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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lying mother and favouritism

151 replies

Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 09:11

I am absolutely raging and not sure how to proceed. My mother has a golden child, my eldest brother (A). He cuts people out of his life for minor slights - currently he is not speaking to me and one other brother (B). As he is the favourite my mother basically takes him out for lunch frequently with the other brother (C) he is talking to. We all live round the corner so it’s not a proximity thing.

Anyway yesterday my mother was at my house, trying to book a restaurant for brother A and his family. Fine. today brother C was supposed to come round, but has clearly now been invited to this lunch and feels this is a “better offer” so is trying to change the time without explaining why. I messaged my mother about this and, after saying it’s not her fault C is so rude, she is suddenly saying it’s a surprise birthday lunch for C (a month before his birthday).

Obviously she’s lying to me. But even if she weren’t AIBU to have had enough of never getting invited to any lunches because of brother A?? It’s absolute bullshit, surely?

How do people deal with this favouritism?

Also I’m sorry for complicated post - too many brothers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 13:56

No more dropping in when she has nothing better to do or because she wants to see the DC.stop accepting the scraps she offers

I have told her as much today. If she wants to see us she can take us all out for lunch or cook for us at hers, like she does for everyone else. Not my fault A is a man child and she isn’t allowed to drop round their because his flat is a shithole etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 14:10

Do I say something to C about his girlfriend? Am I fuck going to invite her round again now. What the hell

OP posts:
Mary46 · 23/01/2022 14:15

I know op its crap. Very mean too. I find these people devious be on your guard. Quick to twist things. X brings her mother away. I said yeh good for her. Again pure goading. !!

Mary46 · 23/01/2022 14:17

No giraffe say very little. You dont know who is saying what or your mum sussing them out too

RandomMess · 23/01/2022 14:17

Honestly just step back from the lot of them perhaps you and brother B can stick together and let C be used as their pawn until he wakes up for himself.

Billybagpuss · 23/01/2022 14:21

@Giraffesandbottoms

Do I say something to C about his girlfriend? Am I fuck going to invite her round again now. What the hell
Just text to say, glad gf felt better in time to join you.
SisterAgatha · 23/01/2022 14:23

Forget these jokers. You’ve had the unfortunate luck to be born in to a family of arseholes. No one would expect you to stick around with friends as bad as this but somehow because it’s your family you are “supposed” to put up with this and be grateful for it.

I get it, I’ve been there. You kind of want to go to lunch, you’re sad you are left out because you’ve done nothing to deserve it, but at the same time you’d feel resentful even if you did go because of past resentments and your mums golden child behaviour. You can’t win emotionally in this situation because they are toxic and basically feeding like vampires off the drama this creates. Don’t let anyone guilt you in to spending one more minute with these chumps.

Make your own memories with your own children. Break the cycle of abuse your mother has created x

Mrsjayy · 23/01/2022 14:23

Your mum sounds like she loves the drama it makes her feel important take away the drama and she won't get your energy. Imo you need to pull back from the lot of them and let them get on with it your mum is never going to be on your side. Don't involve her in disputes with your brothers.

SisterAgatha · 23/01/2022 14:25

Do I say something to C about his girlfriend? Am I fuck going to invite her round again now. What the hell

Don’t see them. Don’t say anything to them. Consider that they have moved away to another country and are uncontactable. That’s how I dealt with NC. If they call, be busy. If they pop over, be just on your way out. Don’t hurt yourself anymore by trying to salvage something they don’t value anyway.

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 14:28

Can I not just say:

“DH said he saw GF at lunch when he was walking back with the children. I’m a bit surprised that she was not well enough to come to ours but was well enough to go out for lunch”

It’s quite bland but also relays how I feel. I mean now I just can’t be bothered with liar C and his gf either but I think NC is extreme
As we live round the corner. I definitely want to go LC but need to work out how I make that work for me without it being too upsetting. I also don’t want to just go LC without making it clear I know they’ve lied.

I’m tired of being treated like a schmuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 14:29

@SisterAgatha

Yes,
I’m hurt and I’m angry. And I’m excluded. It feels extremely unfair and the idea that they have a little echo chamber where now it wil be “giraffes is so unreasonable”.

There is nothing I can say to my mother as she will just agree with the golden child. It’s very hard.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 23/01/2022 14:30

Don't say anything about the girlfriend this is just feeding into it all.

SisterAgatha · 23/01/2022 14:31

No i feel like would be a cue for them to start on you for being annoyed (perfectly reasonably). She will tell your Mum who will get a little kick of joy from knowing you know. They’ll not feel guilty. Ever. Nothing you can say or text those bitches will ever matter to them. All they want is to cause drama and get a rise out of people. They stop (or try other avenues) when it becomes pointless.

Look up grey rock method. x

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/01/2022 14:32

@mbosnz

The best thing you can do, I found, is 'neither a borrower nor a lender be'. I don't give to them, any more than I want to do, in terms of time, energy, and effort, and I don't look for any from them.

It means it's so much harder for them to get a rise out of you, and you don't resent doing what you do for them, because you only do what you want, when you want, if you want. They tend to feel frightfully hard done by, because it takes all the fun and feelings of having received fealty from you out of it - which just makes it that much more fucking fun for you!

But I'm a cold hard bitch. Finally, lol!

This.

I wouldn't cook him another meal again.
Any and all meals in pubs or similar and you pay for yourselves and they pay their way.
I wouldn't accept a meal from them.

I would also answer the door in my coat and be "heading out) if Cs girlfriend calls unannounced. If she arranged in advance its not convenient or you are out. When /if eventually have to meet its at a park.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/01/2022 14:33

@Giraffesandbottoms

Can I not just say:

“DH said he saw GF at lunch when he was walking back with the children. I’m a bit surprised that she was not well enough to come to ours but was well enough to go out for lunch”

It’s quite bland but also relays how I feel. I mean now I just can’t be bothered with liar C and his gf either but I think NC is extreme
As we live round the corner. I definitely want to go LC but need to work out how I make that work for me without it being too upsetting. I also don’t want to just go LC without making it clear I know they’ve lied.

I’m tired of being treated like a schmuck.

Say NOTHING.

You are wasting your time.

Read up grey rock.

MumW · 23/01/2022 14:37

Hard though it is, it sounds like you'd be better off without them all. Put your efforts into cultivating friendship. You can choose your friends but are stuck with your family but just because you share genetics doesn't mean you have to get on.

Stop being so available and keep your Mum at arms length to protect your DC as well as yourself.

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 14:37

Text the gf.
Glad you are feeling better..
She is in cahoots with them. She isn't your friend. She isn't even an honest human being..

Mrsjayy · 23/01/2022 14:50

My sibling is the golden child it used to exhausting getting worked up about it all now I just leave them too it, saves me being resentful or getting hurt feelings. I have adult dc and I'd never treat them differently.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/01/2022 15:08

So your mums playing you all off against each other isn’t she?.

Fine, leave them to it. The favourites always let you down. Nothing to stop you going nc, especially if she starts playing your kids off against each other.

Family should treat you better than the rest of the world not worse.

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 15:12

The other thing is I just know my mother’s response to this will be to say, tomorrow

“Why can’t you just be happy, your life is so great? Why must you always create drama?”

That’s what she will say to me.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 23/01/2022 15:17

Say nothing ask if they had a nice lunch she is enjoying your brothers dependency on her makes her feel needed you are the "sensible"" together" one why are you causing a scene and making her life uncomfortable blah blah. Ignore it as hard as it is develop a superficial relationship with them.

Totalwasteofpaper · 23/01/2022 15:18

@Giraffesandbottoms

The other thing is I just know my mother’s response to this will be to say, tomorrow

“Why can’t you just be happy, your life is so great? Why must you always create drama?”

That’s what she will say to me.

So stop feeding her dad and giving her something to kick off about. Stop engaging in the drama triangle.

Read up on grey rock.
Honestly it will change your life.

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 15:21

Your answer.
Dm, you are so right.. The drama comes directly from you so I will be backing away for a while..
And walk away..

Original poster
Giraffesandbottoms · 23/01/2022 15:50

@Santahasjoinedww

That’s a great response

OP posts:
Mary46 · 23/01/2022 16:27

You have great advice on these replies. Grey rock is great. Do not engage. I tell my mother need to know basis no more. It does work. Feel for you op.