Lying mother and favouritism

[Giraffesandbottoms]

I am absolutely raging and not sure how to proceed. My mother has a golden child, my eldest brother (A). He cuts people out of his life for minor slights - currently he is not speaking to me and one other brother (B). As he is the favourite my mother basically takes him out for lunch frequently with the other brother (C) he is talking to. We all live round the corner so it’s not a proximity thing.

Anyway yesterday my mother was at my house, trying to book a restaurant for brother A and his family. Fine. today brother C was supposed to come round, but has clearly now been invited to this lunch and feels this is a “better offer” so is trying to change the time without explaining why. I messaged my mother about this and, after saying it’s not her fault C is so rude, she is suddenly saying it’s a surprise birthday lunch for C (a month before his birthday).

Obviously she’s lying to me. But even if she weren’t AIBU to have had enough of never getting invited to any lunches because of brother A?? It’s absolute bullshit, surely?

How do people deal with this favouritism?

Also I’m sorry for complicated post - too many brothers.

So does your mum take them for lunch because they can't visit at their house? That would explain why they go out more in comparison, if she can visit at your actual house.

@Seafog

Well C she lives next door to and can go round whenever she likes. A is 5 mins from her but due to their house being a total mess (A and his fiancée are maybe the laziest people I’ve ever met in terms of house cleanliness - I’m not even saying it to have a pop, it’s the real reason) so they don’t let her come round unless they’ve had hours to sort out the flat. Also they are very private people/the fiancee is very strange and sort of presents as nice and liking my mother but says lots of things behind her back and behaves in a way which strongly implies she doesn’t want her involved in their lives. So yes I understand why they go out for lunch or round to my mother’s. What I don’t understand is why, in a year, she hasn’t once cooked lunch for us at her house or taken us out. I also don’t understand why C gets invited along, which makes it a “family thing” I’m excluded from, rather than just A, his child and fiancee, and my mother. In fact lots of times his child and fiancee don’t even go.

Now that I think about it, it could be to do with the fact that I’m not a drinker and the 3 of them are (they have definite alcohol problems), and they just want to get shitfaced, and I would ruin that.

So, @Giraffesandbottoms your family was packed full of abuse when you were growing up. your last comment is the key to the door.

They drink to excess and you do not.

They are damaged by the abuse & use alcohol extensively to manage their internal shit. You do not.

You see through them with clear sober eyes, & this makes for a great discomfort & unease for them. It feels easier for them to hurt & blame you than it is for them to acknowledge their own hurt & shortcomings.

‘Hurt you? Disrespect you? Nah, not really. You’re still here aren’t you? Besides, being in a family hurts, right? Have a drink, be one of us. Get over it!’

The ‘glitch’ for you is that you have a form of expectation that they are reasonable, calm & respectful…& oh, consistent - but these qualities are lesser known in abusive dysfunctional families, & each of their problematic drinking patterns are an expression of their significant inner disorders.

I see you as a bystander, a witness to their crazy, yet you still have strings of attachment that tether you to the circus where the same slapstick show plays on a loop. Yet you can see beyond this. The ties that bind you are pulled by them so that you do not get away & they need that audience. You are not going to get what you need from them.

You might find Al-Anon family groups helpful. You are the sober, clear sighted honest one in the family game of abuse, dishonesty & avoidance. Al Anon family groups

You do not need them to acknowledge their lying, it is enough that you know & go by your own knowledge & lights. Call it out if you feel compelled but don’t expect anything honest or useful back from them.

‘Hey C, don’t bother covering up. I know that GF was at Mum’s lunch, she was seen there bold as brass. I am sorry for you that you choose to lie.’

‘Hey C, what a batshit crazy bunch of fuckers this family are…’
C: ‘eh?’
‘If they weren’t so awful, they’d be funny’

It’s not you, it’s them.
You can make some change for yourself by looking beyond them for insight & acceptance.

The irony is that they need you.
The clear sighted sensible one who walks a straight line.
You represent a far better version of themselves.

Adopt grey rock techniques for yourself.
Al-anon family groups will help you with insight & peer support.

Prepare to be surprised by what happens when you make changes & your usual responses (which are their safety net) are not there.

@UniversalAunt

damn, this is crazy - I feel like you know me personally from your post, it’s just so accurate! Thank you! Going to save it on my phone to re-read.

C girlfriend, who I actually
Think is quite reasonable, messaged me overnight to say C didn’t tell her about Coming to mine until
The morning when she had other plans, and she has no idea why he wasn’t straightforward about that but she’s sorry and doesn’t want me to think she’s rude. So that’s something. Tbh I am dreading bearding from my mother.

*hearing, not bearding

Al-anon is a fantastic idea thank you

In the long term, in your shoes OP, I’d look into moving car from your mother.

Sometimes it helps to put a bit of space between you and toxic family.

Meantime focus on your own immediate family enjoy life, and only engage with your mother/brothers when it suits you.
I’d also not share anything bad going on in your life your mother clearly used it as a stick to beat you with to justify her own behaviour, it’ll be you overreacting because you’re having a nervous breakdown due to your personal problems nothing to do with her. I’ve met people like that.

Far not car

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@Dacquoise

100% like your mother she was enjoying rubbing my nose in it. She didn’t directly say what she was doing but made it clear “I need to see if X restaurant has high chairs” etc etc[/quote]
That pretty shitty of her.
Me and my bro had a fall out ( he flounced in reality when I told him I didn’t approve of his illegal activities) and my Mum could have taught Kofi Annan a thing or two in how she dealt with it.
There was no need for your mother to make that call then, she was trying to wind you up and she was successful. Disengage from them all as much as possible

[quote Giraffesandbottoms]@Santahasjoinedww

I will stop being nice for sure.

The problem is every time I pull back a bit she then makes an effort so I fall for it and soften. She is free to pop round whenever etc.[/quote]
Oh OP, this really resonates with me. It's so easy to get sucked back in isn't it? Trouble is, the obvious thing is to communicate what's bothering you but you then get blamed and accused of being difficult or sensitive. It's an awful dynamic and I'm following this for advice too

@UniversalAunt

So, *@Giraffesandbottoms* your family was packed full of abuse when you were growing up. your last comment is the key to the door.

They drink to excess and you do not.

They are damaged by the abuse & use alcohol extensively to manage their internal shit. You do not.

You see through them with clear sober eyes, & this makes for a great discomfort & unease for them. It feels easier for them to hurt & blame you than it is for them to acknowledge their own hurt & shortcomings.

‘Hurt you? Disrespect you? Nah, not really. You’re still here aren’t you? Besides, being in a family hurts, right? Have a drink, be one of us. Get over it!’

The ‘glitch’ for you is that you have a form of expectation that they are reasonable, calm & respectful…& oh, consistent - but these qualities are lesser known in abusive dysfunctional families, & each of their problematic drinking patterns are an expression of their significant inner disorders.

I see you as a bystander, a witness to their crazy, yet you still have strings of attachment that tether you to the circus where the same slapstick show plays on a loop. Yet you can see beyond this. The ties that bind you are pulled by them so that you do not get away & they need that audience. You are not going to get what you need from them.

You might find Al-Anon family groups helpful. You are the sober, clear sighted honest one in the family game of abuse, dishonesty & avoidance. Al Anon family groups

You do not need them to acknowledge their lying, it is enough that you know & go by your own knowledge & lights. Call it out if you feel compelled but don’t expect anything honest or useful back from them.

‘Hey C, don’t bother covering up. I know that GF was at Mum’s lunch, she was seen there bold as brass. I am sorry for you that you choose to lie.’

‘Hey C, what a batshit crazy bunch of fuckers this family are…’
C: ‘eh?’
‘If they weren’t so awful, they’d be funny’

It’s not you, it’s them.
You can make some change for yourself by looking beyond them for insight & acceptance.

I love this.

And yes, is there any chance you could move further away? You’re all way too on top of each other.

Toxic unreasonable people rarely change, therefore something in you has to change to protect yourself and your happiness. Taking charge doesn’t guarantee that your mother& your siblings will play by your rules, but it does mean that you have set successful boundaries. Perhaps setting your thoughts down on paper is a start ie this post. Perhaps writing to your Mum and siblings will help…just saying ‘I’m sick of the favouritism, the mind games and the lack of respect’…if you don’t want to adhere to reasonable standards of behaviour I have my answer…you don’t want to have a meaningful and emotionally healthy relationship with me’…Well perhaps something along these lines, and then for the next 6 months stick to it and read as much as you can about toxic patterns of behaviour. Give yourself a break from all of it. A parent exhibiting outright favouritism is parental failure. A parent playing off siblings is parental failure and v irresponsible . Siblings indulging in this type of nonsense is part of that failure. Your Mum needs to stop being a puppet master, you are entitled to something better.

Unfortunately we can’t really move away. We have recently bought a house, children at school etc and it wouldn’t work to move now. Maybe in a few years.

I did a lot of work 18 months ago reading up on toxic parents (was a fantastic book) and working on myself but I still can’t see a way to have a distanced but pleasant relationship. I think I’m probably just too emotional a person, and too sensitive.

I think it might be good to just set out for her in a fairly emotional way what my boundaries are and hopefully she can adhere to them. I doubt but it’s hard to know how to proceed immediately.

@KeepYaHeadUp

Stay strong. You are not alone!

Healthy relationships do not require perfect people, they require safe people. I’m so sorry that the family you have been born into do not value you and do not treat you safely and securely.

Grey rock method gives you back control of the dynamic. I would really recommend it.

We cannot heal other people but we can heal the part of ourselves that takes their wounded behaviour personally. Always remember their capacity to love and value you, has absolutely nothing to do with your worth.

Sending you love and strength op @Giraffesandbottoms subtle, constant devaluing within a family is really difficult to walk away from. Be kind with yourself and remember you are worthy and you are not responsible for the version of you that exists in their minds.
Xx

I'd tell her to not bother me again rather than spend the rest of my life gathering what crumbs she felt inclined to throw my way.

OP,

We teach people how to treat us.

You have repeatedly accepted your mothers dreadful behaviour and she clearly hasn't much respect or love for you.

When you love your child, you do don't behave like that.

This is all on your mother.

She's not going to change.

Don't see her at YOUR house.

Tell her you will visit her at her house only.

Do not allow her visit.

Are you the only daughter?

You will be of use to her as she ages.

Find some self respect and tell her that it is great that ALL her elder care will be down to brother A, and wish her well.

That you would allow her to organise a lunch in your home and exclude you is extraordinary.

You really need some counselling to help you understand how damaging it is to your person to accept being treated so poorly.

So what if your children like her.

She is NOT a good person.

Severely limit the time they spend with her at HER house.

Don't lie.

Tell them the truth.

Granny isn't very kind to mummy so we won't be seeing so much of her.

Do it in front of her in her house so she knows how it feels.

Stand up for yourself and find your self esteem.

Your mother is an awful woman.

You deserve better.

Only you can do this.

Never ever tell her your business again either.

She’s a classic narcissist and this is text book triangulation. I’m sorry . I know you think she is a decent grandmother, but she is not. If she spends time with them when they are older she will, without a shadow of a doubt, triangulate and say bad things about you to them and she will impact negatively on stheir mental health. There is always fallout for the person who stands up/ exposes a narcissists lies. No contact is the best way to protect yourself and your children

@billy1966

Thank you - I will follow that plan!

Good for you.

You deserve better.

Your children deserve better.

She is not a good woman.

The best thing you can do is accept you will never change her and instead working hard on yourself.

Realise that you are a really good person who just has a shit mother.

That's life.

Sometimes it deals us a tough hand.

You have known this for a long time.

Start seriously working on being kinder to yourself.

You deserve better than that awful woman.

Don't show her upset, just indifference.

You are SO DONE with her and her narcissistic bullshit.

Keep posting.

What would you say if she just turned up at the door? “We are busy?” What if she asks what we are doing?

Grab your coats and go to the car. "We're going to, whoever, for a meet up".

However, if she's used to dropping in on you, you will have to set a proper boundary and tell her to call first, which will probably set up a family round robin of vitriol against you. Be prepared.

If you're feeling very mischievous, tell her brother B has invited you for a meal!

@Mrsjayy

Don't say anything about the girlfriend this is just feeding into it all.

Are you kidding?!? That's exactly what they want OP to do, to just not say anything and let them get away with it!