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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who say 'we are quite chilled, so the baby is too'

179 replies

JammyRedRooo · 23/01/2022 07:13

AIBU to find this incredible smug and annoying?

I'm fairly chilled - not massively so but not highly strung at all. My DH is practically horizontal he is so chilled. And our baby DD is still bloody high maintenance Grin

So when a relative said this to me I wanted to scream that it doesn't work like that and they are just lucky but of course I nodded politely.

Do people with chilled out babies think those of us with non chilled out babies bring it on themselves?

OP posts:
Carinattheliqorstore1 · 23/01/2022 09:34

We had a very chilled baby. DH and I are not chilled at all and were both very high maintenance babies.

Baby became a very tantrummy toddler though!

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2022 09:36

@Tellthemagain, but temperament isn't genetic and personality isn't formed at birth. It doesn't matter how chilled out parents are, it's a matter of luck what baby you get.

mumofEandE · 23/01/2022 09:36

My DS and his g/f have just had the most chilled out baby but all I can think of is that his sister was the same and we are suffering as she is a teenager!
Whereas when DS was a baby he was Velcro / high maintenance etc but zen like as a teen!

BalloonSlayer · 23/01/2022 09:38

I had three relaxed, good sleeping (thanks to GF) pudding type babies.

I am the most fidgety, anxious, jumpy, catastophising bundle of nerves you ever met in your life.

WhyYesYABU · 23/01/2022 09:38

I'm not chilled at all. Have two incredibly chilled kids and one bloody dynamo. It's incredibly humbling when a "spirited" one comes along and you realise all your good fortune was just that and not a result of excellent parenting.

TheDuchessOfMN · 23/01/2022 09:40

Not quite the same thing, but I’ve often heard parents describing their tiny babies as “sleeping all night”, “sleeping 12 hours, 7-7am” and then if you press them on it, they’ll admit that that doesn’t include when they wake for feeds Confused

MazzleDazzle · 23/01/2022 09:43

YANBU

Smug bastards.

My first was super sensitive and highly strung. Needed complete darkness and silence to sleep. Screamed for hours. Had a really small appetite and was frequently sick. People loved telling me it was all my fault! Not what you need to hear when you’re sleep deprived and clinging on to your sanity.

My second was totally different. Huge appetite, never sick and slept through from 10 weeks. Rarely cried. She’d sit quite content in a bouncer or high chair and amuse herself. Never had a tantrum. If she was my first, I’d have been a smug bastard. Blush

They are still like chalk and cheese today. Nature over nurture in my experience.

Lipsandlashes · 23/01/2022 09:44

They need to get in the sea. Smug fuckers

UserBot999 · 23/01/2022 09:46

It's a dish served cold but their second baby will explain how it really works !

MazzleDazzle · 23/01/2022 09:46

pudding type babies - excellently put @BalloonSlayer! I was struggling to find the words. Describes my second perfectly. I was going to say blob, but it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. Smile

Inmypjsagain · 23/01/2022 09:55

😂 people have said this to us SO many times (as in our baby is chilled and it must be from us) and it’s something my husband and I discussed a few times because we decided it was rubbish quite early on. I can’t actually imagine saying it someone about yourself. Some babies are chilled, some are not, some start off chilled and become less so, but we were honestly told this about 8 times in one week- we figured people were making new baby small talk.

Having said that one of the NCT mums does seem quite…highly strung, not sure how to describe but her baby seems like a normal baby to me but we’ve been told that she’s a nightmare, has been to the drs loads because mum is sure something is wrong. Obviously we’re not there to see what’s happening, maybe she really is a nightmare, but what she’s describing all seems fairly normal baby stuff to me and what we’ve seen when we’re out just seems normal but the mum makes a huge fuss of it- so I feel like she would never call her baby chilled. I’m not sure I’m making sense, it’s hard to describe!

WheelieBinPrincess · 23/01/2022 09:56

@TheDuchessOfMN

Not quite the same thing, but I’ve often heard parents describing their tiny babies as “sleeping all night”, “sleeping 12 hours, 7-7am” and then if you press them on it, they’ll admit that that doesn’t include when they wake for feeds Confused
This has slowly become clear to me too!!

Nearly all my NCT group claimed their babies ‘slept all night’ and I would think WTF am I doing wrong?!

Most of them wake at least twice to feed so that’s not sleeping all night Confused

Inmypjsagain · 23/01/2022 09:57

@TheDuchessOfMN

Not quite the same thing, but I’ve often heard parents describing their tiny babies as “sleeping all night”, “sleeping 12 hours, 7-7am” and then if you press them on it, they’ll admit that that doesn’t include when they wake for feeds Confused
😂 well in that case surely every baby sleeps all night!

I think so much is competitive parenting that everyone wants to paint the picture of the perfect baby, which is a shame really

comfyslippets · 23/01/2022 09:57

I think if it's your first baby you do think that. Then you have more and realise it's bollocks 😂

Yuckypretty · 23/01/2022 10:00

I'm chilled, my first born is chilled, I'll take all credit for that because they are my genes. My second born is comparable to a wild Tazmanian devil. My chilled nature has zero effect on him.

katienana · 23/01/2022 10:00

It's dumb luck and often comes back when baby 2 is more like the tasmanian devil in personality Grin

Oldraver · 23/01/2022 10:01

@SnowyPetals

Save your silent revenge for when their next baby comes and is a total nightmare! There was a woman in my antenatal group with our first babies who happened to get a good sleeper. She continually implied that it was as a result of her superior parenting. Oh how I laughed when her second came along and kept her up for months 😂😂
Oh yes, there was a second time Mum on mine who banged on about the wonderful routine she had and that's all it takes to have a good sleeper

Try telling that to a velcro non sleeping Reflux baby

Whatinthe · 23/01/2022 10:03

YANBU I had a baby a couple of weeks apart from my friend and they had a sleeper and we didn't. They said this exact same thing Angry...nothing to do with the fact my lo had severe reflux then.

Had I wanted to be equally unreasonable I could have pulled out the thinking that "not sleeping well/much is a sign of high intelligence in babies" Grin

MananaTomorrow · 23/01/2022 10:08

Hmm… the honest from me is that I think some people bring it into themselves. I know because I did Blush

Does it mean all babies who are highly strung are like this because their parents are? Nope.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/01/2022 10:18

Maybe their 2nd will come as a bit of a shock! Anyone with an easy first baby so often thinks it’s all down to their brilliant parenting.

That happened in reverse with a friend of mine - difficult first baby, cried a lot until she was 4. Friend thought it must somehow be her own fault. Second baby was a chilled dream.

HardbackWriter · 23/01/2022 10:20

@MazzleDazzle

pudding type babies - excellently put *@BalloonSlayer*! I was struggling to find the words. Describes my second perfectly. I was going to say blob, but it doesn’t have quite the same ring to it. Smile
We call them pudding babies too. As in 'why do other people get pudding babies and ours are mental?'.

But it's all swings and roundabouts, really, I think. Having an early mover makes life harder for a bit and then much easier. Babies who nap beautifully to a routine often suddenly don't look so chill and easy-going on holiday. Some are definitely harder than others at some stage but there aren't that many who are issue-free throughout!

ButWhereDidTheWindComeFrom · 23/01/2022 10:28

people can be smug twats. Mine was non-verbal (see fore-mentioned autism being a factor) until he was 5. One of the Queen Bee mums who was really competitive once put her head on one side, clicked her tongue and said with faux sympathy 'have you tried just talking to him'.

Now of course he chatters away non bloody stop about bloody roblox.

FreedomFaith · 23/01/2022 10:33

Offer to switch babies for a night and see if their 'better' parenting helps your child. Or just give them yours for a night. See if they are still saying that shit after.

LadyCleathStuart · 23/01/2022 10:37

I'm another who had a very 'chilled' first baby and a totally high needs second baby who totally broke me and I certainly was not a highly strung person at all (am now - thanks DD!).

No one can appreciate how difficult high needs babies can be unless they have experienced it themselves and so they look for faults in the parents, thinking that if they just calmed down then the baby would too. Without realising of course that the parents are stressed out because the baby is so difficult and not the other way around.

Ghostofchristmaspasty · 23/01/2022 10:42

I think I would have been danger of this had I had my 2nd child first. Fortunately my first came out as a little red screaming ball of fury, removing any possibility of smugness and hugely affecting my normally horizontal nature.

Even now my babies are no longer babies I want to stab people who say this!