People who say 'we are quite chilled, so the baby is too'

[JammyRedRooo]

AIBU to find this incredible smug and annoying?

I'm fairly chilled - not massively so but not highly strung at all. My DH is practically horizontal he is so chilled. And our baby DD is still bloody high maintenance

So when a relative said this to me I wanted to scream that it doesn't work like that and they are just lucky but of course I nodded politely.

Do people with chilled out babies think those of us with non chilled out babies bring it on themselves?

“ I'd find it annoying if you're struggling but do find it to be true.”

It isn’t, though I know a lot of couples losing their minds thinking it is and wondering what they’re doing wrong.

It is annoying, yes. My first baby was a tiny baby and had feeding issues she ended up in special care because my breast milk never came in. Its hard to be chilled when you feel like you've let your baby down and have to work to get their weight gain up. Second time around I had a bigger baby, a small age gap and things were hard because I had two babies to take care of but my son himself was an 'easy' baby. I was calmer because he had no issues. Third baby now and she is hands down the easiest. She sleeps through, drinks well. She has reflux which is difficult at times. I am calmer this time around but that's because she is a very happy, easy go lucky baby who sleeps. It's a lot harder to be chilled when you are sleep deprived or concerned about weight gain. As for the sleeping through, totally down to luck because I haven't done anything different.

Nope me and my partner are both very quiet, I'm so shy that I get genuine brain freeze when expected to speak to strangers/people I don't know very well and just can't think of a single thing to say. Yet our eldest is the loudest, most outgoing, friendliest chatterbox I have ever met and has 0 fear. (This is not always a good thing!). No clue where she got that from but even as a newborn she never slept in the day! I remember a health visitor telling me she should be having 4 naps a day and thinking 'tell her that!). She is genuinley like a duracell bunny - non stop all day. My youngest on the other hand is like me and will happily sit for hours reading books and playing alone and struggles in social situations (thankfully nowhere near as badly as me and her dad do though). I feel. Like people who say these things either don't remember accurately what they're babies were like, or got very lucky!

Nah its bollocks. When I was pregnant with dc1 everyone said "you and dh are so relaxed, your baby will be really chilled!" Well he's not. He's an absolute force of nature and was a bloody nightmare as a baby. Second dc everyone thought we were mad as we'd have a repeat performance. Nope, dc2 is the most chilled out easygoing, content, happy little chap. Polar opposite. It's just luck and most smug parents I know get their come uppance at some point (either with the same baby suddenly becoming a nightmare toddler or the next child being much more difficult). That usually shuts them up!

This does my head in too. Our ds is 2 and in some ways is very 'easy' in that he didn't have colic/reflux /allergies etc. Liked his pram and car seat and took to food like a human dustbin 😂 But he's also got serious fomo and has done since about 4 weeks old! He is and always has been an awful sleeper and even when absolutely shattered, he still tries to just run around likec a hurricane. He also has awfull separation anxiety and when it peaks it means he goes to pieces and tries to hurt himself if I so much as try and go for a wee.

We tried every routine to no routine and finally found a rough rhythm that works just before he turned 2, but he's still a duracell bunny with fomo so naps are rare and days are chaotic. But nights are better at least!

Me and dh are pretty laid back but being made to feel we were doing things 'wrong' time and again, combined with sleep deprevation has definitely made us more anxious I think.

@Ponoka7 we disagree there. I've read a fair bit on recent psychology and personality research and there are a lot of studies suggesting its anywhere from 30-60% hereditary. That's before we think about neurodiversity which may impact traits too with a even higher hereditary link

I'm not sure, I know some very chilled and lovely couples with children suffering from all sorts of problems from self harm to anorexia? Is that genetics?

@Momicrone there are genes associated with a predisposition to anorexia yes

I think many people just mistake ‘good luck’ for something they are owed credit for.
There are lots of (very annoying) scenarios where this happens.
For example:
Easy pregnancy and/or birth - ‘I did yoga everyday, rubbed oil on my perineum, etc’
Easy settling-in at school
Easy teenage years
Easy menopause etc etc

Yes there are obvious things which you could do that would make those scenarios lots harder or improve chances of them going well.

But the fact of the matter is that you can do everything ‘right’, avoid everything ‘wrong’ and still have a difficult pregnancy and/or birth, an unsettled baby, a horrendous menopause, etc
Not all of them hopefully

By that logic the baby will be a smug twat,
so...

Mine did sleep 7- 7 from 3 weeks. Out cold. At 14 she's still the same. Shes slept through 2 earthquakes.
We ended up at the doctors at 3 months as parents of " the underweight baby' and were pointed at and whispered about. Switched to mixed feeding, good feed before bed, still slept through. As new parents we assumed if she was hungry or wet she'd wake. Very rarely did. Always unsure whether to wake her.
She took ages to gain weight, health visitor was an absolute pain about it.
She also wasn't dry at night till 5 and a half as she just didn't wake.
It had its own problems. Sleepovers as a kid were a no no as it had to be silent and dark for her at night. Sleeping anywhere other than her own bed was a monumental change to her routine.

I do think babies pick up on tension. Your baby will be calmer if you are.

@Flippanty

I used to be chilled, before I had a very high needs baby

Second baby was much more chilled despite me now being an anxious wreck!

Yep!

Each baby has their own personality.

I've enjoyed these responses very much!

Ah yes drowsy but awake! My baby doesn't have that setting. It took me AGES to come to terms with the fact that I just don't have baby who is willing to just be put down and will pop of to sleep when all DHs family were constantly telling me I 'just need to put her down you know'. As if I never even considered that as an option 🤣

Yanbu. I had one very chilled baby and one highly strung. They all come out with their own temperament

I actually think it's true!

I'm chilled out anyway, but DH was ridiculously chilled out out when kids were babies/toddlers. Kids were chilled out too.

Now DH can't cope and constantly shouts and just spreads stress - the kids are loud, shouty and basically way more hard work than they were.

I swear they're getting it from DH. ON the odd day he is chilled, their mood is completely different.

Chilled house - chilled kids for definite.

I think it would be ok to say that by the way rather than just agree with her

I am pregnant for the first time and I keep getting these comments from other people!

They say oh it will be a chilled baby, you are going to be the chillest parents etc.

I just think what?! Like a) do you really even know us because I dont even think we are that chilled and b)what does this even mean and how do you know what the babas going to be like.

So YANBU but I dont think its just the parents who say this. It seems to be a 'thing'

@DustyMaiden

I do think babies pick up on tension. Your baby will be calmer if you are.

Oh please. Colicky babies make stressed out parents, not the other way around.

My friend used to say this to me , granted I had quite easy babies that slept through or decent amount at night in first month or two
But then they hit 2 and only slept if we were next to them
And they both had convulsions and we weren't chilled then
So yes at times they seemed easy babies and mostly were but we also Had our challenges i just didn't have high expectations from them and routines were not really our thing as we fitted the babies into our lives as such so wasn't expecting to put to bed and them sleep and eat at set times .
But when they become teenagers thats another level

I think I would have been danger of this had I had my 2nd child first. Fortunately my first came out as a little red screaming ball of fury, removing any possibility of smugness and hugely affecting my normally horizontal nature.

Yes, I absolutely relate to this. I’ve had one furious-at-the-world baby and one incredibly chilled baby. Did nothing different in terms of parenting with either of them, although the first one was quite a traumatic birth so maybe that was related. But I’m glad I had the furious baby first because if there’s one thing it taught me it’s not to be smug.

i love it when new parents are like this. I've got 3 and all very different. I've had a happy chilled one, a screamer and one that I thought was the perfect baby who now terrorises me daily at the age of 3.

I had my chilled one first but I had a colleague about 10 years before with 4 kids who said they all come out with their own temperament, so I knew it was just how she was. Glad I wasn't smug as next one was very highly strung.

It’s hilarious because I’ve been a nanny for 15 years and worked as a maternity nanny/night nanny.

I STILL have a non sleeping baby 😆

I think many people just mistake ‘good luck’ for something they are owed credit for.
There are lots of (very annoying) scenarios where this happens.
For example:
Easy pregnancy and/or birth - ‘I did yoga everyday, rubbed oil on my perineum, etc’
Easy settling-in at school
Easy teenage years
Easy menopause etc etc

I agree with this and I notice it in other areas eg threads where people have very good jobs and earn high salaries. This is all down to "sheer hard work and determination" and rarely acknowledge that often (not always) privilege, background, social contacts and a small amount of luck also play a part.

I think its because people feel that you are giving no credit to them if you mention luck or privilege.
So you can be a good parent, and meet all your babies needs, stay calm and do all the right things and be lucky enough to have a chilled baby who eats/sleeps/doesn't scream the place down if you put them down.
Similarly you can be really ambitious, hard working, driven and take all of the opportunities to get ahead in your career and be at an advantage because you had a private education or you/your parents had contacts in that field, for example.