People who say 'we are quite chilled, so the baby is too'

[JammyRedRooo]

AIBU to find this incredible smug and annoying?

I'm fairly chilled - not massively so but not highly strung at all. My DH is practically horizontal he is so chilled. And our baby DD is still bloody high maintenance

So when a relative said this to me I wanted to scream that it doesn't work like that and they are just lucky but of course I nodded politely.

Do people with chilled out babies think those of us with non chilled out babies bring it on themselves?

They always say that in the first week after the birth when all babies just sleep.

Then they wake up…

But yes I think a lot of people try to appear all sanguine and ‘what’s the fuss about, I’m so chilled and wise’

My friend was like this with her first, but claimed it was down to routine rather than being chilled: “oh, we just got him into a good routine in the first week and he’s been fine since then - that’s all they need.” I gritted my teeth and nodded because I spent so long trying to get my high needs baby into a routine and he resisted at every turn. Anyway, she swiftly had another baby because it was “so easy” and her second one was much more like mine, refused a routine entirely and didn’t sleep until he was 3. She now fully admits to what a smug twat she was the first time around.

@stuntbubbles

The same type of people who claim their baby slept well because “we kept nights dark and quiet, then in the day got them plenty of fresh air”. Meanwhile those of us with non-sleepers were regretting the 3am disco lights and karaoke

😂 Great post.

I’m as chilled as they come.

My 3rd baby … not so much.

@Fridafever

YANBU they should be executed.

This.

My babies were pretty chilled, luck of the draw. I had quite a few people say this to me and I always thought "but I'm not chilled at all, I'm a right drama queen"

I've had a number of health professionals say this to me about both my children and really insisted when I laughed it off. My husband found it hilarious as he thinks I'm the least chilled person ever. I found it strange that midwives etc genuinely seemed to believe it to be true. The only truth in it I can see if that unchilled people might be looking for problems that aren't there - I have friends who get very het up about their babies' very mild ailments or changes in sleep patterns and I can help but think they're being slightly hysterical about it all.

I hear you op! We had our dcs younger than our friends and I hear this all the time now... we have 3 dcs, all completly different and two were bad sleepers for years. My dh and I could be professional sleepers, we love/d sleeping! I have heard recently that because they are so chilled their babies sleep well etc, also side eyeing my extremely active 4 year old.. emmmm yup he was chilled when he couldnt move too...

There is some truth in it. A friend of mine is quite an anxious/frazzled person. She is convinced her child is really high maintenence when in fact he seems pretty normal but she makes such a fuss out of every little thing, that it seems worse than it is.

Some people are chilled out and just don't stress about how long the baby sleeps for or how many ml of milk they drink or tracking their temperature every day, so wouldn't even notice some of the things she worries about.

Obviously most are in between somewhere.

Yep. Shoot them.

FWIW, I have some very chilled friends and their babies (3) have all been really high maintenance.

I am well known for being, ahem, highly strung 😬 and my babies (3) were all ‘easy’ apart from one slightly tricky toddler for a while.

So it’s absolute bollocks.

I was chatting to a friend once who has one daughter.
I was telling him that I was struggling with my middle sons behaviour, how challenging it was and what he does.

He told me he doesn't have that trouble with his daughter because him and his wife are really relaxed and chilled, so she is too.

I laughed at him, then told him a few home truths. It isn't that he is chilled, it's just luck and the fact that he has one child, two parents and full attention.

Years later my lovely little crazy boy got diagnosed with ADHD.

There's a number of people who have eluded to it being BS and just a matter of parenting.
But if that was the case then why are our other two so much calmer and easier to parent?!

Just smile and nod and wait until they're running around after a toddler or having a nightmare with teenage years!

Just sit back and wait patiently for them to have their 2nd. It will be glorious to watch.

Second babies love to highlight the flaws in your parenting

Our elder DD, even as a toddler you could leave her playing in a room with an open door, open tins of paint, a few sharp implements and a box of ming vases and she would serenely play with toys and ignore all the banned stuff (please note we did not leave her with dangerous items).

Second DD... she would work out have to s ale the furniture to unlock a window, escape, break into a locked shed and find the chainsaw. (Slight exaggeration... the window thing did happen when I turned my back for 30 seconds. Thankfully ground floor.)

YANBU - they are talking twaddle.

If it's any consolation, my now 8 year old son was a total nightmare for the first 18 months. Very highly strung, bad napper/sleeper, whinged alot. Ì used to see all these calm, chilled babies and wonder what I was doing so wrong

Reality is, I was doing nothing wrong, it's just the way he was. He got to about 4 and became very chilled.

Now, he is so placid, it's untrue!

Hopefully, your daughter will be like my son and your friends baby will do the opposite

They are just lucky

Similar to a lot of self made rich people

Both groups have a habit of attributing it to other factors more within their control

I truly believe it's luck of the draw. My first was (and still is) very content and chilled (mind you, he was a velcro baby for naps and needed to co-sleep)! My second is even more chilled. This is all despite me being prone to anxiety and doing nothing whatsoever to influence their personalities, they just are who they are!

A family member recently told me that the second was easier (better sleeper) because I was more confident as a second time parent... nope, they're truly just different personalities and their sleeping abilities/needs have been evident since day one (one could never be put down, the other happily slept on their own straight away)... that's not 'nurture', it's pure 'nature'! I explained this to my family member (who doesn't have children) and I was met with scepticism... I'm going to enjoy it when they become a parent and realise that you can control much less than you think!

Slightly off topic but same theme. Mothers who talk about their quick labour as though its due to their moral/physical superiority. I had someone tell me just yesterday, smugly, that "I just really wanted baby out!"
I replied that so did I (who had an emergency section after 40 hours labour). I really, really wanted my baby out too, especially at the bit where they told me he could die, and so could I

Some get lucky with babies, some don’t. Our baby was brilliant in the newborn stage. Not much of a crier, also through from a few weeks old.. was blissful.

She two now and is a little toe rag. Won’t sit still to have her pyjamas out on, runs away when trying to get ready for bed, strops about bedtime like she has a choice of when she goes to bed (she doesn’t), and no longer sleeps through, so she comes into our bed in the middle of the night.

Anyone who says “I’m chilled so that’s why baby is chilled” is blissfully unaware that your child is ‘chilled’ right now, there’s a pretty decent chance that’s will all change at some point. Or they just got lucky.

Plus I think any parent that describes themselves as ‘chilled’ and refers to their children as ‘chilled’ just mean they have no plans to or don’t discipline them and their child is an arse, but mum and dad are too ‘chilled’ (lazy) to care or notice.

IMO.

[quote stuntbubbles]@Fridafever Did you try just watching for sleep cues then popping the baby down drowsy but awake after a consistent bedtime routine? ::ducks::[/quote]
Oh god. Drowsy but awake.

I remember trying that and wondering why mine was then hysterical and awake.

Almost every time I got this advice it was from someone who had an easy baby that slept without any help. Meanwhile mine had to be strapped to me while being walked endlessly up and down in a darkened room.

YANBU
My friend whose baby sleeps through the night (while mine mist certainly does not…) said “He loves sleep, just like me and his Dad. We love our sleep too much in our house to be getting up all night!”
As though I hate sleep and have happily chosen to wake up through the night

My DS slept for the first 6 weeks and then hasn't stopped fidgeting since. He used to have me awake for hours. Turns out he's got sensory issues and has basically lived his life overstimulated since he realised he had eyes and ears.

I went to a baby group once and he was struggling because there was too much going on. Smug mother #1 told me her DD was so easy going because she as a mother was laid back.

This is as my 16m old was rampaging round trying to escape the room full of people, noise and activities but simletaneously wanting to play with the interesting toys. He's never been naughty but he does get overwhelmed.

I'd been up all night week, was exhausted and had enough by that point, I was polite, but told her it wasn't skill, it was her daughters personality and let's hope her second was as accommodating.

She was pregnant and I've never stopped hoping that second kid was dreadful for her we moved away shortly after so Ive never seen her since to find out!

HATE IT!

Great for you if you have a chilled easy going baby, and yes if you're like that you will 100% think baby gets it from you, that's sweet. But it's the ones who are smug about it/criticising or backhanded compliment about you...

I have a friend (without kids) who said to me, ah well so and so is super chilled and goes with the flow so her girls are like that and they just slot into her life and do whatever, but that's not you (she often speaks without thinking) This is because I'd turned down a 6 hour hike with a 4 month old who was in a breastfeeding crisis 😂 we see each other less now as I cba with subconscious judgement. I am very rigid and I like my child in a good routine re naps, food etc but her advice was to just do whatever and let DD sleep wherever - including at a loud evening party. No thanks.

I know someone whose baby "was so chilled" they named the baby after the fact it was so chilled ... I secretly thought you'll regret that as soon as chilled baby has colic or turns into a toddler.

Haha, yes this is absolute rubbish. My second is the chilled one, but we didn’t do anything different. Children have personalities and the first was more highly strung.