Lying mother and favouritism

[Giraffesandbottoms]

I am absolutely raging and not sure how to proceed. My mother has a golden child, my eldest brother (A). He cuts people out of his life for minor slights - currently he is not speaking to me and one other brother (B). As he is the favourite my mother basically takes him out for lunch frequently with the other brother (C) he is talking to. We all live round the corner so it’s not a proximity thing.

Anyway yesterday my mother was at my house, trying to book a restaurant for brother A and his family. Fine. today brother C was supposed to come round, but has clearly now been invited to this lunch and feels this is a “better offer” so is trying to change the time without explaining why. I messaged my mother about this and, after saying it’s not her fault C is so rude, she is suddenly saying it’s a surprise birthday lunch for C (a month before his birthday).

Obviously she’s lying to me. But even if she weren’t AIBU to have had enough of never getting invited to any lunches because of brother A?? It’s absolute bullshit, surely?

How do people deal with this favouritism?

Also I’m sorry for complicated post - too many brothers.

@Dacquoise

If you're feeling very mischievous, tell her brother B has invited you for a meal!

THIS!

Are you kidding?!? That's exactly what they want OP to do, to just not say anything and let them get away with it! hmmhmmhmm

So you think the op should get into another fight with her family upsetting herself once more about them excluding her 🤔

Give them all a wide berth op. God you be sick of families at times!

@Giraffesandbottoms

What would you say if she just turned up at the door? “We are busy?” What if she asks what we are doing?

“Like I said now isn’t a good time.”

“It’s irrelevant. It’s not convenient for you to come in. Please don’t come without calling again it’s rude and I have asked you not to.”

If she’s still persisting…
“Stop being dramatic and making a scene. I’ll talk you later”

Haven’t heard anything from my mother anyway. Tbh I’m just furious now, lots of angry dreams about me yelling at her and shaking her. Had a horrible pregnancy scare yesterday re baby well-being and it’s fucked me off even more that my mother is such a bitch, and that i have allowed her to be so unfair and exclude me for years.

Good for you finding your anger.

Her behaviour is so awful.

But the best response is calm indifference.

Acting as if you really have NO wish to see her or be around her is the most powerful response.

Leave her to son A.
Tell your child the bear details.

Granny is not very nice to mummy so we will not be seeing her very often.
It actually is an excellent teaching moment for both you and your children.

"Actions have consequences".

A friend of mine has a cranky unappreciative mother, who tires her out. She is just back last week from a weeks holiday where her mother never so much as asked her how her holiday was as she was so busy praising her precious son, who normally does very little. How well he looked after her and how kind he was.

My friend doesn't know what came over her (still a bit menopausal) she told her that was just great to hear and such a relief as they had the offer of a cheap apartment through an ex colleague for all of February and they are going to take it!

Her mother's face was a picture as she tried to splutter something.
My friend was out the door and rang her husband to say yes to the offer.
He is just thrilled and she is off next tuesday.
Her mother has been quite short with her since, but it seems that something has turned in my friend finally and she is no longer prepared to do it all.

Her brother isn't impressed either, but that is his problem.
She has been doing more that her share for the past decade.

I'm so pleased for her.

Perhaps a month away will give her mother a bit of appreciation for all she does.

A month is vastly different to a week!

@billy1966

Good for your friend!

Great post billy. God they drain you out listening to crap! Worse the older they get. Op how old is she. I keep minimal contact now I havent energy for crap. She 80

Families are odd.

I have brothers that won't reply to text messages about our parents unless in a prescribed group set up by one of them. They just ignore.

I have finally gone NC with them. The childishness and lack of replying and any help with elderly parents was the final straw.

@Mary46

She’s only 65. She acts like she’s 5 though in lots of ways! Or 15

Her good friends are thrilled for her, also a little jealous of a month in the sun....🤣.....but that is another story!.

Her mother has just got more demanding and unappreciative since she retired last year and her husband is worn out from telling her she needed to put in boundaries.

Her mother is not unwell, just a demanding woman who expects her daughter to jump immediately everytime she rings her.

Her brother is very nice but is far better with boundaries.

He is younger and won't be retiring age for a good few years.

It's going to be interesting because it could be the start of a lot more holidays for her.

IMO with demanding people the only thing that works is firm boundaries.

Her mother was very firm with hers when my friend was working FT with 4 children and was not available at all, but over the last decade has slowly but surely become a source of stress to my friend.

She had the demands of work before, but since retirement last summer things have become a bit relentless.

65 is young. Put your boundaries in now. Could be years of this. Mine is used go her own way nobody has all this free time either...

I have been nc with my dm for 10 years.. . Lots of Woe Is Me letters in the beginning. I ignored her andy life got so much better!!. She had only been back in my life a year after another 10 years nc before that after she flounced and I left her to it!

@Mary46

I will try!

@Santahasjoinedww

20 years of no aggro - well done

I am wondering what it is that bothers me more/the issue to address:

1. the not having us round as a family, instead always dropping in. I will certainly say to her when she tries to see us that we will
   Happily see her at her place for lunch or out at a restaurant of her choosing or

2. being excluded from so, so many meals and family occasions because she is enabling my awful eldest brother. This is a much harder problem to fix/get her to address. Surely any decent mother would always invite all children to birthdays etc, and if one of them didn’t want to attend for petty reasons that would be their issue? I am amazed she has allowed this to go on for so long actually. All the meals I have not been invited to because A didn’t want me there.

I learnt the hard way op doing too much. A duty to the elderly we got told. Respect is 2 ways.

I honestly don't think you will be able to change the dynamic regarding being entertained by her or invited to family events. She doesn't want to and probably sees you as convenient to drop in on when it suits her. She is showing you how she sees you.

However, you need to be more vigilant about not being set up for her future care. My DM's was/is my brother who did absolutely nothing for her, never entertained her or took her out for mother's day, birthdays or Christmas. That was my job and she still smeared me to all and sundry.

Nc was the best thing that could have happened as it was clear I would be doing elder care, my brother was in line for the inheritance.

Your family dynamic seems similar. Male = Prince, female = convenient but ignored otherwise.

Plan ahead. Make sure you’re not around when she starts needing care. Can you imagine how it will feel to be still seeking fairness/validation whilst your brother laps up the glory?

@Dacquoise

Eerily similar dynamic! My mother recently had an accident. Me, pregnant with 2 young children, expected to ferry her around and do her food shopping etc. Lazy toerag brother who has his own company so sets his own hours and lives round the corner and doesn’t do the childcare, did he do anything?!? Did he?! he sent a shitty bouquet and she raved about it nonstop.

Absolutely she can be his problem. And since they don’t even let her in the house now I can imagine how much they will do!

@Dacquoise

Excellent post.
Wise words.

She is not a good woman or mother rhat is how she treats you as she does.

She's not a good grandmother because she excludes your children too.

She drops in at HER convience.

It is all about her.

I simply wouldn't allow her in my home and she will have to entertain at hers or out at lunch.

HER choice.

Whatever you do find the strength to protect yourself from being used as skivvy carer in the future.

I have told this story before of a family I know that had a large valuable house on a large site.

4 children, with one golden son.

He had ALWAYS been given everything and the girls always had to work very hard at multiple jobs through university.
They were a comfortably off family.

On the grounds of the house in a corner far from the house a little bungalow was built for the parents and without a conversation, the house was signed over to the son.
A very valuable house on a very large urban site. Gorgeous gardens.

He and his young family moved in.

The three daughters were furious and there was a huge falling out.

The parents were there for the son and helped out with childcare during those tough early years and then out of the blue they decided to take a job in another city and SOLD the home.

So this couple are now elderly living in an area nearby 3 daughters, that 10 years on have absolutely nothing to do with them.

They were a very respected family and everyone knowing their business and their humiliation...has been a shocking grief for them.

Privately there has been very little sympathy due to the way they thought they could treat their daughters.

You owe your mother absolutely nothing.

As @daq has wisely written, put clear distance between you and your mother so there isn't any confusion as to what your relationship is.

Keep posting.

This favoured male crap can be generational too.

My grandmother was totally incapable of the simplist tasks when she got older, needed help to clean her house, wheel chaired round the supermarket to do her shopping, someone to pick up her prescriptions from the all night chemists, all done by females of course.

Interestingly when my brother paid one of his royal visits, which was very rare, she suddenly was up to shopping for and cooking him his favourite meal. Waited on him. All by herself. It seemed totally normal at the time. I look back now and think wtaf!

He was also given the pick of her treasures when she passed, her carriage clock, her war medals, anything of value. I was offered the biscuit tins I had given her as a Christmas present.

YANB. I’ve gone through similar with my family. I take it in turns to spend Christmas with my parents. I had to have IVF to have my DS following years of infertility and my parents cancelled on me and missed his first Christmas because my petty jealous brother couldn’t stand the thought of another child other than my niece getting to see them on Christmas Day. My mum said if she didn’t cancel Christmas with me then they were scared my brother would stop them seeing my niece. This has transcended into other similar incidents and has caused a lot of hurt and upset.

Personally I think the parents need to stand up to their kids when they try to bully them into getting their own way.

God families are desperate. I was humiliated by her at a kids party last summer. I decided Im taking no more crap going forward. Mean at xmas. Card for my birthday. Mean to kids too

These women make choices to choose a favorite child.

Sometimes their other children tolerate it.

Sometimes they don't.

My mum used to arrange her own birthday party and leave me out. Once they literally met outside my house because it was near to where they were going and went with my two sisters and one of their friends. Weirdest bit is the friend looked like me and luckily I had a friend who saw the pics of their fun day out and we laughed it off when they said they took my clone instead.
It hurt so much. My mum said it wouldn't have worked with me there because one of my sisters doesn't get on with me.
I'm nc for three years now and it's all much better now. It hurts a lot but I cannot change any of it and I had to come to terms with that, and also come to terms with I will never 'win' because whatever I do or say in protest, they'll lie their way out of.
You don't have to put up with this if you don't want to. You're not going to change any of them. If in the very least go low contact.

@swirlycupcake

That is so hurtful and shocking, I’m sorry!

@Mary46

What happened at the party?! If you want to talk about it

Even though it’s terrible that so many of us have been treated this way, this thread has really made me feel I’m not alone so thank you