn’t and then messaged the next day inviting us to lunch the following weekend. I thought this was fantastic progress.

Lunch was yesterday. It was dire. Absolutely dire. She was bitter and resentful and jealous - we are having house renovations which she asked about. Showed her photos etc and she was so disinterested and rude. Saw I had a new handbag which usually she would comment on but nothing. It was all extremely petty and awkward. Bad atmosphere. DH stupidly mentioned her staying in our guest room when new baby arrives which had been the plan. She was agreeing snd I said, firmly “we will see”. She was not happy but said nothing.

Things ended on a sour note due to her not waiting for me to pull the car around and staying with children inside whilst Dh got bags and then went back for children, and instead brought my children out in their fucking slippers walking in the rain and puddles but of course me being like “they are in their slippers” was not reasonable as she was “only trying to help”.

Mentioned an ex neighbour where my brother (golden child) now lives (where we used to) had invited us to a party there. She was absolutely livid ex neighbour didn’t consult her. Pretty telling since I think most people would assume she would be happy to have her child invited and not need asking.

Have not heard from her since.

OP posts:
Arabellla · 21/02/2022 09:56

With mothers like these, who needs enemies? I'm sorry it went badly.

She was annoyed the ex-neighbour didn't consult her about the guest list or the house move? Or about inviting you?

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/02/2022 10:02

@Arabellla

About inviting me! Which is nuts

OP posts:
Arabellla · 21/02/2022 10:03

Bloody hell! She really can't stand you having anything. Do you think you'll go LC again?

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/02/2022 10:24

@Arabellla

I can’t really see a way forward that’s not LC. She just clearly resents me and resents my life and my happiness. It is probably to do also with us doing “better” than the golden child (not how I see it but she is soooooo materialistic and finance driven and always thought my brother would be mega wealthy and buy her a car and a house etc but that hasn’t panned out and she’s “backed the wrong horse” on that one!)

OP posts:
Movingsoon21 · 21/02/2022 11:36

OP, I have a very similar situation to you but with my in-laws. You are now in the position I was in a couple of years ago - desperately trying to analyse why they act like they do, trying to work out how to change them, figuring out how best to act around them to make them treat us better. Then I eventually saw the light and I think you are on the cusp of doing so too.

The truth is, these aren’t “normal” decent people who think like you and I do. You can’t change them, you won’t make them feel guilty and they will never, ever admit to being wrong. They will always turn things round on you. They are very disfunctional and use you as a pawn in their weird mind games they play with themselves.

I hate to say it, but wanting a pleasant relationship with them is not realistic and the quicker you fully accept this, the better for you. The best you can hope for is a distanced, completely bland relationship.

Once I realised this it was SO freeing! I now do grey rock and it works amazingly well. I no longer try to get their approval or try to work out why they’ve done another awful thing or why they’re not treating us well. I just accept that they are not good people and provide them with very minimal info about my life so they have nothing to work with and have turned their attention on other family members.

I know it’s hurtful as society has an expectation that you will be close to your parents but unfortunately that’s just not possible in cases like this. It’s not you - it’s your mum and brother’s failings that mean it’s not possible.

Movingsoon21 · 21/02/2022 11:39

Oh and protect your kids. As I say, these people are simply not capable of loving, healthy relationships, so will eventually treat your kids badly, if they haven’t started to do so already. Seeing their mum treated badly will also be harmful to your DC.

I would be honest with them in an age-appropriate manner. They sound young so something along the lines of: DC “I miss nana, when can we see her?” You: “unfortunately nana hasn’t been treating us kindly, she’s been leaving us out and favouring your uncle, so we’re not going to see so much of her, to make sure she doesn’t upset us”

Mary46 · 21/02/2022 11:46

Well done op. Im always on my guard. I tell her very little. She was making me dinner. I said god no need thanks. This was thrown back at me before in a fight. So very devious. Anyway doesnt improve. Families eh

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/02/2022 15:06

Thanks guys for sharing your experiences x

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 21/02/2022 15:50

I’ve been watching your thread with interest. It’s been quite the eye opener. I can actually see that my family that is so close, loving and supportive on the surface is toxic and undermining in several ways. I thought I was the strong independent much loved one and I am strong and independent because I’ve had to be.
One thing I’ve learned is it really really pisses the parent of if they feel that they have been socially excluded from something. So I’ve started doing this a lot. They absolutely hate it.
I’ve done it to the point where I’ve organised a weekend away and excluded them as they do to me regularly and given them the exact excuse they regularly give to me and they are livid!
It’s made me so happy. I know. Sad life. Nevertheless we take our small joys where we can.Wink

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/02/2022 16:19

@7yo7yo

Ha!! Good for you 💪🏻 What’s the excuse they always use?

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/02/2022 16:26

Please stop unsupervised contact. She is toxic and she may threaten you with a court order to see more of your dc. Regular unsupervised contact could see a solicitor take her request to the courts..
My dm never saw my dc. Never. As adults they still haven't opted to see her.

7yo7yo · 21/02/2022 17:19

The excuse is you always say no.
I said no once in 2004 as that was the only time I was asked and I only remember as I was in labour with my child.
So she said no once and that’s the excuse I’ve used too.

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/02/2022 18:11

@7yo7yo

Lol at the being in labour and saying no - how unreasonable you are! Well done for using it against her

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 21/02/2022 18:38

The problem with the access you're giving is that you don't know what she's saying to the dc.
"It's such a shame mummy won't let me come round"

It's very easy to place these negative mummy comments and she sounds like she'd be good at that.

stimpyyouidiot · 21/02/2022 18:51

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Please stop unsupervised contact. She is toxic and she may threaten you with a court order to see more of your dc. Regular unsupervised contact could see a solicitor take her request to the courts.. My dm never saw my dc. Never. As adults they still haven't opted to see her.
Just to reiterate this. Think carefully about doing this op.
Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 21/02/2022 19:21

I will think about the access. They just both ask to see her frequently and the 3 year old would tell me if she said anything. I did explain to him she had been unkind but it’s awkward as I don’t want to feel I’m upsetting them.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/02/2022 20:24

I have known about a dgm who changed dc's clothes for photos to make it seem they had more access than they did to improve their 'case'.. Imo if your dps aren't good enough for your company why sacrifice your dc to them? You will make it harder to plead your case that they are abusive etc when you readily hand over the most precious things you have to them..