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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who say 'we are quite chilled, so the baby is too'

179 replies

JammyRedRooo · 23/01/2022 07:13

AIBU to find this incredible smug and annoying?

I'm fairly chilled - not massively so but not highly strung at all. My DH is practically horizontal he is so chilled. And our baby DD is still bloody high maintenance Grin

So when a relative said this to me I wanted to scream that it doesn't work like that and they are just lucky but of course I nodded politely.

Do people with chilled out babies think those of us with non chilled out babies bring it on themselves?

OP posts:
problembottom · 23/01/2022 08:18

I met a friend with my DD, 2, in a coffee shop soon after lockdown eased meaning DD hadn’t been in a coffee shop for god knows how long. I gave her a gingerbread man to naw on as a treat, to occupy her so my friend and I could have a proper catch up.

She commented that she didn’t understand why people had to bribe their kids with sugary treats - she knew a couple whose kids just sat there nicely and listened to the adult conversation.

She is the nicest person ever so where the eff it came from I don’t know!

Her baby is now 4 months and I’m just waiting… 🤣

VeruccaSalty · 23/01/2022 08:19

Hahaha we totally had this with our chilled SECOND baby, we were like oh I guess it's because we are just awesome parents now. Third came along, BLAM, didn't sleep longer than 45 minutes for a year. Second child now a rocket.

ohfook · 23/01/2022 08:24

I think it's the other way around. If the baby is chilled, you've got a chance that you might remain chilled out too. If the baby isn't, the lack of sleep may affect your ability to remain even tempered!

FinallySomeNormality · 23/01/2022 08:25

YANBU Those people can get in the bin as far as I'm concerned!

From experience.... pretty hard to be chilled when your baby is very high needs and 'spirited'. And FWIW I've had both a very much un-chilled baby and a relaxed, chilled one - and my personality hasn't changed drastically between the two babies so I think the whole concept is total bloody nonsense.

GrendelsGrandma · 23/01/2022 08:26

Bit of both, isn't it? It is possible to stress a baby out. But some babies are inherently fussy.

You're right about it being annoying though.

crosbystillsandmash · 23/01/2022 08:28

It's definitely true, I'm notoriously chilled (or am I just boring? Grin) Often get handed babies to 'settle' at family gatherings etc

My own 2 babies were very chilled out but because I'm not a massive nob, I never shared this pointless information with anyone else!!

WalkingOnSonshine · 23/01/2022 08:31

DS is incredibly chilled, nothing we’ve done, it’s just him.

DH is very laidback, I’m less so - but because DS is chilled out, it makes me a lot more chilled out.

I’ve had so many people say “he’s chilled because you’re chilled” & it’s actually the other way round.

My experience is that people are more likely to say it to you as an observation, than for a parent to say it themselves.

Hedonism · 23/01/2022 08:33

Haha, they are massive knobs op, don't waste any more thought on it. Just smile and nod.

Same as the sleep ones.

Wfhquery · 23/01/2022 08:33

Not read the whole thread so it might have already been mentioned but I do think they are mixing up cause and effect. It’s very easy to be chilled with a chilled baby. A high maintenance baby less so even if you are a naturally chilled person

glittereyelash · 23/01/2022 08:35

Oh wouldn't it be great if it worked like this. My little boy was an absolute screamer and just has a totally different personality to myself and my husband. It was a nightmare when he was a baby but it's made him a very independent toddler although his tantrums are absolutely epic 🙊He through an absolute wobbler when I couldn't fix a broken biscuit. He didn't want a new one just that one to be fixed 😜

MsTSwift · 23/01/2022 08:37

Also such nonsense when new parents think they can determine their child’s character from how they are as a baby. Dd1 screamed for 4 months very difficult - is now a calm intelligent thoughtful teen calmer than me actually and I was a dream baby apparently!

DarkCorner · 23/01/2022 08:40

Yep - very annoying! I am very calm and chilled and had a very high maintenance baby first time round, didn’t consistently sleep through till he was at school. Second baby (different dad) is pretty chilled and a good sleeper and DP insists it’s all because of stuff we did. Unfortunately we aren’t going to have another to prove him wrong! I just hope he isn’t going around being smug to other people.

seekinglondonlife · 23/01/2022 08:41

I remember one colleague revelling in how well behaved her newborn was, and it was all down to her being such an amazing parent. She had never shouted at the baby Hmm was very calm, was led by her lead, blah blah blah.... (the context was that my similarly aged baby was very high needs). I was so happy when she had another one a year later and told me she was so exhausted that she was screaming into her pillow. That taught her!

TopCatsTopHat · 23/01/2022 08:41

If be tempted to nod nicely, pause slightly and say 'first baby isn't it? That's nice'
😆😆😆

Moonbabysmum · 23/01/2022 08:42

I think saying it to someone that is struggling is unhelpful and smug. That said, I think there is occasionally something in it.

A lot of time (not all the time but more than 50-50) people say that their second child is much easier than their first, and maybe some are, but maybe also the parents are more relaxed, gave more realistic expectations and frankly are running round after a toddler so have less time for over analysing everything.

Anecdotally, a lot of women I know say how much they've enjoyed their second because they are more relaxed.

I know I found newborns a lot easier than some of my friends who felt very panicked over it.

Im not sure its so much the babies being chilled, and some parents being more chilled about parenting and being more likely to take a relaxed rather than anxious response to their children. Obviously not the case all the time.

Fridafever · 23/01/2022 08:43

Also such nonsense when new parents think they can determine their child’s character from how they are as a baby.

Yes and thank goodness! DS nearly killed me during his first two years. He’s an absolute angel now at 7 and was a lovely easy toddler too. Always a delight in restaurants, never ran off, he’s very good at school. The wee bugger just would not sleep!

Pregnagainagain · 23/01/2022 08:44

My sister did this to me and how her baby was this and that because of her ‘good foundations’ whilst mine had colic and health conditions… didn’t seem to work for her second Grin

Peoniesandpeaches · 23/01/2022 08:45

True it’s the worst but there is a little something to the idea that a frazzled, overtired mum/parent can inadvertently be impeding their baby settling especially if they are a first time mum. After a difficult birth my SIL struggled to settle her baby and thought he was really difficult. I ended up staying with her a few nights to help (while my brother was stuck quarantining away) and just that little bit of support and importantly sleep helped her to relax and trust herself. It’s made a massive difference to them both and he does sleep better now - though we’re not in smug territory yet because he still has his moments.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 23/01/2022 08:47

Hate to say it but it carries on.. parents of easy Oder DC and teens (more covertly admittedly but it's still quite obvious) genuinely believe it's all down to their marvellous parenting (be that chilled/ strict whatever) if their children are lovely human beings - as otters have said I guess it's a natural thing to do and nice to think, but incredibly smug and naïve.
I have one of each who have both grown up in the same house with the same parenting - one is a dream and one really struggles (anxiety, autism) . As time goes on I believe more and more in nature rather than nurture. However those parents of easy DC will always claim responsibility whereas I believe it's more down to the child.

Of course parenting plays a part as we shape them as people and have a large influence , but a high % of DC will go their own way anyway.

And yes... just smile and nod. Nothing will convince them otherwise!

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/01/2022 08:47

Our ndn thought themselves wonderful parents with a chilled eldest, the second was a banshee wrapped in Velcro. They looked less smug after a while.

I always wonder if they stuck at two after that.

WheelieBinPrincess · 23/01/2022 08:48

I’ve had to bin off a woman from my NCT that said, head titled and eyes wide in mock concern,

‘Is he not sleeping through?’

it took every ounce of my being not to yell NO YOU TWIT HE’S THREE MONTHS OLD AND I’M LUCKY IF HE ‘SLEEPS THROUGH’ PISSING COUNTDOWN!!

He’s four months now and I thought there’d be no regression as he has fuck all to regress from. Boy was I wrong!

Boy just doesn’t like to sleep. Why sleep when you can gurgle into the blackness at 3am and snake your soggy spider fingers across mummy’s weeping face.

handroid2049 · 23/01/2022 08:48

Quite new to parenting but based on my experience as a twin mum pretty sure that’s a load of rubbish. My two babies are so different - despite having the exact same parents, environment and routine. No guarantee that how they are as a baby will be any indication of how they’ll be as they grow up either surely.

Whatafustercluck · 23/01/2022 08:49

You can have a chilled baby who Is highly strung when older. Ds was chilled as a baby and is chilled now at 11. Dd was an easy and chilled baby and is anything but chilled at 5yo. I often joke that if I'd had her first, I wouldn't have had another. Obviously I love her with all my heart but she's given us many, many challenges.

Fridafever · 23/01/2022 08:50

Why sleep when you can gurgle into the blackness at 3am and snake your soggy spider fingers across mummy’s weeping face.

Omg this is like a vision directly into my past. It does pass I promise, I know it feels like it doesn’t.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 23/01/2022 08:51

My high-maintenance baby has really eroded my chill!