People who say 'we are quite chilled, so the baby is too'

[JammyRedRooo]

AIBU to find this incredible smug and annoying?

I'm fairly chilled - not massively so but not highly strung at all. My DH is practically horizontal he is so chilled. And our baby DD is still bloody high maintenance

So when a relative said this to me I wanted to scream that it doesn't work like that and they are just lucky but of course I nodded politely.

Do people with chilled out babies think those of us with non chilled out babies bring it on themselves?

Oh god, I hated this shit. I have 3DC. My first was sooooooooooo highly strung! God it was awful. I was a mess. Then I had another when he was 20 months, that baby was easier but I was still an exhausted mess.

My 3rd is a very happy baby, thank god!

My eldest is now 7 and he is honestly just a delight, I have a great relationship with him.

My elder sibling (no DC yet), who has virtually zero interaction with children, along with his wife, are always going on about travelling if they have a DC etc, and I just think, fuck me you are delusional. For everyone who can do that, there are 100 people crying their way through Mat leave.

The old nature/nurture debate rears its head, but I had twins. One was relaxed and a good sleeper, the other wasn't.

I have a family member who is quite chillled. Her baby/toddler was high maintenance, yet she gave me a book when mine were born, she'd done the quiz about your child's personality type and had ticked every answer like 'yes, my child is always happy/sleeps well' etc when he was a nightmare!
To adapt the Simon & Garfunkel song ' still a wo/man sees what s/he wants to see'.

If it helps... my parents are pretty no nonsense; not super laid back but not too highly strung either. I was a pretty happy, mostly calm baby & toddler... I'm now an incredibly highly strung adult, as much as I try & stay calm. I think your personality is yours. There might be some inheritance in there but it's mixed in with other traits to make a new, separate person. You get who you get.

Tbh the person I know with the most chilled toddler has a background in child development and tries to put this into practice on her own child. A child who in turn lived in hospital until he was about 18months old so was used to lots of people and a busy ward and seems pretty unflappable now. He's also naturally pretty easy going- which probably helped the above. Friend herself is calm & measured and thinks her influence and his hospital stay have had some bearing on how calm he can be- but admits it's just luck that her DS himself is pretty serene as a start point. He's still nearly a threenager though so it's not all plain sailing!

I also remember my ex's mum admitting that my very relaxed ex had been such an easy baby and little DS1 that her much more high needs DS2 had been a real shock & if he'd come first he'd have been an only! She & her husband seemed pretty calm and sensible. She said it's luck of the draw and described herself as "naive" and "lulled" after her first. Think that says it all.

Yanbu. I'm a massive drama queen and I have had a chilled baby, a non sleeping but happy baby and an angry drama llama baby with my 3 dc. They're talking crap.

My DD was an awful sleeper and woke every night til well into primary school. I used to want scream when people had babies who slept through at however many weeks because of their superior parenting.
One friend , who I was telling about DD waking and coming into our bed (DD was 4 or 5) said she just wouldn't stand for it and I should be more firm etc. Fast forward a few years and she got a puppy. Someone asked if it slept downstairs and she said no she couldn't bear hearing it whimpering and crying so took it to her room. I reminded her of our conversation years before

Oh and eating. The smug people who's babies eat everything. I tried all types of food with DD. She was fussy from day 1 and she's still fussy now (age 15) I am pathetically excited that she has recently tried and liked a green smoothie!

OP this a an effect commonly observed in psychology and known as the 'self serving bias'. It's the tendency people have to be more likely to attribute their successes to internal factors (I.e. something they are or have done), and attribute their failures to external factors (I.e. something some one else or society has done). This bias can be beneficial in small amounts to boost people's self esteem - studies have shown that people suffering from depression are less likely to show this bias. Though in large amounts, this bias can be destructive as it can prevent people learning from their mistakes and improving their lives.

But yes, witnessing it is bloody annoying, so YANBU

My friend had a chilled baby "because we did hypnobirthing" and told me that mine was hard work because I agreed to an induction.

Still gives me the rage every time I remember it!

@TiffanyAchingsHatFullofSky

I was chatting to a friend once who has one daughter. I was telling him that I was struggling with my middle sons behaviour, how challenging it was and what he does.

He told me he doesn't have that trouble with his daughter because him and his wife are really relaxed and chilled, so she is too.

I laughed at him, then told him a few home truths. It isn't that he is chilled, it's just luck and the fact that he has one child, two parents and full attention.

Years later my lovely little crazy boy got diagnosed with ADHD.

There's a number of people who have eluded to it being BS and just a matter of parenting.
But if that was the case then why are our other two so much calmer and easier to parent?!

Fuck yes, totally this. I got so many well intentioned comments but my little boy I now know, has ASD (Asperger's), known for sleep issues.

A lot of these comments would be people who didn't really see the sleep issues in person. When MIL came to stay, having imparted all if her wisdom by phone () , she realised. I didn't go in to him on the first murmur. He woke up and screamed the place down. It didn't ramp up. It was just BOOM.

@Fridafever

Why sleep when you can gurgle into the blackness at 3am and snake your soggy spider fingers across mummy’s weeping face.

Omg this is like a vision directly into my past. It does pass I promise, I know it feels like it doesn’t.

Thank you for saying that

I’ll keep believing 😂

Hahahahaha

Oh and eating. The smug people who's babies eat everything. I tried all types of food with DD. She was fussy from day 1 and she's still fussy now (age 15) I am pathetically excited that she has recently tried and liked a green smoothie!

Not quite a green smoothie (I wish), but my 8 year old had a friend to sleep over for the first time last night and I said they could have anything to eat. Dd let her friend choose - KFC.

My heart sank as I knew I would be chucking dds in the bin.

She ate it!! My god, who would ever have a celebration about their child eating a crappy bit of fried chicken

Oh, and I was the smug parent with her older brother who will eat anything you put in front of him and gorged on broccoli.

They are morons. It will probably come back to bite them with a future baby or in the teenage years.

YANBU, although I do think there is a small caveat for parents who drag their babies to a million activities in the hope of turning them into mini geniuses and then are surprised when they’re completely overstimulated and cranky

They are smug, and they will eat their words when their baby turns into a snarling ball of savage discontentment in a few months time (speaking from personal experience).

Dh is reasonably chilled, I'm practically horizontal. Dd was beautifully chilled, sleeping through from two weeks, in a great routine. Minor blip for the ' effing fours' not too bad as a teen now.
She's also an only child. We are very aware of how incredibly lucky we were and are and didn't want to chance another baby being the total opposite.

Fully on board with the execution.
My first was a non sleeper and could not be put down. I used to put off going to the toilet for as long as I could so as to not start them off.
I got all the advice under the sun and stupidly tried to follow it.
My second was so different, slept and was happy to be put down. It was only then I realised that it hadn't been me doing it all wrong the first time.

We're quite chilled, our children are not. 😂
Our first did sleep through the night from a few weeks old and has continued to do so (now 2). Second is still a baby but does wake now and then and is harder to settle.
I mean, ideally I'd still be in bed just now but here we are with the baby trying to eat a candle while the toddler attempts to climb the radiator. 🤷‍♀️

I don't think people really think about what they are saying, they just naturally look to see what personalities their baby might have inherited but it can be insensitive if others are struggling.

My DM used to say this about my DB and SIL first baby, then the second arrived and it was no longer said😂
It’s true that if you are highly strung the baby will pick up on it but you can’t will a high maintenance baby into being ‘chill’

My first baby was quite chilled but I'm not particularly. Number 2 was not chilled at all and still isn't at 13. Number 3 is somewhere in the middle. Sometimes he's chilled and sometimes not.
It's a stupid saying. Babies have their own personality

All babies are little personalities of their own. I always wish pregnant women to have a good sleeper. My DS was a bugger. He didnt sleep through until he was 3. He never napped.

I'm not chilled but I am lenient. I followed advice and did everything to try to get him to sleep.

It amazes me how competitive parenting is. With children you get what you are given.

Tell the dopey gits to read up on heritability.

Do these people have more than one kid? I also thought that the fact that my child was sleeping so well was down to my excellent parenting.
Then I had the next one, and either my parenting had gone seriously down hill or the child was just NOT a good sleeper. Still isn't.

Yes, this is definitely grounds for murder.

Best one was my BIL saying it to me about their 2 week old baby. Didn’t last long, obviously. I just said “how nice” while secretly chuckling into my sleeve.

I have TWO good sleepers, and I am very highly strung and not chill at all. I literally thank my lucky stars every day. No idea how it happened as my DH cannot sit still. I think we maybe just exhaust them and sleep is a break from us?